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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

If, entirely hypothetically, your dh said you couldn’t get a cat

53 replies

HeffalumpsDaughter · 15/12/2018 14:48

Circumstances are dh works away Monday-Friday. He does no housework so the feeding and cleaning of it wouldn’t be his problem. Dc1 is autistic and has been having a truly awful time with bullying lately. He has always wanted a cat as a friend and we regularly drive a 2.5 hour round trip so that dc can go and see my friends cat and have a chat with it. Dh has no allergies, just doesn’t like the idea of animals in the house. He also thinks it will mean his dm will no longer come and stay as she’s ‘allergic’ (she has basically kidnapped her neighbours cat though and it lives at her house half the week).

I’m very tempted to have a stray cat turn up on our doorstep that we simply can’t let out in the terrible weather. Would this make me an awful person? Dh and I are almost at separation stage as it is so this may well be the final nail in the coffin. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 15/12/2018 16:45

I could quite happily replace my dh with a cat 🐱 or two 🐱 🐱

Coyoacan · 15/12/2018 16:45

A cat will be wonderful for your ds. My dd was an only child and used to tell the cat all her problems.

Ollivander84 · 15/12/2018 16:45

My friend buys all the same colour horses. She swears blind this isn't so her DH doesn't notice

Rockbird · 15/12/2018 16:45

After 20 years of marriage to DH, who absolutely refused to consider cats and a MIL who is allergic, I put my foot down and we got two cats a couple of months ago. And who is the cat daddy? Yep, DH. He's totally stolen my cats .

Get your cats. If the care of them falls to you and he's not allergic then really he can't object.

Stoppedat1 · 15/12/2018 16:49

Get the cat but only if you are going to post pictures ;-)

LEMtheoriginal · 15/12/2018 16:50

My DP is genuinely miserably allergic to cats. There are times...... however we have dogs bastard terriers so not possible anyway.

I do believe my life is slightly less due to no cat but i get my fix at work (vet nurse).

In your circumstances I'd get the cat and im not even joking a little bit.

startingafresh1 · 15/12/2018 16:50

Cats don't smell, unless they have an unchanged litter tray or aren't housetrained.

Mumsnut · 15/12/2018 16:50

As someone on here memorably said, he'll be peeling its mice within the week.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2018 16:52

I agree with those who have said to sort out your marriage first, be that separating or not. I think anything else would be a bad move.

startingafresh1 · 15/12/2018 16:54

Hahaha mumsnut I've never heard that but I love it.

We got a puppy and a kitten at almost the same time almost two years ago. DH never expected to love Dcat as much as Ddog but he totally does. In fact he puts up with far more mischievous behaviour from Dcat than he ever would from Ddog.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/12/2018 16:55

Sort out your marriage first and where you might live after separation if it happens as well as how much spare cash you will have. Otherwise you might end up needing to re home and this will not be fair on anybody.

moredoll · 15/12/2018 16:58

Cat. Your DH should prioritise his son. Female, short hair, lighter coloured will be better for your MIL's allergy. She could take antihistamines and you could hoover before she comes.

If it's for your son I'd get a kitten and do a lot of preparation about how to look after a kitten before she comes.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 15/12/2018 17:29

Cats are amazing and I think your husband might like it more than he thinks he would. A cat that's around a year or so old maybe even older would have a known personality so you know they're likely to be the right cat to be a wee furry friend for your son.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/12/2018 17:50

Get a cat. DH knows I wouldn't have even gone out with him, let alone married him if he'd said no to a cat! Our previous flat wasn't suitable and I said the only way I would move was if it was to a quiet road with a garden for my cat.

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/12/2018 17:55

I think you need to sort your life out first and then think about the cat afterwards. It's really mean to get a pet that is unwanted from the get-go.

greenlynx · 15/12/2018 18:09

I don’t think it’s fair to make a decision which affects everyone in the house on your own.
^ This.
I love cats and attitude to cats was on my check list for future partner at the very top but you all need agree to this.

Original poster

HeffalumpsDaughter · 15/12/2018 20:08

The pet isn’t unwanted though sassitude. It’s very much wanted by me . Dh is here for 48 hours a week and spends most of that out cycling.

I wouldn’t get a kitten. One of my dm’s friends is going to have to move into assisted living accommodation in the next few months and can’t take her cats with her. She has 6 (!) and I know she’d be very happy for us to have 1 (or 2).

