Not coping since darling girl was PTS

[MissEDashwood19]

I'm absolutely soul destroyed since our beautiful girl was PTS this week. She was only six, but had kidney failure. Simply no age to go. I can't stop blaming myself.

She's been with me through so much. I had her by my side moving countries, getting married, starting a family and I've let her down. I should've realised she was sick sooner and I should've made her last year more peaceful.

I feel tremendously guilty that I couldn't do anything for her. I keep sobbing and can only keep it together in front of my baby daughter. As soon as she's asleep, I break down. The loss is huge.

My husband took her to the vets to get checked and the vet took some bloods and said it wasn't good news. He said we could put her on dialysis, but he wouldn't recommend it. The vet advised PTS there and then. My husband called me and told me that he felt it was better not to bring her home again (she hated going to the vet) and as I was with our baby I couldn't go and see her to say goodbye.

My husband was with her until the end stroking her and telling her how much we loved her. I feel broken that I didn't get to say goodbye and am now questioning whether we made right decision.

I was in denial about how serious it was and thought she would be OK. I think this is a coping mechanism and a result of her brother losing weight due to a sore throat which was quickly resolved by antibiotics.

She was a quiet, gentle girl and since our daughter was born removed herself to our spare bedroom or my husband's study as she didn't like the noise. She also spent a lot of time outside exploring, we live rurally.

I worry that she felt pushed out by my daughter and that her last year with us wasn't as peaceful as she deserved. I had very little time to search her out to give her affection. Her brother (an extremely confident cat) and our dog were unfazed by the baby and always around, so I gave them more time and attention. Again, this is a source of tremendous guilt.

My husband spent a lot of time with her and said she always had someone to go, but I know I should've done better and been there for her. I should've made that time. I don't know how to forgive myself.

I would really appreciate any tips on how to manage my grief and how to reach a place of acceptance.

So sorry for your sad loss. You've had a shock, losing her so suddenly. Sadly, we can't always know exactly what's going on with them, but we try our best. I've always let myself be guided by the vet. I trust that they know what the right thing to do is. I'm sorry you couldn't be with her at the end, but she had someone there who loved her very much. It's never easy, but day by day it will become more bearable. Let yourself grieve. If you'd like to talk to someone, have a look here.
www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/grief

Keep coming back here as well. We've all experienced loss and would love to help.

Take care of yourself

I also didn't realise how sick my cat was until I picked her up from the cattery after 10 days and realised she'd lost loads of weight. She also had heart disease though. Cats hide things very well. My girl was only eight. It's awful, but it does get better.

@Want2beme thank you so much for your kind words and for the link. I hope I will be able to forgive myself and focus on the happy memories.

@Toddlerteaplease I'm sorry for your loss. That must've been a terrible shock when you collected her from thr cattery.

In the summer, our cat would spend a lot of time outside, so it was harder to keep tabs on her. She was at the vet four months before she was PTS to have some teeth out, so it felt like even more of a shock that something was so terribly wrong.

When did the grief start to lift? Did anything help you feel more at peace about having her PTS?

With my girl, it was easier, because of the severity of her heart disease, I knew We had Limited time. But she wasn't unwell with that. Her kidneys going was a shock. Fortunately I'd planned what I wanted to happen when they time came. And she had a lovely peaceful death. So that was a huge comfort.

For me, getting another cat was the key. Her sister was not happy on her own, not that she was missing Maia. She never looked back! I had intended to wait for a bit. But the right cat happened to be in the rescue and Cheddar came home 10 days later. The stars aligned. She's very different in some ways but also has some of the same characteristics as Maia did. Which is weird.
The harder thing is actually when she pops up on my memories or Timehop. The first year was the worst. But now I look at the photos and smile.

@Toddlerteaplease that must be a great comfort to you that Maia slipped away peacefully. Were you with her?

I think it was the sudden onset of the kidney failure that makes it even harder to process. I keep thinking she's outside and will be back in soon.

How lovely that you were able to give Cheddar a loving home. How old was Cheddar when you got her? Does she get on with your other cat?

