Overwhelmed with loss despite new cat

[LostFrog]

Brought new kitten home yesterday, he’s settled in pretty well, no hiding under furniture and is sitting on ds’s lap at the moment. Ds seems happy.

I on the other hand am a mess and can’t stop crying and feeling sad about beloved cat who died suddenly in July. I knew it might be difficult but it is much worse than I thought, I thought that once he was here it would be ok but it’s not. Old cat was so affectionate and full of character and I fell massively in love with him straightaway. I feel nothing for new cat at all.

Sorry I know I need to pull myself together. He was just so perfect in every way.

It's ok, don't be so hard on yourself. It's fine to feel like this especially if the previous cat was your cat.

You did a good thing by giving a home to another cat. Maybe this cat will be DS's special cat.

Also it's not uncommon to find your feelings resurface when you get a new cat, you're still grieving in your own way.

Be nice to yourself.

It will get easier and the new one will worm their way into your affections after some time.

I do understand. I was devastated when my boy was killed last year. I went on to adopt a cat and all I kept thinking was that she wasn’t as cute/funny/lovable as my boy.
I’ve had her a year already and I adore her now and would be heartbroken if I lost her, she has her own personality totally different from my boy BUT I do still miss him. I think maybe I don’t love her as much because I’m holding back a little. I can’t believe how much his death hurt and I don’t want to feel like that again.
However, you will grow feelings for your new kitten in time, it’s early days so understandable you are still missing your cat, you are still grieving. So sorry for your loss

There is a memorial thread here if you want to add a picture and some words.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_litter_tray/3965838-The-Litter-Tray-Memorial-Thread?msgid=100223048

It took me 6 years to feel up to getting another cat when mine died. And when I did I was convinced for months I didn’t love him because he had a very different personality. Until one day he went missing and I clocked 50000 steps over a weekend looking for him! (We found him).

It’s ok to grieve what you have lost. Give yourself time. X

Ah it's really early days yet his own personality will shine through soon, give yourself time. ( I know what it feels like to lose a pet suddenly our dog of 12 years had to be pts in April we didn't even know he was ill , it's horrible ) big hugs

Some animals you just click with, like with humans. It’s hard to bear.

I still can’t rid of a wrecked scratching post, the litter trays still waiting to be washed in the utility room. It’s been nearly a year.

I think I probably shouldn’t have got another, maybe ever. I do feel about 10 times worse. It’s nice for the kids but if I’m honest I know the novelty will wear off. They adored old cat and he loved them. I’ve always said that the joy of having him outweighed the pain of losing him, but I’m not even sure about that any more. I don’t think I will ever get over it.

Haven’t even given new kitten a name.

New kitten needs caring for too so fake it till you make it & one day you’ll look at him and think “you’re a good boy”.

It will happen eventually and it doesn’t make you a bad person if it takes a while.

Sorry to hear about you losing your cat. I imagine the new arrival has very much brought up all of that loss anew. Give it time.

I'm so sorry for you losing your cat. I feel your devastation. Xx

A new kitten will not replace your other cat in your heart. Your kitten is an individual, just like your other cat was an individual. You will grow to love the new cat in time. You won't stop loving and missing the other one but one day you will be able to remember him with a smile instead of tears. (Spoken from experience)

Oh I could ( and probably did) write these words three years ago. Our cat was killed and we got another one after a week because we though- foolishly- that it might stop the grief in its tracks. It didn’t. Our new cat was so disappointing in every way. Despite being the same age and color. We decided just to concentrate on offering him the best life possible in honour of our Tommy.

Three years on now and he is as worshipped as a deity. Totally different personality ( wish I had réalised that before) but so lovely in his own way. My husband still can’t talk about Tom though, it broke his heart.

Can you think of it as your old cat sending you the new kitten to love?

I’m so sad to read your post your pain is palpable, it’s such early days with the new kitten, it’s possible that you may never love this cat as much as the one you lost and maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to love him, but at some point you will feel the affection when he does something silly or funny and that may ease your pain a little, bit by bit. How about you post a picture and we suggest names? It might make you feel a bit more of a connection with him. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely cat and hope you can find peace soon, it’s utterly heartbreaking 💐

You haven't given the kitten a name yet? How sad for your children. This is the bit when parenting that you fake it til you make it for the benefit of your kids (and ultimately for the kitten). This is a life lesson for your kids. Show them it's ok to love the new kitten whilst still loving and missing your old cat.

Fake excitement for the kitten until you feel it.

Thank you all for your replies. We have named him now.

