Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

Original poster

She's gone 😢 do I see her one last time?

36 replies

ShesGone · 19/02/2023 08:51

My beautiful, special girl couldn't take anymore and passed away earlier this morning at the veterinary clinic. She'd been battling an infection since having an op to fix a herniated bladder.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, she meant so much to me and I wasn't even there at the end.

I've got the option of seeing her later today with DH, but I'm not sure if I should? Part of me really wants to, to say goodbye and to say sorry for not being there with her at the end, but DH thinks it's best to remember her as she was.

I just don't know what to do and I'm sitting here in tears, my head swimming. Just interested to know what others would do/have done and if I'll regret not seeing her again?

Here she is, getting a lick from her big brother 😢

She's gone 😢 do I see her one last time?
OP posts:
Letsnotargue · 19/02/2023 09:05

I’ve not experienced this situation, but I have had my animals put to sleep at home and had the opportunity to spend a bit of time with them once they‘ve gone.

Personally I’ve found it gives me some level of closure, seeing them so peaceful and calm.

Ive never found it horrible, and in your situation I would want to go and say my goodbyes, but it is a personal thing.

Sorry for your loss.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 19/02/2023 09:13

So sorry @ShesGone, it's hard to say goodbye they're such a part of us. I agree with @Letsnotargue; I've been able to be there but have always gained comfort from seeing them at peace at the end. We always take them home to bury and it hasn't seemed awful or anything like that (not everyone can, I know). Obviously it's up to you ultimately, you have your memories and you can know you gave her the best home, and treatment. Try not to feel guilty, she had a lifetime of care and love from you and won't have suffered. Be gentle with yourself and hug her brother!

HappyHolidai · 19/02/2023 09:15

Honestly I wouldn't.

One of my cats died in his sleep at home; the other was put to sleep at the vet on my lap. Both were absolutely awful experiences. There is nothing to be gained from seeing the dead body of your beloved cat, so spare yourself and remember all the happiness and love.

HappyHolidai · 19/02/2023 09:16

(Awful for me. The cats just went to sleep peacefully.)

Allergictoironing · 19/02/2023 09:16

I had sort of the opposite when I had to have Boycat PTS a couple of weeks ago. I was with him at the vets, and after he was gone the vet said I could stay in the room for as long as I wanted with him. But I looked at him a few minutes later and all I saw was a dead cat, there was nothing of Boycat there any more.

I was the same when I saw my father a few minutes after he died - it looked like him, but it was almost like a model of him, nothing of "him" was there just a body.

BUT - certainly with Boycat I had my closure by being there & stroking him throughout, and with my father the last couple of times I saw him at the hospice he'd not really been there any more in his mind.

Sorry, this probably hasn't really helped you make up your mind, but this was my experiences.

BigPussyEnergy · 19/02/2023 09:20

So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose a furry friend.

Do Having seen human loved ones after death I would advise against it. They’re just not there anymore. The person/kitty that you loved wasn’t their physical body, it was the personality/spirit/essence/life and without that it can be a very upsetting experience to see a lifeless body where they used to be.

Personally I’d have a little ‘memorial’ with your DH and maybe plant something in the garden in her memory, say some nice words about her there and vow to remember her whenever you water her plant etc.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/02/2023 09:22

I've spent time with pets after they've been put to sleep (I've been there at the time, brought their body home for their surviving friends to see, taken the body back to the vets for disposal).

I value the initial time, just to accept the transition from life to death. But very quickly, that spark that makes them 'them' has gone, and the body is just a body.

So I would say the moment has passed. Look at photos, enjoy your memories and cuddle your other pets.

Sorry about your cat. It's very hard to let go.

Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2023 09:24

Nope. I saw DC PTS. It was a very peaceful quick moment but given the chance I absolutely would not be doing it again

Whyisitsososohard · 19/02/2023 09:26

So sorry for your loss we lost our cat in November. We had her put to sleep after she became very ill very quickly.

I'd personally go and see your cat if you weren't with her. She's dead and doesn't know, but in my mind I'd be letting her see her mummy a last time. (I know it makes no sense) and you get to say bye.

This is the hard awful part of having pets. I've been through it twice in recent years and now have kittens playing next to me but still think about my girls all the time. I take comfort in knowing I have them a lovely life, which I'm sure you did. Sending love, lookil after yourself xx

whoruntheworldgirls · 19/02/2023 09:28

I would go and say a final goodbye Flowers

Whyisitsososohard · 19/02/2023 09:28

Sorry I realise I'm going against some advice so I don't want to upset you further. I totally agree she's gone as pp's say. And my experience with people too. So this need to see her is poss unique to me. Xx

VenusStarr · 19/02/2023 09:35

I'm so sorry ❤️ different circumstances but having been with my girl when she was put to sleep (very urgent and distressing) I saw her after and I wish I hadn't. She didn't look like her anymore and the image has stayed with me. She knows how much she is loved and had a happy life with you. Sending love x

mommatoone · 19/02/2023 09:43

Im so sorry OP. Lost our girl last year in different circumstances 😢. As others have said, cherish the memories you have . I think one last visit would be too distressing. Not sure if your vets do this, but ours took her paw prints for us to keep and a lock of her hair which was comforting. You could ask them? Big hugs 💕

Original poster
ShesGone · 19/02/2023 09:46

Thanks everyone for your kind messages, some say do, some say don't. I'm still unsure, but right now, veering towards don't. Though that will swing either way in the next few hours I'm sure.

