To wonder how to afford horse and children? Feeling trapped...

[HazelShark]

I am late 20s and starting to think about children. DH is happy with whatever i want to do.

I have one horse on part livery in the South East. All in costs ~800/month. She is intermittenly lame and very sensitive so i cant get a sharer to help with costs.

I am really starting to worry about our future finances and how we will afford a child/children + a horse + life, particularly with my loss of income (or alternatively massive childcare fees) once we are parents.

I could never sell my horse but shes only 14 so has another 10 years left in her (hopefully)

I feel so trapped and quite panicky about the whole thing. I am starting to feel so guilty by saddling our family (no pun intended) with such a financial burden.

How do you make it work?

You're late 20's so still plenty of time for children.
Your horse, now I say this very gently, do you really want a horse to dictate your life? Would you put absolutely everything on hold for this horse? A horse that isn't going to get better.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love animals. I've had to put a fair few down, out of love.
I guarantee you that when kids come along, the decisions will be easier.

I'm afraid I agree with the previous poster, a horse with long term lameness issues is not really viable as a long term commitment. Harsh as this may sound, if they are not fit for the job the kindest thing is to put them down.

Shes otherwise healthy and happy and i dont think id ever forgive myself for putting her down. Took years to get over the guilt of putting one down who was actively suffering!

I know some people do, but I honestly don’t understand how those with young kids can have the time, either. I have a 4 yo and 2 yo and I can’t see how I could have a horse again until the youngest is in school (another 3 years)

I have posted here about it before but unless you have family to help out, or pay for assisted livery (££) then I can’t get my head around it.

It’s a difficult one - I had horses all my life until 2 years ago - had both pts and there was an option to take on another, but I realised that I couldn’t really handle the anxiety and stress of looking after an animal where you never really know if they are sound or when the next massive vets bill is going to be, and start for a family at the same time. It’s just too much.

if you’ve got the networks and can jump back into it, and you’re wanting to start a family soon, unless you have very deep pockets I would sadly probably choose the selling option :( sorry that’s such a horrible thing to have to say, but at 14 she can still have a nice gentle life if not reliably sound? But I think unless you know the home she is going to, it’s not ethical to sell her on. As terrible as it sounds, once they’re pts, they’re pts so can’t hold you to anything! It’s much less kind to send a horse off to someone being uncertain about level of soundness and what they’ll be asked to do.

other options are to put out to pasture for 2 years on a low rent (rather than more expensive livery) or put her on loan locally once she’s sound again for a couple of years so you can pick back up with her once you’ve had baby(s), but also keep an eye on her condition and intervene if necessary.

horrible decision and also quite heart wrenching when so much of our lives are bound up with horses. It feels like giving up a lot. Big hugs!

edited to add the bits about pts. Agree with other posters.

Hard one. In another 10 years you'll be 39 and conception may not be as simple. She doesn't sound easily rehomable. It's not urgent but you may need to prepare yourself to put her to sleep in the future - if you can't afford her, you can't, and it's kinder than passing her on to an uncertain future. Alternatively - work on your career and progression now so that you can afford both?

That is seriously expensive! My horse is at grass livery, about £130pm. Then front shoes every 6 weeks, insurance, vet etc., small amounts on feed, replacement kit etc. Currently no lessons or competing. I reckon I pay about £300-£350 per month. I'm not in the SE, but surely there is somewhere you can cut the bills?

That said, I didn't have a horse till my kids were about 10, and I can't imagine how I'd have found the time for a horse when I had small children. They take up every minute of the day and night, and even when you're not dealing with them you're exhausted from having dealt with them. Plus if you have to take them to the yard there are potential safety issues. I do know some people who manage it, but honestly, I struggled to get a shower or make a sandwich when I had small babies, never mind look after a horse.

I am a lot older than you, but kept my horse over having kids as couldn't make it work and wouldn't give up my horse who I had bred from my first pony.

I wanted to have kids, but it was an easier decision for me as I was nearly 34 when I got married, was getting warnings about whether I really wanted teens in my 50s and my husband wasn't keen to have kids, but could have been persuaded.

The only way would have been to have free help and more money! Neither were available.

I wouldn't have given up my then horse. I was 19 when she was born and 48 when she died and I got to spend her whole lifetime with my life revolving around her and don't regret that.

I would still have liked to have children, but life didn't work out like that. I am now in my 50s and still have horses.

have you looked at retirement livery if you dont want to pts? She might be further away from you but she will be looked after and you could visit

I am in the exact same position, except mine is 19. Is currently on full livery at circa £500/month and I am on maternity leave. He has arthritis so is pretty stiff but is currently ridden 2-3 times a week which helps him stay mobile. He’s too old/stiff to loan out or sell and I made the call when he was about 15 that he would be with me for life as he has had so many veterinary issues over the years.

i am going back to work part time and we have factored him into our finances and can make it work short term, just. I am planning on enjoying him for one last summer, then letting him winter on the livery yard before moving him to retirement livery next spring. Will still be a cost but will reduce massively. Maybe think about putting her on grass/retirement livery?

