Will they ever be friends or is tolerance as good as it gets? Anything I can do?

[ElliesNextNameChange]

I had two older cats who were a bonded pair. After one died, I rescued a young adult. Not sure of exact ages, but safe to say resident cat is a senior though fit and healthy, and new one is a young adult. Maybe I should have gone for another senior, but this one needed a home, and its done now. I did a gradual intro with scent swapping. There was some hissing and growling the first time they saw each other. Now they're...okay. They can be in the same room and will sleep in each other's presence, as long as the younger one doesn't get rambuntious/in the older cat's face. If she does, the older cat hisses and swats. Youngrer cat doesn't retaliate. This makes me a bit sad because older cat was never a hissy cat before.

They can both live here - I have space, and they can have seperate exits and entrances. If I feed them treats close to each other, they both eat the treats and don't try and fight each other or anything. I don't need to leave them alone together, there's space for them to be seperate while I'm out and for the younger one to have her one entrance/exit. But it seems a bit - sad? Am I projecting too much human emotion here? Is there any hope they can actually be friends? Its been a few weeks now and they seem to be stuck at resident cat's attitude being "fine she can live here, just keep her out of my face". She's still eating, sleeping, and toileting normally so she's not unduly stressed or anything and I make sure she has her protected alone time/sleep time, which she likes and needs.

I'm having the exact same issue. We are two months in and it's going very slowly. I separate them at night to let existing cat decompress. But can't think of anything else to try.

I can't help thinking I've ruined the older one's life. She's only her self when he's shut away for the night. They are going to the cattery this week. And I think it will be make or break for them. If it's break then I think new cat will have to go back to the rescue. Which would break my heart.

We got our kitten in November and he and my 5 year old girl cat still fight. I feel bad for my elder one. Her life has totally changed.

@Toddlerteaplease oh I'm sorry to hear that! Its not so bad with my two that I'd think of rehoming. I dont think the senior girl's life has been ruined or anything. But its not the bond I hoped for.

You are projecting, sorry! If they can be in the same room together and eat near each other then that’s good. I’ve done this in the past, hoping that they would become best friends and cuddle up together, and it’s never happened. Tolerating each other in the same space is excellent (I’ve had cats where even this wasn’t possible).

If it’s any consolation, my sibling pair rarely snuggle up together any more. They will groom each other briefly, and then one of them slaps the other!

I have also wondered if my original cat would have been happier alone - we’ll never know! Your senior cat has probably forgotten that things were ever different. He doesn’t like his space being invaded, that’s fair enough. It’s easy to attribute human emotions to them, but I bet all he is thinking of is eating and sleeping, not pining for his former solitary existence.

What is important is that you have given the new cat a good home. As long as they are both behaving normally, and not exhibiting signs of stress, I wouldn’t worry.

Mine (both rescues) tolerate each other. That's as good as I've managed in 3 years. Sorry !

Toleration is all I want. I want Penelope to go downstairs again!

Fair enough! I guess my expectations were unrealistic. Yes, they can be in the same room, even sleep in each other's presence. I just fed them together this morning, and then I looked out and they were both sitting on the deck without aggro. The main reason I wouldn't leave them alone together is it doesn't seem fair on the older one because the younger one can get too hyper. Perhaps thats as good as it gets for this pair.

It’s easy to attribute human emotions to them, but I bet all he is thinking of is eating and sleeping, not pining for his former solitary existence.

This is good advice.

Its the hissing I don't like. I suppose at the end of the day though that's just cat language for back off and give me space.

We have this with our boys. After 4 years, if our older boy is feeling like playing there may be a few minutes of playing. I completely screwed up the introductions due to being overexcited but they rub along ok now. Our old boy isn’t his old self anymore and for a year after we got the younger one I beat myself up. But we make time for each one to be their special own self and it works and every is happy.

Try not to worry. They will find their place in the new order over time.

I also screed up introductions!

My older cat has started making almost barking noises at the younger one. It's horrible.

The behaviour you describe sounds like totally normal, healthy cat communication to me.

I don't think it's realistic to keep multiple animals in a house and expect them to be best friends 24/7. They're bound to have disagreements and to get fed up with each other occasionally!

Hissing isn't necessarily aggression either, in fact it's more commonly routed in fear or anxiety. It's why cats often hiss at strangers or at the vet. It's also nothing to worry about on its' own, especially as you say it's not leading to fights.

We have three unrelated cats and while they get on fine 90% of the time, they do have spats and will hiss or bap each other.

You don't get on with your family 100% of the time so why expect your cats to be any different?

