I miss my cat so much

[SadandCatless]

Around last Easter time my OH rehomed my lovely girl while I was away from home and I can't get over her 😔 I miss her so much! She is the most perfect cat you could ever have and we were so lucky to have her. She is playful and funny but also gentle and loving..never got her claws out once and is just a fluffy, floppy purring sweetheart!! I lay awake at night thinking about her and whether she'd still remember me and I can't stop this feeling of grief like I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I know my son has this same heartbreak as she was his little best friend, and he still talks about her on a regular basis.

I don't know what I'm writing this all down here for but I just need to get it out, I feel like crying every time I think of her and I don't have anywhere else to express my feelings. I miss her so much ☹️

Of course he says that - it's part and parcel of controlling you. So you don't act in any way "against" him. Frankly it's chilling. Get out.

I am with the poster who suggested rehoming your OH.
I am so sorry this happened to you, please consider your longer term future. Anyone who pulls this kind of crap once is not going to be kind or even human to live with on an ongoing basis. It shows a complete lack of care and respect for you.
Hope you manage to find your cat.

He says he wouldn't have any reason to live if we weren't here.

Classic abuser manipulation. Please don’t let your freedom be influenced by his idle threats.

And I'm not meaning to come across cruel.
I grew up with this household with this type of abuse and it ruined my childhood and relationships.
I am resentful that my mother couldn't put her kids needs first over theirs and it's very much ruined our relationship.
Do you think he won't emotionally abuse your son? Where is your line?

This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry OP. I couldn’t forgive that.
I know you posted in litter tray, so I’ll express love and condolences here - you must miss her desperately, but I suggest you post or have this moved to the relationships board.

Please speak to your vet, without your partner there, as soon as you possibly can. Are you in the UK? The police may be able to help you get her back and leave the relationship.

My ex has mental health issues and used them to defend his abusive behaviour. Your partner seems to be doing the same. Poor mental health does not make people cruel and abusive. It does not make people give away loved pets.

I was so anxious, sad and lonely when I was with my ex. He used to twist my words, make me out to be an awful person. I couldn’t see a way out, but finding out what I would be entitled to, making a plan for when I was ready to take that step, realising how much it was damaging my toddler to witness his behaviour helped me leave finally and life is so much better on my own as a single mum.

And he didn’t hurt himself or fall to pieces like he’d said he would if I left. He has had to take more responsibility for his own wellbeing, and even where he has failed to do so, it has little impact on me and I’m not there to be his scapegoat anymore.

What he did to you and your cat is beyond hateful
i am so angry for you.

Your OH is vile.

This will not be his last act of cruelty towards you or your child.

You have only his word that your lovely cat is in a safe home. And his word is worthless.

Raise Cain until he gets her back, and get rid of him whatever happens.

Fucking hell what an actual arse of a person. You were away for some weeks to be with your dad who was ill and he REHOMED a family pet?! How does one think, ‘I can’t keep up with the day to day demands of looking after the cat so I’ll just get rid of it.’ That’s not normal at all. He sounds like he just did it to be spiteful because you were away for some time.

I’m not a pet person and I’m especially not a cat person but I’m so angry reading that so I can’t even imagine how you must feel OP. I can’t even type anymore because I don’t know what to say. What a cunt

What a wanker!!

Sorry, what now? If he wasn't coping there's these fantastic places called catteries - but it wasn't about coping was it, it was punishing you for being away. So that you won't do it again. Ignore the emotional manipulation, straight out of the abusive twat playbook that is. Please reach out for help and get away from this controlling arsehole. Hoping things get better for you

That's an appalling thing to do. I'm but usually in the LTB camp
But that is unforgivable.

Can't believe what I'm reading. This is completely unacceptable OP. I feel really sad for you and your lovely cat. You need to get away from this man; he does not have your best interests at heart. You are worth way more than to be treated like this.

Repeat after me...
"His happiness is not my problem".

You owe it to yourself and your child to get away from this male ego swinging monkey.

If you choose to stay with him, your unhappy life is on you, not him.

The threat of self harm and ending his life is a standard evil tactic of abusers, it’s a last attempt control to manipulate from ever leaving. They never go through with it, i had same threats & heard countless others saying same thing)… The same with the “depression and no one else to be there for him or go to”. Not your problem. Stay strong and do the right thing for you and your son.

Talk to family or friends irl and reach out to women’s aid, and if it comes to it, the police. Talk to these professionals first to get a plan in place to leave safely. As leaving them it’s the most dangerous time for partners on the receiving end of domestic abuse. Best not to tell him in advance, get your ducks in a row and leave when he’s not around, or have him made to leave the home with the assistance of the police and court protection orders.

