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Whether you're a permanent teacher, supply teacher or student teacher, you'll find others in the same situation on our Staffroom forum.

Original poster

Missing out on your own DC’s school events

40 replies

GreenTeacup · 14/12/2018 20:12

I will be doing my PGCE next year. Youngest child will be in year 1, eldest off to college and 3 other DC between.

I have accepted that I will not be available for sports days or Christmas plays

BUT

My parents were both teachers and as parents they were extremely distant. This wasn’t caused by their career but wasn’t helped by it either. I remember vividly not having anyone there at plays and I feel this is having an effect on my judgement and I am already overcome with parental guilt.

I know that I am not my parents but I am really just wondering if anyone has experience? I am sure my children will be fine and I don’t know why this is bothering me so much but it is.

OP posts:
Yumyumbananas · 14/12/2018 20:20

It will depend on the school you work at. I’m in primary and our staff are allowed to go to nativity plays if PPA is swapped around.

SureIusedtobetaller · 14/12/2018 20:21

Some schools will let you swap ppa so you can attend plays etc, within reason. I think with the teacher shortage, heads are increasingly inclined to be relaxed about things like this to promote staff wellbeing.
Teaching at your child’s school works best though Wink but that has its own issues!

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 14/12/2018 20:23

Its a reason many teachers go part time. I do think any of the 12 main teachers at my child's school have children.

Many older teachers are managed out or look for something more family friendly.

Aragog · 14/12/2018 20:24

As others say it depends on your HT.

My infant school HT is really flexible - she makes family life a priority. Her thinking is that we can't complain when parents can't make it to our school events, if she isn't willing to ensure her staff can make their own children's events. We are a smallish staff team who are very supportive of one another - so we are more than happy to cover. We are also lucky that we have a TA in all classes for at least part of every day.

The two secondaries I taught at were far less flexible. One of the (several) reasons I moved out of teaching when DD got to school age.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 14/12/2018 20:24

Teaching at your child’s school works best though Wink but that has its own issues!

I have done this-and was very happy. Things however have changed at work and now I am not happy but it’s very difficult to now leave...

I do sometimes miss events despite being in the same school-sports day I was on a training course, the classroom open event for KS1 I was at the church rehearsing for speech day etc etc etc

Original poster
GreenTeacup · 14/12/2018 20:37

It would be wonderful if I could find a school that was this supportive.

Although my child’s school have offered to help me train, I wouldn’t want it as my trainee school. It “requires improvement” and was named on that list that the newspapers reported on yesterday. The SLT are so focused on getting results that they didn’t even have time to plan nativities this year. The pressure shows and it has broken some amazing teachers.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/12/2018 20:48

Primary or secondary? I used to work in a very inflexible high school generally but even there, if you could find someone to cover any missed lessons, it was never an issue ( a.though head always agreed with gritted teeth!).

Hohocabbage · 14/12/2018 20:56

I’ve made most major events but through being part time. I have been granted time off for first day of primary and the p1 nativity. Most children at my dc’s school seem to have family at events - might be grandparents, though we couldn’t have that.

annie987 · 14/12/2018 22:40

I have made it to very few school events. My children are in year 7 and I think I made it to one nativity!
I always made sure a grandparent, honourary aunt or uncle or a distant someone was there to cheer them on. The kids were always happy with this.

Goldrill · 14/12/2018 23:38

I'm leaving after Christmas and one of the contributing factors is that I spend a lot less time with my kids than in previous job.
My school is pretty good and there is wriggle room for the big events, but it is the daily/weekly workload which causes problems. I have worked for most of every Sunday and at least three or four evenings a week since I started. If I want to see my kids I start work when they're in bed and finish at midnight - then up before 6 - and it is making me ill. And fed up. And my husband is very tolerant but also fed up.
I finished nqt last year and can't see it will improve if I stay. Recipe for a parent who doesn't know their kids.

echt · 15/12/2018 08:29

I managed never to miss my DD's school things. They all coincided with free periods, and I was given leave. Except one.

My then HT, who had banged on about the importance of facilitating teachers who were parents said no. I went to her and pointed out that she allowed a member of staff to leave on a free period everyFriday afternoon, while still being paid as FT teacher. She said the MOS was on a free. I pointed out that there was no such thing as a free lunch, because this arrangement meant if cover was needed the MOS could not pick up the slack and it would fall to someone else.

I got my time off.

The wackiest HT attitude I came across was towards teachers in the same school who were having their first child. The HT said only one of them could go to the first scan. Hmm FFS.

A colleague stopped up and took the lessons to cover it. And the HT's name was mud thereafter.

SilverApples · 15/12/2018 08:38

Never made a daytime event. OH used to go, and my parents were great cheerleaders and supporters.

