How would you handle this? Issue with school mum

[neverbeenthroughthis]

Apologies as this will be a long!

I have a child in Reception and after always feeling really quite lonely in motherhood, it has been so nice to make a little group of mum friends this year. It's the first time I've ever had that and has meant a lot to me. There is one kid in the class my child has had a (mutually) love/hate relationship with. They are the child of one of my friends. We have been to each other's houses several times too. The kids bicker as is to be expected of kids this age and I suspect it's because they are such good friends that they bicker in the first place! A few weeks ago, both the mum (my friend) and husband started pointedly ignoring/avoiding my husband and I. It was very odd but I put it down to maybe they were going through something and thought nothing of it. It completely went back to normal shortly unrelated so I suspect unrelated to our kids' relationship dynamic but who knows.

I have an incredibly stressful job that is both physically and emotionally draining. Yesterday I'd had a particularly stressful day that had started with an emergency safeguarding meeting about protecting someone vulnerable. The rest of the day wasn't much easier. When I got to pick up, I was visibly absolutely exhausted and in fact, the group of mums asked if I was ok. We took the kids for a play at the park as we often do. Literally the second we arrived, the child I mentioned earlier said mine was being unkind to her. I had been standing next to her and mine the whole time and not a word had been exchanged between them. The mum proceeded to bend down and point at my child, looking at me and making a big show of saying, "Oh no...was (my child) being unkind to you?" This made mine feel sad and tearful so I very calmly and politely said that I had been with them the whole time and no words had been exchanged. She insisted they had and that "This has been going on for a while." I was completely taken aback by this, not least because it was in front of everyone else. I just don't think that's the forum to discuss these things. If I've ever had similar concerns I've had a quiet word with the parent away from the children and others. The way my 5 year old was pointed at and accused like that has really upset me (and them). It felt quite nasty.

I am not one to dismiss the feelings of kids. I literally work with them every day. But, especially at the age of 4 and 5, I would at least take things said with a slight pinch of salt - the 'unkindness' mentioned was over absolutely nothing. Some stickers for goodness sake. The way my child and I were spoken to in front of everyone left me feeling quite shocked so I just ended up sitting on a park bench quietly processing my feelings. Literally 2 mins later, the kids were cuddling and sharing snacks, which I think solidifies the fact it was a very brief and normal tiff. In a class of 30, no one else has ever accused mine of unkindness. I really think it's just a personality clash. The mum later sent me a text, oblivious, and asking if everything was ok because I seemed "stressed." I feel like I would like to be honest but am not sure how to respond exactly. Any advice? Whether we like it or not, our kids are going to be in each other's lives almost daily for another 5 years so need to maintain some semblance of civility. FWIW, my child has said the same about hers for months and I've kept an open mind, usually suggesting she plays with other kids instead because I know these disagreements are common at this age. Nor do I think mine is some kind of cherub - it's just normal not to see eye to eye with absolutely everyone.

Thanks for reading!

Honestly this feels pretty unkind. I am not "often teary and sitting on benches processing feelings." It happened once! I am the only one in this friendship group who works outside of the home (I say this because I recognize that being a stay at home mum is still working). I commute from very far away and had had a one-off, particularly difficult day which made it hard to then have my 5 year old child publicly admonished as soon as we arrived. To say that others should be wary of me isn't very fair.

What was the not a big deal thing with the stickers?

Tbh when my kids have had friends that they are very on/off with, I’ve encouraged them to play with other people. No one needs the drama. If they keep coming home moaning that A has done XYZ today, I don’t know why they keep going back for more.

I’m sorry I’ve upset you, I certainly didn’t mean to sound unkind. I appreciate it was a one off and was just sounding a note of caution in case it became habitual. My experience is that we handle things how we handle things, and that probably if you’re someone who is tearful and withdrawn when upset, and this mum continues to upset you, then it may well happen again, and also in my experience, people who are not yet heavily invested in deepening friendships do withdraw when someone is a bit like this. It’s not personal as such, it just quickly assessing who is the funny one you can trade jokes with at an awful soft play party and who is the one who needs a bit more support, and whether that’s what you’re in the market for.

