Desperate for a solution - cat acting out - partner threatening to get rid of her!

[lonelyonee]

I'm looking for some advice on how to improve things so that my partner doesn't get rid of one of my cats.
We have 4 beautiful kitties whom I adore immensely. The plan was never to have 4. We happily had 3 & they got along great.
Partner found the 4th in the middle of a road a few months back, we took her to the vets... no one claimed her and we just couldn't leave her there. She's such a sweet girl, but is extremely playful and vocal, and wants to play with the others a lot (which they don't always want to do).
Now 2 of my cats are fairly happy with this and get on with her very well, they play, cuddle and groom each other.
All except for my girl. At first they were all warming to new kitty the same, then it became clear my girl didn't want to know. Newest kitty cannot take a hint and approaches my girl often to play etc... my girl doesn't like this at all, she hisses, growls & runs away. Newest kitty doesn't seem deterred by this though and continues to try to interact. It's gotten to the point where my girl is visibly upset sometimes and has actually started to lash out at me and my partner.
Partner now says he's had enough and she's going. He will not listen that it's not her fault as she feels threatened & we need to figure out how to help them both cohabit peacefully. (He says she's being evil and it's hard to defend her when she's ripped his hands open on several occasions).
It's breaking my heart seeing her like this and I can't bear the thought of her not being with us. I'm completely aware this is our fault as cat parents and we need to do something but I'm unsure as to where to start. (I feel extremely guilty, and hormones don't help as I'm very pregnant right now!).
I have researched cats not getting along and the only advice I've found is re introduction but how are we supposed to implement it without ostracising one of them?
Any experience, advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Create a bolt-hole for her - somewhere cosy that she can run off to and curl up in peace. Move her feed bowl so that she is fed separately from the others. Get her checked out with the vet - you can't rule out coincidence and she may be acting out because she's in pain. Finally tell your DH that we don't chuck family members out because they are going through a bad time.

I’ve seen this situation on here before, there is something very wrong with men who think they can overrule what their partners want & get away with it.

Animals do what they have to do, humans do what they want to do.

He’s scared her, that’s why she’s felt the need to defend herself against him.

Yep, he’s the problem.

But read up on multi cat households. They need lots of places to hide and lots of litter trays. The situation sounds v stressful and that’s what she is showing.

@justcly she's got quite a few places to go but tends to not go to any of them when she wants to be left alone, instead choosing places where she can be followed which is frustrating.
I'll try the food thing, although they have never squabbled over food, and her appetite is the same as it always has been. I've actually seen her interact with new kitty very sweetly on a few occasions which is confusing.
Will book her into the vets ASAP as she is due her injections shortly anyway and get her checked over just in case.
I know... he's just angry because she's hurt him (actually drawn blood in the last few days including last night). I'm just hoping he's only saying it in anger and doesn't really mean it. Thank you.

lonely
That's really sad. Your partner is being very unhelpful to call your poor kitten 'evil' she is just unhappy with the new arrival. The way to deal with this is give her an escape route with a way to get up perhaps and away. A cat tree? But ultimately if it doesn't work, rehoming might be a plan. Having three which got on well was lucky! It's very unfair of your partner to blame your original kitten, not constructive at all and calling her 'evil' says more about him.....

I had four cats, then along came my twin cats 🤣. My youngest of the four naively found them so stressful he left home. So not being aggressive but the same level of stress. I had to coax him in every day to eat. Its taken about 5 months and now he tolerates them and I've even found them playing when he thinks I'm not looking. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Give her lots of space. If they have litter trays you need a good number of them. Feeding areas around the house. Make sure she gets fuss when alone and try and r play with the new cat too wear it out a bit. Also try plug in feliway

Your husband is the problem here.

Abuse of different kinds tends to rear its ugly head when a woman is pregnant if a man has it in him to introduce that into the home.

He is telling you the cat is evil and is trying to force you to do something against your wishes.

The accusation of a cat being evil is completely irrational and unreasonable, and you will of course try to argue that he is wrong, which he is. But he will not accept your argument, because his statements are designed to cause distress. He doesn't really mean it but he won't back down from it because he does want you put you on the back foot, and eventually he will accuse you of choosing the cat over him.

He sounds like a bully. Sorry, but I would bet money that you will find yourself defending your baby and yourself against his accusations too - that the baby is trying to manipulate you by crying, that you are creating a rod for your own back by responding to the baby, that you are not tired but hopelessly disorganised when housework starts to fall behind when you're on mat leave, and the big one - choosing the baby over him. He will create drama and you will always be stressed.

lonely
You must be feeling very stressed and it's very unhelpful that your partner isn't making a constructive contribution. If it can't be resolved, it might be a good idea to think about rehoming one of the kittens? Don't think of that as a negative necessarily, especially if your partner is resentful and not helpful

If we’d re-homed our Bengal when he first scratched us he’d have been gone at 6 months when dh went out to fetch him in & he turned into Bertie scissor paws. 3 inch gash down dhs stomach & a torn t shirt.

