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Discuss horse riding and ownership on our Horse forum.

Original poster

Keeping in contact with new owners?

32 replies

Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 13:35

We bought our mare 9 months ago. The previous owner had her since she was wee and was heart broken at selling. We agreed to stay in contact. I feel really mean saying this, but i dont think i want to anymore. I cant even explain why. The guy has visited 4 times and messages semi regularly for updates. I KNOW thats not all that much really, but it feels as if the horse is not ours. I think i thought i was easing the transition and contact would naturally peter out. But it doesnt seem to be.

Is this a common arrangement? Ive never kept in contact before

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ReadytoTalk · 03/07/2018 13:36

I wouldn't like it either. I think id just let contract peter out. Harsh but its not their horse any more.

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 13:45

Horse is poorly right now and he wants to come visit. He has asked twice and i have already said no once

Would you just ignore?

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mrslaughan · 03/07/2018 13:52

I have always kept in touch BUT I more follow progress on Facebook , than asking for updates, and have never visited - I think the level you are describing is quite unusual.....and I would find it weird /stalker-y.

I would try and establish boundaries, or just cut contact.

ReadytoTalk · 03/07/2018 13:54

Yeah i would. If they wanted to stay in the horse's life they shouldn't have sold it. I mean they could have put it out on loan and then they would still have some sort of input but they didn't. Although if it looks like the horse wasn't going to make it then I would let them come and say goodbye to it.

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 13:58

I dont think its stalkery. I think he just really loves the horse. And i GET that, which is why i agreed. But, i didnt expect that i wouldnt feel comfortable with it. He is saying that a visit would be good for the horse/make her feel better. But WE are in the process of making that bond/providing that comfort arent we. He also feeds treats i dont like/ does activities in a way that we dont

But, i dont know what boundaries to draw!...its my fault, for saying it was ok in the first place. Now i feel rotten

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Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 14:00

ready shes not going to die. Its just infectious. Horse is a bit miserable being quarantened/its hot/grass is rubbish/out of work etc etc

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Springersrock · 03/07/2018 14:05

We bought DD’s horse about a year ago and contact with the previous owner tailed off over a few months.

The last time she messaged me was Christmas.

Her DD is friends with my DD on Facebook and Instagram and they message each other on there occasionally, or if DD posts a pic then her DD will like or comment

DD goes out and about with horse a lot - blood hounds, shows, beach rides, etc and we bump into the old owner quite a lot (she’s there with her DD) and she’ll always come over to say hello

theunsure · 03/07/2018 14:07

I got my mare 10 years ago, still in contact with previous owner via social media and we have some mutual friends in the horse world.
She has visited a handful of times over a decade which has been great. But I do think your person is being ridiculous.

I think it would be unnecessary to cut all contact. A twice yearly photo and short update via email or similar would be a nice thing to do. Visits would be a no though as he has no boundaries.

Just ignore requests to visit and don’t engage until he gets the message.

Springersrock · 03/07/2018 14:09

Sorry, posted too soon

If we bump into her old owner will come over and say hello and ask if she can give horse a polo, make a quick fuss of her and then go back to her own DD

I wouldn’t like what you describe.

Rollingdinosaur · 03/07/2018 14:10

I think visiting 4 times in 9 months is a lot. It is more than the owner of my last loan horse visited me. It is nice to keep in touch but it sounds like he is over stepping boundaries, and at risk of interfering with your developing relationship with the horse. You are quite within your rights to tell him to back off a bit.

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 14:31

HOW do i tell him to back off? Lol. I sometime feel like just giving him the horse back!!

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ReadytoTalk · 03/07/2018 15:32

I would just ignore him. What's the worst that could happen?

fatbottomgirl67 · 03/07/2018 15:55

I am still I touch with owner of a mare I sold 3 years ago. Get very regular updates and i love it. Tjink they love her so much they like to share their joy. Ladt pony we sold now lives in the same yard as us in the next door stable. Lovely people and its just great knowing how well cared for she is. I imagine the previous owners just miss her and like to kerp in touch but it is your choice. I've just been really lucky and live to here how they are getting on

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 16:32

fat ive beeen thinking about it more, in light of your post. In theory, i have no problem with staying in contact, even visits. But, i think what i have realised is, i cant deal with the level of emotion. He is still heart broken. And i think it makes me feel guilty, which somewhat taints yhe excitement/enjoyment. Maybe. I dont know. It feels stressful

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Rollingdinosaur · 03/07/2018 17:39

I am curious. Why did they sell if it was going to leave them so heartbroken?

