I absolutely hate having two children

[letshavepink]

Separately, they are great children and very enjoyable to be around and I love them. I’m a lovely mum to them individually.

Together they are fucking awful. They seem to bring out the absolute worst in one another, fizz one another up into unmanageable excitement and stupidity, have opposite tendencies and qualities (so one is charging ahead and one is lagging behind; one goes to bed later than I’d like but sleeps quite late in the morning while the other is the opposite) and generally are just thoroughly unpleasant to be around when sibling is present.

I’ve tried to address it of course but little if anything has changed.

Truthfully, I feel so unhappy and hate life as it is. I’m overwhelmed and fed up of noise, mess and shouting. My home is tumultuous and dysfunctional. I can’t give my best to either child and always end up resorting to anger because unfortunately the techniques pushed in books and websites have no impact on them whatsoever; they ignore them and me, and then I feel awful. I feel like we’re going to have a terrible relationship.

how old are they and what do you currently do to try to manage the behaviour? What are the consequences for the bad behaviour? It doesn’t have to be like this so perhaps if you can give us some more details we can suggest alternatives.

My kids are total opposites. It wasn’t mayhem though. One was (is, he’s 22 now) outgoing, easygoing, loud, attention seeking, an early riser high energy kid. My DD was quiet, well behaved, moody. Stubborn as a mule. They did not get on particularly (true even now sadly). What are their ages? That is crucial. I found making sure my son did a lot of activities helped him regulate - and he still does this by going for a run before work and plays football or goes kickboxing afterwards. So it was off to the park most days, of at least a walk. And his primary school had the kids do half an hour of exercise before classes so this is a thing.

I think I’ve tried everything but they don’t listen to me when together (but do when apart,) I think this is what I’ve tried to get across in my post. I’m a good parent to one but not two.

They are five and a half and 3 in a month.

Nothing useful to contribute just solidarity! Mine are two boys 7 and 11 and individually I love spending time with them, together it's a brawl over anything and everything

I could have written this post!! Mine are 5 and 2.5 so very similar. I'm hoping it's a phase? It's hard 😭 they're so lovely one on one and it's just awful when I have both. Let me know if you find a solution 😅

Mine just fight fight fight fight

It’s literally every 30 seconds

It’s driving me absolutely insane. I must intervene and repeat the same thing thousands of times a day

Sympathies

Mine are teens and are still like this.

I've always regretted having two kids.

Ok so they are still small and your youngest in particular will still find impulse control
almost impossible!

Some things I did that seem to have worked as mine are now 11 and 13 - boy and girl and quite different but not too bad

If they were fighting over a thing, I gave one warning then took it away. Every time. Very quickly. Sometimes it meant an innocent party was wronged and lost something the other tried to snatch but it worked out 50/50 eventually and they generally were much better at sharing if they knew it would just vanish if they argued.

When they’re a bit older I also try to leave them as much as is safe - it’s good for siblings to practice conflict resolution with each other.

I’m glad it isn’t just me. It’s horrible. I just feel like I’m this impatient, shouty, stressed mother all of the time. But they work one another up and do stupid stuff that while they might do alone wouldn’t do the same extent or would stop when told to but don’t together.

But I had the day with the younger one and I’m the nice, smiley, fun mum, joining in at toddler rhyme time and chasing round soft play. Yes, we have moments but they are moments and they are dealt with so easily.

I really don’t think I’m up to parenting two but have realised this too late.

@FusionChefGeoff it isn’t just fighting over things - although they do - but it’s also the way they change personality when they clap eyes on the other. They become silly, wound up, bordering on mania almost, the younger one copies whatever the older one does (to the point where he ran from one room to the other and knocked a chair over - an accident, annoying but OK, and dc2 then runs and follows him and pushes a chair over.)

And this is why I only had one. I just knew that I would not be able to cope with 2. And as it's looking extremely likely my little one has SEN I'm doubly grateful I didn't. Hopefully it's just the fact they're still so young and they chill out more as they get older🤞

Mine are 7 and 8 and same. I love them both SO much but my god, some days I just want to crawl into a ditch. (most days) my eldest is amazing but has severe Sen issues & my youngest... would test the patience of a saint 🤣

Do you have a partner? I only ask because I have friend whose 2 boys were like this, and they do ‘divide and conquer’ at the weekends. Each parents takes 1 lad out for an activity on a Sunday, something both the child and parent will enjoy. Each boy therefore get lots of parental attention which keeps them happy and chill, and it’s a pleasant time for the parent with them too. After a knackering day out, they feel perfectly justified letting them watch telly til tea when they get home. On Saturdays they fill the day up with (separate) sports. Obviously this means time all together as a family is limited, but it presumably won’t be forever, and previously ‘family time’ was shit anyway!

Mine are now 14 and nearly 12 (with a 2yr and 3 month age gap). They were terrors when together and younger, but lovely on their own. They now get on fine (most of the time), and it is lovely to see them chatting on the way to school (mostly about computer games). So, it does usually get better. Me and DH used to sometimes just take one each, so they both got attention and weren't winding each other up!

