Cat is making our relationship miserable

[sunshine080]

We have 2 male cats, both 3 years old. I've always joked that one of them has an OCD because ever since he was a kitten, he's been so particular about using a dirty litter box (by dirty, I mean a single poo, not days worth). This isn't helped by the fact our other cat doesn't know how to bury his business, urine or faeces. A combination of the two has led to hundreds of "accidents" next to a box.

We have tried everything to combat this. We have had up to 4 boxes (currently 3), spent god knows how much on different types of boxes, tried all kinds of different consistency cat litters, etc. He's been checked for medical problems and has none. The boxes are emptied minimum twice a day, but we work shifts and so are out of the house 12 hours at a time.

Since we moved into our current house the problem started getting worse with him going next to a box even if the box was clean. We have now reached a point of putting incontinence sheets next to the boxes because the floor is wrecked and we can't afford to replace it, and he is now completely forgoing boxes for urine and using sheets instead. We also have to keep bedrooms shut because for some reason (again something that's a occurred since being a kitten), he will go in the middle of the beds, although no where else soft.

My partner is and has been livid for some time because of the destruction that's been caused. I've been sticking up for our cat for 18 months and trying every which way to resolve the issue but it's been futile. There's a constant state of anxiety and tension in our house because it now happens 2-3 times a day since he's given up using the box, and so my partner is constantly fed up and that then has a knock on effect on the general atmosphere.

My partner wants him gone. I've had cats all my life and have never rehomed/given one up but I can't keep living like this either. I've been through a super thorough forum post I found on how to approach cats urinating outside of a box about a year ago and we've slowly regressed to now.

I feel so guilty at the thought of giving him up because I worry about what might happen to him, but equally our situation as it is is just not working.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, a space to vent or what. 😔

Does he go out?

The answer could be to start letting your cats out. You would have to build up slowly as I'm assuming from your post that theyve never been out.
Probably too unnatural for them to be locked inside foe 12 hour shifts. Dirty protest? Get a cat flap.

He doesn't sound happy and like others are suggesting, it may be that he needs to go outside (if he doesn't already) but, equally, it may be that he would be happier as a singleton cat (many are).

I wish we could let them out but my partner is allergic to flea bites (has scarring from previous blisters). I know they're outdoor creatures at heart and I've never had house cats previously. I do think he might be happier going outside and/or living singularly but that would still result in us having to rehome/give to a shelter, which I have briefly enquiried about but places have said they're only taking on emergency animals and this of course isn't an emergency relatively speaking. Plus if his behaviour doesn't change going somewhere else (as in, if he continues urinating inappropriately in a shelter) I fear he'll be put down 😔

I think they need to go out

If you treat regularly using flea products from your vet, fleas shouldn’t be an issue. Your partner can be bitten by fleas in other people’s houses. That seems an odd reason not to let the cat out.

Urinating on beds can be stress. He might not like being part of a multi-cat household and this is how he shows that.

Have you tried giving the offender his own box?

Cats generally don't like toileting where other cats have been. Most of them will do it if there is no other option, but they prefer not to and you do get the odd really picky one.

Sounds like you need to pick. Partner or cats. I know which I'd prefer. 😀

Honestly if your partner has allergies and the cats are causing all this stress I do think it's a decision between rehoming or this partner. Is DP long term or relatively new on the scene? Do you imagine a long future with him?

We do treat them even though they don't go out, but he's not willing to take the risk of them going out and bringing any into the house. He lived with someone prior to us moving in together who had house cats who managed to get fleas, and they infested the whole house (you'd see them jumping on the bed even though the cats didn't go into his room). He's self conscious about the scarring on his lower legs from it so I appreciate it seems like an extreme reaction but equally I do understand why he's anxious.

All my outdoor cats have worn flea collars, and not once have they ever picked up fleas. They tend to resist it at first, especially if they are adults, but they soon get used to it and it's an easy way to pre-empt that problem entirely.

