Upset by euthanasia experience

[kittyloss]

Hi, I just wanted somewhere to express my emotions about the loss of my darling boy yesterday. He had been unwell for a couple of months with gastro issues. At the advice of the vets he was on steroids briefly but they made him agitated so we discontinued. His symptoms and bloodwork pointed to potential cancer but the vet didn't push us to have scans or invasive biopsies because of his recent frailty and age (13). we had already decided on palliative care only if cancer. Over this last weekend he deteriorated and was vomiting blood frequently. He was trying to be his old self but was not able to groom, too tired to go downstairs to the litter tray so would toilet upstairs in corners. He wanted affection and cuddles but also hid away by himself. His weight loss was constant even though he was still eating and drinking.

Yesterday morning we called the vet and made an appointment for two hours later for potential euthanasia. In discussion with the vet and the examination she said she could now feel a mass on his abdomen which wasn't obvious before in previous vet visits. This made it easier to make the decision. I know it was the right decision but I'm feeling a bit haunted by the process.

He was calm during the examination and a bit restless, jumping down from the table a couple of times. My DH held him for a bit. Then the vet went to prepare the injection. I'd read that he would be given a sedative for drowsiness first but he didn't get one. So when the nurse held him still and the vet gave the injection, he struggled against the needle and was a bit confused/stressed for a moment until it kicked in. He caught my eye for a second and it felt like he was asking me why I was letting them hurt him. I know it was a normal reaction for him but I feel so guilty his last moments might have been stressful and sad.

He went floppy and prone very quickly but his eyes remained open during and after it was over. He was laid on the table still breathing and I was saying goodbye and telling him I loved him but obviously I know he couldn't hear me. The vet monitored his heartbeat until it was gone. Then we had a couple of minutes alone with him where we both sobbed. He just looked so empty there, lifeless with open misty eyes. In the moment it felt like I killed him, I watched him die and did nothing and then he was just gone. When the vet came in I said I felt guilty and she just said 'why?' so I felt silly. I've spoken to DH about it and he says I'm not being silly but it's all ok and it was the best thing but I just can't shake the image of my boy there on the table. Turning away and just leaving him there. He's being individually cremated at our request and the ashes returned to us.

I've seen pics and videos where people's pets just look like they were sleeping but this wasn't like that. I should have thought about it beforehand or asked what was normal I guess. I'm jealous of people whose pet had a sedative or if they were laying down purring then basically asleep, especially if it was a home vet visit (we tried to get one but the vet was short staffed so no one available to come out this week at all).

Sorry if this is a jumble, just trying to place my thoughts somewhere. I've never had to do this before and I feel guilty it wasn't better for us or him.

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I feel for you. X

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You absolutely did the right thing. If only we could do it for everyone we loved.

I had the exact same experience as you except for me it was comforting to see that the essence of him was gone and just the body was left behind. He was sick and he was tired and it was the kindest thing we could do for him was to allow him to go. No matter how hard it was for us.

You were there for him, for his final moments and he saw that you were there for him. You made the hardest decision because it was the right thing for him, the kindest thing. He knew he was loved right up until he left. Big hugs to you OP, they leave such a massive hole, make sure you take time to grieve.

I'm so sorry you had that experience and lost your boy.

It sounds very upsetting and stressful for you, and even if it was "normal" and nothing went wrong it was still a hard way for you to see him go.

You did your very best by him though. His suffering is over and that's because you made the right decision and put him first, and you stayed with him to the very end.

Whatever happened in those last minutes is nothing compared to all the love and care he had in the rest of his life and eventually it's those good memories that will stay.

I felt the same when my cat was put to sleep. He yelped when the needle went in and it broke me. I was haunted for a while but the memories do fade in time. Yours will too and you will remember the good times. We wanted to Bury our cat and the vet tried to hand me the cat carrier with the body in and I just couldn't do it. It didn't feel right taking a live cat in and taking a dead one home . I had to send DH the next day.
I think what you are feeling is v normal and to be expected. It is so hard to lose a loved pet and I am v sorry for your loss

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is always hard , and guilt inducing.

But keep reminding yourself of the last part of your first paragraph, where you are describing a confused and sick cat in pain, who is clearly suffering to the extent that they are trying to hide themselves away from the people they love. You could have tried to keep him alive for a few more days, but you did the caring, loving, responsible thing and made the decision to end his suffering. He probably struggled because he picked up a bit on your anxiety as they do, but it was momentary, and his death was gentle and peaceful. It is hard to see them when their life force has gone, they have so much personality in their small bodies! But it is also a huge relief to know they are no longer suffering, anxious, confused and frightened about an illness that they don’t understand.

