When do you walk away?

[scaredrider]

I have a beautiful bay thoroughbred gelding on a share. He’s pretty laid back (for a thoroughbred) and very sweet on the ground. My problem is that I’ve become an ever-more anxious rider and I really don’t know why. I was absolutely fine for the first 6 months with him and not nervous at all, but it’s been getting worse over the last 9 months. And I know that he is picking up on this so tends to be a bit spook-ier with me, which obviously just compounds the problem. I just don’t know at what point I walk away (knowing I will never get the chance of another share like this--I’m in a part of England where these opportunities come up once in a blue moon.)

I’m a reasonably good rider (having weekly lessons and instructor keeps telling me that I’m much better than I think I am and I’m good with him). But the nerves are stopping me enjoying myself. I really don’t want to walk away--I’m not one to give up on things. When I’m nervous, I do push myself through it and keep going, but riding shouldn’t be like that, should it? I can be so nervous that I’m physically shaking and feel sick. I get so annoyed and frustrated with myself.

As a side point, I have been more anxious in general and have started HRT in case it helps. I’m wondering if menopause anxiety is affecting my confidence with riding, but I don’t know. I’ve been told to give the HRT three months to kick in. I don’t know whether my nerves will hold up that long. I’m also having lots of problems with work and redundancies so there is a financial aspect to this, too At what point would you walk away in this situation?

My first question was going to be whether you were menopausal! Give the HRT a little longer.

@Abra1d1 thanks. I have him again tomorrow and I’m already feeling ill at the thought of riding. Even though there’s a 95%+ chance everything will fine. I try to rationalise it all within my headhe’s never naughty or anything, bit spooky at shadows and birds flying acrossstuff that I can deal with, but makes me more nervous. But does it make sense that the menopause could affect the one thing I love doing more than anything else to such an extent? I don’t know whether I’m clutching at straws thinking HRT can be that powerful.

How long have you been on HRT?

Don’t know how I managed to strike that text out 🙄. It’s not meant to be.

Almost 2 weeks, which I know is no time at all. But the anxiety seems to have got even worse than before I started.

I don't know what the answer is but I'm the same. I've stopped riding altogether, I kept freezing up/getting panic attacks. I'm a novice rider on a bombproof horse who won't even trot, but he got down and rolled with me on him one day and that was it for my nerves. Been on the HRT 6 months now. I used to be able to trot and canter!

I would post on the menopause section and ask other people about anxiety settling on HRT or not, or whether doses needed tweaking.

If you are not enjoying it stop doing it and just go back to having some lessons .

I feel so much happier and less nervous in lessons--I think because someone is there in case things go wrong.
@Kleptronic sorry you’re also feeling this way--has the HRT helped at all?
@Abra1d1 thanks, I hadn't realised there was a menopause section.
@Floralnomad it’s tempting, but then I think I’ll never get another horse like him on share and once I walk away, there’s no turning back.
I would be so upset if I handed him back, only to find this anxiety was menopausal and things got better after a few months on HRT.

I didn’t add in my OP that he absolutely lost it on Wednesday as someone had a hose pipe out and he went crazy at it. Thankfully someone was there to help me get on, but it’s heightened my nerves even further as I’ve always been told he doesn’t ever behave that way. I don’t think that was my nerves coming through as he went crazy as soon as he saw it (before I got on). He did eventually calm down.

Does anyone have tips for dealing with nerves when riding? Anything to try and get around the mental block? I do want to give the HRT a chance, if I can find a way to cope.

Could you just not ride him for a bit , work with him on the ground lunging and perhaps some in hand obstacle courses and have some lessons on something really safe that way you will know whether it is menopausal and whether it is going to improve .

Does the share rely on you having to ride him? Have you spoken to his owner about it? Can you not just go and enjoy spending time with him on the ground for a few weeks, take riding completely off the table and see how you feel them? Without the pressure of having to ride him you might be happier and less stressed and in turn he might be too. If he must be exercised can you lunge him or take him out in hand?

Could you work him from the ground for a bit while you let the HRT get going? Keep going with the lessons, but lunge in between (or long rein/loose jump)? That would buy you some time to work out whether HRT will be a quick fix for the anxiety or not (and it mostly has been for me).

If it's something you love, and would be hard to replace if you get things sorted out and want to come back to it in eg 3 months, would that be worth a try?

Basically, yes, the share relies on my riding him. Lunging is difficult as it’s an extremely busy yard and the indoor/outdoor schools can be really busy when I’m there so no space to lunge.

It’s tempting to take him for a walk in-hand, but then I worry I’ve given into the fear. And once I’ve done that, it will only get harder and harder to go back.

@ChocolateChocolateEverywhere so the HRT has helped your anxiety?

