I Feel So Stupid!

[Wildlife225]

I feel totally cheated of things that people consider to be normal aspects of a relationship.
My partner of a decade has PIED. Always had it. Lost his first long-term relationship because of it. It means very infrequent sex aided by pornography and Viagra. It needs to be initiated by me every time. He also has delayed (read - never) ejaculation unless on his own. He has promised to solve this for years but it never happened.

I don't expect him to make me feel attractive (he does not even try) but I get male attention outside the relationship which saves my self-esteem.
Now, the persistent issue: it's not possible to get pregnant with DE. A few years ago I paid for IVF and we have a kid together. He is a decent dad. Attempts to create a second kid, also funded by me, did not work.

I don't have any money left for IVF and feel completely stupid and grieving. The only way to try again would be to take out a loan and he is not willing to do that. This is understandable because it's a serious financial commitment. But also I am not sure any more that a man so passive, so indecisive, so incapable of solving a fundamental issue actually deserves to procreate. The only reason he has a kid is because I made it happen. I paid for the process, and I made the kid with my body. He cannot do the very basic thing that leads to creating a baby!

I look at men providing for their women, loving their women, making their women feel attractive, men being able to actually MAKE a child, and feel stupid. That I could not find someone capable of doing it naturally. That I did not find someone proactive. I could have been more picky all these years ago!

I'm not really sure what your partner brings to your relationship? Does he make you happy or unhappy? If he's making you unhappy, then why are you continuing in the relationship? The PIED has been there even before your relationship started, and your partner has made zero attempts to seek help. I can't see him trying to seek help now or in the future. He couldn't even be bothered to seek help, so you could both have a child. Instead he sat back whilst you went through IVF!!!

My advice to you would be to end this relationship. You have half a relationship, with a man who doesn't love you, because if he truly did, he'd have tried every therapy under the sun to sort his condition. He doesn't want to over come his addiction, it's more important to him than you.

That's a really good question. Probably because we have a semblance of a family, at least, to those who don't know the real issue. Because I was socially conditioned to be in a couple. The kid also loves him. He has job (a pretty basic requirement). In the current financial climate, it makes sense to stay together. But I feel the resentment building, particularly when I look at guys at a park with several kids, all patient, loving, I just think I have fundamentally miscalculated something in my life.

Op not everyone has what you think they have there are so many posts on here about cheating partners. Unsupportive lying etc. op If you really want another child more than you want your dh why not leave and try elsewhere.

Erm he doesn't make you feel attractive or desirable and you effectively paid to have a child. Fuck the conditioned relationship bullshit, its normal to have a family, its not normal to have to pay for it.

Leave and find someone that will make you feel desired and give you a child out of natural circumstance. (No dig at men or women who cant procreate naturally.....this guy can, just chooses not too)

Could be too late to try. That's where the grief is coming from. At my age I may have run out of eggs! :))
True, he not lying or cheating. You are right, the grass is always greener, etc. He is completely passive, though, all decisions are on me. I have to be strong and resilient and never complain or show any weakness or he crumbles immediately, gets depressed or angry.

He Has PIED. Do you know what that is?

Yes why?

I think you are his bangmaid without the banging and he was just a dream to you. You never seemed to look at what he is.

However, now you know who and what he is. And, just so you know, blokes don’t change. He prefers porn. Ew.

The only change to be expected in your relationship has to be initiated by you and you need to plan making a life for yourself.

I read it as 'bandaid' at first which is also a fitting description!

Please forgive my ignorance. What is PIED?

OP, you sound so hurt and disappointed. I’m so sorry. Is it an option to break up from this man and set up a life for yourself and your child?

I don’t know what PIED is.

many people of both sexes are not able to have babies for various reasons. I have endo and was advised to try very early in life as it was unlikely and I’d probably need to try ivf.

there are very few if any perfect relationships out there.

so…
look at the relationship as a whole. Pros and class s. Then think about if you split. Pros and cons. Then make a decision and own your decision.

My dh has ed and we do not have sex anymore. He is still a good man and we are a family but having 2nd child was hard work for him to be able to do it. I stay as we are a family, like you say. I have accepted it and throw myself into being mum and homemaker and my own interests.

How did you end up in a committed relationship with him, I presume you knew about the PIED fairly early on? Why didn't you rethink your situation before doing IVF

im not criticising, just wondering why & what had changed

🤗

Ok... sound like my dh too. My dh is Autistic...

What is PIED?

Does PIED stand for porn induced erection dysfunction?

*erectile, apologies, just googled.

I think you may be using the baby thing as a bit of a mask. If you really delve deep, with these
men in the park, is it their ability to father several children or is it that it proves they are sustaining a ‘healthy in all aspects’ relationship?
Which it’s clear you don’t have at the moment. Yes, the finances are in place, there’s no obvious abuse, your child is loved. But for you there’s something
missing.
ive said ‘obvious abuse’ above because the absence of intimacy and the inability to communicate about it is very cruel.
Many many women come to the acceptance of the end of their childbearing years but still look forward to decades of intimacy and communication with their partners. You won’t have that.
So you really need to delve deeper as your (maybe justified) resentment will colour your life and that of your child. They will sense it however
much you think they won’t.

PIED is probably going to become more common in the future.
Online shit has a lot to answer for.

I am afraid that's going to be the case. My partner is not interested in having sex with real women because porn has always been available to him and requires zero effort on his part. In my relationship, all the effort come from me. He told me he loved me for the first time a year ago when another man started paying attention to me and attempted to lure me away. Before that he had not bothered with even the basics.
Porn taught him this one-sided attitude and it's too late to change now.
I am also to blame because I thought I could save the man-child, classic...

I am the main breadwinner but, financially, it's much easier as a couple. The kid loves him.
Yes, I am trying to work out whether I could leave at this point and start dating again.

@Wildlife225 Gawd. Just leave him.

As you are thinking “I need another man”, you need to some deep work on yourself. Learn to live on your own. YOU need to learn that you deserve a good man, not automatically thinking you need a man.

Dd was 15 and said to her boyfriend “I love you and I want to be with you. However, I don’t need to be with you. I can live without you. Your job is to make me want to be with you”. I was so proud of her. You would do well to learn from her.

Because of the usual: I was younger, thought I could be his saviour, only thought about him and how to make him happy. People-pleaser. I am only learning now how to establish boundaries with people.
Perimenopause teaches you about the importance of boundaries! :)) that's the good part of it.

Please leave. I did in my late 30s and started again. I didn't have more dcs but met an amazing man (dh2). It won't improve. You'll just become bitter and older and trapped.

Do you cook for him and do his laundry?
If so, you realise you are his substitute mum?