Light a candle for your boy - you can do that safely now he won’t come too close and singe his whiskers - and spend time remembering his glory days.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had to have put down a couple of dogs and also a cat. I don't recall any of them having a sedative, not even the young dog who was fighting the vet and trying to bite him while being euthanised. I think with that dog I did ask about a sedative but the vet said something like an injection is an injection???? I got the impression that no matter what the injection is - sedative or the pts injection it will be equally traumatising (or not depending on the animal). So kind of wouldn't make a difference? I don't know how true that is.

I do think though you did the best thing for your cat and he isn't suffering anymore. I also think you are (understandably) reading too much into how he looked at you and attributing thoughts to him which weren't there. He wouldn't have known what was coming. Yes he would have known he was having an injection but he will have had injections before, he would assume it's the same as previous vaccinations. Then he would just have felt tired and in his mind fallen asleep quickly. That's what I like to believe anyway.

I hope you can find some peace, it's really the worst thing ever.

I really feel for you, I had a traumatic PTS experience with my old cat too and it took ages before I could even look at pictures of her again. I still haven't told my DH about it because I don't think I can speak about it. But I know it was still the right thing, she was dying in pain anyway and this just ended her suffering. It hurts because you loved him so much. But it will get better in time

Hi , i'm a vet nurse , i'm sorry for your loss and the upset you feel .
Please don't feel guilty ,what you have done is the kindest thing we can do for a defenceless animal when they reach the end of their life a blessed choice that we have, no animal ever has to suffer because of this .
I have been present at countless euthanasia's and i truly believe that no pain is felt , the drug we use is an anaesthetic type drug that is very potent and quick acting, sadly some animals will slightly feel the needle ,similar to us having an injection or blood test ,along side being restrained however lightly by the nurse and perhaps a little fear or confusion some poor little souls will struggle and cry which i know is very distressing for the owner too.
sometimes a vet will sedate before the final injection but there is still an injection involved which again they may feel.
Usually within seconds of the drug entering the system the pet is unaware and then quickly passes , i'm sorry you didn't know this but animals eyes remain open always.
Even though the vet and nurse i'm sure did their very best with compassion in their hearts for your cat we cannot ever be 100% that things will go as smoothly as we hope and pray.
I know it is very raw for you now but I hope in time you think of your beloved friend with a smile and many happy memories.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a bad experience also with my girl. They gave her benzos but had to double the dose. He then kept missing with the barbiturate shot. He was sweating and the cat was crying and really scared. He finally managed to go into her neck which was horrible. Then when I asked them if we could close her eyes after she'd passed, the vet said 'no, they go to heaven with their eyes open',?!
We didn't use that vet again.

I have been there, and although it sounds trite it genuinely does get better with time. It is a traumatic process even when it goes as expected, and when it appears to be more traumatic for the animal this is worse.

Over time your focus on the event itself will
lessen and the fact that you relieved your beloved cat from pain, and the good memories will push through.

So sorry for your loss, it’s awful going through this and nothing really prepares you. My dog was similar and it haunted me for a long time and I felt guilty for a long time but it was the right thing to do (the kind thing to do). I lost my cat a few months ago, I wasn’t able to say goodbye, he was still under from a abdominal scan so they kept him under whilst they put him to sleep, he had a mass on his heart and was 13 years old. I’m kind of pleased I wasn’t there after my experience with my dog.

I’m so sorry for your loss . Sadly euthanasia isn’t pleasant. We had to put our dog down last year and it was the worse experience for us. They didn’t give him sedation and he fought the anaesthetic. His eyes didn’t automatically close either and to make it worse after his passed his stomach was shaking and he was panting and he pooed . Took me months to get over the guilt but to me he’s in a better place and you will eventually feel the same.

I had the same experience a month ago. The took him away to put a cannula in but brought him back for the injection. I held him & he struggled as it went in. It was horrible & I haven't told the rest of the family. I do know we did the right thing though, I just wish he hadn't struggled in that moment.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that it wasn’t as peaceful as hoped. The vet asking why you felt guilty seems callous. It’s a very common emotion after (and before) euthanasia.

My vet takes the animal out the back to site a cannula and administers a sedative. Then brings the pet back to the owners to be cuddled for the final injection. I would prefer to stay with them the whole time but it does seem very peaceful. I had last second doubts about euthanising my dog after the sedative but before the injection, and my vet kindly and sensitively reassured me. I’m really sorry you and your lovely cat didn’t have the best experience.