Cats that remain indoors are usually unhappy. I say this as a former live in pet sitter. I've looked after dozens of indoors and outdoor cats and the indoor ones often have mental health issues. I think you should re-home the cats so they can have a better life, since your partner is allergic to flea bites.

Oh god Op. I sympathise so much with you. I’ve always had cats, and my last elderly one was PTS towards the end of 2018. I met now-DH not long afterwards and I suggested we get another quite elderly cat when I saw one on our local Cats Protection Facebook page a few years later and oh dear, talk about the road to hell being paved with good intentions

First the cat crapped in DHs laptop bag then on his bed (I have no idea why) then got fleas despite being de flea-d. Treatment from the vet sorted it but not until DH had been eaten alive … of course it had to be DH and not me. And then countless other problems that really were not the fault of the cat but caused stress like our toddler tipping up his food and water bowls. I felt like I was constantly being grouched at because of the cat.

I posted on here as well and I got a lot of ‘replace the DH with the cat’ type comments but it is awful, you start to feel apologetic for living in your own home. I would urge you to do what you think is best

We are long term, engaged, mortgaged, with DC. As much as I love our cats/cats in general, there is no debate between the cat and him.

I don't even know if it's the lack of outsideness that bothers [the cat] more than being with another cat, so regardless of my partner's allergy, it may not be the root cause anyway. Given it's occurred (albeit less frequently) since he was too small to go outside, that might be more suggestive that it's a multi cat issue, which would result in rehoming one of them too.

I've tried to see if a family member will take him so I know he'll be well looked after but they also have another cat so it probably wouldn't be fair on either.

Catproof your garden or provide a catio. This cat is not happy. That’s the issue here. We have two cats. Treat with advantage and have never seen a flea bite or flea. Spray house with Indorex every few months if you’re really bothered. Better than a house that stinks of cat pee. Or worse.

Partner needs to be re-homed then!

It's not fair to keep cats in just because of an irrational flea fear. Fleas are not hard to manage at all.

But, if you're not aware, Blue Cross do a home direct scheme where the cat stays with you until they secure a home.

If they are indoors can they be separated so that the 'good' one has one box in an area and fusspot has a room of his own and four boxes to go in?

The thing to do is to rehome the “easy” cat.

Have you had him checked for absolute everything though with the vet? Our local cat protection rehomed one recently that was brought in for exactly what you describe and it turned out the cat had absolutely chronic tooth issues. Once that was remedied it stopped.

I get that it is difficult for people to understand from the brief description I've provided, but it's not really an irrational fear when you're permanently scarred from it (plus had to deal with the reaction when it was present). I can't say hand on heart that even veterinary grade flea treatment has always worked in the past and so I can't morally absolutely assure my partner we'd have zero issues, not that he'd be convinced by me anyway. Our DC are also very allergenic and react badly to mosquito bites which definitely doesn't come from me, so I don't really have enough evidence to argue with my partner.

I genuinely do have my cat's wellbeing in mind, which is why I've spent so much money on boxes/litters/vets, etc to try and end the issue and have a harmonious household still with the cat. It's just that it has hit a point where I've had to come to terms with the fact he's probably not well suited in our situation as none of the other changes I can instigate have worked.

My cats are outdoor cats and have never had fleas, sounds really stressful for the cat and very unfair

Flea treatments are so much better than they used to be, what with the Seresto collars which only need to be changed every few months and Revolution/Advantage that it's possible to stay completely on top of fleas - surely your partner could give it a go and let the cats outside and just see if it worked. Then if not, you really will have tried everything, and rehoming might be the best thing, but this is a huge thing that you haven't actually tried yet.

Has he done anything to address the allergy? TBH I wouldn’t be rehoming my cats because my husband is allergic to the fleas they don’t have.

Just buy a robot litter tray and it'll empty automatically after each use.

It's not the cats fault he has standards.

Can you place the "good" cat in a cattery for a week/fortnight and see if that resolves the issue? Then at least you'd know whether rehoming one of the cats is a solution.

That might work if the cat would use the tray. Which clearly, as the Op says, he won't.