DH wants horses

[Dreamingohorses]

I would like some advice. For years my DH has been dreaming of owning a house where he can have horses of his own. He used to ride as a teenager and loved cross country but never had a horse of his own. Since I have known him (20 odd years) he has only however ridden on the odd occasion and tells me it is not the same riding someone else's horse. I have occasionally booked him a riding lesson as a gift but he never wanted to keep them up and said they were a waste of money as he didn't have his own horse and would rather save his money to fund this.

Anyway 5 years ago he announced that in the next 5 years we would be moving to somewhere with land so he could have his own horses. Over the 5 years he has worked hard and saved up enough money (around £400k in ISAs) to fund the extra this would cost and now the 5 years are up he wants to move.

However my concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted specticles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out. In fact when I mentioned to him what a tie they are he said not to worry as there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'. I said to him he should try helping out at a local stables or doing a horse share to see what it is like first but he would not even contemplate the idea.

I am wondering whether I should just let him go for it or not (he clearly needs to get it out of his system) but it could potentially be a very costly mistake as we would loose all the ISA tax advantages plus we are looking at over £100k in stamp duty. AIBU in putting my foot down and blocking this move?

In my marriage I'm your DH.

Had a horses growing up and it's very hard to give up and I agree riding at a riding school just isn't the same.

But buying a house to facilitate horses is extreme. Having horses at home is seriously hard work. Also juggling work and adult life with a horse is very different from being a teenager.

Why doesn't he buy a horse and put it in livery somewhere? You clearly have loads of cash so cost shouldn't be an issue.

Then you look to move in a couple of years once he remembers the work involved he might not be quite so keen!

Goodness, well he lost me at 'announcing' something as significant as spending life savings on an enormous house move without full consultation with his significant other, horses aside that is totally UR.

On the horse side, it's often said on here that horse ownership is a lifestyle not a hobby and I do admit us horsey folk can be guilty of dragging our families along for the ride (apologies for the pun) without necessarily their active and enthusiastic participation but I do think what your husband is proposing goes too far - I get what he's saying about riding lessons not being the same, he's right, riding school lessons are frequently quite rubbish once you're past the beginner stage and definitely not a patch on owning your own. Even a horse share is fraught with it's own frustrations. But I do think his plan to keep horses at home is quite mad - it's such hard work, not just the 24/7/365 care of the horses themselves (and you would definitely need at least 2, possibly 3) plus all the maintenance of the fences and land - it's also lonely riding on your own, no-one to bounce ideas off or hack out with, no easy access to lessons and clinics, plus often unless you are mega rich and can afford a multi-million pound property, the facilities you have are much worse than what you'd get at a livery yard, no arena, no jumps for instance, so your actual ability to ride and enjoy your horses particularly in winter is much reduced. It's broken more than one person I know who has given up keeping their horses at home and gone back to livery. And although having sharers is a help, (a) I wouldn't be as confident as him on how easy it will be to find experienced reliable sharers depending on how nice your property is, people don't tend to want to come and muck out throughout winter if there's nowhere for them to ride in exchange and if you have no arena they'll be limited to daytime hacking only (b) it's not always comfortable having strangers around your house and in your back garden which is how it can feel.

My proposal would be he starts the process of buying his horse (bit silly to buy one when he hasn't been riding regularly but people do do it) with the help of a good instructor, and initially has him/her on that's instructor's livery. This is to his advantage as he can make use of facilities and also doesn't have to think about purchasing a companion or syncing up availability of the house and land and so on right away. Once he has the horse and is getting used to that then you can consider a house purchase. I think once he understands how much work it really is with a horse he'll think twice about having it at home.

Why doesn't he buy a horse and put it in livery somewhere?

That is exactly what I have asked him. He seems to think that it will only fullfill his dream to have them next to the house and travelling to a livery will remove the enjoyment.

Please may I ask approximately how much time each day you need to spend as a minimum sorting out a horse. I assume you also need 2+ for company?

I agree with others. Buy a horse and pay for livery at a nearby yard. He will meet people to hack with and won’t have to deal with the 356 days a year work involved.

ands it’s not a puppy. If you aren’t the one who wants then the. 100% you can’t be the one left holding the reins

But it’s not all up to him is it. Tell him the compromise is a livery yard. You’ll reasses in a couple of years but warn him you might still not agree to moving

Horse ownership loses its shine for some people after three months of endless rain and cold in the winter. Some people love every element of horse ownership, even when they have been hailed on and are soaking wet and chilled (but the horses are all rugged, dry and hayed for the night... because priorities! 😂).

