To tell partner or keep it secret?

[Steelblue33]

I need other perspectives on a situation. My partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has a brother who has a partner and they have been together a bit longer. She’s lovely. We get on really well.

Last year my partners mum died. She had cancer and has been having treatment for a few years. She lived on her own ever since her husband (my partners dad and brother’s dad) left her in the 90s for another woman.

My partners mum never got over what her ex husband did to her. She obsessed over it 20-30 years later. She would complain about their dad to me and tell me the same stories over and over again for years. She was basically broken by it and she would talk to me and her friends about it, but not her sons.

My partner didn’t want to hear it, not because he didn’t have sympathy but because he got sick of hearing the same stories over and over again. He also kept a good relationship with his dad. His view was that she wasn’t the only person in the world to get divorced and she needed to move on and enjoy life. His mum didn’t like that because she liked to stay in her state of feeling the victim (I mean she was, but it was a real struggle to listen to the same thing for years and years).

The brother didn’t want to hear about it either but because he hates his dad. He hated what he did to his mum (my view was this was caused by his mum). His mum said she didn’t like this and said she wanted them to reconcile, but I could tell that wasn’t really true. From the outside looking in I could tell that really she loved it. It gave her some power back. Her golden son (and he was the favourite - my partner knew that but didn’t care) was on her side, loyal and really took over the role of looking after her and being the man of the house. The consequence of this was that the son (partners brother) became her hero and really, they had an odd relationship. They were close but too close.

When my partners mum had treatment for her cancer the brothers shared looking after her and they were both a credit to her. However the brother would go and stay with her every weekend without fail. My partner would pop in every other weekend and covered staying with her in the week for chemo (he can WFH so had more flexibility). It was tough at times, but he made time for her, his hobbies and me. However the brother spent no time with his partner at the weekends. There were some weekends when their mum was absolutely fine, happy to be on her own and stocked up with food and in good place between chemo cycles etc, but he would still go. Fair enough, that’s what he wanted to do, but I knew from talking to his partner that she was frustrated and resented the situation. She understood the mother needed help and was on her own, but she basically got nothing from her partner for years (he had a very busy job in the week). But he would make her feel guilty if she raised it. His mum had cancer after all.

When my partners mum died my partner dealt with it well. He was sad but his view was that she was old, had been suffering and had a good life. It was her time and he’ll see her in the next life etc. He’d processed a lot of it in the years leading up to her death (we knew the prognosis). His brother was bad. He was off work for 6 months and remains on a phased return. He seems to be doing better slowly, but slowly.

I can tell that my partner’s brother thinks my partner doesn’t care. He thinks his reaction is normal and my partners isn’t. He also sometimes says things that indirectly basically say he was the hero and my partner wasn’t. He went every weekend etc. My partner feels this judgement because of this but doesn’t let it impact him too much (but I think it does sometimes).

The issue is that I’ve recently found out from the brother’s partner that she has just found out that for the last 4 years he’s been having an affair with someone 20 years younger than him. She hasn’t old anyone because she’s embarrassed and wants to protect her partner as she loves him. She really lacks self confidence significantly, hence her reaction. I don’t know what she will do but I can tell she’s angry. She suspected something but was told nothing was going on, how dare she ask etc. He has made a complete fool of her.

She is a lovely caring person, always puts other first and he’s completely taken advantage of her good nature. She tells me he is now panicking, doing the usual (being very nice, attentive, taking her away etc, all the things she ever wanted). He is also saying he wants to be a better person as he knows his mum is watching him etc - the family are religious. Wasn’t bothered before she died and before she was ‘watching’ him though..

The brother has always come across to me as arrogant. He’s in a prestigious profession (ironically the same as his dad - I think he secretly wants his dad’s approval) and tbh I can tolerate him, but I’ve always thought he was a bit of a stuck up t**t. He thinks he’s better than everyone.

Turns out he’d been telling his partner he was at his mum’s every Friday and Saturday night, but he was only there Saturday. Friday he was with OW for years.

