How to politely ignore a message

[seasmussealife1]

I have a mum friend who I've politely stepped back from for my own reasons, which she knows but I guess doesn't understand I don't want to engage with her.

She's how ever indirectly and now directly asked me about my son's injury, it's just a small scrape on the face he did at nursery. I just don't want to tell her. It's partly me stepping back and also because she tells a lot of things about other people to me, I don't want the same happening. And also because she may use it for wild stories she tells.

I don't want to be specific but the best part is that she exagerates.

How do I politely respond without giving her details?

You dont have to. But why have you shot every single suggestion down?

There is no single magical phrase that exists that is going to change her actual behaviour is there? this is about enforcing boundaries but you say thats "rude" so until you can do that, nothing is going to change.

I haven't

This is very weird. With the information we have been given, the suggestions from other posters are all completely fine. Ignore her or repeat the "its fine, just a scrape" message, whichever you prefer.

if those don't work because of some other reason, you need to explain that reason or you will not get useful suggestions.

But if you don't like someone and have tried to distance yourself from her, you're not doing yourself or her any favours by attempting to soften the blow of your distance. Just own it. You don't liek her, you don't want to be around her and you don't want to communicate with her so just ignore her and sit with the feeling of discomfort. it is what it is.

I’m sympathising with her tbh, you are coming across as hard work.

Just reply, “All ok, thank.”

Drama over!

So which one are you going to go for?

Just because it felt cold or stand offish it doesn’t mean to say it was done the same way this poster has said

Oh, and this is important too.

A lot o fpeople don't understand that when you have boundaries, it's NOT about everyone else HAVING to respect them. It's about you knowing and being clear on what you will do/how you will respond if they are not respected, including if that makes you appear rude or if it makes you or the other person uncomfortable. As the boundary setter, there are still consequences for YOU if you enforce them eg someone might not like you or might choose to think less of you. And that's fine.

I think if this basic fact of boundaries could be understood, everyone's lives would be better.

You are hard work. Also the term used by Mumsnet user when they don't get responded to as queen bees

Sure you did.

Someone suggested you say "he's still fine" - you said you'd done that already

Someone suggested a slow gentle fade thats non confrontational and you said someone ND wouldnt like that

Someone suggested you simply ignore her- you said that feels rude

Lots of other suggestions - you ignored them

What else is bloody left? 🤣

She’s l definitely trying to heal the rift by faking concern about your son. It may not be fake I do understand, but unfortunately she’s proved herself to be a gossip so you don’t want to give her any information.

her being Neurodiverse isn’t an excuse for being a complete idiot and a gossip.

It’s also not your job to work out how to communicate with her given the terms you were now on due to an incident.
I would archive her message. And just leave it as you have confirmed he is okay

Do you work in absolutes? You clearly do.

No, I am wondering what exactly you want because you've had lots of suggestions in this thread after requesting them and you've specifically said none of them will work.

So I am asking - if you wont fade her, you wont brush her off, you wont ignore her, you wont take on any suggestions of what to say to her in response what options are left?

I would address it head on given she is making shit up. "He hasn't got a head injury just a scratch and he's absolutely fine. ".

But he doesn't have an injury and it's nothing so just say that. Then say nothing else.

You say she's weird/nosy but you sound like you're totally overcomplicating this communication.

"He's fine thanks"
End of story.

But you don't seem to like that answer. What exactly are you hoping to get out of this thread?

If there has been an incident that has caused you to step back from the friendship, and you have told her that, and you have also told her your child is fine, then I don’t think it would be rude to just ignore the message or repeat that he’s fine and then mute her. I assume she has caused some sort of trouble so you not replying is just a consequence of that

What are you hoping to get out of this thread?

Thanks. When she messaged me about the first accident, it was 10 mins after nursery closed. So it was really soon. I just said thanks. Second time, she was clearly wanting details. There has been three full working days between. Jesus you would have thought it was a hospital visit the way she's carrying on.

You said she's autistic so I assume the autists have to get their own way every once in a while. We have to live in a neurotypical world that isn't made for us the rest of the time after all.

This is true. But it was last year and was the start of distancing and our friendship hasn’t been the same since so I guess something in it.

But was the distancing also from your side because you thought it felt cold?

yeah probably.

I think it was a realisation that she wasn’t available to me the same way I was to her when she needed me. So yes, I probably did pull back too! It was the tipping point so was intrigued that it was used as an actual fading strategy

It isn't "getting own way". One brain type might not like it, but can rationalise or and move on if that is the grown up thing to do, the other may not.

I have a lot of autistic relatives, and can easily imagine one in particular carrying on like this about a minor non event. I am now brutally direct every time, as otherwise she builds it up into something insane and then tells everybody else about her version.

In your shoes I would reply “He does not have a head injury. He had a minor scrape as small children often do. Nothing to worry about”.

And then ignore anything else. I’ve found in the case of my autistic sister if you accept her description of it as a head injury she will then spiral with that, telling everybody that he’s had a terrible head injury, and concussion, and social services are investigating etc etc.

It’s kind of a result of anxiety, and of wanting attention/drama, and causes all kinds of problems if you don’t shut it down.

I’m also brutally frank with other people talking about her - so if somebody approaches me with “omg your sister told me about your son’s head injury!” I’d reply with “I’ve already told her he didn’t have a head injury”, don’t feel the need to go along with her weird version of events.

But apparently she's autistic. Regardless of that you can't know for definite what she would deem appropriate to say, you know different people think and act differently to each other?