It may not be fair, but it is honest-school gate friends are rarely real friends.

I appreciate your apology and perspective. Respectfully, though, how can you judge my character from one thread on mumsnet and one interaction? It's funny you mentioned the idea of a fun mum at the soft play. Ironically this whole friendship group came about because the mum in question approached me one day, we got chatting, went to each other's houses a few times and one day I suggested we organise a meal out to invite some of the other mums too. It was a big success and there have been several others since. Everyone has said how nice it's been and said thank you for organizing these social events. I'm not looking for deep friendships at the school gates. I have those outside of this environment; just geographically quite scattered so I was talking about people to socialize with locally. People are multifaceted and Christ, if someone decided I wasn't the "fun" mum because I'd needed a brief moment, they can take a hike. I'll maintain civility but I still think the way the situation was handled was shitty and that no one has the right to point a finger at a 5 year old.

Turns out @CmonBobby was right. If you have taken that much offense over a complete stranger posting on SM then I hate to think what you are like in real life.

You also refuse to see that you child might be unkind, no one has the right to point a finger at a 5 year old you appear to have minimised it all- I would be telling my child to make other friends, not encouraging this relationship.

Rise above, don't get involved in children's friendships and definitely don't rely too heavily on mum groups.
Light chat at the playground and no drama!

Sounds like drama over nothing tbh and not something you should need to compose yourself alone for. Chalk it up to a bad day at work.

You appear to be quite defensive and intense , OP

Try to protect your child’s interests first and foremost but not burn bridges. 15 years on I have fantastic friends I met at the school gate I see all the time honestly over the years the kids have fallen out it’s all lost in the mists of time. The now late teens have their own lives few of them are still friends but us parents are. Partying at the weekend with DDs ex friends parents. We managed to maintain our friendships despite the girls not. It seems huge at the time but try to keep perspective- Appreciate easier said than done !

I think I'd respond with, "I was processing the way you publicly called out DS for being unkind. Clearly the 2 kids have an up and down relationship, and I've chosen to privately advise my DS when he's been upset and saying your DC has been unkind, rather than talk to you about it. Perhaps I should have spoken to you about it, but I would never have done so in front of the kids. We obviously have different ways of dealing with things like this."

I wouldn’t say anything. She’ll soon learn that when her daughter comes home saying your daughter has been mean to her, it’s just 5 year old drama. They’re just friends with that sort of relationship. Not proper enemies. If you challenge her, she’ll probably double down, and then the whole friendship group you’re in becomes affected. Just sit back, smile, and wait for her to learn.

DS2 had a friend whose Mum was like this. Every time her child said someone had done xyz, she’d speak to the parents and turn it into a huge drama. Meanwhile, her child was happily playing with all these supposed mean kids. It took her a few years, but eventually she learned just to leave them to it.

Draaaaamaaaaaa

Even the 4 year olds didn't make this much of a big deal out of it.

Aaahhh, you're with the mean girls

I know everyone is calling the other mum precious and I don’t think she handled it right but it may be more than on/off bickering to her child. My eldest had a ‘best friend’ at this age who she constantly clashed with however over a few months she was coming home increasingly upset. I tried to discourage the friendship but my daughter couldn’t see past this girl wanting to play with her and was too young to understand this wasn’t a good friendship so she kept going back to her.

I eventually spoke to the school because she started having nightmares and once the school started monitoring it, the little girl was actually being incredibly unkind to my daughter and threatening to stop being her friend if she told on her so she had kept quiet. When my daughter got upset at a party, the other mum told me kids will be kids and I needed to let them figure it out.

The mum may be a complete drama queen and precious but maybe her child is actually struggling with the dynamic? As someone said, constantly bickering isn’t normal and I’ve had to work on helping my daughter recognise when a friendship doesnt make her feel good.

hope tomorrow is a better day for you!

I dunno, somtimes our children need to hear us defend them