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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

Kitten prefers dp over me

39 replies

Lemontree5 · 12/07/2021 11:55

I've had a rough past 2 years. So after a long deliberation me and dp finally agreed getting a kitten was on our radar. I was ecstatic. It was something to look forward to and I was so excited. However from bringing the kitten back he has always favoured my dp. He was meant to be mine. I know you cant choose cats they choose you but I'm so upset. He always purrs when dp pets him. Doesnt for me. He always snuggles up to him, and go up to him for affection. If I try to pet him he will actually have the audacity to walk up to dp for more pets. I don't know what I've done wrong. I've spent an equal amount of time and affection on this kitten. I was the one who decided on him ironically dp wanted a different one. I just feel so disheartened and disconnected from the kitten now. I dont even want to bother with him anymore

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 12/07/2021 11:56

Get some counselling.

Original poster

Lemontree5 · 12/07/2021 12:00

@Sarahlou63 and that helps my situation....how?

OP posts:

Motnight · 12/07/2021 12:04

Op this seems to really have affected you.

Cats are strange creatures. No one can say that your kitten is going to change the way that it is behaving or show you any affection. It might or it might not.

But the fact that you are taking it personally isn't a great way to react.

Sarahlou63 · 12/07/2021 12:07

Because you've had a rough two years and now you are projecting your feelings onto a kitten and asking what you've done wrong.

Someone who thinks it's their fault that a very young animal 'prefers' another person needs to do some serious work on their self worth/self esteem.

Please don't take out your feelings of disappointment on the kitten or your partner.

LargeInCharge · 12/07/2021 12:07

IME if you ignore a kitten/cat they want affection from you. Stop picking up the kitten/trying to give him attention and see if he warms to you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2021 12:08

Cats do choose favourites though & the rest of the family have to lump it.

Cats aren’t here to cheer us up. It’s potentially a 20 year commitment.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 12/07/2021 12:09

As kindly as possible, if your emotions are in a vulnerable enough spot that you've hung them on your reception by a cat, perhaps it wasn't the right time to adopt an autonomous living creature.

Feed the cat, pet the cat, get support for your emotions, preferably counselling. Cats will smarm up to anyone who controls the food supply. Give it time.

TiddyAndFletch · 12/07/2021 12:12

He's young yet - when he's an adult cat he may be quite different.

Try some bonding activities - play with him using a dangle toy, and nominate yourself as keeper of the cat treats - see if he will take Dreamies from your hand.

Beamur · 12/07/2021 12:13

You need to learn how cats work! It's not difficult, but if you're familiar with dogs, you may be doing it wrong.
Cats basically want everything on their terms. If you understand what those are cats will feel more comfortable and relaxed with you.

Feed them
Speak softly
Don't pick them up
Don't approach them for fuss
Learn and anticipate their needs

Cats are notoriously more attentive to people that ignore them. It's because those people make a fuss of the cat when the cat requests it. I have 3 cats. None of them like being picked up but all three will allow it on their own terms of will climb onto my shoulder (when they want something). They do make delightful companions but I think you might have to adjust your expectations for now.

ivfgottwins · 12/07/2021 12:16

You can't predict who a cat/kitten will decide is worthy of their attention - we have 4 - one is most definitely "mine", one is most definitely husbands, one shares his affections equally with both of us and the 4th couldn't give a shit about anyone

I get its disappointing as I'm sure you've had this picture in your head of how your new little furry family member would behave but that's the risk you take getting any pet

kittenkipping · 12/07/2021 12:21

Oh op, I'm sorry your feeling so down. It can be disappointing and whilst we'd all like to be so rational and sensible as to react correctly- sometimes our emotions get the better of us and it's easy to let small things become the proverbial straw. I'm sure you love the kitten and your partner and they love you, but I understand how you feel a little dejected. I'm sure your just venting and haven't treated the cat nor your husband badly as a result of your disappointment.

I'd echo other and try loving the kitten less- sounds mad but ime kittens and cats do gravitate towards those who give them the least affection. I'll also say that my kitten HATES anyone who's feeling sad. She's quite the princess and senses when I'm down and offers nothing but scorn. She once hissed at me and flounced off because I had the temerity to cry whilst she was on my lap (watching a sad film)
When I'm happier she's all cuddles and affection .

