I need other perspectives on a situation. My partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has a brother who has a partner and they have been together a bit longer. She’s lovely. We get on really well.
Last year my partners mum died. She had cancer and has been having treatment for a few years. She lived on her own ever since her husband (my partners dad and brother’s dad) left her in the 90s for another woman.
My partners mum never got over what her ex husband did to her. She obsessed over it 20-30 years later. She would complain about their dad to me and tell me the same stories over and over again for years. She was basically broken by it and she would talk to me and her friends about it, but not her sons.
My partner didn’t want to hear it, not because he didn’t have sympathy but because he got sick of hearing the same stories over and over again. He also kept a good relationship with his dad. His view was that she wasn’t the only person in the world to get divorced and she needed to move on and enjoy life. His mum didn’t like that because she liked to stay in her state of feeling the victim (I mean she was, but it was a real struggle to listen to the same thing for years and years).
The brother didn’t want to hear about it either but because he hates his dad. He hated what he did to his mum (my view was this was caused by his mum). His mum said she didn’t like this and said she wanted them to reconcile, but I could tell that wasn’t really true. From the outside looking in I could tell that really she loved it. It gave her some power back. Her golden son (and he was the favourite - my partner knew that but didn’t care) was on her side, loyal and really took over the role of looking after her and being the man of the house. The consequence of this was that the son (partners brother) became her hero and really, they had an odd relationship. They were close but too close.
When my partners mum had treatment for her cancer the brothers shared looking after her and they were both a credit to her. However the brother would go and stay with her every weekend without fail. My partner would pop in every other weekend and covered staying with her in the week for chemo (he can WFH so had more flexibility). It was tough at times, but he made time for her, his hobbies and me. However the brother spent no time with his partner at the weekends. There were some weekends when their mum was absolutely fine, happy to be on her own and stocked up with food and in good place between chemo cycles etc, but he would still go. Fair enough, that’s what he wanted to do, but I knew from talking to his partner that she was frustrated and resented the situation. She understood the mother needed help and was on her own, but she basically got nothing from her partner for years (he had a very busy job in the week). But he would make her feel guilty if she raised it. His mum had cancer after all.
When my partners mum died my partner dealt with it well. He was sad but his view was that she was old, had been suffering and had a good life. It was her time and he’ll see her in the next life etc. He’d processed a lot of it in the years leading up to her death (we knew the prognosis). His brother was bad. He was off work for 6 months and remains on a phased return. He seems to be doing better slowly, but slowly.
I can tell that my partner’s brother thinks my partner doesn’t care. He thinks his reaction is normal and my partners isn’t. He also sometimes says things that indirectly basically say he was the hero and my partner wasn’t. He went every weekend etc. My partner feels this judgement because of this but doesn’t let it impact him too much (but I think it does sometimes).
The issue is that I’ve recently found out from the brother’s partner that she has just found out that for the last 4 years he’s been having an affair with someone 20 years younger than him. She hasn’t old anyone because she’s embarrassed and wants to protect her partner as she loves him. She really lacks self confidence significantly, hence her reaction. I don’t know what she will do but I can tell she’s angry. She suspected something but was told nothing was going on, how dare she ask etc. He has made a complete fool of her.
She is a lovely caring person, always puts other first and he’s completely taken advantage of her good nature. She tells me he is now panicking, doing the usual (being very nice, attentive, taking her away etc, all the things she ever wanted). He is also saying he wants to be a better person as he knows his mum is watching him etc - the family are religious. Wasn’t bothered before she died and before she was ‘watching’ him though..
The brother has always come across to me as arrogant. He’s in a prestigious profession (ironically the same as his dad - I think he secretly wants his dad’s approval) and tbh I can tolerate him, but I’ve always thought he was a bit of a stuck up t**t. He thinks he’s better than everyone.
Turns out he’d been telling his partner he was at his mum’s every Friday and Saturday night, but he was only there Saturday. Friday he was with OW for years.
For years I knew the partner resented the mum for having the brother all weekend every weekend, and I knew she (the mum) was worried the partner was resentful because she (the partner) never visited. When my partner wound go, I would often go with him. We dealt with it like a team and it also meant we were spending time together. However the brothers partner never did and now I know why. The brother kept her away and it didn’t become a thing for her to come too. It she did it would disrupt his perfect routine. He would go straight from OW to his mum on Saturday morning.
It makes me sad to think that they each thought each other had a problem with the other and really it was all due to the brother’s deceit and lies. I also feel deceived. He lied to us all. I also feel a bit stupid as I know the partner used to say to me she was annoyed he was there every Friday and Saturday, but I knew he always arrived Saturday morning. It never clicked, but then he was so good at hiding it.
I need advice regarding whether to tell my partner. It feels wrong that I know something so significant about his brother and he doesn’t, like I’m hiding something from him and I don’t like that in my relationship. I also think he deserves to know that the golden brother isn’t so golden. Their mum would be horrified by this. For obvious reason she hated cheating men. And the brother is such a hypocrite for hating his dad. Like father like son.
However the partner told me in confidence and she doesn’t want anyone to know. I don’t agree with her reasons (shame and wanting to protect him) but it’s not about me and I feel I should absolutely respect her wishes and not beach her trust. She hasn’t told anyone else so it’s important that trust isn’t broken. Also if I tell my partner, he’s then the one in a difficult position. He will know, but he won’t be able to tell his brother he knows. If I don’t tell him, he’s protected from that. He gets on well with his brother and I think it’s important that that continues (I think they would be ok if he knew though still - may just help change the dynamic to be in my partner’s favour rather than being the lesser person, something which I know the brother likes to use a bit sometimes power wise). My partner is the younger sibling and big brother has always been in charge/knows best.
Equally however the information I have could help free my partner from the ‘I’m big brother, I’m the best and I know the best’ dynamic.
Im leaning towards keep this to myself for now, keep under review, support brother’s partner as best I can objectively and without judgement, help her decide what she wants without any strong opinions, be civil with brother and know that if it ever comes out that I knew, I can explain my rationale to my partner (gave her my word and wanted to protect him from a tricky situation).
Does my judgment seem right? I just don’t think it’s my place to start something in train that really isn’t my business or my life. It’s up to them. In the meantime when brother is an ass/arrogant/looks down on me a bit like usual, it’s nice to know I will never let it impact me ever again! Any thoughts appreciated…