Sorry to read this. I had my 16 year old girl pts a few days ago and it's still very raw. Happy if you want to pm me to have a quick cat chat.

Our experience wasn't as yours but was traumatic for other reasons. I have experienced very different things at the point of having dogs and cats PTS so it's never predictable.

Hope you are ok.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking to lose a pet but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Knowing when to say goodbye is one of the most loving and selfless decisions you can make. You’ve put your darling boy’s wellbeing above your own happiness.

From what you’ve written, I would 100% make the same decision. It was his time and cats are very intuitive. Your little boy knew you were doing what was best for him and knew how much you loved him.

Bless your heart. I am so sorry for your loss. My beloved dog Jasper went with his eyes open too. It pierced my soul.

Please know that you did the right thing. Yes, he had that initial moment of discomfort but he would not have known it as receiving a punishment from you. He trusted you to do the right thing when it mattered most, and you did. You did not betray his trust, nor did you let him down.

It is a wretched thing to decide, worse to endure, and then your mind starts to prick at you once it is over. It's not fair. It's not fair that their lives are so short, compared to our own. But that last grim decision is an act of love. You fed him when he was hungry, soothed him when he was sad, sheltered him when he was cold. And when his pain became too much to endure, you loved him so much that you helped him out of it, in the only way you could.

Please also know that his absolute last, last moments of life will have been ones of peace, pain free, and comfort. It is the last loving gift you could have given him, even though it broke your heart.

I've had to make the decision for four dogs in my life. I also used to work at an emergency vets and have held and comforted more pets and owners in those moments than I can count. It never got any easier; each one was an act of love, kindness and compassion, but a tragedy nonetheless. Vets and Vet Nurses are in the business of making animals better - it's a sorrow for them too, when the only thing that will make things better is this. It was also my experience - without exception - that the pet then at peace continued to be treated with respect and dignity once the owners had gone.

It's nice that you are having a private cremation and his remains back. I did that with my dogs. I have not been able to scatter them, I am not mawkish but just prefer to have them somewhere close by. Perhaps you could plant a rosebush or sow some forget-me-not seeds to remember him by?

I know you feel awful at the moment, like someone has ripped out your insides and is now slowly stamping on them in front of your eyes, probably. But you did the right thing. You spoke up for him because he had not the voice nor the strength to do it for himself. You did not let him down when he needed you the most. Bless you for doing the hardest, most awful, but most loving thing that you could have done for him in his time of desperate need.

I'm sure he had a wonderful life with you, and all the happy times you gave him.

I hope that at least some small part of what I have written is helpful. Sending love. I'm so sorry that you've lost your friend. 💐x

It is distressing for the owners. I think the animals have a couple of seconds of weird sensations, and then it's peaceful.

Try not to feel guilty. If you've seen someone or something die slow, in pain, you know euthenasia is a mercy and a kindness.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Guilt is an absolutely natural part of grief. It's a measure of what a wonderful owner you were. Time helps. Sadly I know because I've been through it many times. X

Oh OP, I am so sorry. We had our girl pts in April and she yelped the vet injected her. I don’t know what happened but the vet then actually did take her out and sedate her before bringing her back and us finally saying goodbye. It was awful but she had intestinal lymphoma and while we could have tried chemo and steroids the prognosis was very poor (treating to prolong her life rather than cure her) and I know we did the right thing by her. She slipped away with the people who loved her after a day of eating her favourite food and lying in the garden - no more pain. I hope when my time comes I can say the same. We miss her so much.

We have her ashes in an urn on the hearth with a framed photo of her, so she keeps an eye on the orange menace we now have. I got the vet to take paw prints and had one tattooed a few weeks later so she is always with me.

Take care of yourself, it is horrible but you did the last good thing for or lovely cat.

I'm so sorry you had such a sad experience, the loss of a pet is heartbreaking. Can I suggest you ask for a trigger warning as the details are graphic and it was too distressing for me to read any further.

Oh gosh that sounds so awful for you and your little cat, I hope you have found peace now, and agree: never use that vet again 💐

So sorry for your loss and your pain, it sounds so sad, I hope telling your story and reading the responses help you 💐

@Pudmyboy oh, thank you, that's so kind. 💐
I have another two lovely healthy boys now, five and seven. Have to take the little one to the vets tomorrow for some hardcore flea treatment. 🙄

But yeah, I use another vets now who've been great. Very expensive though as part of a big chain.
I wanted to try and use independent but there are none of those around now. Except that horrible one I'm boycotting.

Thank you, my DH said the same re: the essence of him being gone. Like he was empty, but in a good way. I am starting to feel that a little more now.