How do you cope with grief?

[NotHooray]

This is likely to be rambling but I'm struggling so much and wanted to just get it down into words.

Our wonderful boy had to be put to sleep last Thursday after another unexpected internal bleeding. The whole situation was awful (having to drive him an hour in the car to referral vet when he was so very poorly, no support to do 'the right thing' at my local vet, husband wasn't able to make it to say goodbye etc etc) and he was my little shadow so I expected to feel grief and sadness but oh my god its just hitting me repeatedly. I cannot stop crying and it feels like it physically hurts? How on earth do you deal with this grief?
On top of it all I almost feel like I don't have a right to be as heartbroken as I feel because it wasn't a human?

Picture attached of my sweet boy.

[Athena51]

I lost my beautiful boy a month ago and I am still crying randomly and absolutely heartbroken. Don't feel guilty, they are a member of the family and you mourn them as such.

We still have our younger boy and he is a great comfort but the cat we lost was very much "my cat" he was devoted to me and I miss his constant presence and probably always will.

My comfort is that I gave him the very best life a cat could have and lots of love but it's very hard. So, no real answers for you but sympathy for your loss and understanding of it.

Your boy was very lovely (my boy was a tuxedo cat as well)

[SeagullSong]

Condolences on the loss of your beautiful boy. He was a loved family member so please let yourself grieve all you need to. I do understand what you mean, in that when I lost a pet my closest friends had both recently been bereaved of human family members so I felt I could not turn to them. Otherwise, most people are sympathetic and may surprise you. The Litter Tray community here is very supportive too.

[Scampuss]

So sorry

It's quite a shock I think when we realise how very close to our hearts they are.

Blue Cross have a pet loss helpline which might be useful:
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

It doesn't work for everyone but, for me, getting another cat from rescue has helped me re-focus after losing beloved cats. I only ever have singletons so the emptiness is hard.

[Toddlerteaplease]

I lost my girl very unexpectedly on Sunday. It's absolutely horrendous. My previous two losses were expected. This one was not. And I'm absolutely blindsided. The best way I found before was to get another cat. Not as a replacement, but to help fill the gap. I firmly believed that my late cat sent the new one. But this time I'm so shocked. I am worried about rushing into it. Hand hold OP. I know precisely how you feel.

[chatenoire]

@Scampuss

So sorry

It's quite a shock I think when we realise how very close to our hearts they are.

Blue Cross have a pet loss helpline which might be useful:
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

It doesn't work for everyone but, for me, getting another cat from rescue has helped me re-focus after losing beloved cats. I only ever have singletons so the emptiness is hard.

Just came to mention Blue Cross.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I still miss my Katzie, she was with me for 15 years, and sadly lost her almost 10 years ago. I swear I can still sometimes feel her.

You will get there I promise.

[Toddlerteaplease]

My girl went from, she's got back pain, we'll give her some strong pain relief and do some x rays. To she's started fitting and is extremely poorly. I was going to take her to a wonderful referral hospital an hour away. But took one look at her and realised she was too poorly to be driven.

[Toddlerteaplease]

I promise that it does get better. You will remember them and smile instead of crying. And you will stop going over their last days repeatedly. (Thats what I'm telling myself anyway.)

[Toddlerteaplease]

The support from the Litter tray has been incredible.

[Toddlerteaplease]

Sorry for the multiple posts. But I also found the (lovely vets) neutral stance slightly tricky. I was having to ask if it was fixable. Although when I said it was easier with the other two. I just knew. She said "I think she told you as soon as you came into the room" which helped. And when I asked if PTS was the right decision. She said it was.

