What happens at the end?

[snarfblatt]

I posted previously about my poor cat who's just been diagnosed with lymphoma after months of vomiting. In the last 3 months he's lost a significant amount of weight and also stopped eating. The vet has given him steroids which can induce a temporary remission, and we have some anti sickness meds as well. Three days into the steroids there's no change, he's still not eating and continues to lose weight.

I think we're accepting now that he's probably near the end, unless he suddenly starts responding to the steroids - and even then, it would apparently only be a few months at most.

We're giving him lots of love, and I have another review with the vet next week at which I guess I'll be able to ask about next steps. But in the meantime, how will we know when he's nearing the end - and is it better to let things happen naturally or would it be kinder to have him pts? As much as I'd prefer him to be here in his home, I don't want to prolong his suffering (he's becoming noticeably slower and less energetic now but doesn't appear to be in pain, but the vomiting must be unpleasant and I imagine he feels quite weak given he's not eating).

I'm just feeling so upset for him, am dreading the moment when it comes, and am totally clueless about what happens next. I don't even know what happens to him after he's gone - we rent so can't bury him in a garden.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone in real life except my partner as I know it's inconsequential to everyone else but this is our little boy and I'm so sad for him I just want to make sure we do the right thing in his last few days/weeks (hopefully - but I think unlikely - months). Any advice or support would be gratefully received! And is there anything nice we can do to make the most of this remaining time? Planning on getting some pics of him with our DC so they remember him, make sure he has a lovely comfy safe place to sleep under our bed which is where he spends most of his time... but he's not interested in any food/treats or toys so I'm not sure what else we can do for him!

Thanks for reading.

I’m so sorry
With both my cats (one died at 16 after heart problems and partial paralysis, one at 18 after cancer) the vet did tell me when she thought it was time. Very gently and without pressure and with the understanding it was my decision. Both were PTS. Both in the vet surgery but I believe it can be possible to get someone to come to the house. It was heartbreaking but an incredibly gentle passing. Having seen humans suffer long, slow deaths and seeing the gentle passing of my cats, I really don’t know why we wouldn’t want that for humans.
Making the most of the time you have left sounds like a lovely idea. I have lots of lovely photos of my daughter with the cats. I’m crying right now but generally I can talk about them now happily.
The vet will have a partnership with a pet cremation service. There are various options, commemorative stones with ashes etc. It’s really up to you whether having something like that will help you or not.
Hope your remaining time together is lovely and special

Ah op, I feel for you - so much.

In my opinion it's much kinder to pts. It can be done at home and is very peaceful. My dcat was in my arms, and although it was distressing for me I honestly believe he was as comfortable as he could have been.

My cat was PTS at the vet, she was cuddled in my arms. Wrapped in her blanket. It was incredibly peaceful and her sister was at her side. She literally just went to sleep. Plan in advance wether you want to bring her home or have her cremated.

I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.
We had the same situation with our lovely girl last year and knowing she travelled really badly I didn't want her last moments to be awful. The vets came out to our house to see her and agreed it was time. She went to sleep being cuddled on my lap with me and DH stroking and talking to her and it was probably the most peaceful and dignified way she could have gone.
I would definitely ask if your vets can come to the house, I'll always be grateful for that.

Sorry to bring back painful memories @PeaceRiot. I'm hoping the vet will advise me next week, although at present I'm not even sure he'll make it that long - how long can they go without eating?! My partner thinks being PTS is the better option, and that doing it sooner rather than waiting around would be better. I think we'll know in the next few days tbh, by the way he's going now. I really hoped he'd make it to his 10th birthday next month

Thanks also @Threeminis and @Toddlerteaplease, I'm glad your respective cats went peacefully. I didn't realise doing it an home was an option. We're getting treatment through the Blue Cross who are based about 45 mins away in central London, our private vet is literally a few minutes' walk down the road though. How much does it cost to have them PTS (I realise this probably varies!) and presumably cremation costs too? I'm worried we won't be able to afford it, but we can't bury him without doing it illegally in a public space (eg woods, park) which I wouldn't do for obvious reasons!

Thanks @RosieposiePuddingandPi, and I'm sorry for your cat too. I'll look into home euthanasia!

I'm so sorry for you, its so heartbreaking when this time comes. Its not inconsequential at all, he's been part of your family for a long time.

Although it wont feel like it now, it does help to think about 'afterwards' in advance. When we had to let our old boy go last month I took him to the pet crematorium myself. Obviously it didn't make any difference to him but it was comforting to me to see where he was going and the staff were very kind. I brought his ashes back home the same day but they also had memorial garden areas and a cemetery for people who wanted to bury their pets (the whole set up was like a person cemetery or crematorium really, in a woodland setting so I imagine it would be nice to visit for those pet owners who couldnt have them at home for whatever reason). Could that be an option in your area? Costs will vary, but from memory, our vet pts cost was about £80 and the crematorium was about £110 but that included a specific appointment time and bringing him home the same day. I think it would have been cheaper to let the vet organise the cremation but he wouldnt have come back the same day.

