Some cautiously good news about my husband's care

[AutismPosts]

He is finally in the system!

It only took him phoning 111 to say he was suicidal and then me phoning the crisis team every couple of hours about it and being a bit of an arse.

In the last 3 days days we have had someone from the community team in every day. We have someone coming tomorrow and the next day. I'm a bit confused about their roles but they are seeing him and they are recognising the issues with his medication and dealing with them. They are chasing the mdt and Dr's. He has seen professionals more times in the last 3 days than he has since he has left hospital.

I have even been given the details of various carers groups and a fancy leaflet about services for me and my daughter and details of section 117 (I had asked before but had no real response).

Unfortunately he has got worse. He is willing to speak with them and is showing signs of engagement but is currently unable/unwilling to do their suggestions. If they'd done this even 2 weeks ago he would have been doing whatever they asked.

But I'm feeling so, so relieved. It's not just me getting nowhere now.

I know he can go backwards. I know his suicidal thoughts should not be made smaller although I dont think he has any intentions. I know he is starting to get a little bit manic but I feel like someone is listening finally. I am keeping my fingers crossed that now he is on their books we can pull him back.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. Please keep your fingers crossed this will help.

That's really good to hear @AutismPosts , although I'm sorry he's got worse. I hope they are more supportive going forward.

I hope that things will improve for you both.

Finally you are getting some support OP and can share the load somewhat. I do hope that things can settle for you all eventually.

Oh this is a positive development - I ‘lost’ you for a bit there and am obviously gutted that he’s getting worse but not surprised unfortunately.

Crisis support can in itself be very patchy and also withdrawn quite quickly in my experience but as you say at last he’s getting attention from HCPs

Normal service has resumed. 😪

A dr came out yesterday. When I was briefly out of the room, my husband convinced him to cancel the visit today.

Today I caught my husband counting what tablets we have in house because he cant face doing "it" by cutting his wrists which was his "other option". He said he wasnt planning anything but it was a "contingency plan".

I.persuaded him to call the crisis team. He told them he couldnt get the thoughts of suicide to stop although he doesnt want to. He told them about the tablets. They told him to "have a nice cup of tea and something to eat" because yeah, that'll stop it.

They've said someone will come tomorrow but otherwise call 999.

Obviously I've collected up all the tablets in the house and will supervise access. I've also gathered what sharp things I can. Luckily our kitchen knives are completely blunt! I cant collect everything. I still don't think he intends to but I cant risk it.

He cried and begged me not to take them and said that he needed them all "just in case".

I did get cross with him and pointed out how traumatising him doing anything like that would be for our daughter.

I am making him go for a short walk each day, get a shower (I cant persuade him to wash his hair) and do some basic house stuff but otherwise he just lies in bed staring at the wall.

He has post psychosis depression @AutismPosts . Remember me? Been here from your first thread. My close relative lives with me, and is about a month ahead in his recovery journey.

Post psychotic depression hits around this time for your DH. We hit it about six weeks ago, it affects around 30% of patients who have had a psychotic break.

We spent Bank Holiday Sunday night in our A&E, because relative had moved on from suicidal ideation, to the when, where and how thoughts. Crisis team didn’t pick up the phone, and after 30 minutes listening to taped music, we went to hospital, because he urgently needed help and at least there would be medics nearby. Safer than being at home.

He started on an Anti depressant the week before, and the MH team who spent two hours assessing him decided it was the AD, causing the dip, didn’t admit him, and we were told to go home and see how he goes. His AD is brutal, makes you feel worse before it makes you feel better, but when it works, after about a week or so, it works wonders.

11 days after the AD started, he’s improving. We now have more support in place, but I’m still walking on eggshells. As always I wish you well, it’s a bloody nightmare.

He is back in hospital. 😪
I dont know how long I can do this.

I'm so sorry, but also relieved for you that he is safe and you have some space to breathe. Did the crisis team get involved?

I’m so sorry @AutismPosts . We’re here if you want to talk about what happened.

Maybe time to take a bit of a break from him, you need to look after yourself (& your daughter), your oh is ill but you have been put under incredible strain from all directions and it’s no use to anyone if you break too.

He found where I hide the tablets and took some out and hid them. He kept them secret. He gave them to the nurse when she came today but purposely lied to me about them even when I asked. I only found out because I saw them as he took them out of his hiding place. He said he scared himself with them which to me suggests he was seriously thinking about taking them. He asked the nurse about going back to hospital and they found him a bed but then he was crying and saying how sorry he was and promising that he'll never do it again. He was begging me to say he could stay. It was horrible. I felt like I was sending a child away. Luckily this was during school so my daughter didnt see it. When he got to hospital he texted me that he couldn't sit still and he couldn't settle his brain so he thinks he does need to be there. He has asked me not to contact him. He is absolutely convinced it's just sleep deprivation. He has been since it all started. It isn't. I dont know what hospital will do. Monitor his sleep? He has only just changed his medication. Whether he chooses to stay in depends completely on the other patients. He got really distressed last time because there were some very, very unwell people in with him. If it's like that again he will leave. The team have been a lot more engaged with him now. There were 3 from the team in our living room with him and me today. The cat came in, immediately hacked up a big hair ball in the middle of us and walked straight back out again. I preferred it when she was shy and hid whenever we had visitors! My daughter is angry and when I told her just said "fine. I dont need to know anymore" and wouldn't talk. She was a nightmare this morning which I think escalted things today for him. I'll never tell her that because it's all messing with her anyway and no 15yr old needs to think they are responsible for this.