@ricecrispiecakes That's very true about the hissing. I think it is anxiety based, because she's not an aggressive cat, but the meaning is "back off, give me space". I think I've been spoiled by having two that were bonded before, but they grew up together so I suppose its different. Anyway its actually been not bad at all today. A little hissing, but also they've been around each other a fair bit without any real nastiness. It does need more 'active management' from me to keep it this way but thankfully I WFH most of the time.

@ElliesNextNameChange one of mine can be bit grumpy/hissy/swatty - but the others never retaliate and just seem to roll their eyes and ignore him 😂

They all go outside and have plenty of space to escape each other so I generally just let them get on with it. The only time it ever turned into an actual fight was when they were indoor cats and the youngest reached maturity - as soon as we started letting them out, it calmed right down again and we've not had any issues since 🤞

A few weeks isn't much. I did the same as you around 18 months ago - bonded pair about 8 years old, Boycat got CKD & had to be PTS. I work in the office near enough full time & cats are indoor cats, so couldn't really leave Girlcat alone in the house all day every day so found her a toyboy.

As I said, nearly 18 months now. Took them a good time to stop being very cagey around each other with a bit of swiping & hissing, then they learned to "rub along" together. Recently (last 2-3 months) they've taken to head bopping when they meet & Tobias will groom Girlcat's face & neck sometimes.

Then today, I just went up to my room to see them lying back to back on my bed with their backs actually touching. They have their own bedroom that has a double bed, and igloo and a donut bed on it so they weren't sharing because it was the only comfortable spot either, it was definitely by choice 😀

That's good to hear. Senior cat jumped stepped over new cat to get inside today so she can't be terrified of her - it wasn't raining or anything, she just wanted to come in. The hissing has occured when new cat has 'run up' - wanting to instigate play, but her play style is rough - at which time resident cat went into a defensive posture and hissed. To be fair to new cat, she did then stop and back off, and they continued on. So I suppose that's a succesful cat communication, something like : play chase! No, get lost! Okay. Better than a fight breaking out.

That sounds really positive to me.

Older cat set her boundaries and younger cat listened - that's good!

More of the same today. Senior girl will hiss/growl if junior gets too rambunctious too close, but they've also spent plenty of time in quite close proximity with no issues. To be fair to junior cat, unless she's completely hyper, she will take the correction and go further away. We're all in the garden now. More importantly senior girl seems a lot happier and more confident today, eg she jumped up on a table that junior was already on, so clearly not too bothered by her presence. I'm on annual leave this week and next so I'm keeping an eye on them, and if the little one starts looking stalky or pouncey I distract with a toy (she is very distractable). Its hard not to be upset when I hear senior girl make unhappy or reprimanding sounds, but to keep it in perspective, little one is still quite new and they are spending a good amount of time peacefully in the same space, so I suppose that's not bad really.

Senior girl is just doing what mother cats do with kittens, reprimanding junior girl if she gets a bit out of line. Sounds like she's decided that as the senior, and incumbent, it's her duty to teach the little one the correct behaviours in her house.

@Allergictoironing New girl is quite kittenish still. She is an adult (actually she's had a kitten, at the shelter) but she can't be much more than 1. She's incredibly lanky, like a slinky, and her behaviour is quite kittenish. Sometimes when senior girl reprimands her, she will roll on her back and show her belly to defer and show she's only playing.

My cats tolerate each other. They will eat next to each other, they will sleep in the same room, there’s hardly any hissing. Every evening they chase each other about for 20 mins but I’m not sure if they’re playing or fighting, maybe a bit of both. There’s often a bit of squealing and someone gets their ears boxed but neither seem upset over it and I think secretly they both like it. Sometimes one will look at the other the wrong any and all hell breaks loose like a boxing match.

Try not to think of it as senior girl being unhappy - it's just how cats communicate.

Hissing, growling, tail/ear positions etc. are all forms of communication - some sound and look horribly aggressive to our eyes but they're just ways of saying "leave me alone" or "please stop doing at".

Kitten will learn and hopefully develop some great social skills of her own. We've introduced two kittens to older cats over the years and both are now adults with excellent manners.

@ricecrispiecakes That's very true. If she was that bothered about her, she wouldn't share space with her. She's just exercising her rights as senior cat. I've been careful to maintain her priviliges (she is in my bedroom at night and newbie gets her own room) so she doesn't feel slighted.

Here are some pictures of newbie being long and cute. I know she's a skinny thing but she actually eats like a horse, I don't know where she puts it all. The shaved patch is from her spay a while ago.

Also this is a side note, but I really think their relationship improved since I started senior girl on YuMove. She's still very active, but apparently even after the age of 6 a lot of cats have a touch of athritis, and she did break her leg when she was younger. She's moving more fluidly and faster now.

She's gorgeous!

Our oldest is arthritic too (he's eight) and he's on regular medication which makes such a difference.

It sounds like they're just fine, honestly!