What helps when your cat dies please

[FatBallsAndSunflowerSeeds]

My other thread Constipated cathttp://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thelitterr_tray/3233360-constipated-cat

Our cat was put to sleep suddenly yesterday as she was found to have untreatable cancer throughout her stomach. Her body is still at the vets. I have contacted a local pet crematorium but they're not open today. I think I want to see her first and have her ashes. I couldn't face putting her in the ground plus we have foxes.

Please tell me what has helped you cope. I feel like I'm going mad, dh and ds are also devastated. I woke up during the night and started having a panic attack but managed to stop it. I'm dreading tonight because I won't be able to sleep again. Everything is worse in the night and I have anxiety about death anyway. I sleep alone because dh snores.

Her name was Minnie and she was lovely. We had her for 9 years. She was my dad's cat and when he died she came to live with us. When she'd been living with us for a few weeks she went missing and we were so worried- a few days later we went to check at my dad's house (about a mile away) and she ran down the garden meowing and hungry. After that she stayed very close to home, rarely even leaving our garden.

I can't bear to think I'll never rub her ears and hear her purr again.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's devastating.

Our circumstances are different but we have chosen not to have him home, either before or after cremation. It's a bit hard to put into words but he's already gone and what's left isn't him IYSWIM so I have no interest in it beyond preserving his dignity. If we do get some ashes back we're going to scatter them where he liked to go hunting exploring, in a circle of life kind of way. We spent some time with him after he had died and said goodbye to his physical form then.

Do you have other photos of her? Do print them, and look at them often. Especially if they are very her: maybe you took a picture when she fell asleep on the clean washing or something, and you've never printed it because you don't want a photo of your washing. But that kind of thing captures them so well.

It may take time to be ok, and that's ok. Be kind to yourself and don't work to anyone else's grief timetable (beyond you and DH, that is) if it doesn't suit you.

We lost our beautiful boy cat at Christmas. It was sudden and he was still relatively young. The grief is very real. This one hit me really hard and we are not replacing him in a hurry. Don't let anyone tell you this is just an animal. They leave paw prints on our hearts.

Be kind to yourself.

What a beautiful cat. I am so sorry for your loss.

I had to take my elderly cat to the out of hours vet last Christmas no to be put to sleep after a sudden sharp decline overnight on Christmas Eve. It was awful, and I do relate to everything you say.

I had an individual cremation for him (the vet arranged it, and I now have his ashes. I bought a wooden urn which is beautifully carved into the shape of a sleeping cat. The ashes are in that, sealed with an engraved metal plate. It is displayed on my hall windowsill (his favourite perch), which comforts me, as I feel he is still where he liked to be and hasn't really left us.

Also my DD3, who is 15 now and a very good artist (expected A* for GCSE this summer) spent all of Christmas night doing a painting from a photo we had of him when he was young and vibrant. It is a brilliant likeness, so I had it framed and DH put it up on the wall next to the cat ornament. It is a great memorial, and I really do realise how lucky I am to have DD3's painting.

Remember the good times, the funny times, the mischievous moments etc. Perhaps have a nice photo framed, and in time you might be able to display it in your cats favourite spot in the house.

for you. I know it is very hard.

My mom came round today and we talked and cried together, she loved Minnie too. It must be so much worse to go through this with no-one to share it with, I am so lucky to have my family. I am trying to concentrate on the positives in my life.

We visited the pet crematorium today and it was so lovely. They obviously care deeply for the pets they care for, and the man was so kind and I think he will treat my beautiful girl well. We looked at the chapel of rest which was just like a human one, with flowers and candles and a lovely bed that she will be laid on for us to see her for the last time. I know that will be so hard but I need to do it to move forward.

We chose a picture frame that opens up and contains the ashes, with a name and date plaque. We also chose a wooden plaque, the kind you hang on a door handle, on which we can have her pawprint and a message of our choice. I don't know what to put on it yet, what do you think?

They are collecting her tomorrow from the vet. I feel angry towards the vets (maybe part of grief) and will be glad she is somewhere else with kind people. Then we will view her, then the cremation will happen, and a day or so later she will come home with us to be by the fire where she loved to be. I have a photo of her lying by the fire and I think I will print it and put that in the frame.

I am in bed now with dh and our dog, I don't care about snoring anymore! I hope that will stop the panic when I wake.

I am still telling myself-
She was very loved
Nobody hurt her
She was given lovely food
She had lots and lots of fuss and cuddles
She had a good life.

Thank you all for your stories, it helps so much to hear them

I hope no-one minds me keep posting on this thread. It really helps me to come back and re-read your replies when I'm struggling.