Are you the one who posted two threads about your husband having a mental breakdown and emailing his job about getting others in trouble, wanting to invite famous people over, etc? But had your threads deleted?

If you are, I really think it's best on your mental health and especially your daughter's mental health that you divorce. I'm sorry, but I do. Otherwise you will be forced to take him back into your home, and the impact on your daughter is really taking a huge toll. She doesn't need this upheaval. With him coming home, seeing him in this state, back to hospital, back home, back to hospital. It's not good for her. At the very least, you need to separate and have nothing to do with him and not house him for at least a year or two to see how he is.

Do you ditch everyone who has a mental health crisis? This man is ill. It's awful, it's distressing, but he isn't being an arse, or attention seeking, or unkind - or at least if he's any of those things right now it's because he is ill.

Did you stop to think before you wrote 'Are you the one who posted....'? This isn't a magazine article to while away the time with. This is a real life.

@AutismPosts it's good that he's getting more intensive support now and it's really good that he's in hospital. I bet he scared you as well as him.

Your DD will be ok. It is disruptive and it is an upheaval, but families are messy and imperfect.

What do you need? Can you take a day off work to just do nothing and be responsible for nothing for a few hours?

Wow. You realise don't you, that sometimes love is not enough? That you need to look after your own mental health and that of your child who is already vulnerable? Did you actually think before you wrote that post, shaming me for suggesting she looks after the mental health of her daughter and herself? The daughter is being tested for autism and by the OP's own words, she is really not coping well with this at all. Maybe consider that. I make absolutely no apology whatsoever for suggesting the OP put her daughter's and her own mental health and wellbeing first, and keep him away from the family home for a year or two to allow stability for that girl.

Your DD will be ok.

Or maybe she won't be. You really can't confidently say that when you don't know. Obviously she's already not coping well, and maybe her father's serious mental illness will be the thing that emotionally destabilises her enough to send her life off the rails, as it's such a pivotal age. It could cause all kinds of major issues for her that affect her for life.

I second @ThatBlackCat – it might be time to think about at least a temporary separation, as OP's first priority needs to be her daughter, and her second priority should be her own mental health, as her daughter needs one parent to be well. Her DH should come third.

Is it also possible that if OP steps back, her DH might get more community support or wider family support, and it would actually be better for him? (I genuinely don't know.) What might be best for the daughter though, if possible, is for him to reside elsewhere and for OP to visit him rather than having him in the house.

The daughter is 15 – she's old enough to understand everything that's happening, even if it's not being said in front of her, and having a psychotic, depressed father actively planning to commit suicide in the same space as her is not good.

I really feel.for you all OP. Access any support that is available for u and ur daughter too- it easy for u to be forgotten. The toll it has on you is immense.

Is it also possible that if OP steps back, her DH might get more community support or wider family support, and it would actually be better for him?
I agree with this. Support is non existent when they think family will rally round and you only have to look on the elderly boards to see how common it is.

It might be time to put space between you for a while and if not divorce then certainly separation, and focus your attention and support on DD. Leave DH to the professionals, you cannot help him any more, but you could make a world of difference to DD.

One thing that jumped out from your post, “They recently changed his meds,” @AutismPosts .

I wonder if it’s the change of meds, which need close monitoring post psychosis, coupled with post psychosis depression, that caused this? He is in the best place possible for him to be. He’s safer there than at home.

Are you getting therapy? Please try to get therapy and access as much support as possible. Are his family still keeping their distance? Could you tell them that you’re stepping back and they have to step up, Be forceful and firm with them, and the M H team. I agree that they will leave you with more responsibility than is fair or manageable if you keep going. It’s unsustainable.

He is unwell. He was out of hospital less than a month. I'm not going to divorce him after 20 years based on one month of behaviour and feelings he had no control over.

He wants to get better. If he didn't that would be another thing but he wants to. He has complied with all the medication, has tried to do everything he can. He brought up the idea of going back to hospital himself. He hates this as much as anyone else.

I have tried to put my daughter first throughout all of this. He has as much as he can as well. I know she is feeling this and we can't protect her fully but I hope we are protecting her from the worse. I really hope she can see what I'm doing. She is refusing ti engage with any help but I will keep gently encouraging her.