I know there is no bringing old cat back. I also know that I have made a mistake getting a new one and I really regret it now. I actually think I have taught my children a terrible life lesson in thinking you can just replace one pet with another. I didn’t tell my mum or my sister before I got him and I think that’s very telling, because I must have known they would try to talk me out of it and I didn’t want to hear it.

I had stopped crying every day about a month ago, and now I’m back to crying several times a day.

We will look after him, of course we will.

You’ll get there, I don’t think your kids will base adult relationships on their new cat.

It will work out, new kitten will have his own quirks to fall in love with when he’s grown up.

I feel for you also so sorry you lost your boy.

Like the pp say give yourself time.
I think it's still quite raw

Be kind to yourself
Maybe tell the family how you feel

💐💐

Your pain is palpable, they do leave broken hearts when they go.
Kitten has only just arrived and it must all be a whirlwind of emotions. Don’t put pressure on yourself. I’m sure soon enough you will feel affection for him and then love. You sound like a good cat owner and he is lucky to be with you.

How you doing op?

Show us a photo of new kitten..

I was devastated when my cat died after I had her for 22 years but she was old and I stopped her suffering.
I didn't get new cat but then last year a cat arrived on our doorstep who two weeks later had kittens behind our shed. All Kittens died accept one. We then had mum and surviving kitten. The love wasn't instant but it grew and grew. When mummy cat was killed by a dog six weeks ago I could not stop sobbing for weeks and felt so sad at how her life ended so cruely. We now have her boy left and he is an absolute delight to have at home.
Give it time op play with kitten and engage with it.

Hi Lost Frog.
Your story really resonated with me as I had a very similar thing happen to me.
My beloved 15year old cat had to be put to sleep because of kidney failure, we were both devastated, but 6 weeks later we rescued a homeless street cat living on a dual carriageway in a very dangerous area.It was an emergency really, but I realised the day after that I had made a big mistake, and I'm sorry to say 4 years later I still feel the same.
He has brought nothing but trouble, was aggressive and lashed out and bit and scratched.He goes missing for weeks and has cost us a fortune in vet's bills.
I'm so sorry to be negative but just wanted to put the other side of it, and to say I do understand how you feel.
I hope you will grow to love him but it doesn't always happen.

@Clarich007

Hi Lost Frog. Your story really resonated with me as I had a very similar thing happen to me. My beloved 15year old cat had to be put to sleep because of kidney failure, we were both devastated, but 6 weeks later we rescued a homeless street cat living on a dual carriageway in a very dangerous area.It was an emergency really, but I realised the day after that I had made a big mistake, and I'm sorry to say 4 years later I still feel the same. He has brought nothing but trouble, was aggressive and lashed out and bit and scratched.He goes missing for weeks and has cost us a fortune in vet's bills. I'm so sorry to be negative but just wanted to put the other side of it, and to say I do understand how you feel. I hope you will grow to love him but it doesn't always happen.

Wow this is so sad

It is sad, I've had 6 cats over the last 40 years and have fallen almost instantly in love with them.I would love to love him, but he doesn't react to anything, and is aloof.I would not have believed i could ever feel like this about a cat, and couldn't understand stories like mine.On the other hand , my husband absolutely adores him 😺

Update.
He came home at 5am today, jumped on the bed.I put my hand out to stroke his head and say hello, he sank his teeth into my wrist !!

Hello again. Not going great. Have been playing Lots with new kitten to try to bond but feel nothing really. He sits on my lap a bit but is quite jumpy so it’s not for long. He has decided to wee and poo on my bed the last two days as well so I’m not sure he is thrilled with me either. Have tried changing litter type but am now having to shut him downstairs at night which I didn’t want to do. I think he is missing his litter mates. He isn’t eating much either, a little bit of dry royal canin but nothing else. Drinking lots.

clarich so sorry to hear your story. I guess you did the right thing though and that must be some comfort.

I freely admit that I have been a right idiot. I got the kitten from a breeder on pets4homes and to be honest I think I am being scammed. She said he had been vet checked and would send docs but I haven’t had anything yet and she is not returning my messages. I can’t believe I have been so irresponsible in my selfish need to feel better. I am going to ring the vet she mentioned tomorrow and find out if he has even been vaccinated. There’s something not right about his back legs as well, they are not quite frog legs but they do splay a lot out to the sides and he sleeps with the front ones bent back sometimes. There’s something not right, I’m sure of it.

@chocolatespiders I am so sorry to hear that, what a horrendous way to lose a pet. My heart goes out to you 💐