I woke up during the night but didn't panic or cry, just felt terribly sad. This morning I feel strangely flat. I suppose this means I am moving along the grief process. DS did say something that made me cry though and it felt good to do so rather than awful iyswim. He vlogs on YouTube and he told me he was watching some videos of her from Sunday and he was sad, especially when he heard her meow. I can't watch them yet.

His lovely girlfriend drew a portrait of Minnie a while ago that sits on our mantelpiece. It really captured her personality. I will take a photo and share it with you.

My lovely Minnie. I'm crying again, I miss her so much.

That's a great drawing. I'm sure the videos will give you comfort in time. And of course you must post here as often as you want/need.

Minnie is so like my 20 year old cat who was PTS 5 years ago. I felt like I'd never get through the grief of losing him, (he was the cat love of my life), and even now the tears come. It took me about 3 years before I could even say his name without getting tearful and 4 years before I could look at photos of him. Keep coming back here and we'll helpful you through

Thank you. I have made a pet memorial online at Blue Cross as WingsOnMyBoots suggested and made a donation. All these things are comforting me.

20 years old, what a great age want! How hard that must have been Sorry for all of you who have lost pets.

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your cat. One thing that really helped me, was the kindness that the vet / the pet crematorium place and even work colleagues showed me. Sadly some people think 'it's just a cat', but until you lose 'just a cat' who you loved dearly, the pain is like no other. Having lost my Father last year and having had to put my cat down 4 years ago for kidney failure, I can genuinely say both were exceptionally painful for very different reasons.

It also helped that I felt in 'control' of things. The vet took my cat away afterwards (I wanted a house visit in the end) and communicated the whole way through the process, e.g. when he had arrived at the crematorium, when things had happened, when I could expect him back.... everything hurt, and every time I was 'OK' and I got an email saying something... I cried, but it was something that was necessary.

I had a few friends ask 'When are you going to scatter the ashes?' and I said I wasn't ready. 4 years on, he's still 'sat' on the cabinet in the living room and I don't want to scatter them anywhere - so I would suggest not making any decisions based on what others think or what others suggest... it's completely up to YOU and what YOU want or feel, there is no wrong or no right.

It took me 2.5 years to be able to talk about putting him to sleep without crying, it might take you months, or even years to be able to talk about your darling cat without crying...... that's completely OK. I had the 'guilt' (completely misplaced) of having to make the decision to put him to sleep and kept thinking 'What if he would have been OK for another week, or month? Have I ended his life prematurely?' I think all kinds of thoughts are totally normal and I'd just say to you that if you do feel guilty - be kind to yourself and know that noone else blames you as you did what you did out of pure love.

I hope you are feeling as well as you possibly can today and if possible, take care of yourself.

That is a lovely portrait of her. You will treasure that just as I treasure the painting my DD did of our cat at Christmas.

As others have said, it really does take time. I am nearly 5 months on now and can still get tearful. Take all the time you need and be kind to yourself. Pets are valued family members. They are part of our lives for all of those years so when they die it can be really hard. Nobody should ever underestimate that.

Thank you both. So many of us have experienced this pain, I really hadn't realised how bad it could be.

Fluffy I was hesitant to say this before as I thought people might find it tasteless, but I have found the death of Minnie far worse than those of my father or my dear grandparents. I think with people they sometimes have treated you hurtfully from time to time, my Dad particularly. But Minnie never gave me anything but love and comfort.

I do feel terribly guilty although the rational side of me knows I did my very best, she must have been uncomfortable, and I made the kindest decision for her. I just long to have her for one more day.

FatBallsAndSunflowerSeeds Something I think I've realised as you get older (ha! I sound ancient), is that 'you feel how you feel'.

My Father only passed away last September, yet I can already talk about the day it happened and actually managed to write and deliver his Eulogy a few weeks later in the Crematorium.

I genuinely don't think I would have been able to do that with my cat - Even now I can feel sad from time to time, however I do think my guilt isn't there as much as I can look at things from a more subjective viewpoint, e.g. He had lost so much weight, when the vet came to put him to sleep she said she could smell his litter tray (apparently that's also a warning sign) and he just wasn't happy.

My Dad and I didn't have the best relationship in the world and to be fair, my cat was an absolute arsehole (urinated constantly EVERYWHERE, destroying 3 houses over 8 years), however I loved both in my own way.

I honestly believe that what we, and so many other pet owners have done is the most unselfish thing possible - Unfortunately my parents weren't able to do that and they didn't take their 19 year old cat to the vet, despite her struggling (I wasn't living at home and didn't know this until afterwards). She died, probably in pain - because my parents were trying desperately to not have to deal with the pain of losing her.

