My dc’s friend has convinced him he’s invited to his party but no invitation and mum ignoring me and my dc at school run

[bermonths]

I will start by saying dc was quite nervous during his first years at primary and he only had two children he ever played with. He is now more relaxed and plays with everyone but considers two of the boys his friends and the rest just schoolmates. He has been overlooked for many parties because of not being very sociable and we have always explained it away with ‘it’s limited numbers and they are only having their best friends’ etc.

For the first time, one of the two boys he is closest to is having a party (9th birthday). The second boy in the group has talked about having received an invitation for the party. The birthday boy said they are both invited. We thought we might have been genuinely missed out (apparently it’s just in the park, not a venue) so I’ve told my ds to say we did not receive an invitation (text message) and can b-day boy make sure his mum knows. Birthday boy has reassured him my son is invited. He definitely is, apparently. This happened about a month ago. I don’t know when the party is - he’s august born- nor if we can even make it.
I’m sure the mum has my number and I do see her occasionally during the school run. We used to greet each other but I’ve noticed now she’s avoiding me/ blanking me.

Not sure if relevant, but when we invited this boy to my DC’s birthday he didn’t bring a card or anything. I didn’t make much of it at the time, but now I’m starting to think the mum just doesn’t want them to be friends. They are both lovely, quiet boys. They’ve never fallen apart. We are a nice family…

Just wondering would you just do nothing, let it play out however and hope dc doesn’t feel left out closer to time and it’s confirmed he’s not going… Or would you message the mum with something direct like ‘it’s ok if we’re not invited, but as your son has been saying we are, I wanted to double-check’..?

Tbh my dd sometimes says kids have invited her to parties but unless we receive an invite then I take it she is not invited. I wouldn’t dream of approaching the parents .

The birthday boy wants your son there, however the mother doesn't. If the mother is blanking you then you haven't been invited, otherwise she would be checking up to see if your son could make it.

Kids do this all the time, all the way up to leaving school. Wait until they have sleepovers and friends invite friends rather than your child inviting. That's fun.

I think that's a reasonable approach with large parties with younger children.

By 9, they have much closer friends, and if the friend is saying that he is invited, then I think the chance of invites not out yet/got lost gets much higher, so it is worth checking with parents. Or at least OP's son could ask his friend to ask his parents about the missing invitation.

Kids at 9, also say "I wanted you to come to my party, but my mum said you weren't allowed". If this is the case.

.....That means you are not invited.

Well, no. OP wouldn't be invited to a 9yo's party. But her son has been invited, by the party child himself. As pp have said, at that age they are old enough to know who they want at their parties.

OP needs to sort it out, for the sake of her son's friendship with this boy.

I edited my post after you quoted (although it doesn't matter in this context, just thought I would be fair).

But yes, what you typed does happen. Playground politics.

I would definitely text and ask. Your son has been told he’s invited. It’s quite possible that the other mum is being vague about it- maybe she happened to be texting mum 3 and mentioned the party. Just ask politely in a way that allows her to say no.

My child is 9 and unless we get an invite or the mum tells me then I take it with a pinch of salt. Kids invite all sorts of people to their party doesnt mean they are actually invited.

One of your 9 year old's closest friends repeatedly tells your child that they are invited to their party, and you take it with a pinch of salt? Really? Unless you know said child to have form for making things up, isn't it more likely that they are invited?

This isn't a case of random child saying to OP's DS as a throwaway remark that he's going to invite him to his party (or some such).

By aged nine if we held a party only a couple of DC would be from school. Most attend extracurricular activities by then (mine had football teams, dance, etc.) and had friend in our neighbourhood who attended different schools.
I wouldn't ask if DS hadn't received a formal invitation, especially when you know others who have.

When my DS a similar thing happened. Most of the class got an invite for a boys party but
DS didn’t. The boy kept asking his mum and telling DS he will get an invite.
I didn’t say anything to the mum as she clearly didn’t want DS and one other child who they were both friends with there. Other mums were surprised their children had been invited and ours hadn’t - she was happy to accept invitations from our children but not the other way round!

One of your 9 year old's closest friends repeatedly tells your child that they are invited to their party, and you take it with a pinch of salt?

Yes, the reason being the mother is ignoring the OP at pick up time which is a pretty big clue. The mother gets to have the final say over who is invited, not the child. Some children get over excited and invite all their friends before checking in with mum (or dad), even those who go to senior school.

If this has never ever ever happened to you even once then you either don't have old enough children or you've been very lucky. But it does happen.

Yes if the mother was ignoring me I certainly wouldn’t take it seriously!

I obviously don't live in an area with such petty parents.

I've never known a parent do other than invite the children their child wanted (with allowance for numbers) by this sort of age.

If it was just a one off excited comment I would agree with you, but sounds like there's been a whole story and continual remarks about the party.

I'm not sure the mother is ignoring OP at pickup. OP won't go and talk to her either. They just sound like two people who are not talking to each other because they are doing other things.

The mother gets to have the final say over who is invited, not the child.

At what age does a child get to decide who is invited to their own party?

According to op, these two boys are good friends and the boy has repeatedly said he r son is invited. This isn't a case of a very young child issuing invitations randomly. Why does the mother get to override her son's wishes about who he wants at his party?

Surely at 9 is it the child's choice who comes to the party, subject to numbers

Surely it’s not too much to ask the mum outright by saying something like “I know it’s a nightmare with numbers at kids parties” but you just wanted to check.

When they are funding it themself in their own house. Otherwise Mum gets a veto.

Why bother hosting a party for your child in the first place if you won’t allow them to invite their friends 😆

@bermonthscan’t you just tell your child to tell the other boy he hasn’t had an invitation ?
bit cringe asking the mum.

can’t you just tell your child to tell the other boy he hasn’t had an invitation ?

Presume the other boy thinks he has had an invitation, because he has invited him!

Op - has the Mum ever messaged you before? I mean, has she definitely got your correct number ? If she’s messaged you before and she definitely has your correct number, and you have not received a text, I would assume that the boy at school is possibly saying - through awkwardness - that your child can come …when in fact he is not actually invited. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a missed text. You would’ve had a message if he was invited. Are you sure that your child isn’t asking if he can come and The the other boy is saying yes out of awkwardness ? This has happened to my (much younger) child before when she had a very small party. Lots of children were trying to get invited (asking if they could come repeatedly) and my child actually agreed that some of them could come as she didn’t know what else to do. She was only 5. The children then came up to me in the playground and asked if they could have an invitation to the party and I had to say sorry, no, there aren’t any spaces left,

How can open, honest well intended communication ever be 'cringe'? What is cringe worthy about saying to another rational human, 'hey I might have a misunderstanding in the making so rather than let that happen can I just ask you a question'

People need to speak to one another more! And ask vague questions online less 😁

Yes. No one is suggesting the OP ask the other mother for an invitation for her child. But with a clearly worded text (or indeed a face to face conversation), this wouldn't be what was happening, and it would be possible to make it clear you're fine with your child not to be attending, you're just trying to clear up a possible misunderstanding.

@bermonths Can you tell your son that he's not attending a birthday party unless the mum contacts you/he gets a written invitation. So he'll tell his friend that and then the friend will tell his mum if he really wants your son there. They are too young to organise bday parties themselves so ofcourse invitations have to go through the parents (who will bring their child and buy the gift). For older children it's different.

My DS12 has invited kids I don't know to his bday party. It's an escape game and I need to know how many who will participate beforehand so still need parents to confirm by me because the parents have to bring tbeir dc to the location. But at 12 you're supposed to be reliable for invitations and he will give my number for the parents to confirm.