I dont know what the future holds. Maybe our marriage won't continiue but I'm not making that decision after a few months of illness. That isn't fair to anyone and frankly I do not have the head space to make decisions like that right now or deal with the fallout which would be huge for my daughter.

Maybe when he comes out he might need to live with his family for a little bit. I'm not sure that will help him get better but it might be necessary. I am so angry and disappointed with them and I dont even know if they would take him anyway.

The housing he would be sent to if I refused to have him home is just awful. The one building is lovely but it is located in druggy central and a lot of the patients have "chaotic lives". The other just a mess and there seems to be constant police cars outside. I'm sure there are more but I can't see them being any different and you don't get a choice where you go anyway. He wont get better in the ones I know of.

Maybe if things dont start to improve when he comes out that might be necessary.

One step at a time right now. I can't think any further than trying to keep things as steady as I can for my daughter.

Well done for all you have done to advocate for your DH and get him the care he needs. He seems to have a little more insight now which is a positive even if he is struggling right now.

Your DD clearly is reacting to the stress of everything. It is not an easy situation for any of you.

Take some time now that he is back in hospital to breathe for you and DD. Keep it simple, stick to your familiar routines and build a bubble of more 'normality' for a little while to give both of your nervous systems a rest.

One step at a time is all you can do right now. Make sure some of those steps are things for you that allow you to recharge a little, spinning the plates of making sure everyone else is okay has no doubt been burning out your reserves so remember to look after yourself too.

Nobody should be made to feel guilty because they no longer are able to look after someone who is mentally unwell. And no 15 year old should be expected to be around a parent who is threatening suicide on a regular basis - how’s that going to help HER mental well-being? Saying ‘she’s going to be fine’ is absolutely dismissing the impact someone with a mental illness has on the family. Both the OP and her DD must be living in an extremely heightened state of anxiety. They need to look after their own mental health first and foremost.

Im not sure where you got threatening suicide on a regular basis from? He started having negative thoughts a week ago and by that point was hiding away a lot and didnt really see her her than to say hi anyway. All conversations were done when she definately couldn't hear. As soon as the thoughts started becoming more real he asked for help straight away and went to hospital. He purposely arranged the appointments during school time. She has never been exposed to that part of his illness. I spent more time with him (working from home in the bedroom) than she did and I didnt know.

He had chronic fatigue before so it wasnt unusual for him to spend a lot of time in bed at times. So sadly that aspect is not unusual for her. Although now I'm wondering whether it was actually episodes of depression? I know she's not stupid. She has seen him upset at times and obviously the whole thing before he went to hospital will have been scary and awful for her but I did what I could including removing her from the situation. We've been honest with her but have also kept the worse from her. She's 15 so will have picked up more than we think but I just cant see how she would know about his thoughts and definatly not about when they became real. He never tried to do anything and I still dont know if hiding the tablets was a real intention or him saying he needed more help. I can't do anything than assume it was an intention.

Whilst I welcome feedback and suggestions I will not be made to feel guilty for trying to do what I think is best for her right now. That does not involve kicking him out at this point.

She has been the priority for both of us throughout this. Even when he was ill, he said things like "make sure she doesnt visit me here because it will upset her" and buying her random stuff he thought she would like

@AutismPosts I don't want to cause you more distress by implying that you have to do anything, and I'm sorry that it may have come across like that. I was speaking from my view as the daughter of someone who has been sectioned and the mother of someone who would ordinarily have been sectioned if it was felt that a MH hospital was safe for her, but due to LD it wasn't.

Your love and commitment to your DH and your DD shines through every post, and it's just an impossible situation for you all. I think people forget that the distress that your loved one is distressed is as distressing as being the relative of someone with severe mental ill health.

The positive, though, is that your DH recognised his own illness and sought help - that's a real step forward compared to the last time.

@AutismPosts I have been thinking about you and realising your last thread must have been gobbled up after 30 days.

You have so much on your plate - as ever, I cannot believe some of the comments from medical/support staff you've had but otoh it sounds like in other ways they are at last engaging.

I must admit I did wonder as your first thread evolved, whether the CFS might have been something else too. It didn't feel helpful to say at that point, but since you mentioned it now -

Hugs to you all.

@Lougle Also speaking as the child of a man, who was sectioned and had very similar mental health struggles, you really can't say that her daughter will be okay. I definitely wasn't and neither were my siblings.

I'm not saying it's easy. I just think that complete strangers shouldn't be advising someone to end their marriage when their spouse has been faithful but is ill. @AutismPosts won't have posted a blow by blow account of how this situation has played out, and nor should she have to, so people have filled in the gaps with a story that her DH is selfishly grabbing attention with threats to kill himself.

@AutismPosts I'm not contributing to further discussions about the future of your marriage, but very happy to hear how you're getting on as the hours and days go by.