For years I knew the partner resented the mum for having the brother all weekend every weekend, and I knew she (the mum) was worried the partner was resentful because she (the partner) never visited. When my partner wound go, I would often go with him. We dealt with it like a team and it also meant we were spending time together. However the brothers partner never did and now I know why. The brother kept her away and it didn’t become a thing for her to come too. It she did it would disrupt his perfect routine. He would go straight from OW to his mum on Saturday morning.

It makes me sad to think that they each thought each other had a problem with the other and really it was all due to the brother’s deceit and lies. I also feel deceived. He lied to us all. I also feel a bit stupid as I know the partner used to say to me she was annoyed he was there every Friday and Saturday, but I knew he always arrived Saturday morning. It never clicked, but then he was so good at hiding it.

I need advice regarding whether to tell my partner. It feels wrong that I know something so significant about his brother and he doesn’t, like I’m hiding something from him and I don’t like that in my relationship. I also think he deserves to know that the golden brother isn’t so golden. Their mum would be horrified by this. For obvious reason she hated cheating men. And the brother is such a hypocrite for hating his dad. Like father like son.

However the partner told me in confidence and she doesn’t want anyone to know. I don’t agree with her reasons (shame and wanting to protect him) but it’s not about me and I feel I should absolutely respect her wishes and not beach her trust. She hasn’t told anyone else so it’s important that trust isn’t broken. Also if I tell my partner, he’s then the one in a difficult position. He will know, but he won’t be able to tell his brother he knows. If I don’t tell him, he’s protected from that. He gets on well with his brother and I think it’s important that that continues (I think they would be ok if he knew though still - may just help change the dynamic to be in my partner’s favour rather than being the lesser person, something which I know the brother likes to use a bit sometimes power wise). My partner is the younger sibling and big brother has always been in charge/knows best.

Equally however the information I have could help free my partner from the ‘I’m big brother, I’m the best and I know the best’ dynamic.

Im leaning towards keep this to myself for now, keep under review, support brother’s partner as best I can objectively and without judgement, help her decide what she wants without any strong opinions, be civil with brother and know that if it ever comes out that I knew, I can explain my rationale to my partner (gave her my word and wanted to protect him from a tricky situation).

Does my judgment seem right? I just don’t think it’s my place to start something in train that really isn’t my business or my life. It’s up to them. In the meantime when brother is an ass/arrogant/looks down on me a bit like usual, it’s nice to know I will never let it impact me ever again! Any thoughts appreciated…

I think be there for the brother’s partner and support her. Follow her lead.

However, I could never look at the brother in the sane way.

Personally I would speak to her and tell her that I can not keep this a secret from my husband as ultimately it would be a betrayal not to tell him. Your spouse comes first before anyone and this is his family, he deserves to not have secrets kept from him about them. Honestly she shouldn’t have told you, it puts you in an awkward position. Normal I’d say not to get involved in other people’s relationships and if it was your own family, I would
say different, but this is his family. She’s got her head in the sand and neither of them are happy. You’d probably be doing her a favour.

OP, you were told in confidence. Don’t breach her trust.

Alot of irrelevant nonsense in there. You've been told in confidence by SIL that BIL is having an affair. And you're wondering if you should share that information with other people behind her back after she's specifically asked you not to. No.

It’s all of relevance to the reasons either way. Lots to think about. No need to be passive aggressive.

Thank you, I think you’re right. It’s the crux of it

As per pp. Id say you have to tell husband. Tell you SIL first.

When it comes out (and it will) that you've know for ages and didn't say anything your husband will likely not understand why even if your rationale seems reasonable to you. If it was me I'd be wondering what the heck else you where keeping from me.

You must have very poor comprehension skills as it was all relevant.

I’d be telling sil that this is not something I can keep from my partner.

why is she trying to protect her cheating and lying partner? Why would you even stay with someone who has cheated on you?

I agree with this. You need to be led by how she wants to deal with the situation.

I think it’s a bit selfish of her to expect you to keep it secret from your partner, her decision to keep these secrets in her relationship is her choice and she shouldn’t expect you to do this in yours. Personally I’d explain that I don’t keep secrets from my own partner, but I’d explain to him that he must keep it secret. And then see how she reacts

Irrelevant nonsense?? Do you feel better after saying that?

