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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

Original poster

Son and DH wants cat but...

88 replies

Weightsandmeasures · 19/01/2019 18:14

Hi all

My son and DH would like to get a pet cat. They love cats. I don't. My main concern is germs. I know cats are clean and clean themselves regularly but they do roam about outside, walking in all sorts - people's spit, dog poo, etc.

We agreed to buy a cat around spring time and I am dreading it. I have OCD regarding germs but I don't want my condition to deprive them of a pet. I grew up with pets. The rest of my family love them but people spitting in public and mess all over the place was not typical where I come from. Here in the suburbs in London, people are not averse to spitting all over the sidewalk, snort, dog poo, and the rest.

My question: are there any products on the market that cleans the cat paws as it re-enters the house through the cat flap?

Any tips or advice that would reduce my worry would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
drspouse · 20/01/2019 19:39

(It's just that, having just got a cat - all those things are potentially much more messy and germ ridden than a cat. I'm not great with poo and that applied to the DCs too, sadly our DD has long standing constipation, but I coped, the cat is no worse, I'm also really bad with vomit but so far DCs are way way ahead on that!)

Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 20/01/2019 21:54

Drsspouse I do allow him to do all these things and he goes to his friends housed and his friends come over. The shoe rule and hands rules apply when they come in. The only time I get stressed out is when his friends have a cold and they sniffle and wipe their noses with the back of their hands. That really drives me crazy and I secretly pray for the time to pass so they can leave and I can wipe down the areas they touched.

We go camping, we take walks in the woods. He loves painting and he helps me make cakes, etc.

OCD manifests itself in different ways. I've lived with it for 25 years now and I am much better now than before) if you can believe that). It all started when I came to the UK and witness people spitting all over the sidewalks, people wiping snort on train seats, picking noses and wiping them on bus and train poles, the list goes on. It freaked me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 20/01/2019 21:59

Wolfie, friends visit, his friends visit. Our friends know the rules. I don't allow shoes in my house. I have washable covers over the kitchen chairs that go into the wash when they leave. I have throws on the sofas that go into the wash after they leave.

I've been like that for more than 25 years and I just get on with it. I don't find it difficult to live with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 20/01/2019 22:01

I have a very busy job and lots to do over the weekend so I am not entertaining friends and family every week or weekend. I may have more washing than normal but hey.

OP posts:
drspouse · 20/01/2019 22:03

Gosh, I really don't think those sound like things that are either normal or that don't interfere with your or your family's life.
What's it saying to your DS about his friends or other visitors if you can't even bear to sit on a chair they've sat on?

drspouse · 20/01/2019 22:04

Gosh, I really don't think those sound like things that are either normal or that don't interfere with your or your family's life.
What's it saying to your DS about his friends or other visitors if you can't even bear to sit on a chair they've sat on?

Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 20/01/2019 22:24

Thanks for you concern. I don't have a problem with my OCD and neither does my family. At least not fir now. I've lived with it for more than 25 years and happy to continue that way. I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything that I'd want to do. I'm doing well in my career, I play competitive sports most weekends, I visit friends, they visit me. Same for my son. It has affected my career, my hobbies or my son indoor or outdoor activities. My DH and I never row over my habits. None of my friends are offended as I explain exactly what the issue is.

I appreciate the concern. I genuinely do but I'm okay with it and my family are fine also. My son may say otherwise as he grows up. I'll cross that bridge at that time.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/01/2019 22:53

Bit late then.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/01/2019 23:21

My view is that unless people are experts in respect to OCD (or at least know what it is) then they really should not judge. It sounds like the OP lives with a chronic affliction that she knows and understands and deals with in rational ways. There are children living with parents who are immunosuppressed who can't have friends home at all, or who must stay in particular rooms if they do visit. Somehow, I suspect people would be more understanding here.

Sorry it prevents your family from getting a cat OP and you from knowing the joys of cat slavery, but you've made the best choice in the circumstances. It's not just messy paws ... it's the way they go for a long and enthusiastic bum-licking session (with slurpy noises if you are lucky), stopping part way through to look you in the eye to make sure you are watching - and then come over, jump on your lap and give you smooches on your face. :).

FamilyOfAliens · 20/01/2019 23:30

The whole endless round of washing, wiping, changing of clothes and so on sounds so sad for your family and totally exhausting.

If it’s been going on for 25 years I’m not surprised they say nothing. There probably isn’t much point. But in your shoes I would be seeking some sort of resolution - you can even get CBT online now. I wouldn’t be expecting my family - especially children - to live with such unnatural routines and not trying to do something to change it.

PinkSquidgyPig · 20/01/2019 23:58

Oh heck, don't get a rabbit either. Their pee is terrible. Like acid on the floor in the kitchen. I've never been able to get rid of it entirely. Despite hours of viscous scrubbing, and they knaw st the skirting boards. Much harder work then cats if you are going to look after them properly.
A fish, maybe. But iOS advise against it. Bloody tanks are a nightmare to keep clean. All that fishy water splashing about the bathroom, and I'm not OCD. In fact I'm barely houseproud ...

thecatneuterer · 21/01/2019 00:35

I'm glad you're being sensible about the pet thing OP.

Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 21/01/2019 00:41

Familyofaliens, there isn't a whole endless rounds of washing. We probably reuse used clothes less than most people (I don't know). Some of you are hell bent on seeing this as a problem. It is not to me nor my family or friends. I'm not in denial either. Yes, I've lived with it for 25 years and no my DH and son hasn't been living with it for 25 years. I have. I met my DH only 9 years ago.