This sounds like a great option, although she has skin issues and needs daily cream and regular clipping.

I dont know if this is something retirement livery could do?

Childcare costs are short term pain, go down when they go to school, if you can work hours around. Will you get any help from family. In your shoes I'd get saving now for a couple of years and have a view to changing your horse to a cheaper livery set up in a couple of years time while you are heavily pregnant/ have a newborn. Maybe go shoe free to save costs.

I think it depends on services offered so I would check but I’m sure there will be places that will do this. Many specialist places are literally like full livery but they are often out 24/7 or maybe in barns for the winter. They do rug changes, any hard feed they might need, give meds etc

I think you should prioritise the horse for now and see how things are in 5 years. You have plenty of time to try to conceive.

In another 10 years (they do live longer right...into their 30s sometimes), you may not be able to have children as easily as you can now

Horses can be picked up again longer term (been there done that). Blunt but a lame horse costs a fortune. Grass livery to retire or PTS?

Horses are a lifestyle rather than a hobby, most people pay the equivalent of a small mortgage each month to have them.

in your situation I’d try not to worry or think too far ahead, if you do end up having dc I’d think about putting your horse into a retirement livery. That way you can still see him but the costs would be greatly reduced plus you’d not be responsible for the day to day costs. Another alternative is to put him up as a companion horse. You still own and can visit but you’re not financially responsible for him.

Can you change the type of livery? i dont pay £800 for 3 horses on DIY even with all the feed, hay and bedding, so moving to DIY would save you so much money.

Or a retirement grass livery?

I had the same dilemma a few years ago but had the option of sending my pony back to live with my mum's pony. So I did that. I couldn't justify the costs to our household, which was just me and my fiancé at the time, but we wanted children and it would have been unaffordable. I also found the financial unpredictability of horses to be really stressful. 😭

Put her out to grass on retirement livery

I just dont have the time for DIY. 800 is absolutely everything - i could probably cut down to 650 if barefoot, no on supplements and scrapped insurance

I’d see how things are in 2/3 yrs and in the meantime cut the horse bills as much as possible and save like mad . Sadly this does not sound like a horse that will make old age as she obviously has multiple problems . I think you need to give yourself a bit of a break really as it sounds like you put in loads of time and money and there are worse things for an ailing animal than having a peaceful death . ( we have lost 3 horses and a pony over the years ) .

I'm in a similar position in the sense that I'll be looking to have children in the next few years. My mare is 8yo but very very sharp - I wouldn't want to sell her and her end up in the wrong hands. I pay £200 p/m DIY inc hay and bedding plus about £100 for other things (barefoot, low maintenance horse).

My very rough ideas for the future are:

• Grass livery - would still need to go and see to her but less time mucking out etc.
• Loan as a broodmare - mine is a well bred connemara with no soundness issues so unsure if this would work for yours. Could potentially look at sending her to be a carrier for embryo transfer?
• Full livery - last resort really as costs are much higher.
• Continue DIY and just hope I can juggle it all

I personally wouldn't prioritise a horse over having children but you've got a few years to decide. As others have said there is worse that you can do for a horse than having them PTS but completely understand why you can't comprehend that!

I don't think it's much of a life for her if you don't even have time to go and see her. I'd be looking for a loan place perhaps as a companion or similar. If she needs cream etc I think you need to make the time to pop in to do that and to give her some company. You could do a much lower cost livery if you put her in retirement/grass livery and did the little daily bits yourself.

I kept my horse and had a child, it was just about managable DIY, no way I would have been able to afford livery. Had a long commute and professional full time job before becoming a mum so wasn't easy. When moving house moved closer to a place where could keep horses. Having a young child and a DIY horse is very hard. At 30 it took me 5 years to conceive so can't agree with people who say there is ages although that is possibly true for most. Now we have a pony club pony, DD is a cracking little rider and have managed to get a part time role and set up where is it possible to fit horses in still. Did find it extremely hard to get a child friendly/ safe yard for DIY. Look for somewhere already with children at the yard, ideally belonging to the yard owner. Then DD started singing to the horses and stopping crying when she saw them, before she could speak. Is still nuts trying to fit it in, I regularly almost crack but not as much as in the early days when came really close to not being able to manage it. Horse in question is a superstar saint, safe as possible around children and all schooled up, he is still quite young as having virtually given up on getting pregnant naturally I fell pregnant the month I set up for a trailer test and got a dressage saddle. Can't tell you what will work for you but that is my experience of family planning and horses.

I think if you’re starting to worry now, it might be worth researching some retirement places that would meet her needs. I got back into horses when my DC was barely two but only because I was part time and just took her with me or DM looked after her.

It’s a lifestyle and a very expensive one at that. It isn’t for everyone looking to balance their life with a family. Having said that I will never be able to understand this:

“…if they are not fit for the job the kindest thing is to put them down.”

My 22yo is the happiest he’s ever been just loafing about being a companion. I barely got 4 years of riding out of him with all his soundness issues but I would do it all again just to see him so content without the pressure of being ridden.

But I realise not everyone wants to pay the equivalent of a mortgage without riding.