You know the old saying... If you can't say anything nice, don't be a cunt.

I don't think the poor woman is being selfish for telling the OP something in confidence. Her world has been blown apart, and she needs all the help she can get from someone she clearly trusts implicitly.

I think you should be there for this woman.
You should be impressing on her that the shame isn't hers, it's his. That he is a liar and a cheat who used his mother's illness to enable his infidelity. You should encourage her to find her anger.
I think whether you tell your partner or not is a side issue.
But personally I would not want any thing to do with his brother now you have this knowledge about him.

Ultimately, it's your decision but I could never keep something like this from my husband. It's about his family and I think your first loyalty is to him.

Absolutely this. I was cheated on for years in my previous marriage and the worst part apart from the infidelity was finding out that he'd been lying to me for years and hiding things. Also, he'd told his parents about his first affair 6 months before I found out, but they kept it to themselves and advised him not to tell me. I was livid with them. If you've been lied to or not been working with all the relevant information, you feel like a fool. Secrets hurt marriages/partnerships. It will come out at some point. When it does, your partner will likely feel (at best) uneasy or (at worst) betrayed/lied to about the fact that you knew and didn't tell him.

Don't tell him without speaking to SIL first, but explain to her that you feel this is too serious an issue to keep from him and you don't like having secrets from him. In my opinion it's a bit like a safeguarding issue in a school or similar - there are some issues you have to tell others about if a child tells you they've been a victim of something. Families are meant to look out for each other - this would be you doing that for her, and for your partner in a way, because he deserves to know the truth about what kind of man his brother is.

It is very hard as she told you in confidence but I would think about how I’d feel if it was the other way around - if your partner knew that your sibling had been having an affair while saying he was caring for your mum, and your partner kept that from you. Would you be angry and feel like your partner has broken trust, or would you be happy they had protected you until it eventually came out? I think SIL should’ve chosen someone else to tell who doesn’t have connections to the family, but what’s done is done now

This. I would absolutely tell SIL and let her know that you are there to support her

Respect your SiL's wishes. Help her to understand that any shame belongs to her partner. Hopefully, you can persuade her that you/she should also tell your partner so that he can offer her support too and because it feels difficult for you to keep a secret from him.

Ok lots of different views. I’m so confused! And upset to keep it from him.

I think I’ll sound her out a bit about me telling my partner at some point if it feels ok to do so, but I need to be careful.

I expect she (understandably) perhaps doesn’t quite appreciate what position she has put me in, but she is not selfish, far from it. She is exactly what a poster has said, incredibly fragile, broken and upset. She did say at one point that she wished she just wasn’t here. She’s obviously depressed and isn’t using her support network due to the shame. We get on very well but I’m lot a close friend. I think that’s why she felt she could tell me. That and us talking before about her partner being away all weekend and the impact on her. It’s like a continuation of that situation as we both lived it together through their mum’s illness, just in different ways.

What an awful position to be in. I would want to keep the confidence, but I do t think I could lie to my husband about something like this. I understand why she wanted to tell you but she probably didn't realise that she's putting you in an impossible position.

I agree with PPs that your only option is to talk to her again, explain that you are conflicted and don't feel comfortable putting your own relationship in the firing line by not telling your husband.

I agree. I think layers of secrecy in families just creates larger problems down the line. I’d say to her you are there to talk as much as she wants but that you will not keep secrets from your partner.

If your partner knew similar details about your family would it be his place to unilaterally decide to filter that information from you?

The shame isn't hers though.
It's his.

And she shouldn't be protecting him when he obviously wasn't thinking of her or her feelings
Such a difficult position for you and her to be in.

Your partner sounds level headed. I would tell him because it would be awful if he found out later and it impacted your marriage.

I would also explain to him that you have been unsure about breaking her confidence but you ultimately decided that your marriage came first.

horrible situation you have my sympathies.

I would tell her that I don’t keep secrets from my husband/partner and that I will tell him. I would tell her kindly of course. Try to get her to understand why. Then I would tell my partner. If you don’t tell him and it comes out that you knew then you have absolutely wrecked our own relationship. Especially with all the background info you provided I believe you should tell him.