However I guess that pain will always occur at some point, so why prolong any suffering? We'll always want 'one more day', but when it comes at a cost of pain... That's when you need to say 'No, this isn't right'.

One thing my partner and I have always agreed - When we take our cat to the vets, the only mantra we need to have is 'Whatever is the best for our cat' so even if we don't want him to have an operation / be given drugs / be put to sleep (potential in future, who knows?) we must do what's best for him, regardless of how that makes us feel.

The pain is real and all you can do is take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

OP, so sorry to hear your loss. rip little Minnie.

I lost my boy last year, not far off making that decision with my girl and it's heartbreaking. Firstly, I'd say allow yourself to grieve, if you have a wobble or tears allow yourself to do so. I know it doesn't make up for it, but try and keep yourself busy and I found getting myself out of the house for a couple of hours helped. Try and hold onto all the good times you had and the fact she had a lovely home with people that loved her and gave her everything she needed and she was yours.

We had Toby cremated and he came back in a little wooden box which has an engraved pattern on. At the time I was going to bury him in the garden as he loved the outdoors, but I've kept him on the side as we walk into the living with all his family, so give yourself time to think over the next stage.

My boy died last June at 19, I was devastated and it took me a good month before I felt anywhere near better and I still miss him so much . It's ok to be sad and cry , it will ease will time x

We had our cat cremated separately and then had a remembrance of her with the family, before scattering her ashes on her favourite places in the back garden. We also made a photo album of her life with us.

Time is the best thing, and eventually you might feel ready for another cat, who cannot replace your cat, but they need a home and fill the place with their own personality.

only time 😰

It's so sad isn't it. I'm lucky DH feels the same way, we've cried together several times today already. The last time was when we talked about the message we want on the plaque.

DH phoned the vet and they told him she has been collected by the crematorium people. When he told me this my stomach lurched as I realised she must really be dead then, and not still alive at the vets by some mistake. Christ that felt horrible.

I'm cooking a chicken that I bought for her. Every time I opened the fridge I saw it and it hurt my heart to know she wouldn't be eating it. She loved a plate of roast chicken. She always knew when I had roast chicken on a plate in the fridge and would stand by the fridge meowing and refusing her cat food!

Hi OP I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I know the pain- I was devastated when my cat passed away. It was 6 years ago and i still think about him. I found the best things for me were to cry it out and then make a list of all the memories I had of him. I wrote all the nicknames I had for him, his funniest moments, our best cuddles, our favourite games etc. Sometimes when im having a good clean and tidy i find the list and occasionally read it and it always brings a smile to my face.

I'm so sorry OP . It's such a sad thing. I still get emotional about a cat I had pts 10 years ago. The sadness never goes away, but it does get easier to deal with. After I lost my Amber, I thought I could still hear her in the house for months. I was heartbroken and vowed never to get another pet again as I would be choosing to put myself through that loss again one day. My resolve didn't last long though. I adopted 2 litter brothers about 6 months later. I now have 7 cats in total. They haven't replaced her but they have helped x

It's horrible. For my daughter's sake, I cleared up and removed all our lovely old girl's bits around the house the same day. Being a grown up was particularly hard that day and for a long time afterwards.
It sounds like your cat had a lovely life and was cared for very much. You did a brave thing and the kindest thing.
Bloody "time" will be the thing that helps you. And it will.

Aw love, I feel so sad reading this. I'm dreading the day my little bundle of fluff has to be PTS, I'll miss him so much, he's been such a great friend to me. I don't know what to say to help, just want to know that you're not alone and your little cat was obviously much loved by you both. I hope eventually you feel ready to give that love to another little feline friend, there's lots of them out there needing a loving home! 💜💐

So sorry this has happened OP.for you and all the the other PP who lost their beloved pet. Some great advice already mentioned about how to cope. When my cat had to be put to sleep before Christmas (sadly in similar circumstances to Minnie) I was devastated, it's a completely normal reaction when you lose something that gave you so much love and companionship.

I have a little memorial garden where she was buried and it's a great comfort to see the beautiful summer flowers coming into bloom around her.
Also have a lot of great pictures and a million happy memories. As cliche as it sounds, time really does help. And the the points you made yourself about her always being loved and very well cared for are so true, keep those thoughts at the front of your mind when you think of her, but when you need to cry/let it out, do it too. So glad you have a supportive DH. I found having support and understanding from my loved ones a great help also. Take care of yourself. X

So sorry OP 😢. By the sounds of it she had a wonderful life with you. I do know they can turn your pets ashes into jewellery.

I can't say enough how lovely you all are for taking the time to write these replies to help me feel better. I feel like you're all here with me. Mumsnet is a wonderful place sometimes x