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Whether you're a permanent teacher, supply teacher or student teacher, you'll find others in the same situation on our Staffroom forum.

Original poster

What do teachers expect from their partners?

36 replies

StikkleBrix · 26/09/2018 13:44

Because frankly, I'm on the verge of walking out on my teacher. I don't want to, but he's impossible to live with.

I'm not allowed to be stressed, because he's a teacher and is therefore more stressed.

I'm useless at disciplining our children and should follow his lead,because he's a teacher and knows best.

I can't take a day's annual leave without being moaned at, because he's a teacher and doesn't get annual leave.

I can't possibly be tired, because he's a teacher and that's really tiring.

I can't watch tv in the evening without being moaned at, because he's a teacher and has to work in the evenings and doesn't have time for tv.

I'm in the doghouse if my train is delayed home from work, because that means he has to do more of the kids bedtime than usual and as a teacher, he's had a hard day and doesn't need that.

I have chronic insomnia, but he can't work out why, because I'm not a teacher and therefore have an easy life.

For context: we have both primary and pre school aged children, who he picks up and drops off at childcare/before school club. I work p/t in a job that is very specialist, I enjoy, but it doesn't pay as much as his. Does allow me to cover all child related illness, emergencies, school plays etc though. I have a fairly long commute two days a week. I do all household stuff, all cooking, cleaning and shopping.

I've had enough. Clearly he resents me for not being a teacher. I know his job is stressful, too stressful really. But that's not my fault. He's not a bad man (or at least I hope not) but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Teachers, what do you expect from your non-teaching partners? Do you resent them for being more able to live a "normal" life?

OP posts:
Original poster
StikkleBrix · 26/09/2018 13:45

I should point out, it's not always been like this. His job hadn't overtaken his life like this when we first met. We'd not have got married if he'd been like this then.

OP posts:
Baby1onboard11 · 26/09/2018 13:56

This is a hard one as I’ve been both sides. I was a full time secondary high school teacher and left due to stress and poor work life balance and am currently engaged to my teacher other half. Every day of term he works till roughly 8/9. It is horrible to watch but I know it’s worse for him experiencing it.

The biggest thing I’d expect is when it gets to the point of negatively impacting on the family, is for my partner to walk. I know that sounds harsh but I left teaching because it took over my life, so I wouldn’t allow that to happen again. It’d be me or the job.
The hardest part was leaving a well paid career and feeling trapped by financial obligations so I do understand his stress but he is very much taking it out on you ...

Have you suggested he look for alternative work? How does he react to this? I now supply teach and it is so much better for me. I have no weekend or evening work. It isn’t always regular hours and you do have to budget for holidays but it can be done if he really doesn’t want to leave. It sounds like teaching is effecting his health

Original poster
StikkleBrix · 26/09/2018 14:16

We have thought about looking for other work. Problem is, he's quite high up the pay scale, and other outside options would probably pay a fair bit less, which at the moment we couldn't cope with. My job has been pretty badly hit by cuts, so extra hours aren't an option right now. In a year or two when we have no childcare costs, a change could happen. But he likes the nuts and bolts of the job, the teaching, it's the other stuff that gets him down. I've suggested he go away alone for a weekend a few times a year to recharge, but he never does anything about it.

OP posts:
tomhazard · 26/09/2018 16:27

I'm a teacher and would never say all this to my non teaching DH. If I did he would feel Annoyed with me and I can see why you are feeling irritable with your DH.

How long has he been teaching and what age range? In my experience the longer you teach it get easier, as you have familiarity with resources and the way your school and lessons work.

Could you take on another day and him drop one in the near future? This could perhaps help him address his stress levels and feel less resentful of you, which he obviously does.

Tbh he sounds like he's being a dick- I would be reminding him that all professional jobs have a layer of stress and responsibility, and you are doing your best to support him by doing the housework and childcare.

parrotonmyshoulder · 26/09/2018 21:19

Some teachers are dicks.
Some dicks are not teachers.
Not all teachers are dicks.
He is being extremely unpleasant, by the sounds of it. Not because he is a teacher.

PotteringAlong · 26/09/2018 21:21

Me and DH are both teachers. What does your DH think we should do? Never do bedtime for our kids? Not leave work to look after them? Moan about how tired we are (ok, we do that one Grin)?

He needs to get a grip. It’s tough, yes. But it’s not brain surgery.

Holidayshopping · 26/09/2018 21:22

He’s a dick. That’s nothing to do with him being a teacher.

Verbena87 · 26/09/2018 21:25

I expect my partner not to mind that we have less money because I work 3 days a week so I’m not an angry zombie.

BeardedMum · 26/09/2018 21:28

Well...I am the only non-teacher in my family. Grand parents, parents and siblings all teachers. In my experience teachers think their jobs are harder than almost any other job.

Bobbysausages · 26/09/2018 21:28

I don't think it's an issue with him being a teacher, but him being a twat.

I'm a teacher and do as much around the house / with the kids as my husband who isn't.

jjemimapuddleduck · 26/09/2018 21:31

I'm married to a teacher. Occasionally, he can be a bit of a twat but not because he's a teacher. It can be really crap and very stressful but he gets 7w off with our kids in the summer which he loves!

Keeptrudging · 26/09/2018 21:46

I'm a teacher. I've worked full-time as a teacher for most of my DC's lives. It is a tiring job, but that's no excuse for your husband's ridiculous attitude and putting his job ahead of family and his relationship with you. He's being an absolute dick.

How it works in our house is that there are certain times in the teaching year where my DH does more than his fair share of cooking/running DC's about etc. These times include report writing, parent's nights, start of each term when I've got a heavy planning load. I don't expect it, he does it to help me. This is balanced out by me doing everything in the holidays, when he gets to feel like a 1950's man Grin.