If dh and I split up (even more likely after today but that’s a whole other story) I would stay wheee I am with dc’s so moving wouldn’t be an issue.

OP posts:

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 15/12/2018 20:14

I wanted to get a cat, DH has always been more of a dog person.

We compromised, and got three.

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/12/2018 20:19

It's not wanted by your DH who still currently lives there, though. So not wanted by all.

If you are allergic to cats, vacuuming doesn't really help as it doesn't pick up all the allergens.

AnnaMagnani · 15/12/2018 20:25

DH told me he didn't like cats and was weird about animals in the house - had been brought up on animals being dirty.

It was clear I came with cats.

It's been a journey but he now sleeps with one cat on the bed and one in the bed this cat is weird I agree that most people who think they don't love cats just haven't been given the chance.

However if you are getting rid of the DH, just get the cat.

SummerGems · 15/12/2018 20:25

If a poster came on here to say that her husband had brought home a cat despite her insistence that she refused to have one in the house people would be telling her that he was irresponsible and that she should rehome it while he was out.

In fact there was a poster recently whose dh got a puppy without her say-so and the puppy had been rehomed within a couple of days.

You would be totally irresponsible to get a cat if he has categorically said no. And no, getting an animal for a child is far more irresponsible even than getting one when an adult has said no.

And if your marriage is really in question (although I do wonder if you’re saying that so that mn’ers will take your side) then you need to think very carefully about getting animals at a time when you might have to move into rented accommodation and have to rehome the cat again.

I absolutely love cats but A, my last cat was killed on the road a few streets away from my house which has put me off, and B, I have some significant medical issues at the moment which mean that getting any more animals right now would be a bad idea.

If my dp brought home a cat I would throw him out.

Original poster

HeffalumpsDaughter · 15/12/2018 21:23

summer I’m not trying to say anything to get anyone to take my side. If I didn’t care what the general opinion was I wouldn’t have asked .

Dh is here for 48 hours a week, isn’t allergic to cats and his parents visit for maybe a total of 10 days a year Iin two blocks (and I severely doubt his dm is allergic anyway as she has her neighbours cat in the house whenever we visit).

I’m not sure it is the same as getting a puppy when your partner doesn’t want one. I’ve never had dogs but I’ve read enough threads on here comparing puppies to newborns. Having an adult cat in the house who is already litter trained and that you have no responsibility to feed, clean or engage with at all surely can’t be that traumatic?

Also I’m not sure why it’s irresponsible to get a pet for a child. I’m hardly going to expect my 6yo to feed and clean up after it. I would be entirely responsible for it. It would just (hopefully, unless we end up with a psycho cat like my dm has) be something he can talk at and stroke sometimes.

OP posts:

InSightMars · 15/12/2018 21:27

You didn't read the update did you Summergems? OP says DH is there two days a week and spends most of that time out anyway. And, in the event of a separation, OP won't be moving.

I'm going with it's OP's call to make. She's the one there all the time apparently shouldering the full burden of caring for a SN child and if she thinks it will help lighten that load, even just a little, to get a cat then DH can fuck himself suck it up for the limited amount of time he's actually in the home.

onitlikeacarbonnet · 15/12/2018 22:04

I’ll start by saying I haven’t RTFT.
Get the damn cat.
My stbxh (at least I hope he’s stb as the wanker said he’d pay for the divorce 2 years ago and I’m still fucking waiting) told me we couldn’t get a cat as he was allergic. Once in a while I would bring up the idea again but he was adamant.
It always bothered me because he’d had a cat with his ex. When he left me and moved in with the ow (and her cat) I realised it had only ever been yet another example of his controlling behaviour.
When dc and I settled into our new home we rescued a gorgeous, timid little one year old cat and when the dc asked why we hadn’t had a cat before I told them their dad had said we couldn’t because he was allergic.
Even at 5 and 7 they figured out he’d made it up as his gf has a cat.

Anyway, I wish I’d got her years ago. And got rid of the lying cheating bastard instead. She keeps me company when the dc aren’t here and at times (like the first time dc were away for more than a weekend and last Xmas when I hardly saw them at all) has been the only reason I’ve got out of bed in the morning.

Get the cat.

BringItOn88 · 15/12/2018 22:05

Mine told me I couldn't get one...so I got two

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