Thinking of you and your boy.

Thank you @HuggedTheRedwoods - I'll see what the options are but that sounds like it was a lovely send-off for your boy. I'm sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine life without him, and am so sad that our DC won't remember him - he's been so healthy all his life that I just thought he'd be around for so much longer. Right now though I just feel so sad for him and I don't want to prolong anything that gives him pain.

Thank you all!

So sorry to hear this💐. It's a horrible thing to go through.

We had to have our 19 year old cat pts a few weeks ago as he had been suffering with cancer. He had an operation before Xmas and had a good few months but became more poorly in his last couple of weeks. He was still eating but became unsteady on his feet. We also tried a steroid but sadly it didn't work. The vet said it would work with a day or so if it was going to. He had a steroid on a Friday and seemed okay although clearly not great. Within 24 hours he deteriorated a lot, obviously not due to the steroid, he was just nearing the end. He was actually still eating but was just lying down in odd places and it was clear the time had come. He had some lovely food, we all fussed him and then we took him to be pts. The vet was so kind. They had operated on him a few months earlier and they had all fell in love with him when he had to stay overnight with them after his op. His end was very peaceful. We are still heartbroken and we miss him every day. We know it was absolutely the right thing for him but it's still very hard. We had him cremated and his ashes are buried next to his sisters in our garden. We did think about just keeping his ashes which you could do, as you said you rent, if you don't want to bury him in your garden. With regards to cost, I think to have him pts and a private cremation was about £200.

If your boy isn't eating and is staying under a bed, I think I would definitely try to see a vet in sooner than a week. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this.

@snarfblatt I don’t mind remembering my cats or even remembering the end now. It was peaceful. The vets were very kind and sympathetic, they shared memories of going through the same with their own pets. Probably it is worse to think of the time at the end with my second cat where she wasn’t eating and was just going downhill. So I would say it’s better to do it sooner rather than later, hard as it is. It would be different if there was any chance of recovery.
As for cost, I don’t properly remember the breakdown and I’m far from London so might be different. I think the actual injection itself was in the region of £50, the cremation and memorial about £200 but there were definitely cheaper options. At the end I was throwing a bunch of treatments and tests on my credit card so can’t remember individual costs. I would say don’t feel bad if you need to go for cheap cremation/burial options. That’s really something that you do for yourself. You’ve done all you could for your dear cat

@SleepingSloth so sorry to hear about your cat too. It does sound as though the steroids aren't working for our boy either. He's been out and cuddling me this evening as normal, but is a lot slower and stiller than usual. I suspect we'll be making a decision in the next few days.

As we rent it's technically illegal for us to bury him, although we could probably bury or scatter ashes somewhere. I'm a bit worried by the cremation costs as we don't have that money, but will see what the Blue Cross offer/advise.

If it weren't for the not eating and the fact I can feel every bone when I stroke him you wouldn't really know anything was wrong! He doesn't seem that different (always been a lazy boy ). But I'll see how he goes the next few days.

I'm glad you had a good experience with the vets at the end @PeaceRiot.

I think it cost about £100 including an individual cremation. But can't remember for definite. It was covered by the insurance. I also got £200 back as she was under 10. That paid Cheddar's adoption fee. I still miss Maia terribly, but Cheddar has helped immensely.

I'm a bit worried by the cremation costs as we don't have that money, but will see what the Blue Cross offer/advise.

I'm sure if you speak to them they will be understanding. Many vets offer payment plans which may be an option for you. 💐

Thanks @Toddlerteaplease, that's useful. I've looked up one place already which is a £120 cost for cremation, although another £25+ more for a receptacle for the ashes (unless they let you bring your own maybe). That's only one - I'll keep looking. And the Blue Cross may have other recommendations too.

Also planning on what to say to DC. Partner was wanting to do the whole 'he's gone away' thing plus get a new kitten immediately. Literally the exact opposite of what is recommended (and what I'd want to say/do)!! He's my first ever pet as I didn't have any growing up and I think I'll want quite a break from having pets to get over this. Also wait for DC to be a bit older and able to make the decision themselves to have a pet (or not) and be part of looking after it etc.

Thanks @SleepingSloth. We'll figure it out! Could borrow the money if needed

So sorry you're going through this OP. I understand that it's really hard to know if you're doing the right thing but be guided by your vet if you trust them.
Our vet is also a mum from school and is really kind. She came to our house when it was time for my darling ginge. He was suffering from cancer and wouldn't take the medicine (steroids in tablet form) no matter how I tried to give them and I felt he was telling me he'd had enough and wanted to go. A few days passed and I rang my vet. Lovely vet came and injected him whilst he was snuggled in my arms. She stayed about 30 minutes to check he was definitely gone and she couldn't have been more gentle with him. I let the other two cats see him and sniff him so they'd know he was gone and we buried him in a box in a deep hole in the garden and planted daffodil bulbs above him.
I think she only charged us €30 for the home visit.

