When to say goodbye

[smurfmonkey]

I posted here a couple of months ago as my 18 year old boy was diagnosed with very early renal problems. He was doing ok on renal food but over the past couple of weeks he stopped wanting it so I've been feeding him regular food just so he'll eat something.

I took him back to the vets yesterday and he's lost yet more weight and the vet could feel either a growth or possibly his kidney in his stomach area. He said the kindest thing would be to make the decision then but I just couldn't do it 😭

I'm having a rough time of it lately anyway as I've split from my long term partner and he's due to move out this weekend. I know it was selfish but I couldn't bear to part with my boy at the same time, the thought of still at least having him about has been keeping me going.

How do I know when to let go? He's still eating, although not loads and is drinking but he spends most of his day sleeping on the sofa. I don't want to make him suffer but I can't bear the thought of losing him too at the moment 😞

I just knew, I looked at her after she'd had blood tests and realised it was time. Waited for the bloods to confirm what I already knew. And it was peaceful, dignified and exactly what I wanted for her.
Unfortunately it's not about you. If the vet has suggested it. It probably is time and you will have to let him go. It's the greatest act of love for him. I'm sorry you are struggling, but you can't let him suffer. Hugs for you.

I know I'm being incredibly selfish thinking about myself 😞

He's been having a potter about this morning, has had a little bit of butter (figured it won't hurt now) and seemed very keen when I opened some more tuna. He doesn't look like he's feeling sorry for himself and is still happy to be picked up for a fuss and is purring away.

I don't want to make him suffer, I just don't want to make the decision if he still looks like he has some quality of life.

Thank you for your kind words by the way 🙂

I mean this in the kindest way but I think you do know that now is the right time. Cats are very good at hiding how they're feeling and going from my experience when the vet told me it was time, I knew it was. We'd been to the vets countless times before and she'd never mentioned to me about possibly saying goodbye so when she did i knew she was saying it for a reason.

What a difficult time for you, bless you. As Toddler has said, you have to be guided by your vet. When my cats have declined in health, I've been back & forth to the vet, checking when the right time to let them go is, and I've always gone with their advice. It's so unfortunate that it's happening now in your life, but he needs you to think of what's best for him at this time.

Is there anyone you feel close to who can support you with your Dcat, and go with you to the vet?💐

We let ours go when we knew she was still happy, but also knew her days were very much numbered. It meant we had a lovely last day with her, she pottered around the garden in the sun, had long naps on our laps. We got to enjoy her purring and being happy and got to say our goodbyes.
She may well have had another week or so, but who knows how she would have been during that week. It would have been horrible to have to let go quickly, and with her in distress.
She had been ill for some time (but perfectly well enough to live happily), so we had done all our 'mourning' before she went. We were desperately sad, and the house wasn't the same, but we knew it was right.

It meant we were mentally prepared to get another cat (the house, and we, needed one!) so we went to the rescue centres within a month. I know people who have had new cats much more quickly than that, so don't feel that you can't have a cat in your life. But that saying about 'better a week too soon than a day too late' is one that I feel is very true for cats especially, who are good at hiding pain, and can deteriorate very quickly.

If I were you, I'd make a planned appointment at the vet, and take a day or so to enjoy your lovely cat before doing the kindest thing for them.

My dd had to make this decision recently. He was 20, was barely eating, had lost a huge amount of weight but would still follow her out into the garden to sit in the sun, or curl up with her on the sofa, but he wasnt chatting and spent most of the time asleep. We had this decision with an earlier cat and sadly, looking at his last photos we left it a bit too late. The vet was kindness herself, she said he was showing his age,there were likely to be underlying issues ( his tummy was very solid) that yes she could do tests but if they did show problems was dd prepared to put him through possibly stressful treatment, eg getting him to take tablets, having frequent vet visits etc. DD decided that he deserved better, that she would rather remember him as happy rather than stressed and that saying goodbye to him calmly and gently was small repayment for the love and sweetness he had given over many years. It hurt her deeply, she was terribly upset but knows it was the right decision.

I read on here a comment that animals don’t measure time as we do, what matters to an animal is the here and now, they don’t see squeezing in a few extra weeks or months of life in the same terms we do.

Cats are very good at masking pain and your vet has said it's time.
It may be awful timing for you, but you'll feel worse if you leave it and your cat gets unwell "suddenly" (it's often not sudden, they've just hidden it until the point they are in agony and can't mask any more) and you have to rush to PTS.
Give him lots of love and let him go in a peaceful and controlled way, that will bring you more comfort than him suffering silently. It's so hard but you have to think of him.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry.
I put our 15 yr old girl to sleep 10 days ago. I think that in the situation you describe, you have to do everything you can to take your own feelings (sorrow, guilt etc) completely out of it. This is about your cat and what is best for them. Are they happy, enjoying life, in pain, distressed etc. ONLY think about them.

I knew that the end was coming from a few weeks out and wasn't willing to put her through any more. Cats are SO good at hiding pain, distress and the like, but she was dull eyed and definitely not good at all. Predictably she seemed most alert at the vets so that really didn't help my levels of guilt. I've been crying on and off since doing it, and I was determined to stay with her through the process - it's pretty awful, but I wanted her to hear my voice at the end. I hadn't expected the extreme guilt, even though I knew deep down that it was absolutely the best decision for HER. We could have carried on, but it would not have been fair to her. Gosh - I'm crying again writing this. We love them and only want the best for them. xx

I would give him a bit longer and monitor him closely.

Use this time to say goodbye to him. Ask him to tell you when he wants to go. Cats are very perceptive. You will know in your heart when it is time for him to go.