I probably won't get a second cat as our other cat is so confident and would probably push another cat around. His sister put him in his place, but I'm not sure another cat would be able to. Our dog and cat are best friends (always cuddled up together or playing), so I also wouldn't want to upset that dynamic with another cat. It's tough.

Yes. I held her. It was very peaceful and very dignified for her.

Cheddar was 6/7. When I got her. She gets on much better with Magic, than she ever did with Maia. Maia was very dominant and an absolute diva when she wanted to be. Magic is definitely Queen bee now, but very protective of Cheddar, who is very placid and passive. They don't sleep together or anything like that. But rub along and gang up on me!

We put our 4 year old to sleep last week. She had a blood clot on her spine and couldn't move her back legs. She was already on the maximum blood thinning dosage so we would just be buying ourselves some time if they'd intervened with no guarantee she'd get some movement back.We were both with her when she was PTS but it was difficult because she was mewing, asking for tummy rubs and generally behaving normally. I'm not sure what I expected but the medication they used worked in about 10 seconds which was a bit of a shock. She didn't see it coming which is good but DH (who was her favourite) said he wished he hadn't been there to see it and would have preferred it was just me comforting her. I have to admit, I found it hard to watch too.

I didn’t realise how sick my cat was. She was not eating and deteriorated within a week and was PTS by the emergency vet. She’d seen our normal vet just a few days before.

@MilduraS I'm so sorry that you've also been through this. It's dreadful. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in the room with them as they slip away.

My husband said these invasive treatments for terminal cases are more for the owners than for the cats, that they're just delaying the inevitable. When I'm being rational, I know my cat would've hated being at a strange vets receiving dialysis for a few more months of a very restricted life. She would've hated being kept inside as she was very much a farm cat. I just found the speed of everything so hard to get my head around and feel lots of guilt about not noticing something was amiss and that I missed saying goodbye. I know my husband was a tower of strength for her at the end, and like your husband he was our cat's favourite.

@daisypond I'm so very sorry. What was wrong with your cat, if you don't mind me asking? I think it's the sudden downturn that shocked me too.

Ours was very much a farm cat and when she was inside spent her time with my husband in his study (away from our other pets and DD), so it was harder for me to observe her. My husband isn't that observant. Our other cat lost weight last year, which was caused by a sore throat, so I had hoped it was something similar this time.

Aah you sound like a lovely person.. you did all you could to help.. grieve for her.. and know that she can never be replaced.. and eventually you may be able to adopt and love and honour her in that way x

@MissEDashwood19 The speed of it all was definitely the most difficult part for us too. There was about an 45 minutes between her calling us for help in the garden and us leaving the vets empty handed. I think your husband is right about the more invasive treatments being for the owner. As difficult as it was, it was the best decision for her.

My cat probably had something neurological wrong with her. Possibly a brain tumour. The night she was PTS she was suddenly having seizures. We’d had her since she was a kitten and she was only 12 years old. It only happened last week and we can’t believe she’s gone. We were both there stroking her. It is devastating.

Oh OP be kind you yourself. I lost my 20 year olds" girl 8 weeks ago and honestly it's only in the last few weeks that I've stopped crying every day.

My girl was very old and her kidneys were failing. The vet came to the house to put her to sleep. Her final moments will never leave me. I sat with her body for 7 hours and howled and howled.

I am still not over it and never will be. But it gets a little easier with time.

This horrendous grief is the price that we pay for live, excruciating as it is.

You are not alone and I send much love to you.

@carwashthecat thank you for being so kind. She's completely irreplaceable to me. I feel blessed to have had her, even if it was for such a short time.

@MilduraS I'm so incredibly sorry. The shock and speed of it is so difficult to process. I'm sure your presence gave her huge comfort at the end. You made the right decision for her even if it was hard for you and your DH.