I am so sorry about your cat, my ex got rid of mine when I was at work one day and said she ran away, she never went further than our garden, and was a home body. He then gaslit me further by pretending to care and helping me make missing flyers and searching for her. He finally told me he ran into a man a handful of streets away - who told him that a cat matching EXACTLY the description and photo of her (she had a few very distinctive features) was run over and killed by a car in his street the other week. To stop me going on about it. I was distraught and grieved hard for her, she was my best friend so sweet and affectionate, very young still, and funny personality much like you described yours. I couldn’t see that it was him at the time, I left within a year and soon seen the light when the fog lifted. It’s been twenty years since and I am still affected and think of her often. I hope the vet thing is true so that you can somehow get her back.

This is a absolutely appalling!!
I'm so shocked that he could do this.
He couldn't cope with a cat on his own for a few weeks while you were away? Oh bless him!! Sorry but it sounds like an excuse to me.
Cats generally are no trouble.
I feel so sorry for you. I would rehome him first. If it were me I would have to contact the vet. He didn't have your permission. There must be something you can do.. You are back home now so he wouldn't have to look after the cat on his own. I could not let this one go.

Have you asked the vet? Because there is NO way I believe a vet would do this. If it’s true, first port of call would be to report the vet.

Second question is - why on earth are you still with this poor excuse for a human?

On the whole, I agree with a couple of others. I don’t think this is true at all.

Ok I'm sorry if anyone doesn't think this is real or whatever but this is my life and I posted when I was feeling particularly down about my lovely girl, I just wanted to get it out somehow as I have no one to talk to.

I didn't want to go into too much detail as this is the 'litter tray' board but I have social anxiety and depression and I feel trapped. He has now taken me off of the car insurance so can't drive anywhere. He is lovely to our child (he sometimes makes nasty comments to me in a really happy child-friendly voice when our son is around but other than that he is nice as pie in front of him). He says he doesn't trust me and that I'm not depressed. I love far away from my family and even so, I don't feel I can turn to them for help as i feel a lot of resentment for things that happened in my childhood.

I feel completely disconnected from everyone apart from my son..I've shut down emotionally.

But this is not a post for the litter tray, I just wanted to talk about my cat.

This is awful to read and I'm so sorry for you. I also advise, when you feel ready, to post in the Relationships board. You need good help and advice that you obviously aren't getting in real life. I would also advise ringing somewhere like Women's Aid. Get yourself help and get you and your son out now while you still can.

Your husband is abusive. Please, please get help.

His behaviour is vile. I would do all you can to try to get your cat back.

You suffer with anxiety and someone that is supposed to love you removes a source of support and comfort from your life! That is wicked behaviour!

He's destroying you.

I respect that you don’t want to talk about the relationship in this thread; you know his behaviour is abusive. There is help out there when you are ready to take steps to make a better life for yourself.

Regarding your cat, no wonder you are hurting so much. What he did is unforgivable; cats are one of the easiest animals to care for. I don’t know what line was spun to the vet, but I’m sure the cat could be traced if you want to do that? It would be a first step to doing what YOU want.

Thank you all, I appreciate the replies. Yes I know this relationship is unhealthy and he can be abusive (even though he doesn't realise it) but I don't think there would be much point on posting on the relationship board as I know they will just say to leave but my mind is so frazzled I don't think I'd be able to..I'd just be wasting peoples time. It's going to sound strange and I will sound like an idiot but he twists things so much I don't think my brain is capable of thinking straight anymore or how I'd get out of this brain fog. The way he twists things I think he must believe I'm such a horrible, untrustworthy baddie and I get so confused about what actually happened by the end of all the berating.

I feel like my life is already destroyed tbh it's pointless. I'm only here for my son as I know he needs me.

Jesus christ this is terrible, this is active abuse not "can be abusive". He'll turn on the boy when he gets older and tries to assert his independence from you both, as is normal with teenagers and then you'll both be abused & trapped.

I've been on mumsnet a long time and I've never seen anyone had their pet taken off them by an abuser. He did it to hurt you because you love her and stop you being happy which made him happy & no doubt continues to make him happy when He thinks how much it hurt you but you couldn't do anything about it.

One day that boy will leave home too and then your alone with your abuser.

He may well be depressed but that doesn't stop him being abusive or give him an excuse to be abusive. If he did kill himself no one's going to blame the woman he was abusing for not being abused any longer.

I'd be heartbroken if anyone did this to me too. He well and truly punished you for leaving to care for your dad didn't he?

But your son needs you to protect him from your abusive partner!
Please reach out for help at womens aid , go anywhere. How would you feel if he hurt your son? It's not just about you