Please don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine. I'm amused how adamant some of you are to see a big problem when I don't.

I'm not going to the doctors and my family and I are fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 21/01/2019 00:50

Grin Spartacus. Animals are clever.

PinkSquidgy, I think I could deal with a fish and cleaning a fish tank because I can manage and contain the mess. Less likely to control a cat unless it's barricaded in a small area which would defeat the purpose of having a pet and would be cruel.

We can't have a pet and thank you to all who helped me understand the reality of having a cat. Neither my son nor my husband has factored in the cleaning and mess that comes with a cat. On their heads it just a furry ball of fun, cuddles and love. I'd be left cleaning the mess and going bonkers.

Thanks catneuterer

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/01/2019 09:47

Is there any way that your DS can connect with animals outside the home? Cat cuddling? Walking a dog with a neighbour? I was never allowed animals but always found that neighbours' cats gravitated my way ...

drspouse · 21/01/2019 09:58

The thing is, you don't see this elaborate set of routines as elaborate, out of the ordinary etc. but we from the outside can see that it is.

LegalEaglesNeeded · 21/01/2019 10:21

I used to have OCD, in fact, I still have it because I think once you have it you are always in danger of slipping back into the routines again when you are under stress. In 30 years I haven’t so far but the temptation is always there. I had elaborate cleaning and wiping routines, wouldn’t touch things with my hands etc. It is a prison for you and your family, however much you’ve all adapted to it. It is unfair on your child in particular for you not to seek help and treatment.

For me, once I realised it is IMPOSSIBLE to live in a sterile or wholly clean environment, I was able to recover. We breathe other people’s air and germs every day, we touch things without realising that have been touched by thousands of other people. It also helps to think about how filthy conditions were in the past - even for rich people - yet a surprising amount still lived and thrived.

Please seek help. It’s not normal to ask your child’s friends to wipe hands etc and he will eventually start to feel embarrassed by it. What will happen when he has friends who are teenagers and you get out a cloth? I get that it’s frightening to face these things but it will be worth it in the long run, honestly.

FamilyOfAliens · 21/01/2019 17:15

Yes, I can see you don’t think it’s a problem or something you need to try to resolve so that your family don’t have to adhere to the same routines you do. It’s that aspect I feel isn’t normal, but again, after 25 years of it, I can see why it’s normal to you.

Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 21/01/2019 20:27

My husband knew my "routines" before we married. It's not something that I hide. It doesn't bother me and people are free to make their choices to be around me or not. He chose to ask me to marry me will full knowledge and understanding, including experience of being around me.

I will not be seeking help and my OCD is not a stress response. LegalEagle sorry to hear that your OCD is triggered by stress. I can imagine this isn't easy for you but your experience is not mine.

Spartacus, yes and just Friday gone he was playing around with his friends little dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 21/01/2019 20:38

On the matter of a dog, is it easier to keep it clean in terms of the mess it brings into the house (eg on its paws)? I imagine it is possible to clean its paws upon entering the house after its walks?

Once it's indoors, is it mainly the fur to deal with?

OP posts:
drspouse · 21/01/2019 21:29

Your DS doesn't choose to live with you.
Your behaviours are irrational and frankly weird. You are going to isolate your DS from his friends.

Wolfiefan · 21/01/2019 21:30

When the dog has rolled in mud (or worse) and is filthy and it’s still raining heavily? Not so easy. And if it is sick or has an accident on the floor?
I don’t think a pet is right for you at the moment and I can’t believe you think it’s fair to impose your routines on a child instead of attempting to get help.

Original poster
Weightsandmeasures · 21/01/2019 22:01

Drspouse and wolfie, I'm intrigued by why you are so obsessed by my OCD. I don't wish to psychoanalyse you but I am finding your insistent quite interesting. You see overly invested, why is that?

I have tried to save you the bother but you seem unable to let go. If any behaviour is out of the ordinary, it's yours.

I really am not going to seek any help as I am perfectly at peace with my situation and it does not bother me nor those who are my friends or family. I live with it and manage it. I can't think of anything I am missing because of it. I even find time to volunteer in a school for children with disabilities.

I have tried to justify myself to you in the hopes that you will feel assured I am fine and to quell your anxiety but you seem unable to accept that I am not and will not allow you to impose yourself and your thoughts on me. It's not going to happen. I know myself and those around me better than you. Period!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/01/2019 22:15

Good luck with that. I hope your son has the pet he wants one day.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 21/01/2019 22:25

I can't think of anything I am missing because of it.

I can think of something your son is missing because of it - a cat.

'It' is the reason for you not to get a cat, and yes, it is a mental health issue. Your denial actually makes you sound more unwell, and I speak from a place of a fellow sufferer who has had extensive CBT. I see how far away from reality you are hiding because I've been there. The cat paws would not make you sick or spread the imaginary 'germs' around your home. Clothes worn outside are not dirty. There is no need to change them. etc etc.

You say it's not a stress response, but covering up chairs and sitting around itching to clean a spot a child has touched sounds pretty stressful to me.

I think your husband is being negligent to let you involve your son in your irrational routines, and is not doing you any favours either. The only way to get better (and it is an illness, no matter how deep in denial you are) is to start facing up to your imagined fears, not going to lengths to avoid them. It is affecting your family and this will only get worse for them.