WWYD? Another baby or a horse?

[completelyclueless1]

Hello

There is no point asking this queston anywhere else on mumsnet because horses make no logical sense!

I've always ridden and owned horses. I was never going to set the world alight, but I did BE 90cm, riding club stuff and a little bit of hunting. It was my absolute passion.

I sold my horse in 2016 and had my son in Jan 2018. It hit me like a ton of bricks, he was an awful, colicky baby and I had bad postnatal depression. The first six months were the darkest of my life.

He's adorable now - everyone promised me that a bad baby would be a good toddler, and he is! He is the light of my life.

Anyway, my husband is very much 'one and done'. He says it all worked out for the best, the three of us are a happy little triangle and that we should plan for me getting a new horse when my son starts school (my husband isn't horsey but he enjoys the lifestyle and is quite frankly amazing). He says he'd enjoy the daddy/son time if I were at the yard at the weekend for a few hours.

However, I can't get my mind off having another baby. I feel like if it went well it would exercise all my PND demons, and that I could always get back into horses when I'm late 40s. I could never afford two and a horse, and my husband would NOT be up for having two on his own while I played ponies at the weekend. I also feel pressure to porvide my son with a sibling and my parents with another grandchild.

I don't really know what I'm asking. Has some hormonal switch gone off thats making me crave another, even though life could be perfect with one?

I work full time in a job I love, and going back to work was when I started enjoying being a mum.

I am beyond fortunate to be in this position. I just feel a bit confused. I wouldn't even want to get pregnant anytime soon, so I don't know why I'm obsessing like this.

I think I'd be fine with having one if the decision were taken out of my hands, its the fact I'm lucky enough to have the choice.

I'm 33 in case that matters and would be able to afford full livery if I only had my son and he were in school.

If it were me I would think about what I would regret most. Would I regret getting my own horse again in my thirties rather than waiting potentially 10yrs or would not having a second child be a bigger regret?

Personally I’m currently pregnant with no 2, I haven’t ridden for a good few years now since my last horse passed away but horses were my life and I will be going back to it. Even if I can’t commit to my own straight away I will look for something to ride in the mean time. I think the joy and love another child would bring would outweigh owning a horse for a few years. And I say that as someone who is pretty much dreading the arrival of no 2 due to how rough the first year was with DD.

It sounds as though you really want a second child so in your position I would follow that instinct and be honest with your husband, especially as you don't currently have a horse.

I totally understand the lure of horses having chosen to keep my horse rather than have children at all. I wish I could have had both but it wasn't to be, but I don't regret the choice.

I do think you know deep down what you would prefer and you should follow that instinct provided your husband is on board first.

All you owe your child is love and security and your parents have a grandchild - some have none!

I'd go with the horse as riding is your passion. Your little one can have a pony in due course and you can ride together. What a lovely life! I would certainly have liked it as a child.

He won't be the only only child at school, there will be plenty of others.

Having had PND, in your position I wouldn't be prepared to take the risk of having it, maybe worse, again.

However the decision is yours entirely. I hope everything works out.

I think having one child is brilliant and life is so, so much easier with one. Children certainly don't need a sibling. I know what I would do in your shoes.

I have one. The urge to have two was really strong for some of the same reasons as you but we are such a "happy triangle" like you I'm so glad we stopped when we did.

Although money and hobbies aren't everything, we can afford to have such a fun life because we have one. And she's never seriously missed a sibling.

Anyway, my husband is very much 'one and done'.

Is that not your answer then? Having more has to be a mutual decision, surely? At 33, married and settled, you're not right up against the clock. Give it a year or two, don't get a horse but save the money you would spend on one. If after that time you still want another child, discuss it with your husband. If he still says no, I think that's your answer.

If you've changed your mind by then, you have horse money saved and could get a really nice horse. If both you and your husband want another child you have a little bit saved. I don't think you need to make this decision right now.

I would say that in your 30s is a good time to have that horse. The horse I owned in my 30s was batshit. Gorgeous, but batshit. Caprioled for a pastime. I found it funny then but now in my late 40s I'm starting to think I want a nice 15hh native pony cross. Something with a bit of whizz but basically sensible. If I were coming back into it after a break, I might not have the nerve to restart.

I had horses growing up, loved them, they were my entire life. I had to sell when I was 17 because of exams and a rough patch in the family and I was devastated.

I was always meant to get back into it, even getting one on loan. Then I had DS1 at 20 and DS2 at 23. DS2 destroyed my hips, still can't walk longer than 5 miles or so without being in agony and some days it hurts to just lie down.