My condolences for the loss of your lovely girl
These things do come on so suddenly. My cat has just been diagnosed with kidney problems and we've been advised to feed him on a special diet for this.He suddenly lost weight and has been drinking more.
It is so heartbreaking and I too have been there with the guilt when we lost previous pets. It does pass and you will be able to remember the good times

@daisypond I'm so so sorry. That must've been so hard to see, especially having had her with you for 12 years. They really leave such a huge hole when they go. You let her pass with dignity, surrounded by love and that takes huge selflessness. I think it's natural for us to want to prolong their lives even when it's not in their best interests.

@soberfabulous thank you for your kind words.

Twenty years is a lifetime together, you must have so many wonderful memories of her. I'm sure she was by your side through lots of life's ups and downs. It's such a profound feeling of loss. They give so much and ask for so little in return. I find that lots of people simply can't understand the sense of loss or think you should be over it very quickly.

You're right, it's the price we pay for our time with them. I would do it all over again depite the heartbreak as the beautiful moments more than compensate. I just hope she knew how loved she was at the end.

Sending lots of love to you too.

@DeliciousSoup thank you so much. I'm very sorry that your boy is having problems. Did your vet give you a prognosis for him?

So, so sorry for your loss OP. We lost our girl to kidney disease just over 3 weeks ago. She went from being a healthy cat to PTS in a week, it was staggeringly fast and I still can't believe she has gone. We were absolutely bereft at her loss. The first weekend without her was so painful and sad. We are still incredibly sad she is no longer with us but what has helped is pictures of her, getting her ashes back and telling people about her. We went through all our pictures of her, put them around the house and in an album. It really helped us remember the good times with her. We now have her ashes with us in a little box in our lounge. She spent alot of time on my husband's lap there and its comforting knowing she is back home.
I also find the more I tell people about her passing the less upset I am about it. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I cry over her, I think I will for a long time yet but her little ways and specialness keep popping up in my mind and they remind me how lucky we were to have her when we did. She was incredibly special and we were blessed she chose us to live with. She was also pushed out when we had our first child but over time she got into a new rhythm of life and it sounds like your lovely girl did too. Our cat adored my husband and he was there when she was PTS. Sounds similar to your husband, she would have felt safe with him. I can understand the guilt but there is nothing to be gained from focussing on that OP. Focus on your special times with her and how wonderful she was. Remember you gave her a wonderful life, not guaranteed for many cats, and you gave her a peaceful and dignified death. It's hard I know but I promise will get easier as the days past. I hope you are ok and can find some comfort in your happy memories of her.

@WorldsBestCat I'm so terribly sorry for your loss .

Your comment made me cry, thank you so much for your kindness and for sharing your experience with me. I have always felt a lot of guilt about her being pushed out by my DD, even when she was alive. Although, she adopted my husband and spent her time where he was (in the spare room and study) or outside.

The speed of everything was very hard for me. I struggle with making decisions at the best of times, so having to make that call while on the phone with my husband was very difficult.

It must bring great comfort that you have her ashes and that she's back home where she belongs. I wanted our girl's ashes, but where I live (another European country) that's sadly not an option. My husband was too distraught to bring her body back to be buried, so she was just cremated with other cats, which upset me a lot. That's a good idea. I will frame a photo of her and plant a tree to remember her by.

I lost a much loved cat to kidney disease a couple of years ago. We agonised over missing the signs and felt horribly guilty. But, unfortunately you can't go back and make different choices. We had actually taken him several times to the vets with symptoms I now know were significant but the vets didn't pick them up because he was young and they didn't join the dots or do a blood test.
I've taken some solace in knowing that his life, whilst shorter than it should have been was a happy and contented one.
I am still quite angry with the vet though and don't take my other cats there anymore.
You have my sympathies

I'm so sorry.

I had a little cat, Sophie, who died similarly aged 4.5. She had glomerulonephritis. Her last day was so sad and we had to take her to the vet in the end. I will not forget that, she was gorgeous and great fun. She was born here, her mother (who was only a kitten herself, a stray that was found near work and I brought home), and two sisters lived to be nineteen.

You'll be able to accommodate this in time op. I'm sure she had a good life with you but it is sad when they become ill like that.