I don't know which of those groups your DH is in. How were the horses that he used to ride in his youth kept? Was he the main carer in all weathers? Did he have support?

Another option would be to put his effort into finding the right horse and to have him/her at livery for a time. Maybe start with part or full while he gets back into it (it can be good to have that support as a returning rider/owner) and then progress to DIY when he is ready. If he thrives doing all the work and exercising in all weathers himself, then moving to an equestrian property and upping the number of horses you own (you will need at least one companion for the existing horse) is more of a sensible decision.

There would also be no shame in finding out that actually having a horse on livery suits him, especially if it means that he has friends to go to shows/competitions with.

I should add that he is right, having your own horse is not the same as having riding lessons. 🐴

I can see his point on this tbh I had my pony in a livery yard around 20mins from home and found it very difficult when I had kids and the bitchy/nosiness from other liveries.

My friend had hers at home and it’s much more relaxed and can fit in much better around her day nipping out in her pjs to feed/hay water or chuck out/bring in. Horses can be in/out to suit her, mine had a shared field so I had couldn’t just bring mine in.

Id only have another if I could keep at home but I’ve had horses before and have got a good support network of friends to help. My concern would be yes he’s ridden but he’s never had the day to day care of a horse.

Yes 2 as a minimum but 2 is not always ideal as the companion is left alone when you take the riding horse out to ride.

How much time a day - bit of a how long is a piece of string but in summer probably minimum 45 mins a day (split into 2-3 20-30 min sessions) to check them, check water tanks (assuming you have automatic waterers, longer if you have to carry water to the field), and poo-pick and weed the fields. Then obviously whatever time you spend grooming and preparing to ride, then riding, then cooling off after and returning to field. If you want to ride everyday probably 1-2 hours a day, every single day. Then longer sessions at the weekend to repair and maintain fencing and water systems and thoroughly poo pick and weed fields, then occasional re-seeding of grass and rolling/harrowing your fields.

In winter much more because often horses can't live out in fields 24/7 and have to come into stables overnight plus need supplementary feeding and rugs which have to be changed and maintained. So more like 1.5 hours - 2 hours basic care, then riding again on top. And they need to eat near constantly, if they're stabled that means feeding at 5/6am and again at 9/10pm at night - good luck getting villagers to do that for free!

Bear in mind also you need a lot more acreage to keep horses (particularly large ridden horses vs tiny ponies) than many people (or estate agents!) think, rule of thumb is 1 acre per horse plus 1 spare. So for 2 horses you need 3 acres of paddocks/useable grazing - more so if it's non optimal like very hilly or boggy - I think he might be surprised how much a property set up to keep horses on is going to cost...

I agree with the others - horse at livery somewhere, see if that works out, and only then consider a house move.

I have a horse at grass livery, and honestly I'd find it much more work having one at home. You need more than one horse for company, you need to maintain the fences, you need to poo pick (no poo picking at my yard), you need to get hay delivered and muck removed, you need to remove ragwort or other noxious weeds. Plus you might not have anyone to ride with, and a yard is more social. At a yard there are also people who will give a second opinion on a lame horse, or just look in on yours if you are away for the weekend. You might also get facilities like a school for riding in bad weather, or jumps.

there 'are always local people in the village happy to help out for free riding'.

I know people with horse shares, where they have a couple of days a week with the horse, usually in exchange for money (chores are minimal at my yard). But you need someone reliable, someone who is good with horses and can look after one on their own, someone who has time off at the times you don't want to go, someone who is a good fit riding-wise with the horse...

In winter much more because often horses can't live out in fields 24/7 and have to come into stables overnight plus need supplementary feeding and rugs which have to be changed and maintained.

Many do live out 24/7 all year round! Mine does, and he does have rugs but hasn't worn one in about 5 years. He's hairy and always toasty (maybe not the sort of horse your husband wants if he wants to do cross-country).

Fair enough but depends not only on the type of horse bought but also the land - totally agree most horses (very delicate WB competition types aside) can live out year round with appropriate food and rugging, but very much not all land will stand up to horses on it 24/7. Around here in the SE it's nearly all heavy clay and small paddocks get churned up and overgrazed very quickly - to achieve year round 24/7 turnout you need so much land that not many people do, nearly everyone stables overnight for at least some months of the year. So if the DH wants to avoid mucking out over the winter they'll need even more/even better quality land which adds to the expense and of course is more fencing to maintain and so on. And of course even horses that live out still need extra checks in winter, extra hay putting out and so on...