If he is a reasonable person I'd imagine he'd understand if you asked him politely to back off. Just explain it how you have here, that it's making you feel bad, and maybe agree that you will update him a couple of times a year, or whatever you feel comfortable with.

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 18:53

Bad health rolling

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Floralnomad · 03/07/2018 18:58

We never stayed in contact with anyone we bought off and we never sold anything so it never arose . We did have a stalkerish few weeks with the previous owner of one of ours and it was unnerving . Frankly IMO if you want to stay in touch then don’t sell .

callmeadoctor · 03/07/2018 19:06

I would let him know that you will update every so often on Facebook (add him as a friend) then leave it at that. That way he can have a nosy every so often without pestering you?

Original poster
Shakymakey · 03/07/2018 21:42

We friended each other on FB from the beginning

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Booboostwo · 04/07/2018 08:57

The visits are completely unreasonable, you are right to put an end to them. When I've bought new horses I give an immediate update to let old owners know the horse has settled in well and then just give an update once a year. If they reply then I keep this yearly update up, but that's all. Expecting more in unreasonable.

It sounds like he sold the horse under very difficult circumstances but that doesn't make you responsible for managing his pain and sense to f loss.

Flyme21 · 04/07/2018 09:59

I would be honest and say what you said above - it feels as if the horse isn't properly yours yet. If you feel kind suggest once a year. You mention that he feeds treats and does activities in a way you don't like. Why are you letting him? I would allow the odd visit, but I'd tell him in advance not to bring treats because you don't allow hand feeding. I'm wondering what the activities are, but again it's your horse. Just say that you don't want him to do any of that.

Butkin1 · 04/07/2018 11:58

We have sold quite a few of DDs ponies and I would never do what this person is doing. It's very weird and puts undue pressure on you and your family.

DD does keep in touch with one of her ex ponies via the ladies FB page and I think that's fine. We've even gone up to her and given her a pat when at the same show once but anything more would not be fair on her new owners.

Similarly we do keep in touch with one of our current ponies previous owners. She comes and watches us at shows (which DD isn't mad about as it puts pressure no her) and we're good friends.

However I think visits are a total no and say this now before it drags on and gets messy which is sounds as if it may.

Barbaro · 07/07/2018 18:26

That's strange and I wouldn't like it. Would just ignore him.

Thankfully never heard from my horses first and only previous owner, she bred him. I got him with his hooves in a state, he was way too thin for his build although not starving, he wouldn't let you touch or even pick up his legs as he was too nervous about it, and he was terrified of any whip at all, even short ones. Safe to say he had been abused, although carefully so as not to arouse suspicion but I am certain of it. Horses aren't born terrified of whips or having their legs handled.

If she came over to see him she would get told to go away and not touch him at all. But I doubt that will ever happen, she wouldn't even recognise him now.

Original poster
Shakymakey · 07/07/2018 18:57

We have had some messages over the last week or so. I said again that he couldnt visit whilst the horse is poorly. He misunderstood and thought i meant AT ALL. And said, he hadnt had chance to say goodbye. He did apologise for being a pain, just said that he loves her and struggles to let go.

So on the one hand, i feel like, good byes should already have been said and he needs to let go. On the otherhand, it seems cruel to prevent someone from coming BECAUSE they are so emotionally attached.

It doesnt actually impact on my life much on any practical level. So, i think i have decided just to try not to let his emotions get to me. See how that goes

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krustykittens · 07/07/2018 19:47

We bought a pony from a lady who just couldn't let go. Constant visits to the yard, which even the yard staff found intrusive (she would turn up and just hang around waiting for me to arrive, pestering the staff to phone me, which they refused to do). We moved a long way away and now just keep in touch via FB. Like you, my daughter felt the pony wasn't really hers. She even used to come along to DD's lessons! He is being a pain and he HAS had a chance to say goodbye - when he sold her! The pony is now nothing to do with him. I would tell him, bluntly, that the animal needs to move on now and you have no relationship at all with him and you would like to be left alone to get on with your lives. A yearly update is enough. I say this as someone who is in touch with all my pony's old owners.