You shouldnt have to buy a special box for ashes Snarf if you dont want to, any private cremation should include a standard 'scatter box'.

Our boy came back in their standard box which is quite nice really (sturdy cardboard with a name plate, with a smaller box with a name plate inside and with a little bag inside that - poor old boy ended up as a russian doll, although to be fair he would always be the first to squash himself into any size cardboard box so maybe its fitting!). I might buy a special box eventually but its not necessary to decide straight away.

Not everyone wants ashes back either and if you dont once you've thought about it, you can always opt for a communal cremation which wouldn't cost as much. I'm sorry you have to think of all this while he's still here but it will make it easier when the time comes than if you suddenly had to make very quick decisions. Give him an extra stroke from us.

Maia's ashes came in quite a nice box. She's still sitting in my cupboard as the friend who's garden I was going to scatter them in, is having it done up. It feels nice to have her still with me though. I thought I'd be ok when I went to collect her ashes, but I was in bits when they have me the box.

Tell your DC the truth. Get a new cat only when it feels right. I never we planned to get one so soon. But the right one came along and I took her home 10 days after Maia's death. She has helped so much and Maia's sister is so much happier. I've not had an uninterrupted nights sleep since adopting her but that's another thread!

Thanks so much everyone, you're so helpful. He's eaten a tiny bit of food overnight and seems to have a bit more energy so I'm hopeful the steroids might actually be kicking in! But either way it's good to start thinking about what happens when the inevitable happens, whenever that is.

Sorry to hear about your boy, I remember your previous thread.

My senior girl was PTS in March. Our vet said she tells people you will know when it's time -- and that most people who wait, regret waiting too long so a little early is better than waiting until the cat is completely miserable. Better a week too early than a day too late as they say... I feel I could have waited longer with my girl before making that decision but don't regret the timing at all as I knew she was only going to decline and with her feisty and independent personality, it was better to let her go when she still had some quality of life.

I took her to the vet clinic for euthanasia, I booked it a few days in advance for a quiet time of day to make it as stress free as possible. The vet used their second consulting room and then let me stay after with my girl if I wanted to when she went to see other patients in her usual consulting room. All the staff was really lovely and attentive, I was asked if I wanted a hot drink or a glass of water, and one of the nurses gave me a hug after and said I did the right thing. I got a sympathy card from them a week later.

You can also choose a communal cremation in which case you won't get the ashes back but they are scattered at the pet cemetary/remembrance garden place the crematorium has... Or if you choose an individual cremation and to get the ashes back, they can return them in a cardboard tube which is cheaper than a wooden or ceramic urn.

Thank you @viccat, and I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl. He's still not eating but seems pretty much normal most of the time, so I know what you mean about thinking we could just keep going - I don't want him to suddenly decline even further and be miserable but equally don't want him to go too soon! Appointment at the end of this week so I'll see how he goes before then.

I would have him PTS sooner rather than later. In fact the next time he stops eating you should have it done then. I'm sure the Blue Cross won't charge much. Cremation can be very cheap. Most vets I'm sure, and certainly all welfare organisations, will offer communal cremation. So you don't get any ashes back and all the animals from each week say are cremated at the same time. I'm not sure what we charge for this but it's probably in the region of £20

Thanks @thecatneuterer The last couple of days he's started nibbling at his food again which is promising! I'm going to ask the vet on Friday about our options and next steps - I don't want to prolong his suffering but equally if he's not suffering I don't want to make a decision we'll regret!

Sorry to hear about your cat :-(
My beautiful Maine coon was put to sleep a few weeks ago. I could barely speak to the vet when I arrived at the appointment as I was so devastated. She was very kind though and talked me through what would happen. I had to sign some paperwork and she then took my cat to another room to shave his paw and get everything set up. I sat in a little private waiting area for 20 mins while this was all going on (a room away from the main waiting area which meant I could have a good cry). When the vet called me back in my cat was lying on his side and was sedated from the first round of injections. The vet said he would still be able to hear my voice so I gave him a stroke and told him how much I loved him. The vet then put the final injection into his paw and he was gone about 2 seconds later. I was an emotional wreck but the procedure had been done as peacefully as it possibly could be. I paid to have him cremated individually and received his ashes in a nice box with plaque a few weeks later.
It’s one of the hardest things to do to say goodbye to a furry best friend. He will be at peace though and you will be heartbroken but glad you made the right decision to end his suffering x

snarfblatt I'm so sorry you're having to make this decision

Sometimes people and animals seem to get better after an illness, but then relapse; it's called the swan song.

When I had to make the decision for my brave rescue cat Max, it was very hard, but after a long illness it was for the best. The vet let me cuddle him, and I held him the whole time so he died peacefully in my arms. He tucked his head under my chin, just like always and just stopped.

For me what was surprising harder as I hadn't considered or planned for, was leaving him there; it felt 'wrong' and I had his empty carrier, and blanket, and treats.
It's the odd things that catch your heart.

Hope all goes well.