I think it might be time

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I am heartbroken. Bastard bloody animals.

God exit I'm so sorry .

I have a 35 (or so) year old holding his own at the minute, and I am horribly aware that it is only a matter of time. I would hug you if I could.

If only they could go quietly.

I have been away for two weeks. Coming home is so hard. I have a big horse shaped hole in my life.

I am bereft.

And soooo pathetic.

Not pathetic in the slightest. Any other relationship ending like that would be a valid cause for grief, the fact that your loss is a horse doesn't change a thing.

A huge part of your life has changed. I'm so sorry, it's horrible.

I wept at random moments for weeks after I lost my lovely boy in a field accident - the slightest things would set me off, something in the newspaper, on the telly, a book - anything even vaguely sad and I was off. Those moments slowly became further apart and now, although I think of him often (mostly when current dhorse is being an arse!), they are good memories not sad ones.

Nothing pathetic about grieving, nothing at all.

Of course you're not pathetic . Not at all , you can't expect not to be upset about the loss of something that was part of your life for so long . I lost my first pony almost 4 years ago now , and it still upsets me . In fact one of the things that really did , was that we had our stable yard redesigned and built , and she never got to go in it . Which is why we have each of her last set of shoes nailed above each door .

It's the actual death that I cannot get out of my mind. Some people, including my father, were shocked that I held her. Part of me wishes I hadn't because it was horrendous, but for me, not her.

I keep revisiting it in my head. I know that time will heal over the wound, but being horseless for the first time in 24 years is very hard.

Thank goodness I have DD's horse to abuse me.....

Oh god Exit, I'm about to join you. My darling pony had his third episode of colic in 3 months last night and although we caught him before it had taken hold, and he's fine this morning, the vet has said that we need to seriously consider having him put to sleep whilst he's between episodes rather than in an emergency which she has no doubt will come sooner rather than later. She said the chances of him colicking over night and coming down to find him dead in the morning are increasing. She's pretty sure he has a pedunculated lipoma (a fatty lump on a stalk) which is waving about catching food as it goes through him and causing blockages - the stalk keeps growing and will eventually wind itself round his gut......

He's 22/23, the children's first and only pony and a beloved companion to my horse, my husband and myself - I'm distraught at the thought of having to find another pony and then make the arrangements for him, I know it's right, I know I don't want him in pain and don't want to lose him in an emergency, but god it's hard.

Oh bless. You have my total and utter sympathy. Nothing will make it any easier, especially if he looks well. But I do believe that the week before is worse for you than the week after. I am contemplating posting asking for people's views on the best way to pts. The twitch of my Mare's ear after she had gone down is driving me insane. Was she conscious? Was she saying goodbye? Was it just an involuntary twitch?

See, I am in floods again.

Bastard animals.

Sending you some soggy love and as much strength as I can muster.

Xxx

Oh my love, I'm so, so sorry xx. I know how much you loved her and how much she meant to you.

Don't doubt yourself for holding her and being there, yes it's bloody hard on you, but you'll always know you did the best thing for her, for her whole life.

I have held all of my animals when the time came. Admittedly, that's much easier when you can actually 'hold' them. I always assumed they would get a horse to lie down if possible, watching her go down must have been really, really awful.

I haven't read your posts on the other thread, so I don't know what brought the decision on at that particular time, but I know you and I know you would have done it for her! keeping her going would have been easier for you! but not better for her. You have been loving & selfless, you couldn't have done anymore xx

I too presumed she would drop gently to her knees, then I could hold her head as she passed.

It was fucking horrendous.

Thank you for your kind words.

I have decided what we're going to do with dpony. He loves hounds and hunting and although he hasn't been for years goes wild with excitement if he hears them locally. I've spoken to the kennels and the huntsman has said that at a time of our choosing I can take him up there, leave them with him and they'll put him down in the paddock next to the hounds. There are other horses there too, he and his partner are both very gentle with horses so I know he'll be handled carefully and with love. They have said it's up to me whether I stay or not, I'll make that decision at the time.

I keep bursting into tears every time I think of him, just been out to check him in the field and his perky little face just got me - again.

I know you said your vet was fab, but I think he could have done a bit more to prepare you actually. You should have known a bit more about exactly what would happen. I think that the way it happened actually sounds very traumatic. You are dealing with the trauma and her no longer being here. It's like the difference between losing a loved one to an RTA and seeing the RTA when it happened, the outcome is the same, but the trauma is different.

You might need to see your GP for a bit of help x

He did tell me all the possible reactions, but I was on auto pilot.

I'll be fine. Just been to clear out all her stuff and had a good cry.

Your solution sounds great Frosty. Good luck.

I've held all my horses when they were PTS (4 in total) , my vet has always given a sedative first and the actual 'death' has been quite peaceful ,I'm sorry you feel so badly about it but I'm sure you will in time come to realise that you did need to be there . Best wishes .

He did give her some sedivet. But he said that was so she wouldn't feel any pain from the catheter.

I suppose they all react differently.

So sorry for your loss Exit. I had to have my beloved mare PTS 17 years ago now. She was my very best friend and I was only in my twenties. Back then the injection was not so effective and vets advised that the kindest thing to do was to call out the knackerman. So I stood next to my beloved girl in her stable as a smelly, gruff knackerman put a bullet through her head. It has never ever left me and can always bring me to tears, as reading your news did. BUT I am so proud that I stayed with her to the end. She loved me (I had rescued her from a shitty life) and I loved her and I stayed with her until the end. I owed her that and I think she knew. It is awful but you should be very proud that the last thing she knew was that her best friend was with her. Take comfort in that until you meet again at Rainbow Bridge x

Thank you. It was crap for me but not, I hope, for her. The last thing she heard was my voice, and felt was my touch.

Xxx

Actually, with hindsight, I think shooting may be the best way. A dear friend had her horse pts a couple of years ago, but her husband held him whilst the deed was done. He said it was definitely the way to go. I thought it would be too violent, for me.

Whatever. She is gone now.

Oh love, you don't have to be stoic around here xx

I'd prefer the needle, the gun would be too violent for me and I'd worry about them missing the right place.

You gave her a very, very good life, she loved you - even when you weren't taking her food! :) You stayed with her, your voice & your touch 'saw her out', in the end, she went feeling loved - not everyone or everything does x

I wonder if its actually more to do with the vet than the method . We had ours PTS ( by injection) in 1994, 1998 (2)and 2003 , my vet works mainly with farm animals and horses and gave us lots of advice about what was best for us ( we know him well) . Don't be too hard on yourself ,it's very early days .

Please don't make me feel I made the wrong call. As I say, it was very quick for her, it was me that suffered.

I don't think you made the wrong call ,it's very difficult ,especially if its the first time you have had to deal with it .I lost the horse 'love of my life ' in 1998 and I will never get another horse so I do realise how you feel . We have never sold a horse / pony and with only one pony left I'm not prepared to put myself through it again .

That's how I feel. DH, bless him, has asked if I am getting another, just as a pet. ( I can't physically ride anymore.). But I told him I cannot put myself through this pain again.

DD will have to deal with her own horse when the time comes.