This is so hard, I'd just bought her all her favourite food for when she got home as the vet said she wasn't eating. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/02/2023 09:51

The body will have rigor mortis which just adds to the awfulness of it.
I'd personally choose not to visit.
Sorry about your loss.

Febmama23 · 19/02/2023 10:07

We have lost three cats in the last year. One died peacefully in the garden, one put to sleep at the vets (DH was with her) and the last one died naturally but very suddenly at the vets (we weren’t there) The memory of seeing our dead cat in the garden has stuck with me and it wasn’t very nice. The vet advised us against seeing the cat who had died naturally at the surgery. We had him cremated and scattered him under the rose bush in the garden. DH was glad he was with our second cat at the end but said he wouldn’t have gone after the event.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. It may help having her cremated and bringing her home x

eyeblob · 19/02/2023 10:08

I was with my cat when she was put to sleep and brought her home wrapped up to bury, I had one last stroke. In hindsight wish I hadn't as someone said she was dead cat not dear old hissy Missy cat, but to be honest only you can decide.Flowers

Silvergone · 19/02/2023 10:15

She isn’t there.

My cat died at home while I was putting kids to bed. By the time I found the body , it was already stiff, like a plastic toy, and very much a ‘thing’ - everything that had made my cat herself was simply gone elsewhere. She didn’t look like herself. The eyes were set open and staring, and the mouth was set in an unnatural grimace (from reading I’ve since learned that everyone dies with their eyes open, and the mouth usually moves into a grimace, because facial muscles tighten after death). Possibly the vet will have intervened in the moments after death to make the body look less alarming, I don’t know.

If I was you I would collect the body and bury it at home but that’s just me, it’s a lot of work as needs at least 3ft of earth above the coffin, plus heavy stones on top to deter foxes.

If you do collect the body, you aren’t going to say goodbye, you are merely collecting a thing, like someone’s old clothes, whether or not you believe in an afterlife (I have no idea!) she isn’t there, she’s gone.

Sorry for your loss 😔 Take time to grieve and do a little ceremony somewhere that your cat loved to be. We did one in the garden and it was quite moving, even spooky as when we said our final goodbye the candle fell over and went out. 👀

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 10:16

I'm always with them when they go. And afterwards I bring them home. I light candles and have flowers round them for one night and then they go in the garden.
The other cats can then say their goodbyes. They get confused when one of them just disappears.
But then I am a pagan and we practice death differently.

Toddlerteaplease · 19/02/2023 12:04

I was hiking my cat when she was out to sleep. And when I put her down on the table, tucked into her blanket she just looked asleep. I would not have wanted to see her after that as she would have looked like a dead cat. As a PP said.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/02/2023 12:11

I am sorry for your loss op.

Our boy died on 6th January. He was 15 and it was unexpected. He just laid down on the mat by the cat flap. He wasn't himself anymore and we wrapped him in a towel to take him to the vet. We didn't want to look at his deadness.

We all felt at peace once his ashes came home. They will be buried under a new tree or shrub in a month or so. I give the box a little pat every day.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 19/02/2023 12:11

I didn't see my cats afterwards (PTS) but unavoidably saw my dog (he died at home and I couldn't take him to be cremated until the following day, by which time he had rigor mortis). I can honestly say it made no difference to my experience of grief.

elm26 · 19/02/2023 12:16

I can't advise whether you should go or not as I think this is a very personal choice. Growing up with rescue dogs, I was given the option to be with them as they were put to sleep and I chose to be there as felt cuddling them along with my parents would bring comfort but I wouldn't be so sure to see them if they'd already gone.

I'm so sorry for your loss, she was beautiful xx

Okunevo · 19/02/2023 12:16

I brought my cat home. They wrapped her in a clean white towel and put her in her carrier. I am glad I could see her and gently stroke her head one last time and kiss her goodbye before I buried her.

LegodOut · 19/02/2023 12:26

I would say no. Had my dog PTS at the vets recently, we were with him, and stayed with him a few minutes after he had gone, stroking him, but after we had made our way towards the door, thanked the vet etc, when I looked back at him it was quite distressing - it was a dead dog, lying there by himself, none of his spark, none of his vitality, not really recognisable as 'him'. I wish I hadn't looked back. I worry that is what it would be like if you saw your cat.