I'm absolutely soul destroyed since our beautiful girl was PTS this week. She was only six, but had kidney failure. Simply no age to go. I can't stop blaming myself.
She's been with me through so much. I had her by my side moving countries, getting married, starting a family and I've let her down. I should've realised she was sick sooner and I should've made her last year more peaceful.
I feel tremendously guilty that I couldn't do anything for her. I keep sobbing and can only keep it together in front of my baby daughter. As soon as she's asleep, I break down. The loss is huge.
My husband took her to the vets to get checked and the vet took some bloods and said it wasn't good news. He said we could put her on dialysis, but he wouldn't recommend it. The vet advised PTS there and then. My husband called me and told me that he felt it was better not to bring her home again (she hated going to the vet) and as I was with our baby I couldn't go and see her to say goodbye.
My husband was with her until the end stroking her and telling her how much we loved her. I feel broken that I didn't get to say goodbye and am now questioning whether we made right decision.
I was in denial about how serious it was and thought she would be OK. I think this is a coping mechanism and a result of her brother losing weight due to a sore throat which was quickly resolved by antibiotics.
She was a quiet, gentle girl and since our daughter was born removed herself to our spare bedroom or my husband's study as she didn't like the noise. She also spent a lot of time outside exploring, we live rurally.
I worry that she felt pushed out by my daughter and that her last year with us wasn't as peaceful as she deserved. I had very little time to search her out to give her affection. Her brother (an extremely confident cat) and our dog were unfazed by the baby and always around, so I gave them more time and attention. Again, this is a source of tremendous guilt.
My husband spent a lot of time with her and said she always had someone to go, but I know I should've done better and been there for her. I should've made that time. I don't know how to forgive myself.
I would really appreciate any tips on how to manage my grief and how to reach a place of acceptance.