I hope you feel better soon

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 12/07/2021 12:35

Hi OP, you have my sympathy but you need to realise that cats operate on their own terms (which for me is actually much of their appeal). Some are ridiculously friendly, some are antisocial little sods, and they often favour some individuals over others in the house.

This does mean though that when your kitten finally deigns to come to you, you will really appreciate it.

Original poster

Lemontree5 · 12/07/2021 12:36

I'm not asking what I've done wrong nor projecting my emotions , I just posted this to see if anyone had anymore tips. I've lived with cats all my life so I know how they work and I know that less is more with them. I'm patient, I let her come to me and dont fuss over her. I give her treats, feed her, play with her. I guess it really is just preference and there is nothing I can do. I guess it was just meant to be a nice thing for me and it hasnt panned out that way. I wont inflict expectations on a cat though that's stupid given how unpredictable they are

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 12/07/2021 12:36

I mean this kindly but you’re probably coming across as quite intense to the kitten and he’s naturally gravitating towards someone more relaxed.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 12/07/2021 12:52

I just posted this to see if anyone had anymore tips

OK - Tempt your kitten with Dreamies, it works wonders on 3 out of 4 of our cats .

30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/07/2021 12:54

Few prawns in your dressing gown pocket...

memberofthewedding · 12/07/2021 13:04

My nephew had a cat previously who was very loving. When she died a friend brought him a kitten. However the kitten made a beeline for his (then) flatmate and had made it clear the he prefers flatmate. Nephew I know feels hurt by this. Ive tried to encourage him to have regular play sessions with the cat (now grown) to try and bond but he does not want to make the time. Flatmate has now moved out and visits about once a week. When he does cat makes a tremendous fuss of him but apart from when he wants something (food/tray cleaning) ignores poor nephew.

I think you have to accept that this is just the way cats are.

ivfgottwins · 12/07/2021 13:14

@Lemontree5

I found female cats gravitate towards men more and male cats towards women - could be a massive generalisation but I've had cats for years and that's generally been what's happened

AlfonsoTheMango · 12/07/2021 13:20

My sympathies, OP.

When I was a child my family adopted a Siamese kitten who was supposed to be mine but the rotten beast adored my mother and never gave me the time of day. Then we adopted an adult Siamese who thought the sun rose and set on my brother and hated me with a passion.

Cats gotta cat, I guess.

InpatientGardener · 12/07/2021 13:22

This happened to me although i wasn't as upset about it as you are. The kitten was also my birthday present to add insult to injury. She just adored DP and he adored her back, so I got another kitten and fortunately she loved me the most so we had one each but seriously, cats are fickle creatures and there doesn't seem to be any discernible formula that can make them like you. Its almost certainly nothing you've done.

Crunchyorsmooth · 12/07/2021 13:28

Aww I feel you! Dreamies, be a bit more aloof, make sure then kitten sees you putting the food down. They’re just like that. We got 2 (pre-DC) - one loved DH, one was my baby

Ellmau · 12/07/2021 18:26

Control the Dreamie supply.

livingwithbees · 12/07/2021 18:33

Put DH on an affection ban toward kitten if you feed, supply treats and all love towards the kitten then it will come around to you?
@AlfonsoTheMango we have a Siamese and he couldn’t give a shit about my DH, tolerates and uses DD as a playmate in equal measure and is so attached to me that he just can’t do anything without consulting me.
OP I reckon it’s a bond built on time, DKitten will get there in the end so long as you keep plugging away

Avoidance · 12/07/2021 22:32

My cats are the same though it’s more of a not wanting to petted than preferring either of us compared to the other. Though if I’m wearing a fluffy dressing gown that soon changes and they’re on my lap in seconds purring expecting tickles! Maybe try a fluffy blanket or something to entice them hopefully DCat will realise you’re just a lovely to sit next to a receive strokes/tickles from as DP!

Avoidance · 12/07/2021 22:33

and*

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