[Pudmyboy]

So sorry for your loss @NotHooray , I lost my little love in January and still feel his loss dreadfully, especially at night when we snuggled up on the sofa. I did say to people that I loved him so much, but that hurt, and didn't feel right, but once I started saying that I still love him and always will, in a strange way it helped, so for me acknowledging the whole hearted love I will always feel, helped. Big unMumsnetty hug, take it day by day and let yourself grieve, he was a very special cat 💐

[CatChant]

Don’t feel guilty. Your cat loved you and you loved him. Of course you are grieving. As the late queen said: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

When my once in a lifetime cat, the one who always ran to me and who slept in the crook of my arm every night, who purred like a motorbike and chirped when she was happy, was put to sleep, I was practically sick with crying. I still miss her and she has been dead for almost twenty years.

But, as I’ve said of her before, she was worth every tear. Time is a healer. So are your memories and so is the knowledge that you gave your cat a happy life.

And when you feel you can, it helps to take in another cat. Not as a replacement, because you can’t replace them. They are all individuals. But to fill the cat-shaped hole and because too many cats are in need of homes. All my cats, both before and after my dear girl, have been, and are, a delight.

Be kind to yourself.

[Athena51]

@CatChant I have had cats all my life and loved them all but I called my boy my "once in a lifetime" cat too. We were inseparable for 13 years and I thought we'd have more years together. He was taken so fast and I think it will always hurt.

[NotHooray]

I am so grateful for everyone's lovely replies. So many things resonate and although it's sad that so many of us have been through this it is comforting to hear from others who understand the raw grief that comes with the loss of a cat.

I love the quote that someone mentioned 'grief is the price we pay for love'. That really resonates. We had 7 amazing years with Lennie, and he never knew anything but utter love and care from us and he gave it back in spades. He was gentle with everyone including my two young children. He slept on my pillow every night with me.

I tried to get some work done today at my desk and it felt so wrong without him flopping on my keyboard or chasing my pen as I wrote in my notebook. I'm sat in the armchair in our bedroom now and my lap feels so very empty. His poor sister is clearly feeling the loss too - she hasn't seemed herself since he passed.

Attached is the first picture I took of them when we adopted them at 14 months old. 5 house moves later (thanks military) and 2 children later they've both been such a constant.

[NotHooray]

And one of my favourites ❤️

[NotHooray]

@Pudmyboy

So sorry for your loss @NotHooray , I lost my little love in January and still feel his loss dreadfully, especially at night when we snuggled up on the sofa. I did say to people that I loved him so much, but that hurt, and didn't feel right, but once I started saying that I still love him and always will, in a strange way it helped, so for me acknowledging the whole hearted love I will always feel, helped. Big unMumsnetty hug, take it day by day and let yourself grieve, he was a very special cat 💐

That's very true - I still love him so much and that'll always be there and it definitely feels right to acknowledge that that love hasn't gone away. I am so sorry for your loss - your love for your cat shines so clearly through your lovely words x

[NotHooray]

@Toddlerteaplease

Sorry for the multiple posts. But I also found the (lovely vets) neutral stance slightly tricky. I was having to ask if it was fixable. Although when I said it was easier with the other two. I just knew. She said "I think she told you as soon as you came into the room" which helped. And when I asked if PTS was the right decision. She said it was.

Oh Toddler I am so sorry for the loss of your majestic Cheddar. What a beauty. I know how special exotics are - where we lived a few house moves ago one of our neighbours had a ginger exotic who was just such a gorgeous little character and the celeb of the neighbourhood.

That sounds good of your vets to validate how you felt re PTS. When we are in that moment it helps monumentally to have someone back you up and reiterate that you are doing the best you can for your cat. If our local vets had done that it wouldn't have been so traumatic but they refused, despite me telling them that the referral vets couldn't help him as he couldn't have another transfusion. Nobody would listen as I suppose I wasn't the expert in the room. It would have saved the intense guilt I feel now from putting him through a 1hr journey whilst he was hemorrhaging in the seat next to me. 😞

[susiedaisy1912]

Op I'm so sorry you've lost your beautiful boy. I lost my ginger boy 2 years ago suddenly at 8 years old. He just dropped dead in front of me with a heart attack. I was beside myself and tried to give him cpr. The neighbours came out to help after they heard me wailing. It was so traumatic I couldn't go to work for a week. But as time passed I can now look back at the memories we had with him with fondness. We loved him so much and he had the best life a cat could have. 6 months after he passed we got two kittens and at first I felt guilty for loving them and enjoying their company as it felt disloyal to my ginger boy but as they say time is a great healer. Allow yourself time to grieve and don't feel guilty grieving because it was 'only ' a cat. They are family through and through.