@maxelly yes I'm lucky that my yard has plenty of land and the horses stay out all winter. Many yards don't, and you have to bring them over the winter, either doing it yourself or paying the yard to do it.

It's possible if you have the space to rotate the grazing, and you obviously have the money to supplement the feed. Just be aware that horses are social animals and you will want to have a minimum of 2 for their mental well-being.

I'd be asking him to

1. do a short term loan whilst he works out what he as an adult rider wants and needs from a horse (so he doesn't make an expensive mistake).
2. buy said horse and keep it in a livery stable
3. think about transitioning to land near a house if 1 and 2 work out.

Its like saying I only want a car if I can have a porsche in blue, but not having driven since passing your test.

Odd that your husband hasn't owned his own horse yet even though he clearly had the money to buy and keep one at a livery yard. It's quite difficult to run your own yard with zero experience. You need horsey people to help and advise you. I would hire someone experienced to help you.

Yep he needs to spend his money on a good livery yard with great facilities. Keeping them at home is really hard work. There really aren’t ’helpers a plenty’ who are willing to slog their guts out for the chance of a ride 😆

May have been true 30 yrs ago. I used to do it! But times have changed.

I bought my first horse late last year, after a lifetime of dreaming about having my own. The difference between me and your husband is that I had ridden as a child and come back to riding about 20 years ago as an adult. I have ridden pretty constantly since then, including taking on a horse share at one point.

My horse is on full livery, and the learning curve in relation to horse care and ownershiphas been incredibly steep. This has been despite having a really supportive yard owner, and good friends with horses to advise me.

Your husband seems very focused on a very specific, and perhaps quite idealised, dream of horse ownership that may not be ideal for his circumstances. This is especially true if he’s not been riding regularly. How does he even know what kind of horse will be right for him?

We're on our third horse (and put a deposit down for a fourth) and have had horses for a number of years now. I absolutely dream of owning my own land/yard, but would definitely need to hire experienced help. If your husband wants to fulfil his dream, he needs paid help - not volunteers who occasionally help out for a ride. I would hire an experienced horsey yard manager. It's very very difficult to go from never owning an own horse to running a whole yard with several horses.

Does he live on here? https://forums.horseandhound.co.uk

If not, you need to.

I keep horses at home. A friend also keeps hers in my yard so we share the work. It's pretty full on, particularly in winter and there is always something that needs fixing. We have a lovely yard that I built and a school, but it's a lifestyle choice not a hobby as you can't just put it down when you are ill, or the weather is awful. Do you have time to look after them twice a day? Can you leave your children in the house whilst you are doing the horses? Who is going to be doing all the mucking out? And they are really expensive to keep. Your DH needs to understand what he is getting your family into.

Do you have dc? If not you need to factor that its likely either the horses will take priority to and baby care for him or he will drop the horses when he finds he can't do both.

Same here! I have my horse and to be honest my DH probably takes second place. Is he bothered no, he has his hobbies so it gives us lots to talk about! I agree he should start off on livery and see if he still has the passion, I’m the wrong side of 50 but just as passionate as I was when I was 10!

I’ve had horses at home and moved them to livery because of the time needed and that in order to ride all year round I needed more facilities than I could afford and it wasn’t worth putting in a school and flood lights etc we spent most of our time doing chores rather than riding and it took up all our spare time. I’ve had horses for years and hands down livery wins! If you go away or you’re late from work the horses are done for you. Winter at home was awful with mud and dark and rain and trying to organise farrier visits vet visits etc

If he has horses at home or on DIY at a livery you’ll loose him for a good part of the day! If he opts for full livery it will be as long as it takes him to bring in, tack up ride and turn out again. At home you’ll probably barely see him as it will be mucking out, paddock maintenance ordering feed, bedding, muck heap removal! He’s very nieve if he thinks he’ll find help at the drop of a hat for free riding. People are leaving the equestrian industry in droves due to poor pay and conditions!

A good compromise is being in a yard close to your house. I used to travel 20 minutes to the yard and it was a pain and made it very difficult when I had my daughter.

We now have our pony on a lovely yard 3 minutes from our house so we can go in our PJs and bring in or whatever. It’s a nice compromise!