MissMarplesKnitting · 15/12/2018 08:42

My HT allows us to go if we are free or we can apply for unpaid leave. I've covered colleagues before now so they can attend important things.

Holidayshopping · 15/12/2018 08:44

Never made a daytime event. OH used to go, and my parents were great cheerleaders and supporters

Snap. If I didn’t have a DH with flexible working and local retired and very involved parents-it would never have worked. I mean teaching as a career in general there, not just seeing performances.

Chosennone · 15/12/2018 08:48

I've never made a sports day bit there has always been a grandparent, their dad or stepdad there. I've made 70%of their assemblies. I was pt when they were infants so that was easier and as they got older I requested it.
Our HT is very flexible and I've also had time for choir recitals, award ceremonies and a mass my child had a role in. I do a lot if extra curricular though so I do think he shows he respects that.

Childrenofthesun · 15/12/2018 08:51

I work part-time bit still miss most things because I work Fridays and my DCs school always has assemblies, open classrooms etc on a Friday afternoon. My DC are pretty good about it but I felt so bad when my DD mentioned she was the only one who didn't have a parent there. I assumed there would be a few other working parents who wouldn't be able to make it.

I am also supremely grateful to their friends parents who will often buy one of their items at craft sales or sit with them at end of term barbecues etc.

Childrenofthesun · 15/12/2018 08:52

Should add, DH is also a teacher so can never go either! It does mean they get us both around in the holidays, which I try to explain to them.

DomesticAnarchist · 15/12/2018 08:58

It depends a lot on the attitudes & experiences of HT & SLT. I have been lucky that my HTs have felt great regret at missing out on these things with their own children, and (as long as you don't take the piss) will release us for nativities & sports days.

As PPs point out, missing the coffee mornings/open book days/parents literacy mornings is offset by being off every weekend and school holiday.

Good luck with the PGCE, OP. It's a fucker of a year, but teaching is brilliant mostly!

Plastictattoo · 15/12/2018 09:00

Our HT will happily give time off for events such as this. She knows she gets it back in spades when there are events before and after school at our place.
I honestly can't understand why all HTs don't think this way when staff wellbeing is such an issue in schools.

tomhazard · 15/12/2018 09:02

My headteacher allows staff to go to these, he's good about it.
Unfortunately my own Christmas show clashed with DDs this year which was a real shame but DH went and I've made it to everything else

RolyRocks · 15/12/2018 09:04

As a Secondary teacher, I do things like week long Year 11 Easter holiday revision classes that allow me to ask for an hour off, day for attending a nativity play. I accept my DH and I can’t make everything (he is a teacher too) but we do our hardest to do the big things. Next week, I’m also covering for a colleague so they can go to their nativity play. Favours like that enable you to have options.

Original poster
GreenTeacup · 15/12/2018 09:07

No supportive GP’s to help but DH works nights so we plan to tag team for my PGCE and NQT year at least.

I don’t intend on committing to any more than that at the moment and have decided that I will happily walk away (with a lot of debt) if it doesn’t feel right.

Thank you so much for your advice. I can see there is a huge difference between supportive HT and not.

My mum was a HT and said as she regretted not being there for us, she always tried to support staff requests. I wonder at what point she became so disengaged or if she always was. I suppose a part of me is worried that it was the job that did it and I will end up the same. Despite all this I still feel like I need to do it Confused bizarre!!

OP posts:
fruityb · 15/12/2018 09:13

It’s something that’s niggling me as my ds is two and I am a secondary school teacher. Will I be able to do this when he’s at school??

I’ve been teaching 11 years and so don’t work the hours outside of school I used to - I’ve got pretty good at juggling and have adopted the attitude of “it’ll have to wait” if it doesn’t get done! But I do wonder about all these things.

I’m hoping I’ll at least get the first one off if nothing else... but as we are currently headless at our school I await who is in charge when the time comes!

Knittink · 15/12/2018 09:17

I have been part time since having dc (now 10 and 13). Dh is also a teacher. I've made it to dc's events on my non-working times but have never asked to be given time off for others. Christmas and summer plays have always had one daytime and one evening showing, so I've always been able to attend those. Dc have never been that bothered about it when I couldn't attend other stuff tbh. Dh can never go to daytime things, and often not after school stuff either (he's SLT and has lots of late meetings etc).

Thespace · 15/12/2018 09:26

Depends on the school but when we had a new head he refused staff leave for this kind of thing.

It is hard. You like to think your child is fine but when I went to older dc’s school play when I was on maternity leave, the head said at the end, you can all go and see your mummies and daddies now. Two small children burst into tears as they had no one there. The head then gave a speech about everyone being one big family but it still upsets me to think about it now.