You have to bribe them to co-operate with each other, reward them for teamwork, and reward the oldest one for setting a good example. Also exhaust them.

Off topic. I get sad over having an only child but threads like this make me see another perspective. IRL all I hear is how much better our lives would be with a sibling. Thank you for the honesty. It sounds hard.

I do @MayasJamas but for a variety of reasons that would be difficult to do here. I also have them both for the long school holidays. I’m already dreading August, tbh.

@DelphiniumBlue it isn’t that they don’t cooperate with one another. They actually get on fairly well - of course there are arguments but no more than I’d expect.

What I am posting about is the fact that they change around one another. They aren’t nice children any more; awful I know but true. They are wired and manic, silly (bordering on dangerous on occasion) and show off. They are not like this alone, at all. Alone they are really lovely children.

Solidarity from me, too, OP. It’s tough. Mine are 6 and 3. When I have 1-1 time with them, it’s lovely. When they’re together, it’s just mayhem from morning to night. Mostly instigated by the youngest, she is awful to her brother. He has so much patience with her, and he gives in to her so much for an easy life, and I feel terribly guilty about it.

I relish the moments I get 1-1 time with them both.

Work on getting the older one to calm down - lots of praise (or bribes!) for being the sensible older brother who can show his younger sibling how to behave. He's old enough for a sticker chart and rewards. Try and make him feel like your little helper - lots of 'aren't you wonderful and grown up and such a help to mummy'. Lots of kids respond well to being given a bit of responsibility.

This really resonates with me. Mine are 2.5 and 5.5 and I hate parenting them both at the same time. Life is chaos. I try all the parenting strategies but nothing works. I always try to put them on the same team, rather than put them against each other, I try to make boring tasks (like getting dressed) fun games. I praise positive behaviour and try to instil kindness. Nothing works. They just push my buttons from morning til night and I don’t find it one bit enjoyable. The other day my husband and I took the youngest out for a walk whilst the older one was on a play date and it was just bliss. Everything felt so easy and relaxed. I hate how much I hate it as I feel like I want to enjoy life and I’m not.

Laughing, as I ended up with just the one, (after briefly trying for No 2 for about three months before my partner gave me timely reminder of the total prick he was.). The lad turned out to have SEN and needed all my attention. I wasn’t able to go back to work a full day until he was 15 (had to wait for him to learn independent travel). I never regretted it, not once. I know my limits and I certainly could not have done the job that I did with him if I’d had two. But assuming your kids are probably fairly normalish hopefully you’ll be able to escape to a nice relaxing job soon (I worked in a shop part time once the lad started school, loved it). Some good tips here.
My sister and I never really got on, but my mum said it got easier as we got older and morphed in to functioning humans who were more interested in the world than what the other sister was up to.

Same here @turquoisediamond . the only way they listen is if you get really annoyed, which is awful and I hate doing but at times I’ve no idea what else to do. Some ideas sound fine in theory but they just don’t take it in.

I really miss the freedom of two adults one child ratio as well. One of my friends is on holiday with her DH and their one child. Absolute bliss. If we attempted that it would be absolute chaos.

They are very young and I imagine it will get better.

Would you consider some kind of family therapy or a therapist who specialises in parenting? It might be useful to unpack your feelings around it as well as explore new strategies, or maybe better understand the dynamic.

It's blooming tough living with people who are consistently negging at eachother. I wasn't coping with it so turned to my favourite strategies of research and trying to influence behaviours as much as I could do get them intrinsically motivated to be less hideous to one another 😂

So firstly I'd recommend the book/audiobook Siblings Without Rivalry. Helped our house.

Also (look away if you're anti bribes) we introduced sibling points. They get points (highly subjectively handed out by parents) for working together, doing nice things for one another or saying kind words about eachother. They can then 'spend' those points on activities or treats like choosing their own dessert in the supermarket or being able to decide where we go on a day out. It's helped me notice when they're actually nice to eachother rather than focusing on the negatives (which I had a tendency to do) and helped them be more of a team.

We worked on communication as well, how to negotiate and not just argue. How to explain when someone has annoyed you. How to set a boundary calmly. It's still a work in progress (they're 7&5 now) but I'm glad I started when they were younger as we have good foundations now and they're becoming more and more capable of resolving things with minimal adult input.

Finally I got myself some loop earplugs. Sometimes they need to work it out without me intervening and the loops help take the edge off. I like crafting so I'll sit and sketch or do something which keeps my brain and my hands busy, with the loops in and honestly these days more often than not they work it out.

I think that would be very expensive and unlikely to be effective.

To be honest it can be like that even with just one. Mine was especially obnoxious from 13-15 and i often used struggle to like him if I’m honest. But at 15 he morphed in to a really sweet teenager and has been great ever since. I take my hat off to all of you dealing with arguing siblings, it is so much harder dealing with two (although my friend with 8 kids reckons they self manage once you get past three. I don’t think I’d ever want to test that theory!)