Probably my last night with my soul cat

[Furries]

And I just needed to put it out there how much I love him. He’s had health problems which have been well managed most of his life, but has gone downhill rapidly past couple of days.

Blood tests done this evening, vet let him come home with me as he’d be more comfortable. He’s back in the morning for an x-ray and scan - but I don’t think he’ll be coming home with me, the vet has prepared me for this.

But I’m not prepared! I mean, I will 100% do the right thing, but I was not expecting it this soon, he’s only 10. He’s curled up sleeping on my foot and my heart is slowly crumbling.

With everything else going on, I know this is a small thing - but don’t know how I’m going to cope with this.

So sorry op.

Sorry for your sad loss Furries

Thank you - am feeling completely spaced out, so am going to go to bed and hope that I sleep through until morning.

So sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

Fluffy the younger wishes to take care of you, and I think you should let him.

What a sweet picture.

Hope you managed to get some sleep and it wasn't too fretful

Your other cat is probably suffering as much as you to be fair 😭 cats are very clever and know exactly what's going on! Hope everything is ok for you all ❤️

“Fluffy the younger” gave me a small smile.

I managed to sleep which I’m so grateful for. Vaguely came to a couple of times and fluffy was right there beside me.

Woke up this morning and had that blissful first second of consciousness before your brain crashes into gear and you remember what’s happened. Coming downstairs was just horrible. Mr Wise cat not in his usual spot, filling up just one bowl of food. I just completely broke down again.

I’m not really very woo, but I went out to the decking again and there was a tiny white feather sitting there. I know it’s daft but I’ve bought it in and squidged it in with the small vial of hair from his mane that the vet gave me.

It then hit me that, although I’d asked the vet for a private cremation, I didn’t actually know how he’d be returned to me, just that it would be in a week or so. I never expected to lose one of my animals so soon, so I’ve never looked into this stuff and worked out what I’d do.

I rang the vets in a panic and they advised that it’s normally a wooden casket with his name engraved. They gave me the website for the crematorium (TBF, the pamphlet for them had been given to me yesterday, but I just didn’t even register it).

I didn’t think I could handle it being a casket or a classic urn - just thought that looking at it would make it feel too “final” re death if that makes sense? Had a look at the site and realised that they also do framed ink paw prints. Called them and he had not yet been cremated, so am definitely having his paw print - he had the most magnificent chunky paws. And for his ashes, I’ve chosen a lovely oak frame which holds the ashes inside the wooden frame and then there’s space for 3 photos - I though that would be much more comforting to look at.

Am glad I achieved that this morning, but the rest of the day so far I’ve just been feeling a bit (a lot) lost. I hope I get through it eventually, but at the moment I just want to wind the clock back to when I first got him.

The white feather is definitely a sign he's still with you in spirit.

One day at a time x

I found a white feather too. In a house with only two feather cushions upstairs that don’t shed feathers.

I’m glad you got a paw print.

My heart breaks for you. I had a puppy die at 5 months old, I was wrecked for a bit. It's only natural. I remember coming back from the vets and tidying away her toys for the last time, it was truly awful.

Now when I think of her, there's a twinge of horrible, but mainly I just think about how clever and silly she was. Sometimes I see a dog that looks similar to her, and I always make a fuss of them. I feel like she's popped back to see me.

It does get better, OP. The first few days are terribly hard.

That will be a lovely way to remember him.

One day when I have a house with a garden, I would like to plant a sapling and use my cat’s ashes to fertilise it. Maybe.

How are you getting on?.

Thank you for checking in on me. I’m not doing great - I feel completely and utterly lost. Am veering between feeling totally numb and then crying uncontrollably for ages.

Feeling horribly guilty that didn’t know he had a tumour as it could have maybe been treated before it burst. I keep picturing him as he was PTS and just can’t get the image out of my head. I miss him so bloody much, I just want him back in his usual spot which was always as close to me as he could possibly get.

Basically, I am a complete mess. I wish we had the ability to completely forget something as this pain is unbearable.

As a close friend said to me, that image will fade in time. You'll begin to remember him how he was the last 10 years, all his quirks and things that made you smile. Its raw now, but it will get better in time, even though it doesn't feel like it. Keep going, just like he would have wanted.

There was no way of knowing he had the tumour. If you’d known you would have tried to save him but you didn’t & there is no way of knowing.

A wise woman on here told me to write the first month off & that’s what I did.

It is monumentally unfair when you lose a young cat. I have a long list of humans I’d cheerfully see the back of instead of the cat.

Thanks both - am going to see a friend shortly at her house. We will be sensible and keep our distance from each other. I am single and have been unable to work for a while for health reasons, so it will be nice to have a bit of company, even if I’m a blubbering wreck.

Fluffy the younger seems a bit sad and confused. I wish I could explain things to him. They are indoor cats mainly, but have access to my large garden during the day when I’m at home - always stay in the garden, never roam. I keep worrying that he’s going to be freaked out and run away.

I am sorry you have lost your soul cat (lovely phrase, I might steal it). It's a horrible time, you will feel that there is a cat shaped hole in your life for a long while, the only thing I can recommend is to keep saying to yourself and reminding yourself that you did the kindest thing you could by taking that hard decision.

Just a thought, but depending on your circumstances it might give you comfort, I have always given a small donation in memory to a cat support group when I have lost one of mine, so that a cat who was not so lucky to have a loving , caring home could be helped. Kitten season is close, they are going to be swamped as usual and this year with things being tough for everyone they will be desperate for support.

OP, Fluffy the younger will probably be looking to you more for reassurance and comfort at the moment, so is unlikely to go far from you.

That’s actually a really lovely idea re a donation. When I’m feeling up to it I am definitely going to do that.

Thank you for the reassurance re FTY, I need to stop dreaming up horrible scenarios. He’s on the sofa with me now which he doesn’t tend to do until the dog has gone to bed. Wish we could talk to them to understand and help how they’re feeling.

Am glad I went to my friend’s house. It was cold but sunny and I got to sit and watch her school her horse. And she has 5 year old twin boys who were made up to see me. I’m not around kids much, but I adore the two of them. One of them is absolutely hilarious without realising it, so I needed that distraction today.

Thanks again all for letting me just ramble on, am hoping this will keep helping me. Am at the numb stage again this evening, which I think I prefer to the crying. Am hoping that one day in the future I can offer some words of comfort to someone else going through the same thing.

The white feather was one last present from your lovely boy.
My 15 yo cat was put to sleep a year ago, and when I came home I found 3 muddy paw prints on the floor, nearly broke my heart but I’m sure it was a sign to say he was at peace, and the feather will be the same x

The cryings better because the numbness makes you worry you didn’t love them properly but you did & they are thoroughly spoilt during their lives.

How are you getting on?. It’s an odd time anyway when you’ve lost them.

I hope you and FTY have been cuddling and comforting each other.

Hugs to you.