They don’t get to tell us what to do

Appreciate everyone's responses.
Re homing them isn't an option for me. It's basically like saying oh your child isn't well behaved so put them up for adoption in my eyes.
Yes he's being extremely unreasonable and it's frustrating as I'd rather we come to a solution to help them rather than straight to angry get rid of her. He seems to think that because she's hurt him she will be a risk to the baby. Which to me is a massive stretch and we have time before baby comes to adjust accordingly.
Also although she has lashed out at me a few times she has not gone to the extent of drawing blood like she has with him, I think he's upset about her change in behaviour towards him too (and as we know many men cannot process rejection well).
I think it's a bit of a stretch to claim he's abusive though... he's the reason we have them in the first place & he plays more with them than I can at the minute.
They have a very large cat tree in the living room and are pretty much allowed to go wherever they want. My girl is the only one confident enough to go on the kitchen cupboards (the others will not follow her up there) so she has a nice high place to go if necessary along with little hidey places dotted around.
We are due to move house the end of the month and I'm keen to make it so that there are loads of places to go for all of them (it will be bigger so this is more possible).

I just feel guilty that she isn't happy and I have to leave her for work most of the day not knowing what's happening or how they're getting along I know there's surely more I can do for them.

Re homing them isn't an option for me
Okay lonely, but if there comes a time when the kitten is very unhappy in the environment, I would suggest that is the time to prioritize the kitten's well being. Especially if your partner is angry and resentful. I hope things go well

We have this situation at the moment - our four had all got on well for three years and then two of them have massively fallen out and now hate each other overnight

One (like yours) is happy to go up on the top of the high kitchen cupboards where no other cats go so we have ended up putting a cat bed up there. She gets food and water up there too, she seems much less stressed as she knows she is safe sleeping up there and won't be bothered.

I bring her down in the evenings to sit on my lap where I can make sure she isn't bothered by the other one too much (who actually bites her if she gets half a chance!).

We're trying with reintroductions in the evening with one cat on my lap and one on DH's. Not gone well so far so we'll be introducing Dreamies into the mix to try and get the biter to make a positive association with the bitten one!

I also have the one who sleeps on the kitchen cupboards in rooms with me when I can (e.g. study if I'm working) so she doesn't feel too left out.

I understand what the PP says about re-homing but the issue we have is that both the biter and bitee(!) are very, very bonded to us so it would have to be an absolute last resort.

Have you tried zylkene capsules? You open the capsule & mix it in their breakfast & it chills them out. Amazon sell it cheaper than pets at home. You could just do the cross girl.

The youngster will get the message eventually that your other cat doesn’t want to play. Sometimes you have to let them be cats & biff each other.

Have you spent tons of money on Feliway yet? If not, do that.

Why is she lashing out at your DP? Is it entirely unprovoked or is she doing it when he tries to strike her/move her/play with her? If the latter, he can just stop interacting with her.

If we’d re-homed our Bengal when he first scratched us he’d have been gone at 6 months when dh went out to fetch him in & he turned into Bertie scissor paws. 3 inch gash down dhs stomach & a torn t shirt.

Harry would have been moved on long ago but I wear my scars with pride - he has claws and he knows how to use them! To me it's part and parcel of having a cat and if DH even suggested rehoming Harry (which he wouldn't) he'd be the one leaving.

Feliway plug ins are good, and zylkene plus you could put some rescue remedy in with their food or a few drops in their water bowl

Your husband is being a dick and therefore, on his reasoning, he should be re-homed (unable time accept rejection my arse)

Btw I have 15 cats and more scars than you can count

Unable to!

@NoSquirrels we can't afford to buy a load of stuff that essentially just masks the problem, and tbh I'd rather work to solve it, as then that is an actual solution if you know what I mean?
It happened last night when we were moving around for bed and she obviously didn't want to leave the living room. You may say oh just leave her to it but in that instance she would just cause absolute chaos in there as we've previously tried that, which keeps everyone up all night.
@wheresmymojo exactly. Although she's lashing out like this she is extremely excited when he comes home from work chatting away to him asking for fuss, even though she's my girl she is very loving with him usually.
It really makes me sad that she has such an issue

@Costacoffeeplease are the felaway things actually useful though? Maybe I need to do a little more research on them (I just feel like it would be like anti depressants for people... not necessarily solving the problem but masking the symptoms?).
Also 15?! OMG that's amazing! I'd re home all the kitties with me if I could but 4 is my limit! (People need to spay and neuter their cats if they are outdoor cats IMO, we do not need any more kittens in the world to be abandoned etc...).
Have message DP telling him to separate my girl from the others today with her own bowls etc... to see how she gets on (she probably could do with a break). He doesn't leave for work until 1ish so they aren't alone for too long as I get back around 5.15pm.

I do understand, but with 4 cats you do need to accept there will be a bit of cost to solving issues! Don’t think of Feliway etc as “masking” a problem - what it does is chill them out in the period that you are working on solving it, making it more likely you’ll be successful.

Like anti-depressants for us humans, sometimes you need something to allow your body and brain time to reset. Ideally then you work on changing the triggers/issues if your depression can be helped that way.

A stressed cat or a stressed human is hard to help! A less stressed one is easier.

When you say you were moving her out of the living room - where to? Where does she spend the night usually?

Yes feliway works or I doubt they’d sell so many of them

I don’t understand why you’re resistant to trying to help the cat using calming products?

@NoSquirrels @Costacoffeeplease only wanting to do the best for them to ensure we aren't just covering a problem instead of solving it. So really needing advice on how to create a positive relationship between the two girls.
You'll be pleased to know I've ordered a plug in which arrives tomorrow. Will hopefully also help their transition into the new house with any luck.
They have a routine where they come to bed with me when I go, all got their little favourite bedtime spots where they go once they've had a little drink, munch or a last minute litter tray visit.

Can you use a toy on a stick like Da Bird when she’s like that, if you can deflect the energy to something that can’t be hurt.

We had 4 cats at once & each fed from their own bowl. One ate in a separate room so her brother didn’t eat hers too.