How would you handle this? Issue with school mum

[neverbeenthroughthis]

Apologies as this will be a long!

I have a child in Reception and after always feeling really quite lonely in motherhood, it has been so nice to make a little group of mum friends this year. It's the first time I've ever had that and has meant a lot to me. There is one kid in the class my child has had a (mutually) love/hate relationship with. They are the child of one of my friends. We have been to each other's houses several times too. The kids bicker as is to be expected of kids this age and I suspect it's because they are such good friends that they bicker in the first place! A few weeks ago, both the mum (my friend) and husband started pointedly ignoring/avoiding my husband and I. It was very odd but I put it down to maybe they were going through something and thought nothing of it. It completely went back to normal shortly unrelated so I suspect unrelated to our kids' relationship dynamic but who knows.

I have an incredibly stressful job that is both physically and emotionally draining. Yesterday I'd had a particularly stressful day that had started with an emergency safeguarding meeting about protecting someone vulnerable. The rest of the day wasn't much easier. When I got to pick up, I was visibly absolutely exhausted and in fact, the group of mums asked if I was ok. We took the kids for a play at the park as we often do. Literally the second we arrived, the child I mentioned earlier said mine was being unkind to her. I had been standing next to her and mine the whole time and not a word had been exchanged between them. The mum proceeded to bend down and point at my child, looking at me and making a big show of saying, "Oh no...was (my child) being unkind to you?" This made mine feel sad and tearful so I very calmly and politely said that I had been with them the whole time and no words had been exchanged. She insisted they had and that "This has been going on for a while." I was completely taken aback by this, not least because it was in front of everyone else. I just don't think that's the forum to discuss these things. If I've ever had similar concerns I've had a quiet word with the parent away from the children and others. The way my 5 year old was pointed at and accused like that has really upset me (and them). It felt quite nasty.

I am not one to dismiss the feelings of kids. I literally work with them every day. But, especially at the age of 4 and 5, I would at least take things said with a slight pinch of salt - the 'unkindness' mentioned was over absolutely nothing. Some stickers for goodness sake. The way my child and I were spoken to in front of everyone left me feeling quite shocked so I just ended up sitting on a park bench quietly processing my feelings. Literally 2 mins later, the kids were cuddling and sharing snacks, which I think solidifies the fact it was a very brief and normal tiff. In a class of 30, no one else has ever accused mine of unkindness. I really think it's just a personality clash. The mum later sent me a text, oblivious, and asking if everything was ok because I seemed "stressed." I feel like I would like to be honest but am not sure how to respond exactly. Any advice? Whether we like it or not, our kids are going to be in each other's lives almost daily for another 5 years so need to maintain some semblance of civility. FWIW, my child has said the same about hers for months and I've kept an open mind, usually suggesting she plays with other kids instead because I know these disagreements are common at this age. Nor do I think mine is some kind of cherub - it's just normal not to see eye to eye with absolutely everyone.

Thanks for reading!

Is she attention seeking and trying to oust you from the group?
people are strange and I wonder if she’s trying to set a split and by her text of “concern” she’s trying to make you look the unreasonable, difficult one?

Or maybe she’s actually being kind and I’ve been on mn too long!!

Why is her view worth more than yours? You should have made your point louder! I wouldn’t have stood by and watched that happen to my child when it wasn’t true/fair!

Could you meet her and gently articulate much of what you’ve written here?

I think you're absolutely right to be fair and am annoyed with myself for not having done so. I think I was just in such a state of shock I temporarily lost the ability to speak. But I will absolutely have this conversation with her. Just not in front of our children like she did.

Yeah I feel like that would be better than text where there is absolutely no nuance! Annoyingly we have a big outing in the friendship group to celebrate the end of half term tomorrow but will try to pull her to one side briefly.

Previously I hadn't thought that but who knows honestly. We've been such good friends so it totally threw me what happened yesterday. It felt so nasty.

It doesn't sound like a massive thing? Her child said yours was being unkind, her mum verified that she was talking about your child, you said she wasn't, mum said it had happened before, kids moved on, you didn't?

You said this happened the second you arrived at the park, yet you were stood by both children the whole time? And what exactly happened with the stickers?

I would just reply “tough day at work” and say nothing else. You said you guys will be crossing paths for years? Not worth making school runs awkward or beginning a thing between you. She probably likes drama. I’d just keep smiling at meet ups but keep a decent distance from the family.

Yes, I wouldn’t have given this a moment’s thought, just dealt with it normally at the time.

I’m assuming the OP is overreacting to an non-event because she’s stressed and exhausted.

Sounds very familiar to me. There are always these parents who are so eager to micromanage their children’s lives and friends and seem completely unaware of the up’s and downs of friendships at that age. Luckily you have more insight and your child will benefit from that, whereas hers will learn to complain about any petty thing in order to get the parents attention.
I don’t know what to do about this situation unfortunately. I’d be tempted to ask for ‘advice’ from other parents in the group in order to get my side of the story out there. I find talking to the other parent is a waste of time because they think you calling their child a liar and of course their little darling is perfect.