It's very hard especially when there are other things going on. He's reached the great age of 18 and sounds like he's had a lovely life. You have lots of things to be thankful for.

We're in kind of a similar situation. Our boy is nearly 17 and has lived with chronic health problems for years but it's been controlled with medication and his dogged refusal to give in to it. He's dropped a huge amount of weight in the last few months and the vet thinks his little body just can't cope with the underlying condition anymore and we'll know when he's had enough. He's also very arthritic and tired and has started to have litter tray difficulties. However he's also still pretty cheerful and his appetite is fine, so at the moment we're just keeping a close eye on him and the minute I think he's unhappy the decision will be made.

We lost his sister a few years ago, she had cancer in her mouth and we PTS when she was still very happy but was no longer able to eat properly because we knew (and the vet warned us) that from that point it would be a rapid decline and she would start to suffer very quickly. If we'd left it longer it would have been purely for our benefit, not hers, and I don't regret doing it when we did.

It's very very hard OP but only you know when the time is right.

Thank you all for your kind words, support and advice.

@LightandMomentary the guilt is just awful, but sometimes you never feel you make the right decision. My first cat also had kidney issues, she declined very quickly and passed away at home, on her own, before I could make the decision. I felt awful that she was on her own.

My current boy's brother was PTS 6 years ago at 12. He'd had heart problems and I spent a few months and £2000 trying to get treatment for him but eventually the vet said the kindest thing was to let him go. But he was off out that morning roaming the neighbourhood and I felt such guilt in taking the decision, I couldn't stay with him. I still think about it now.

My ex partner is still in the house at present and he thinks we should see how he is over the next couple of days and then think about a decision on Monday. He will come back and come along with me when the time comes, although we're splitting up I know he loves him as much as me and if I can't face being with my boy I'll know he won't be alone.

Honestly, this year can just end now!

OP, I'm so glad that you won't be alone. I think that the guilt is huge if they seem 'OK' at the vets and also if they don't seem OK, as you fear you left it too late. Best to just cry and remember them as the lovely floofs that they were. xx

Thank you, yes he's given me so many years of love. He's been an absolute sweetheart (apart from when he bit me last year and it got infected 😂) I couldn't have asked for a lovelier cat and I know he's had the best life.

Hi OP, we are in exactly the same position.

Mabelcat is 15, he’s lost so much weight it’s just awful. He’s gone from a fluffy foofy ball of fluff to skin and bone. His hips are jutting out, he’s barely eating or drinking and just sleeps upstairs. He’s now started hiding in our en suite bathroom, he’s got dull sunken eyes - I do feel now that the time is coming. He went to the vet for bloods and all was ok, but of course cancer won’t show up and will just eat away at him.

but my husband is burying his head in the sand and will be devastated at thought of PTS, and I guess he is hoping that Mabelcat will just slip away quietly

Oh bless you @MabelMoo23 I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing 😞

My little Woo is still eating and drinking but is a shadow of his former self, he was such a big lad.

Strangely I find the thought of them slipping away a bit worse than making the decision to PTS, I guess I think by that point they really probably are in pain when the time comes.

I hope you can do whatever is best for Mabelcat x

Trust yourself to make the right decision. x

We had our old girl of 18 PTS last week; it was heartbreaking but the only (and right) thing to do. She'd had a couple of strokes, bounced back - though with slightly weaker back legs and more wobbliness each time - then she had one that impacted her ability to eat and drink. She was still getting to the litter tray ok and purring, but was losing weight rapidly and I just couldn't watch her waste away. Like MabelMoo23, my dh wanted to hold off but I insisted on the vet trip. The buggers cling to life like a limpet and never slip away :)

Just realised I need to name change as I am now chat-less :(

It is ultimately your choice, but as others , including me, have said many of us think a gentle relaxed death after a day of spoiling is far preferable than a frantic rush to the vet with a suddenly deteriorating cat who is struggling. If you know it is going to happen soon it is better to choose the time.

Cats mask pain so well. They purr when happy but also when stressed to sooth themselves. It's time to let him go before he gets into really bad pain. Feed him some tuna, give him a cuddle and get him to vet to PTS. What is painful for you is kindest for him. Make sure someone goes with you to drive you home. Take some lovely photos before you go to vet.

@LaMereDuChat I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this recently 😞

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice. I'm going to spend some time with him over the weekend. My ex is currently moving out so it's been unsettling for my boy anyway. I've said I'll make a decision on Monday and call the vets and my ex will come with me when the time comes 😭

Thinking of you today Smurfmonkey - it's awful, but it's the kindest thing you can do for them. I've watched a parent have to battle it out to the bitter end and it's not nice at all. My old girl was also a butter fiend :) Hope you had a lovely weekend together with your boy x

@LaMereDuChat thank you so much for thinking of me ❤

I took the decision on Saturday to get in touch with the vets and took him in this afternoon 😔

He drifted off peacefully and went very quickly at the end and whilst it was heart breaking I knew it was the right thing for him, I just needed a few days to accept it.

We had a lovely cuddle before he went and he had more butter than he could wish for. He gave me 18 years of fluffy love and I couldn't have wished for a better cat.

I'm going to have his and his brothers ashes put into a glass rainbow so they can be together again 😍

Now I need to stop seeing things out of the corner of my eye thinking it's him 😭

Oh, I know... I still find myself looking over for my old girl every so often (in her favourite spot on her electric heat pad) and it's been 2 weeks since we let her go. Nearly 19 years of habit, I suppose.

Sounds like your boy had a similarly lovely life and as good an end as could be managed. Hope you're bearing up okay - it's truly heatbreaking to have to make the decision but I think we've both done the best we can by them.