@scaredrider definitely. It appear to be hormonal and there are points in the cycle that it's still present, but for most of my cycle it's now not an issue. So I'll have 3 or 4 nights waking up stressing/ avoiding seeing anyone in case I say something stupid/ insert other random thing my brain has fixed on but for the rest of the time I'm fine. And when I am anxious I know that it's not real. That doesn't stop it, but it does lead to an odd internal dialogue!

I've been on HRT for 2 years now, and I will not respond well to suggestions that it might be taken away; I'm genuinely afraid of the mh rabbit hole that awaits.

Nerves are a funny thing. However I have a shared and if their nerves were getting to the state where they were negatively impacting my horse, and making them anxious I would want to know and would seriously reconsider the share. Not least because the horses lack of confidence will get worse with yours and could well spiral into quite a nasty situation.
Personally jn your situation id talk to the owner, ask if she’d consider giving you two months “off” go and have a bit of a crash course of lessons with a good instructor on a schoolmaster and then review.

that should say I have a sharer!
i also have a TB and they are big bastards who are quite dim and can move very quickly. Hence why a lack of confidence would concern me so much here

It’s tempting to take him for a walk in-hand, but then I worry I’ve given into the fear. And once I’ve done that, it will only get harder and harder to go back

Given into the fear or been kind to yourself to give yourself space to work out whatever it is youre afraid of?

Is there a point at which the fear kicks in? Is it when you get on? When you walk? Trot? Canter? Stop one step before that. Do what you're comfortable with, little and often and end on a good note, even if you think you could do more.

I had a problem with mounting at one point because i went to get on and the girth wasnt tight enough so the saddle slipped. The only way around that for me was to have someone hold the stirrup while i got on. If you're worried about the horse spooking while you're getting on can you ask someone to hold him?

If you're afraid to trot, then just walk. Do lots of exercises in walk, don't trot even if things are going well. Do 15-20 minutes and get off again. Make sure you end on a good note. If you're getting tense while in the saddle, you've issued yourself too far so go back a step.

Persevering with riding him while you're afraid will only do you both harm. He's got no idea why you're so afraid and he will pick up on your energy and become tense and afraid himself. Surely its better for him not to be ridden than for every ride to end up with both of you wound up tightly?

Grooming, groundwork, in hand will help to build your trust in each other.

A lot of horses would react that way to a hosepipe, apparently they hate snakes and it reminds them of that. If it’s a busy yard do you have any buddies you could chum up with? If you ride with someone else maybe you’ll find it easier. Will your instructor hack with you instead of a lesson?

@ChocolateChocolateEverywhere , the owner knows, as does the instructor. The horse is a 24 year old laidback-schoolmaster type that you would ever find in a thoroughbred. (I’m used to riding a couple of riding school horses that are much sharper). My instructor works closely between the two of us and is clear that he thinks I’m doing well with the horse. He’s the kind of person who always speaks his mind so I trust his judgement.

@Fandabulous mounting is what gets me most stressed as he’s 16.3 and I have joint problems that mean I have to go to the top of the mounting block to get on and I feel very wobbly. (joints are fine once I’m on) But he’s never once walked off or anything so I don’t know why I feel so nervous. Once I’m on, 80% of the nerves go away and feel great once finished. So, yes, thinking about it, getting on is the thing that stresses me most.

@FleurDeLizz I think the hosepipe (accompanied by someone waving a brush around in the air) would scare a lot of horses.
I tend to be up there when it’s quiet so not generally anyone to ride with.

I’ve been up to the stables, done all my jobs and arranged for someone to ride dhorse (with owner’s permission), but I still feel so nervous/anxious that I’m literally shaking. I’ve never felt like this before-- not even before job interviews or exams. I’m not a nervous kind of person. I’ve been over to the menopause section and a few people said they felt more anxious on HRT than before until it settled down. Given that, I think it would be wrong to make any long-lasting decisions until everything hopefully settles down.

Is part of your nerves worrying about what other people think of you being nervous? Especially if he's a schoolmaster. Are you worried people are judging you?

Oh boy, @Fandabulous yes, that does get to me. People just hang around the outdoor school watching people ride and I hate it. That’s partly why I go up when it’s quiet.

Could you go in the school and just mosey around? Don’t have a plan just enjoying sitting in your saddle, ride one handed like a cowboy on the range. Take the pressure off schooling him and just do some simple shapes, do bending, stretching - then add in some other stuff. I don’t ride at the moment but I used to suffer badly with nerves and just doing absolutely nothing really helped. Getting on was my least favourite part too so I definitely know how you feel

I'm 57 and I've been where you are so many times. You need to be kind to yourself and just walk on him for short periods . Gradually build up the time that you ride. I found it helped to have someone on the ground for a while too. I'm back to cantering out on hacks again but still have the occasional wobble especially if we go somewhere new.

@FleurDeLizz and @Mollyplop999

Thanks. I think I’ll do things slowly, as you say, and do it a day at a time. It’s helpful having been on the menopause board to understand that this insane anxiety might lift in time. Posting here has helped me to get a bit of perspective.