I am yearning for my horsey days but both my kids are disabled so there's no way I could ever afford to have one again, both with money and time.

If I were in your position, I'd choose the horse. I'm honestly welling up even thinking about being able to have that choice (sorry!) but do what's best for you and your family, a horse is a wonderful thing and will enrich your life. Anything can happen with a child, they could have disabilities, you could have a difficult pregnancy etc

@HereForTheHelp Please don't apologise, I'm sorry if my self-indulgent ramblings have upset you in any way at all.

I'm just obsessing over it all and no one would understand except fellow horsery people like yourself, but I realise I am ridiculously fortunate and I am grateful for the much-needed perspective .

@Vanhi I could very easily talk him round, but I feel that is how the end of good marriages start!

Such interesting answers, thank you so much everyone. Any other perspectives would be gratefully received as its giving me real food for thought.

Do you think this silly obsessing is some kind of 2 year hormonal trick that I'll get over?

I’m currently in a very similar situation OP. I have 1 DC, through the worst as he is at school now. I work part time, have a horse and enough money to have nice things and the time to enjoy it. I got lucky with DC and he is no trouble at all, happy to come along to the farm but generally entertains himself if I’m busy. We have a happy little family of 3 with no real stress or drama, DH and I are happy but both prefer peace and quiet!

However, I also feel like I’m letting the side down by not having another. That my DC has too small of a family or that he is missing out on siblings and everything that comes with it. I’m also worried about him being alone when I’m dead which I know is stupid.

Financially two children would mean the end of horses and hobbies as there’s no way we could afford the cost of maternity, childcare, feeding and clothing another and livery on my part time wages. Plus time wise it would be impossible so the horse would have to go. He is 10 now so by the time I could ride again properly he would be 15 and I have wasted his prime.

MIL thinks I’m selfish putting horses and hobbies before family

I don’t know what the answer is but I just thought I would say your not alone!

Would a loan or share work? You could see how that goes before making a decision one way or the other.

One thing that really prevented me from having a second is that I read that PND can get much worse on subsequent pregnancies.

Your husband doesn’t want another child so I would say the option is just getting a horse or... not getting a horse.

I had the same worry that my urge to have a second was just my hormones playing up and I would feel the urge for a third or a fourth. They weren’t. Having DD2 made me family compete and I’ve never felt the desire for another. However, having had mild PND with DD1, I went on to have very severe PND after DD2. I was in a mother and baby unit for two months. Ten years on and I have developed bipolar disorder and have never completely recovered. However, in spite of how tough it’s been, I’m relieved that I don’t regret having a second. It’s wonderful to see the two of them together.

But, I think I could also have been happy with just the one if that was how it worked out. I would love to be able to have a horse, go on nice holidays etc. But having a second has made it impossible. Plus, DH had to stop working to care for me.

Keep in mind that just because you like horses, it doesn’t follow that your DC will. DD1 shares my love of horses, but DD2 hates it (& I pushed her pretty hard!) The problem is that I know I have to prioritise getting DD1 a horse over myself. We have a part loan for her and could never afford to get something for me. We already spend a significant chunk of money on lessons for me and her + the part loan.

Could you maybe get a horse share/ to test the waters?

It's made me feel better that the answerrs seem to be 50/50 perhaps it really is a hard one to weigh up!

I have one DS (age 10) and a horse on part-loan 3 days per week. I work long hours 2-3 days per week, so having my own isn't practical at the moment. I had my own as a teenager and sold when I went to Uni. I only got back into riding 18 months ago, and got my loan horse 6 months ago.

I certainly had the hormonal urge for a second baby from when DS was about 18 months old, but we were in no position to have a second then, for multiple reasons. I was desperate for another, like you I was obsessing over it and struggled to think about anything else. DH was happy with one, but would have had a second to keep me happy, although I do believe it would've strained our marriage a great deal. He asked me to wait until things settled a bit before deciding. By the time life settled down, DS was 4yrs old, and the urge to have another had completely disappeared.
I'm really happy having one child, and we are able to have a lovely lifestyle, including my loan horse!

DS has close relationships with his uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents, and has lots of lovely friends. He has a busy and active social life. He only once asked for a sibling, and when we explored that idea with him, it turned out that what he wanted was an older brother! He tells us his friends all complain endlessly about their younger siblings and he's glad not to have any.

We are very aware of not wanting him to have all the responsibility when we are old and frail, and will ensure this with wills, powers of attorney and advance directives as needed, with solicitors named as executors to prevent him having to do it all.