[NotHooray]

@chatenoire

Just came to mention Blue Cross.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I still miss my Katzie, she was with me for 15 years, and sadly lost her almost 10 years ago. I swear I can still sometimes feel her.

You will get there I promise.

Sorry for your loss of your little Katzie - what a fab name x

[NotHooray]

@SeagullSong

Condolences on the loss of your beautiful boy. He was a loved family member so please let yourself grieve all you need to. I do understand what you mean, in that when I lost a pet my closest friends had both recently been bereaved of human family members so I felt I could not turn to them. Otherwise, most people are sympathetic and may surprise you. The Litter Tray community here is very supportive too.

Thanks so much - everyone on this thread has been so kind and supportive. It makes such a difference x

[Datafan55]

Bless you. He was a beautiful thing. His big eyes in the first picture you tok!
4 years on from losing mine, and I got such a deluge of memories of her the other day out of the blue.
In the first months, I kept a lot of photos around, wrote down a lot of memories, and wrote a long rambling poem about her (cathartic).

[Judystilldreamsofhorses]

Our beautiful girl was put to sleep on Thursday too, and it was very sudden. I have a thread on intestinal lymphoma which was a shock diagnosis (we’d had her back and forth for puking over a few months but she was never “off” other than that, no weight loss, no lack of appetite, no behavioural changes) and an absolute gut punch. We could have tried chemo but the prognosis was poor and we opted to let her “go well”. I miss her so much, and I look like my face is deformed from crying.

I randomly looked at the CPL website on Saturday night and filled out a form for a wee ginger fella, expecting it to be weeks until I heard anything if at all. The CP woman rang me on Sunday morning and I am actually going to meet him tomorrow. I think it’s probably too soon but also maybe fate - she said she was drawn to our application because one of her own cats has the same name as our girl (not a common name). I’ll see how we go.

Sending love to all the sad cat people, I have been absolutely broken by it.

[Toddlerteaplease]

@NotHooray you did what you thought was best for him at the time. I still wonder if I should have taken Cheddar to the referral centre. For a scan to see what was wrong. But I don't think I was safe to drive her on my own. If she'd gone into status as the vet feared she would, en route it would have been dreadful. And having been there before I know the roads were complicated and there was no hard shoulder for much of the journey.

[Toddlerteaplease]

@Judystilldreamsofhorses I adopted Cheddar very quickly after I lost Maia, and I knew about Penelope within hours of Magics death. It really helped.

[CatChant]

@NotHooray @Judystilldreamsofhorses They are beautiful little cats and they sound enchanting companions. I’m so sorry. It is always so very hard to lose them. Take care, both of you.

[NotHooray]

@susiedaisy1912

Op I'm so sorry you've lost your beautiful boy. I lost my ginger boy 2 years ago suddenly at 8 years old. He just dropped dead in front of me with a heart attack. I was beside myself and tried to give him cpr. The neighbours came out to help after they heard me wailing. It was so traumatic I couldn't go to work for a week. But as time passed I can now look back at the memories we had with him with fondness. We loved him so much and he had the best life a cat could have. 6 months after he passed we got two kittens and at first I felt guilty for loving them and enjoying their company as it felt disloyal to my ginger boy but as they say time is a great healer. Allow yourself time to grieve and don't feel guilty grieving because it was 'only ' a cat. They are family through and through.

I'm so sorry that you went through that, I can't imagine how traumatising that must have been for you. Thank you for your kind reply. I hope in future we can give another cat a home too ❤️