What do teachers expect from their partners?

[StikkleBrix]

Because frankly, I'm on the verge of walking out on my teacher. I don't want to, but he's impossible to live with.

I'm not allowed to be stressed, because he's a teacher and is therefore more stressed.

I'm useless at disciplining our children and should follow his lead,because he's a teacher and knows best.

I can't take a day's annual leave without being moaned at, because he's a teacher and doesn't get annual leave.

I can't possibly be tired, because he's a teacher and that's really tiring.

I can't watch tv in the evening without being moaned at, because he's a teacher and has to work in the evenings and doesn't have time for tv.

I'm in the doghouse if my train is delayed home from work, because that means he has to do more of the kids bedtime than usual and as a teacher, he's had a hard day and doesn't need that.

I have chronic insomnia, but he can't work out why, because I'm not a teacher and therefore have an easy life.

For context: we have both primary and pre school aged children, who he picks up and drops off at childcare/before school club. I work p/t in a job that is very specialist, I enjoy, but it doesn't pay as much as his. Does allow me to cover all child related illness, emergencies, school plays etc though. I have a fairly long commute two days a week. I do all household stuff, all cooking, cleaning and shopping.

I've had enough. Clearly he resents me for not being a teacher. I know his job is stressful, too stressful really. But that's not my fault. He's not a bad man (or at least I hope not) but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Teachers, what do you expect from your non-teaching partners? Do you resent them for being more able to live a "normal" life?

The only thing I expect from my family as a teacher is tolerance over my random collecting of useful items and the occasional absence of items I’ve pinched to use in class as resources. For example, one day, it was every spoon in the house bar teaspoons.
Your OH is an egocentric pita using bullying and controlling behaviour to put himself centre stage, so you can marvel at his wonderfulness.

Im a teacher, and I don't treat my partner like this. Show him your post, let him see how he is making you feel. Communication is key, good or bad. Yes it's a stressful job, but it is a job at the end of the day. If it's affecting the rest of his life perhaps he needs to change schools or go part time? I work 3 days a week, going part time was the best decision I ever made.

I must point out occasionally my partner has to tell me off for talking to him like a naughty school boy normally when he hasn't done the washing up or leaves his grubby pants on the floor

This has nothing to do with him being a teacher. Agree with PPs. Many people (usually women) go into teaching as it is family friendly. That’s why I did a PGCE. DH benefits from me being there for the school holidays and all those kinds of things. He sounds like a grumpy arse!

So - what are you doing to do about it?

I'm with the others - I'm a teacher with a fair few extra responsibilities at the moment, and it is hard to switch off, but dh has an equally stressful job (OK, better paid).

If he's not always been like this, is he really suffering from some extra stress at work at the moment? Pressure from LEA to produce unrealistic results by next Tuesday? Bullying HT?

It can sneak up on you, all this teaching stuff. Maybe he doesn't realise what's happening? Maybe the time requirement on picking up/dropping off your children daily means he's not getting stuff done at school that he needs to do so he feels guilty and brings it home?

DM was head of her dept in secondary. DDad got to choose his own telly a lot. My other teacher relatives who teach in primary have a huge chip on their shoulders that they work harder/more than everyone else (we fell out when I pointed out I was studying for mandatory work exams and working 48-52 hours average as a junior doctor) they still claimed they worked more hours and more intensively. I wa s only pointing out that we were all knackered and suggesting we had a chilled day in rather than loads of activities!

The only thing I expect of my husband, due to being a teacher, is for him to get DD from school if she is sick.

I don’t bring work home.

I'm a full time secondary teacher and I lead a key stage in my subject as well so it's very full on. My husband works part time on a self employed basis.

I would never have the attitude your husband has! Despite my job, I still do DS bath/bedtime each night, practice his reading with him, take him to swimming lessons/his drama class, organise stuff for school e.g. this week was a harvest box, cool our dinner and do our shopping plus my nans. I also do my fair share of cleaning. DH does his fair share of all of the above plus takes DS to/from school (so we don't have to use wrap around - works for us).

Teaching is a job that can take up your whole life if you let it but you have to find a reasonable balance and accept that sometimes things just have to be good enough! Is he using his free periods in school wisely ?

I would suggest he needs to look at how he is working and see if he can make changes.

My DH does most things, cooking and cleaning, school runs, lunches, pets, DS hobbies so I can work. He also buys stuff I need for school, organises resources, helps at school if needed and even laminates stuff for me.

Difference is, I'm not an arsehole.

Agree with pp s you have an OH problem not a teacher problem. I'm a teacher (primary) and oh is in a totally un related industry's and works away a fair amount. Because of this I do the vast majority of house stuff and drop offs/pick ups (although he does some when he's around) what I expect is that when it's report writing time or similar he takes the kids out for a bit and tries not to work away when it's parents eve etc but other than that we just pitch in and make it work. How long has he been a teacher for? I'm in my 14th year, it's lots easier than it used to be and now although it is still my passion it is my job rather than my whole life whereas for my brother who is recently qualified he still seems to have it as his main focus iyswim

DH is a teacher & when he was HoD the stress got to him & he was unpleasant to live with. He brought his worries home & took it out on our kids.
I told him if he was that unhappy to quit his job. He (eventually) did. He took a huge paycut & was a TA for a bit before finding a school that he loved & had a better work culture. He is a different man (& a far better teacher!) because he found a school where he felt a valued member of staff. Yes he still has marking, planning & reports of an evening but he does also contribute & participate in family life.
Definitely sounds like you & your DH need a frank conversation & he needs a mirror held up to his obnoxious behaviour. If he's not prepared to do something about it then maybe you need to point out what the alternative would be.