Buying the next horse up... who is right?

[Ponymom]

Petite 12 yo daughter is ready to move on from her somewhat ploddy,
somewhat naughty pony cob. We are both short. I however am 11st, I'd love to be 10st but that ship has sailed I suspect, despite my best of efforts. Therefore I am not a lightweight rider and my riding is best described as "confident novice" perhaps. All of my time and money goes into dd. She has been riding 3 years.
She is doing well.

I cannot afford two horses, neither do I have the time to do so. Sadly we are not fortunate enough to be keeping them "at home " as so many seem to, just very very normal people, sadly not a endless amount of money.

It's time to buy the next size along and I feel it makes sense to buy something I can also ride.

Dd is up in arms. Not because she doesn't want to share - and to be clear, it would be her horse, but I'd like to hack/school on occasion and be able to exercise it if she were to fall ill, be away with school or whatever else.

It's because she doesn't want to go any bigger than what she has. She has convinced herself that anything above a 14hh will be too big - this makes no sense, she's ridden up to 15hh and doesn't look too small, despite being short. So it's a confidence thing. Current pony is 13hh.

I've said fine. If you feel that strongly, we'll find you a share and i will purchase myself something and you can grow into it when ready.

Frankly I'm sick of working my ass off to pay for and spending what feels like all day every day* at the yard and I get no riding out of it. I've accepted it thus far and enjoyed watching them bloom together but I want in now.

She says she doesn't want to go back to sharing, set days etc as we did prior to owning and wants me to buy her something she feels suits her even if I can't ride.

For reference I'm thinking 14.3 Connie cross with some good bone that will be a good all rounder. Certainly no bigger than 15h so that daughter can keep balance and but realistically with my weight it can't be smaller than 14.2 and whilst I wouldn't put her on a super weight carrier for sake of jumping and wanting something nimble, there must be something for both of us?

Or am I being selfish. Do I put myself aside another few years? No shares at our yard for me sadly.

Be kind, I'm aware this could read as spoilt child/selfish mom, which isn't the case at all... but I'm unsure what to do.

Thanks.

*mild exaggeration perhaps 😉

15k? Are you mad? Or an eventer, lol.

Probably because they would have to sell it on again when her daughter is bigger.

It makes total sense to buy one for mum now that the daughter can ride if she's confident enough or grow into in a couple of years!

The way to look at it @Ponymom , is that in a few short years your daughter will be at uni or working and then you’ve got many years to have exactly the horse you want all to yourself .

Trying to make up for what I lack in experience to be brutally honest.

Yes possible I'm too fixated on height. I'm 5'3. Unsure of daughters actual height but she's slightly smaller than her peers generally.

I'm going to proceed with the showjumper. Keep one eye open for myself and see what comes up. I think the truth is what I need at this stage of my life is not what dd needs and I need to get a grip.

You're paying for the horse so I feel you should have one that you can ride too!

I don't think you need to be so harsh on yourself, it's perfectly natural to yearn for something to ride for yourself even if you can't quite make it work for DD too. I wouldn't say you need to get a grip! If you buy the showjumper does that mean you are moving away from your dressage focussed yard also? And if so perhaps the compromise can be to look for a yard where there's at least a possibility of a share for you even if that's not the absolute ideal yard for DD - at my yard there's always people on the look out for reliable adult sharers, not all horses suitable for a novice-ish person of course but at least some are? It would be lovely if you and DD could hack out together for instance and plenty of people would be happy for you to hack out their horse to keep them fit even if they don't want a sharer schooling or jumping. Or how about livery at a riding school for the pony (nb full/part not working livery!), ideally one which offers loans of the school horses/ponies, that way when you are up at yard anyway at least you can get a ride or lesson in too - expensive obviously but better than DD getting everything and you getting nothing?

For instance, I know it's still an awful lot of money relatively speaking, but £15k is a really healthy budget, if you could spend more like £10k on DD's pony, with the remaining £5k that's a lesson a week @£50 for over 2 years for you (or more if your lessons are cheaper), or a share @£150 a month for 2.5 years - does seem a fairer split than DD gets a uber-competition pony of her choice and you get to shovel the shit!

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think it should be possible to find a horse that suits you both! A connemara, slightly overgrown new forest pony, maybe a welsh pony or haflinger, something like that... you could find something that would happily carry you but isn't so chunky she would be overhorsed or that it wouldn't be able to do a bit of showjumping with her. A highland would probably be a bit wide and heavy for her.

Bear in mind a couple of inches of "height" is something that you easily gain or lose depending on whether the horse has much of a wither or not... how wide they are and how they ride is much more relevant than their exact height.

I would be tempted to book her some lessons riding a variety of different horses of different heights/builds so she can see it's not just about the height.

As someone that grew without my own horse and had to make do with riding lessons, I was probably riding anything from 11-15.2hh at the age of 12... her insisting on the exact height of her new pony so that you can't ride it sounds pretty bratty to me. What would her response be if you said you were buying something slightly larger that suits you both and she could ride it or not as she pleases?

I would try and find a nice native pony.

For what it’s worth I’m mid 30s/5ft 2 and have competed my 13.1hh fell in all disciplines...I never outgrew ponies! You don’t necessarily need height rather something with a bit of bone! Most natives (highland/dales/overheight fell) are really good weight carriers.

I think you’re being selfish I’m afraid. The last thing you should want to do is overhorse her. I think you should put her first and either lose some weight (you speak about that as if you have no choice in the matter!) or wait another couple of years until she is ready for something bigger.

We put our children first as parents, no?

Honestly? I think she will outgrow a 13.2hh within the year. I assume you will be selling the current pony? I would buy an older schoolmaster pony that you can both ride - a 14.2hh native type will be able to carry you for hacking out a few times a week and be sporty enough to do an 80/90cm track. Also with the money saved you could get a trailer/lorry.

A safe 14.2 that can jump a 90 track?

You won't be saving money!

@Tirednest I'd certainly be expecting change from £15k for that in the current market! I'm not sure op is looking for a house prospect for a dc coming off a little cob?!

*HOYS not house

You won't find a safe 14.2 jumping 90cm for love nor money

Really? I know one for sale now. For much less than £15K.

I wouldn't expect to pay that kind of money for any horse that's not a serious competition pony.

Well maybe OP will be lucky. Certainly nothing around here that will jump a 90 track and hack safely. A few 80cm allrounders.

You will if you are prepared to look for them. Also I said to get an older pony - it obviously doesn’t have to be dead on 14.2hh but around that height…

I know that horse prices have gone up massively since Covid but in my area there is not a chance of anyone paying over 15k for an older native pony!

Well yes - it depends on location regarding pricing but if your prepared to look around you can easily find something suitable 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I'll say it again. A safe 14.2 jumping 90cm will be like hens teeth. I'd love to see a single advert for one in OPs budget.

Yes, an older native will be much less than 15k but it won't be jumping 90cm.

Plenty of older ponies still competitive under 15k…..

Not sure why you assume you are right but hey ho!

Think OP is buying just for the daughter now I’m sure she will find something suitable.

My daughter's friends are currently competing on 22 and 24-year-old competition ponies who are still jumping machines even at their ages. Easily competing at 1.15m

Are they for sale?

Of course they are out there - we have one. He's just over 14.2, jumping and eventing at 90 and is safe in every way. If he went on the market he'd be at least 15k.

Not for sale 😀Fair point