Best of all, DS loves horses, is learning to ride, and we can now sometimes hack out together as is allowed to borrow a pony from a friend at the livery yard. Riding with my boy makes me very happy .

If your DH doesn’t want another child then surely that is your answer? .

You can’t expect him to have another child against his wishes?

We have an only child (by choice) and are very happy - no horse though .

In your shoes I'd get the horse!

I am also horse mad and pregnant with my first, and possibly only. I haven't had my own horse for a good few years with uni and work etc, but still ride regularly. Didn't feel like a good idea to get one when we knew we wanted to TTC.

The only thing missing in your first post is that you desperately miss riding and having a horse.

What I hear is that your DH enjoyed the lifestyle when you were riding but you are not saying you desperately miss it. In fact you had your last horse in 2016 and DS in 2018 so no horses for 3 - 4 years and you don’t desperately miss it, can’t wait to get back to riding.

Separate subject you do want another DC. To the point that you could happily put off horses until late 40’s and you are only 33 now. I know your DH wants to keep you as a happy family of 3, would he feel the same if you told him you really want another DC?

It's a difficult one. I have always had horses, but I didn't get to ride much when I had 2 pre school DC. Then I bought a youngster when DS2 started school thinking I would get back into competing, but unfortunately ended up getting divorced and on my own with the DC. I kept my horse but outside of schooling her when I could my riding took a back seat to working and bringing up the children. I am now 55 and my youngster is 20, so I am trying to decide if I am too old to buy another!

I've got 2 kids and until today 2 horses. One at school one not at school yet.

Tbh I'm not really feeling that into horses at the mo - it's just all a bit too much with work etc. I only work part time. When are you gonna fit in any riding if you are working full time? When will you spend time with DS? I'd maybe give yourself an easy life and have neither!

This could be me! I also have one child who is now almost six and the baby and pre school years were quite frankly, a nightmare. I found it all so difficult.

I've also had horses all my life but have now been horseless for 7 yrs and am desperate to get another.

Personally I would far rather have another horse, compete and have the time to enjoy it and fully indulge myself, rather than having another child and losing the best part of ten yrs again!

However, you sound like you do actually want another child so I don't think getting another horse is going to quash that!

Horse every time. If you have another you will not have time and money for horse!

Can you find a compromise?

I have had my pony for nearly 20 years now, in the past I did tonnes with her, now I have two children and work full time I have sharers and just enjoy hacking her out withe the occasional lesson/low level local comp. I'd love to get back to doing more with her, but I don't regret having two children at all. What I do know is that when dpony was injured and out of action for a few months my mental health really suffered so my husband and I decided we would always try and find a way to keep her in our lives, even if at a low level - and he's not horsey or massively supportive of it!

For now, this works for me, as the kids get older and have their own activities I will get more time back to myself and more pony time. I know I am very lucky to be able to do this but have seen many people needing sharers out there, quite a few offering opportunities to compete and treat the horse as your own but with much less cost and responsibility. I know it is not for everyone though.

As for the 2 year itch thing - YES! My youngest is now just over 2 and I am so broody., the same as when the eldest was 2. We might get a dog.....

If your DH doesn’t want another child then surely that is your answer?

A very good point, I think I probably worded it too strongly orginally, because as my son gets older he does say on the odd day that he'd love another. But then on other days he says he has changed his mind. To be honest I think it will reach a point when he dumps it all on me and says 'upto you, I'd be ok either way'. This is my worst nightmare. I actually think if he said 'foot down, this is a divorce issue' I would take it quite well. It's the uncertainty thats driving me a bit bonkers.

The only thing missing in your first post is that you desperately miss riding and having a horse.

You're right. I do miss it though. I have a private lesson once a fortnight and the smell of their necks! I miss it so much.

When are you gonna fit in any riding if you are working full time? When will you spend time with DS? I'd maybe give yourself an easy life and have neither!

You have a good point. The grass is always greener isn't it - I know in the winter after a days work the last thing you need is a horse to see. And then a son on top of that.

I kind of feel that I'd need to justify not giving my son a sibling by instead using that time and money on a passion. I couldn't possibly gift myself an easy life!

As for the 2 year itch thing - YES!

This makes me feel A LOT better! I'm not going mad.

I'm annoying myself with all this rambling. I apologise to you all!

I would get the horse and see how you feel in a year or two’s time.

you can always sell a horse in a year or two if the urge does not go away?

I would have said have another baby but id be wary with the PND.

get the horse for now!