At all other times, I work late a few nights a week, and other nights I don't stay late, but usually take some work home to do later on. Family comes first. No job is worth treating your family like shit for. Flowers

brainache78 · 26/09/2018 21:50

I'm a single parent full time
Teacher with extra responsibilities.

I would kill for a partner to take on any of my parenting duties or household duties or life admin.

I do it all myself. I'm knackered.

But I do it because that's life and we all have to manage our own shit.

He does not get to pull teacher rank over you on anything. He should pull his weight and stop moaning.

I agree. He's a dick.

BirdySomething · 26/09/2018 22:18

It’s a hard job with long hours, many of which are worked at home, which muddies the water a bit if there are other things to be done at home.

Most people who do long hours seem to do them in the workplace, which means they are not at home when their DP is doing all the work in the house. Teachers often feel pressurised to do the housework/bedtimes etc and then work for another few hours once DC are in bed.

A supportive and understanding DP is worth their weight in gold. Teaching is not the hardest job in the world but it has unique pressures i.e working a full day with the children then needing to do the same amount of hours again to keep up with all the admin, paperwork, planning, data analysis, assessment etc etc. Pressure is passed down from Ofsted to heads to SLT to teachers and then to the students, creating a very stressful environment for everyone. Teachers are often unable to switch off at home as they have to start over again once the chores are done!

However, if DP wants to watch TV while I work then that’s fine-he works hard too and needs to unwind. He usually brings me a hot drink during the ads though!

Being a teacher isn’t a free pass to being inconsiderate. Remind him that you are not one of his students who needs to stick to his rules!

KenDoddsDadsDog · 27/09/2018 06:57

I’ve had this my whole life - only person in generations of teachers to do something different. In particular my mother devalues everything I say.
And I work at home after leaving the office - again only teachers think they do that. Most jobs have auditable standards , not just Ofsted. Most people I know who are not teachers work at home and do all the chores, bedtimes etc.

MaisyPops · 27/09/2018 07:01

He's being inconsiderate because he's inconsiderate.

It has nothing to do with being a teacher, but I have a feeling this thread will probably turn into the usual 'teachers think their job is worse than anyonr else and nobody works hard' thread.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 27/09/2018 07:07

Other people work outside the office , other people have serious audits, other people have pressure too. Not only the domain of teachers. We still have to do chores and bedtimes IN the house and then work. But just get on with it rather than be precious.
The world of work has high expectations on everyone now - technology has collapsed the work life borders.
I’ve had this my whole life as the only non teacher in generations. My mother in particular is on a standard response which begins “But in teaching Ken....”
I’m not sure of the solution but he has to know how unhappy you are.

FruitCider · 27/09/2018 07:11

Most of my in laws are teachers. Whilst they don't get that CQC is as stressful, on the whole we are supportive of each other careers, and they certainly wouldn't belittle me for being tired. I think your DP is the issue, not the job!

QuacksInTheDark · 27/09/2018 07:12

You’re living with a total dickhead, he’s gaslighting the fuck out of you.

borntobequiet · 27/09/2018 07:14

Teaching can make individuals better people. On the other hand, it can turn them into petty tyrants.
I’d leave him to his petty tyranny.

RebeccaCloud9 · 27/09/2018 07:14

I'm a teacher. My DH is not. He works way longer hours than I do. His job is more stressful and far less rewarding (though it pays way way more). And no long hols.

MaybeDoctor · 27/09/2018 07:19

It’s not what he’s doing, it’s what he’s saying. I suspect that many female teachers just get on with it quietly because their spouses have the ‘important’ breadwinning job.

Teaching definitely had an impact on my relationship. It wasn’t that I talked about it all the time, it was just that I was unavailable for at least a day of each weekend. Even on the day that I kept free I would be too tired to do much.

You need to tell him to shut hell up about it or get out of teaching.

CusheyButterfield · 27/09/2018 07:19

I'm an ex-teacher married to a teacher. It's not the job that's the problem - it's him.

Yes, teaching is exhausting and all consuming at times but you don't get the monopoly on that just because you're a teacher!

If I was being sympathetic I'd suggest another job or at least trying a different school. But he doesn't get to be a grumpy twat every hour of the day just because he teaches.

MsAwesomeDragon · 27/09/2018 07:19

I'm a teacher. During term time DH does more around the house than I do, but I still do all childminder drop offs and pick ups (unless I have parents evening, in which case DH has to do pick up that day). I still do bedtime every day. I still do some of the cleaning, etc.

Of course DH is allowed to watch TV. Usually I'll watch with him, and mark in front of the TV (some yeargroups are easier than others to do this with). Of course DH is allowed to moan about his job/tiredness/insomnia, I generally sympathise and we laugh about the competitive tiredness thing. DH does a lot of the days off for a sick child, but that's because his work is flexible and he can do it from home, whereas I can't (and would never want to even if it was possible) bring year 9 into my living room to teach them quadratic equations. I will take the day off for sick child of he has an important meeting though, and obviously I cover the holidays.

Your DH sounds like an arse, and all the things he says and does can't be put down to him being a teacher. It's funny, but most of my female colleagues are teachers because it's "family friendly" (it's really not but we do have the flexibility to leave at the same time as the kids then work later in the evenings), and they do the lion's share of the housework/childcare because their husband's job is so much more important. My male colleagues (with a few exceptions) seem to think teaching is the most important job in the world and of course they can't do much housework/childcare because their wife's job can't possibly be as important as teaching. It's very odd.

SilverApples · 27/09/2018 07:38

He’s an arrogant, domineering arse, his job is just part of it.
He’d still be an arse, teacher or not.

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