What are you hoping to achieve? If you want to maintain the friendship, then do what you need to in order to fix the rift (meet with the other parent, hear what they're upset about, apologise etc). But it doesn't sound like it would be a huge loss to just accept that this is a friendship that's run its course? It's pretty obvious your friend and her husband were ignoring you and your partner because they believe your child is constantly upsetting theirs. (And, no, it really isn't normal for good friends to bicker all the time. It doesn't sound like the kids are good for each other. It also sounds like you and your friend have different attitudes to addressing issues, so you'e always going to butt heads or feel aggrieved with one another to some extent.) I'd just move on. Be polite when you see her, but that's it. It's just a school mum. These friendships are situational.

Just to very gently put another perspective - it is annoying if you have a child who's upset, and you know they've come home upset before, and someone else's child is bothering them. I don't think I would deal with it like this, but at that age my DD was quite capable of carrying on playing (because she knew that's what you do) but also coming home and being upset about someone else's behaviour.

And at that age, I would and did say to her, look, so-and-so probably didn't mean to upset you, s/he just plays differently; don't worry too much. I probably wouldn't do what that mum did. And it's rotten timing that it happened on a day when you were already feeling bad.

But you do know the children 'bicker' and don't always get on. Yours is ok. Hers may not be. Could you possibly get in touch and say you had a heck of a day but you'd like to check in, and is there an issue between the children you've been unaware of? I'd stress the unaware bit, because then it allows you to explain that you think they're just doing normal, age-appropriate bickering and to shrug it off, if she says something you think is absurd. OTOH if it turns out her child has (say) been really upset by something your child has been doing, there's room to navigate it without spoiling the friendship (because chances are her child is upset by something trivial and easy to fix, which your child likely doesn't know they are doing).

I’d message her and invite her for a coffee and a chat
In my experience, these things usually blow over and hopefully it will be the case here.

Kids always make up quicker than the Mums do!

What she did was totally inappropriate. It was also very childish as she is effectively blowing hot and cold in her relationship with you based on the interactions of five-year-olds.
if I did talk to her, it would be to say to her please don’t ever admonish my child in a public form like that again. It’s highly inappropriate and it’s also fails to take into consideration the fact that the pair of them are friends one second and not the next and this is likely to continue for a very long time as they all work out their friendship dynamics and overtime learn how to socialise.

That aside, little girl friendships are an absolute nest of vipers and you don’t need any interaction with a mum who makes it even worse. Personally, she would no longer be my friend after that. I wouldn’t be hostile to her. But I would certainly not be friendly, I would be cool to her, and I would not share any of my work stresses etc. She is not to be trusted.

This is good advice. Plus if she is just looking for a bit of drama it shows you’re reasonable and trying to sort things. “The girls do seem to be falling in and out of friends a lot recently, is there anything more to it than five year olds being five bickering? Sally was a bit upset about xyz but it seemed to blow over. Happy to have a quick chat if anything worrying you.”

That aside, little girl friendships are an absolute nest of vipers and you don’t need any interaction with a mum who makes it even worse.

That's such an awful stereotype. They are in Reception!

I also have a parent in my school friendship group like this. She spent months last year accusing my DC of bullying hers. Got to the point she would blank me on the school run and started asking other parents if my DC was bullying theres too. I just ignored it and didn't interact.
Turns out after talking to school, her DC was verbally bullying mine, mine physically responded. Obviously my DC was not right in responding physically and it took months of him telling a teacher every time her DC said something to him for it to be sorted.
She eventually started talking to us again like nothing had happened.

I am just popping in to say I'm not ignoring all your replies. Just another crazy day at work. I'm really grateful for everyone's input and will reply later. Thanks so much.

I know it seems like I made a big deal over nothing but ultimately she is my child and her being admonished publicly by someone I thought was a friend has really hurt me.

But is your child being unkind?

But friendship doesn't preclude calling a friend's child out on behaviour. I wouldn't think twice about giving a minor telling off to a friend's child, and neither would they about mine.

No, your child clearly hadn't said or done anything to yours in the moments since you arrived in the park, but you've said yourself they bicker a lot and they'd been together all day at school. Presumably that's what the other child was talking about.

I get that you were tired and stressed, but I think you were being incredibly thin-skinned about this situation if it made you 'tearful' and led to you sitting alone on a bench 'processing your feelings'.

It sounds to me as if you need some support because of the emotional wear and tear of your job -- do you have EAP counselling as a possibility, for example? Otherwise I think you're going to have to toughen up about your child and minor fallouts with other children.

That text is so gaslight-y. Bitch knows exactly what upset you! Distance yourself.

You’d also had what sounded like a gruelling day at work. To be up for handling a precious and unfair mum was probably too much, quite understandably.

I take your point that you will be in her orbit for another five years and need to be diplomatic. Perhaps next time she accuses your daughter of something similar let your first response be, “what do you mean?” She will then have to be precise in describing exactly what your daughter was supposed to have done wrong. Chances are she will drop it. Then perhaps say you agree it was nothing really and know how easy it is to get invested in children’s squabbles when, actually, they forget about them within minutes.

A little patronising perhaps, but it should get the message across.

I would also say perhaps just be mindful of the other moms too….. I expect most of them want light, fun friendships at this stage and won’t be too interested in any drama or heaviness. If one of my new mum mates was often tearful or sitting on a bench processing feelings, personally I would make a note to start being a bit warier. I’ve got close friends I emotionally support, that’s not what a new class mum friend group is about IMO. Keep it light at this stage as others will start to pick up on vibes.