Hi, I just wanted somewhere to express my emotions about the loss of my darling boy yesterday. He had been unwell for a couple of months with gastro issues. At the advice of the vets he was on steroids briefly but they made him agitated so we discontinued. His symptoms and bloodwork pointed to potential cancer but the vet didn't push us to have scans or invasive biopsies because of his recent frailty and age (13). we had already decided on palliative care only if cancer. Over this last weekend he deteriorated and was vomiting blood frequently. He was trying to be his old self but was not able to groom, too tired to go downstairs to the litter tray so would toilet upstairs in corners. He wanted affection and cuddles but also hid away by himself. His weight loss was constant even though he was still eating and drinking.
Yesterday morning we called the vet and made an appointment for two hours later for potential euthanasia. In discussion with the vet and the examination she said she could now feel a mass on his abdomen which wasn't obvious before in previous vet visits. This made it easier to make the decision. I know it was the right decision but I'm feeling a bit haunted by the process.
He was calm during the examination and a bit restless, jumping down from the table a couple of times. My DH held him for a bit. Then the vet went to prepare the injection. I'd read that he would be given a sedative for drowsiness first but he didn't get one. So when the nurse held him still and the vet gave the injection, he struggled against the needle and was a bit confused/stressed for a moment until it kicked in. He caught my eye for a second and it felt like he was asking me why I was letting them hurt him. I know it was a normal reaction for him but I feel so guilty his last moments might have been stressful and sad.
He went floppy and prone very quickly but his eyes remained open during and after it was over. He was laid on the table still breathing and I was saying goodbye and telling him I loved him but obviously I know he couldn't hear me. The vet monitored his heartbeat until it was gone. Then we had a couple of minutes alone with him where we both sobbed. He just looked so empty there, lifeless with open misty eyes. In the moment it felt like I killed him, I watched him die and did nothing and then he was just gone. When the vet came in I said I felt guilty and she just said 'why?' so I felt silly. I've spoken to DH about it and he says I'm not being silly but it's all ok and it was the best thing but I just can't shake the image of my boy there on the table. Turning away and just leaving him there. He's being individually cremated at our request and the ashes returned to us.
I've seen pics and videos where people's pets just look like they were sleeping but this wasn't like that. I should have thought about it beforehand or asked what was normal I guess. I'm jealous of people whose pet had a sedative or if they were laying down purring then basically asleep, especially if it was a home vet visit (we tried to get one but the vet was short staffed so no one available to come out this week at all).
Sorry if this is a jumble, just trying to place my thoughts somewhere. I've never had to do this before and I feel guilty it wasn't better for us or him.