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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

how long till it stops hurting?

30 replies

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 14:27

I lost my beautiful cat Ruby in September. She was 8 and hit by a car and according to the vet she died instantly. She was the only one of my cats to go adventuring. She had sense as I adopted her from the streets where she had been surviving after neglect and abuse from former owners. I had her for nearly 4 wonderful years. She was my best friend and so loving.
I have two other cats, the younger girl is a Ruby lookalike but thankfully they don't leave the house and garden.
Recently Facebook showed me last years memories and Ruby featured in so many photos. I started crying thinking about my loss again.
Lots of things can make me sad and think about her.
I have a memorial bench and light a red candle for her.
When do you think I will stop feeling like this? I m sure people think I should be over it by now but I m really not. This will obviously be my first Christmas in years without Ruby.

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 03/12/2017 14:35

We had our 20 year old girl PTS over a year ago. I don't think you should be expected to ever be over it, in that there will always be times when you feel sad, and cry. It's a real loss and you are grieving. In addition, her death was a shock: you had no time to prepare for it.

And like the loss of a human, particular times will intensify the feelings, like Christmas

I cried every day for about two weeks after our cat died, for a brief period. I now think about her every day - we have a photo of her on our landing so I walk past her.

I'd just say that if you are finding yourself thinking about her obsessively, if your sadness is preventing you from doing things or relating to people, or it's reminding you of other losses, then it might be worth thinking about bereavement counselling. That's all

NotAgainYoda · 03/12/2017 14:37

And of course, coming on here is a good idea. I got a lot of comfort on here, just realising it's OK to love your pets and miss them terribly

PersianCatLady · 03/12/2017 14:43

My beloved Persian Cat was 10 in September and it was 10 years ago this week that I brought her to our home.

My son said hopefully she will make another 10 years and all I could think was, "I hope so", because I honestly can't imagine my life without her in it.

As I am typing this she is sat next to me nudging me with her head so I will rub under her chin.

Obviously I know that one day her time will come but I can't even bear to think about her not being here anymore.

Op- Your Ruby obviously had a tough start to her life but once you took her in you made her life wonderful and the reason that you are so sad about her death is because, rightly so, you both had such an impact on the other's life.

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 14:44

Thankyou. I do tend to obsess over things anyway and feel guilty as I rescued her to give her a better life but she died in my care.
I m sorry you lost your cat as well. I m still thinking about her a lot and had a poster made for my bedroom wall.
I do find comfort in my other two girl cats, all 3 are/were tabbies. The oldest is a family cat but the youngest has really bonded with me (the Ruby lookalike) which helps.
I just can't believe she's not around anymore.

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PersianCatLady · 03/12/2017 14:54

It must be awful and I think that you feel so bad because you loved Ruby so much.

Any body who can lose a pet and not think about it the way that you are, obviously didn't love their pet in the amazing way that you loved and still love Ruby.

Want2beme · 03/12/2017 15:24

Sorry for your sad loss. It's really hard to come to terms when they go. Your loss was a huge shock. Ruby obviously meant a great deal to you. I've found that I've reacted differently to the loss of my cats through the years. I had one boy who was the cat love of my life. When he was PTS at a very old age, I cried endlessly and couldn't mention his name without becoming very distressed. I couldn't look at photos of him until very recently and he died 5 years ago. My other old man who was PTS in July, was a very good friend to my other cat, and although I was devastated to lose him, I seem to be coping better this time. I was devastated too, when he was PTS, but I've accepted much quicker, that our pets are only with us for a short time. Don't push yourself to get over Ruby. You need time grieve, however long that takes.

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 15:35

Thankyou all. This is the only place to validate my loss. So many people are surprised I m not over it as I don't show much emotion normally and can come across as quite tough but where animals are concerned there is my weak spot.
Also she was found just feet from our house so she was obviously making her way home. If only she'd be minutes earlier or later. The driver didn't stop and a neighbour took her to the vet who called me. Have to say all the neighbours except one are cat lovers and have said how sorry they are which also makes me cry!

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NotAgainYoda · 03/12/2017 15:39

My first cat was run over yards from our house when I was 10. There's something particularly distressing about that scenario. In our case a young man who lived a few doors down found her and looked after her body until we got home. Most people are nice.

It's OK to cry. I think nowadays more people recognise the part pets play in our families

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 15:55

Ruby and Ellie

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Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 15:57

Also Ruby at her best, stopping me hoovering

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Want2beme · 03/12/2017 19:35

Lovely girl

BulletFox · 03/12/2017 19:54

Aww, lovely Ruby.

You'll always miss her but in a way that's a good thing, it means she's still with you :)

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 03/12/2017 20:07

Thankyou she was very beautiful once we sorted her out. She came to me dirty, skinny and with fleas having had 3 litters of kittens. But I loved her as soon as I met her.

