Consequences for relational aggression

[radiometer]

I work in a new-ish school which hasn't got its routines all worked out yet.

I've got a situation where a student has deliberately duped classmates into disclosing mean opinions about others, and then taken them to the target. She does a good sideline in cutting remarks and a lot of the class are scared of her, including her buddies. She's upset some of the people she's targeted to the point of school refusal and changing school.

This student is far from remorseful. I would say that she's certainly sorry to have been caught but she's got bucket loads of deflections and side-intrigues and spurious justifications. Every time I think she's understood, she comes up with a new one.

Her parents claim to be supportive but they just parrot the same deflections and justifications. They don't take it that seriously (but I believe they have confiscated her phone as a consequence.)

The head of year has the exact same MO as the child, so I can't really take it to her!

I've worked out a behaviour contract with the student but if I'd been targeted by her, I'd be pretty cheesed off if I found out that the consequence was "some awkward conversations with adults". I don't think it's an exclusion sort of thing. We'd have to reserve that for if she keeps doing it after all this, I think.

What else is there? We don't have detentions but I reckon we could ask her to sit in the head of year's office at breaks for a week or something.
Apologies would only be helpful if she were sorry and she's not really.

Any ideas???

Are you primary or secondary ?

12-13 year old, yeah, sorry.

Sounds like bullying. Doesn’t your school have a bully policy in place yet?

12/13 year old girls are often working out power struggles and conflicts like this. I mean, what do you think should be done? Genuine question!

Sort of. We've got a definition and a stern reminder not to do it, plus the usual prevention activities like lessons and assemblies.

But when it happens, I think the HoY thinks it's enough when they have been talked to, behaviour contract drawn up and parents involved. Consequences beyond that? Blank.

Ocean well, something rather than nothing. That's what I'm asking... what is reasonable and proportionate?

What do they do at your school? Just say "this is normal for your age and gender, we'll let you off"? Genuine question.

From a Primary view, break time consequences can include having to stay next to a member of staff, friends can come and join if they wish, plenty of fresh air.

Quite interesting for the child to know who chooses to spend time with them in those circumstances... Usually zero.

I think to a certain extent you have to let them sort themselves out. If it’s slipping into bullying then the anti bullying policy should be applied.

I'd think this is beyond the point of "letting them sort themselves out" if she's driven other children to school refusal or to move schools! I mean I'm not a teacher or anything, but if my child was one of her victims I'd be pretty disguisted if she was just left to "sort themselves out"

Well yes and that’s where the anti bullying policy needs to step in.

However the OP hasn’t really gone into any detail (not having a go OP) and a lot of the time these things really can be six of one half a dozen of the other.

Pffft that's what teachers always say when they CBA sorting this stuff out.

Good on the OP for taking it seriously.

Don’t be silly

True ocean. Don't particularly want to go into the ins and outs but suffice to say, it's gone beyond a bit of developmentally appropriate boundary exploration. I'd call it bullying definitely.
Our anti-bullying policy is basically a placeholder at this stage. What should it say under "if you are engaging in bullying behaviours we will..." ?

I like that idea Scissor, I wish we could use it in our context because that would be informative.

deliberately duped classmates into disclosing mean opinions about others

Huh? The classmates presumably have their own brains and responsible for own actions. They had a mean opinion and they disclosed it.

I'm being serious oceanfive :)

Yeah, they did kiki but that's rather beside the point. Her behaviour is a technique for socially excluding another person. I think it's called backstabbing in the bizz.

www.verywellfamily.com/relational-aggression-bullying-460498

Is the child adopted? Does she have any attachment difficulties or has she experienced developmental trauma?
It sounds like she's got emotional problems of her own to want to manipulate these situations like this (she also sounds a bit like my adopted daughter who has very poor social skills, attachment disorder and the emotional age of about half her chronological age)

I just don't think that a happy well adjusted child would be doing this. It sounds like she thrives on the power trip, with the added bonus of keeping people wary of her and not getting close to people.

I know you need to think in terms of punishments and sanctions because of policies etc but can anyone work with her on emotional stuff, social stories etc? If you want her to stop then digging a bit deeper will be more effective long term. Do you have counselling or the thrive program or similar available in school?

@radiometer

Are those that voided their mean opinions being dealt with?

Or only the one who “duped” them

So, you have a child who is struggling to form positive relationships ( please bear with me, this is true for bully or anyone) so as a society it is in all of our best interests to make this work for this child. They need a consequence that makes a positive reinforcement of "if I ?" Then I am liked. People want to be liked. They are influenced and motivated and get the most amount of self esteem from it..

youaremyrain there's nothing obvious that we know about (like trauma or psychological issues) but funny you should say that, I think there is something going on under the surface. I referred her to our counselling team yesterday.
So, yeah, I don't want to punish her and make her think "I need to not get caught next time" but I do want a consequence so that she thinks "this wasn't worth it, I need to cut this shit out for reals"

Maybe it'll have to be a sort of suspended sentence, as in "I will be regularly checking in with the class and if there is any hint of nastiness, I will refer it straight to the headteacher"

@kiki yep, they are but it's easier because they admitted their part immediately and wanted to fix things. I don't need to ask mumsnet about what to do with them because it's already in hand. Parents are supportive etc.

@scissor that's a good point. I'll have a think on that.

I'm really disappointed to read the "leave them to sort it out" comments. My child is experiencing some relational aggression difficulties at the moment and if that was the attitudes of her teachers I'd be horrified. I'd want teachers to be supporting my child.

I don’t understand , why at a secondary school is there no detentions or are they all after school? Bullying is serious if taken into a count but needs evidence from witnesses such as incident reports . They could maybe put her in isolation/seclusion or whatever you call it for the whole day or at lunch

We're a hippy dippy experimental type school, xmas. We don't have those sort of sanctions for ideological reasons.
We've got the incident reports.
From what I understand from parental complaints (from other classes and cohorts), this sort of thing happens all the time.
A student engages in bullying, the incident reports are gathered, the child has a meeting with parents involved, swears never to do it again and then sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. There's a big push for form tutors to do special lessons in PSE and in English.
I want to break that pattern but I want to do it with compassion for all involved.