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PersianCatLady · 05/12/2017 12:13

snorkmaiden68
How are you feeling today?

I felt so sorry for you after reading your post over the weekend and I just wanted you to know that your feelings are totally natural and you shouldn't feel that you shouldn't miss someone just because they were a cat and not a human.

I totally understand how you feel, my cat is more important to me than a lot of people, just like Ruby was to you.

When you found Ruby, you have her the love and care that she needed and in return she was a wonderful pet. Looking at your photos I can tell that she was an amazing cat and she was really special.

Rather than be sad at her passing, I hope that one day you will be able to remember the wonderful life that you gave her. I know right now if is hard to see past the sadness but you will get there.

overnightangel · 05/12/2017 13:11

Hope you’re ok today @snorkmaiden

@persian “Op- Your Ruby obviously had a tough start to her life but once you took her in you made her life wonderful and the reason that you are so sad about her death is because, rightly so, you both had such an impact on the other's life.“

That’s a lovely way of putting it.
I only had my rescue Timmy for over 5 years before she was pts but we had an great time together and as devastated as I was when she passed away once initial sadness had passed I felt lucky that I was able to give her a good life that she otherwise wouldn’t have had and she was truly loved

@snorkmaiden my Timmy looked a lot like your Ellie

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 05/12/2017 18:22

Thankyou both. I m a bit better today. Just sometimes it just catches me out. Timmy is lovely btw.
I am thankful for the time I had with Ruby, just wish I could have had her as a kitten so she would not have known pain, hunger or neglect.

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PersianCatLady · 05/12/2017 18:31

And Ruby was even more thankful that you saved her and changed her life.

The years that Ruby spent with you made her appreciate just how lucky she was to find you.

overnightangel · 05/12/2017 18:35

Yes I know what you mean, I got Timmy when she was 4 or 5, a family had moved house and just left her behind (can’t believe that someone could do that) but the second half of her life was full of joy and that’s what I try to focus on, and what I think she would remember. I’m sure Ruby loved you just as much as you loved her, people underestimate the capacity of animals ability to feel .
I love the picture of her on the hoover!

Justadh · 05/12/2017 18:42

We lost our Border Collie "Gizzy" 2 years ago to prostate cancer, he was only 9!! There isn't a day goes past that I don't miss him.
He was my best friend, I only have to look at a picture of him and I well up!! It's been horrible.

We have another dog now, Eddie the Golden Lab, he's lovely but he's not Gizzy!! I've had a real tough time bonding with him. I love him but he's not my border collie!!

I hope you feel better soon though, Gizzy was our replacement for children as we can't have our own so was incredibly to tough loosing him but life goes on!!

TroysMammy · 05/12/2017 22:29

I drive past the place where Barnaby (3) was killed on a daily basis. It was the 4th anniversary last week and I had a lump in my throat and an overwhelming sadness when I came home from work.

His brother Troy died suddenly after being diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy in May 2016 exactly 2 months before his 6th birthday. Although his death wasn't as traumatic, expected at some point, I still feel sad I couldn't have him for longer.

I'm catless now because I can't chance the heartache I've had with my 2 black and whites.

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 07/12/2017 11:04

I have to walk or drive past the place Ruby died quite a few times a day and I always feel sad.
I feel like putting a poster up of her right there with the words Remember Me and SLOW DOWN on it.
We live in a residential area but people use it as a short cut and don't care there are pets and children and old people around. I m reasonably fit and I have had to run over to my car at peak times to dodge the traffic. I wish people would realise it's not just a cat or dog, it's part of someone s family and you will break their hearts by killing it coz you were not looking or were in a hurry

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BulletFox · 07/12/2017 13:46

snork have you asked the council about putting up signs? They might be able to do this and might have a legal obligation if it's a difficult area for dangerous driving?

I know what you mean about them talking to you, there was a thread recently about that. You want to know what's happened to them and of course they're part of the family.

If I were you I'd smack a pic of Ruby defiantly on a local lamppost and come back here to tell us all about her:)

BulletFox · 07/12/2017 13:50

Sorry for Timmy as well. You just miss their little furry bodies and personalities, and want them to be safe and loved.

Original poster

snorkmaiden68 · 07/12/2017 15:07

Good idea BulletFox I will do it! I m sick of people s beloved pets getting hit on the road and even if they are not killed they are horribly injured. A lady down the road s Bengal cat had to have his leg amputated after getting knocked down and the driver didn't stop for him either

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overnightangel · 07/12/2017 15:10

Thanks @BulletFox
Yes I totally agree, lovely to read what people have put on this thread x

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