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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

Struggling with grief

28 replies

Kikikaakaa · 08/04/2017 23:35

I am really sick of all the platitudes people keep telling me about 'a good innings' and that she passed quickly. They are not helping me.

I am completely heartbroken to lose my young cat (only 6) who was hit by a car. I don't know if she suffered for a long time after being hit, all I know is whoever hit her didn't stop and she was there in the road for some time before a nice person took pity and took her to the vet. And it was so close to my house and I didn't even know till hours later.

I feel so guilty and sick. I didn't get her home that night because she rarely comes when I call on nice spring evenings as she likes to hunt. But I could have called her and I didn't. She didn't call to come in either that evening (I have no catflap). Maybe things would have been different. I can't believe how much I miss her. I feel like I can't bear to live here anymore and see the road where it happened every day either. I've lost pets before, when they are old and it didn't feel this awful. I just feel so sad

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ErrolTheDragon · 08/04/2017 23:44

I'm so sorry- losing a pet can hit you badly, especially if you feel guilty because if only you'd done this or not done that....we had something like that when our previous dog died suddenly.

I know it probably won't stop you feeling bad right now, but you really couldn't have known this would happen, and your cat wouldn't have wanted to be indoors on a nice evening.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 01:25

Thank you. No she wouldn't have wanted to be indoors. I just feel so heartbroken that i will never see her lovely face again. when she did stay in at night she slept up tight to my younger daughter and I used to go in and watch them sleeping together it was so lovely. She was just so lovely she didn't deserve to go that way. I can hear the road now from where i am laying in bed and it just is awful to think she was laying there so close and I didn't know.

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iloveeverykindofcat · 09/04/2017 05:47

I know, it's awful. I lost a young cat in a similar way. He was paralysed by a fall and though we did the surgery and tried to work with him on physiotherapy, he didn't improve. Eventually he bit through his tail and would have needed that amputated too, and I knew it was time to PTS. I don't know what time of night he fell either, but its possible he was lying there a long time because he usually came home on summer nights. But he wouldn't be kept in. He just loved to roam, and would wait by the door if you tried to keep him in so he could dart out. All we can tell ourselves is that we gave them the best life he could. I went on to adopt a young rescue girl who turned out to be extremely sick but got well and has flourished, and that was very healing.

PorklessPie · 09/04/2017 07:49

I'm so sorry. I lost my beautiful young boy just over 5 weeks ago (he was under a year). Heartbroken doesn't come close, I was actually more upset than when my father died . I have a thread (devastated over the loss of my boy). Time has helped, I do think of him every day he was my only friend. But I'm remembering the good times now.

I was so lost without him because he was so needy and dog like due to his breed, that I out a deposit on a kitten straight away. I brought her home yesterday at 13wks. She isn't to replace him and nobody ever could but if I hadn't had her to look forward to I would have been far worse. She is helping to heal my heart already and I can't wait to develop a similar relationship with her. Take it easy and I'm happy to talk with you

LouKout · 09/04/2017 07:54

She probably would have been in shock and not suffered

dudsville · 09/04/2017 07:58

That's a tragic way for anything to die. I can hear how painful it is for you that she was so near and you weren't aware so couldn't comfort her. I can understand that. My heart goes out to you.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 08:23

Thanks all. I cried a lot last night, seems worse at night. In the day I can try distract myself. I have another younger cat (who is by its own choice, a house cat). They did not get along so the younger cat is more relaxed the last few days. I will not get another cat after this, losing them to the road is so painful. My children are also devastated, she really was such a special lovely cat. She was very grumpy and generally expressed a dislike of everything all the time but it was just a front because she was as soft as anything. I loved that about her it was so funny. She was really vocal and chatty to me it used to make everyone laugh. I miss talking to her and her talking back to me! I don't think I have the same bond with my younger cat, not quite the same special bond I don't know why

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Vinorosso74 · 09/04/2017 11:39

I'm sorry you've lost your girl in such sad circumstances. Please don't feel guilty though.
Everyone on here knows cats are part of your family and it is devastating whatever age they are and I agree 6 is sadly too young to go. I think people don't know how to react especially if they're not cat/pet people so come out with comments we find unhelpful. Look after yourself

Trustyourself2 · 09/04/2017 16:32

You will feel very sad and devastated for a long time. It's the worst thing, you just wish they'd stay on your side of the road and not want to cross over. I'm so sorry this happened to your little puss. Try not to blame yourself. You did what was right for her, she wanted to be outside. Sadly, there are a lot of people who have no understanding of what our cats mean to us, and will just drive off or walk on by.

One of my cats went in the same way and it took a lot of talking to myself, persuading myself that I couldn't have done anything to change things. It took a long time, a lot of tears and heartache. It happened many years ago, and I still think about her, but it's not as raw. Whenever we lose our pets, it takes a long time to recover, so allow yourself time to grieve and don't be hard on yourself.

Get yourself a little momento in memory of her. I know it doesn't change what's happened, but it's a tribute to her and will mean a lot to you. My mum bought me a little cat charm for my bracelet and I treasure it.

Thinking of you.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 21:12

Thank you. I think not having anything left behind makes me feel very sad. She didn't have her collar on it's lost. So I don't have that to keep. At the time it happened I just didn't really know what I was saying to the vet as I wanted to get off the phone and cry and I chose not to bring her home to bury and couldn't bear the thought of having ashes (instead of my lovely girl) so I agreed to a communal cremation which I now regret but it is too late.

I have ordered myself a tiny little necklace with her initial on. It wasn't much but handmade on Etsy. I think I will get some photos printed also but I find it hard to look at photos at the moment. I was at home most of today alone and hated it. I wanted to clean my car out but I hate being outside the house because i spent so much time with her out there. Whenever we went outside she would roll around in all the dust excitedly and 'help' us garden or clean the car. I just keep expecting to see her or hear her. Worse my DD is convinced she isn't really dead and it's all a mistake and will turn up. Part of me wants to think that too

Sorry I am so maudlin I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it

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Trustyourself2 · 09/04/2017 21:47

You're devastated. Don't apologise for your sadness. All of your little routines with Dcat will soon become lovely memories. Your little one will always be with you. Maybe your DD could make her own tribute. A little card, pebble or a candle to light every day.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 22:17

I wonder if I should call the vet, would it help me? I want to know if she suffered. I don't know anything about her injuries and I don't want to know but at the same time it is torturing me that she did not die quickly

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Wolfiefan · 09/04/2017 22:22

I'm so sorry this has happened and "had a good innings?" At 6? What a horrid thing to say.
I do hope this isn't too upsetting but we lost our boy cat to the road. (He had cancer and I think it affected his ability to keep himself safe )
He was hit and the driver cleared off. Neighbours saw it happen. He wasn't killed instantly BUT they called out a vet immediately who came to him. The vet told me that he wasn't dead when she got there but he really wasn't aware of what had happened/was happening. His heart may have been beating but she said "whatever made him wolfiecat had gone." That stayed with me. It gave me hope he didn't suffer.
It's so hard. I'm so sorry.

Ooopsohdear · 09/04/2017 22:27

I'm really sorry, it's obvious how much you love her from how you write

Trustyourself2 · 09/04/2017 22:47

Call the vet or pop in to see them. They'll tell you exactly what you need to hear. I kept my Dcat in the house overnight, took her to the vet the next day, they said that she hadn't suffered and that was something I needed to hear.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 22:48

You lovely lot haven't come out with awkward platitudes honestly, some of the ones even my family have said to me about good innings, also 'think of what a life she could have had' meaning she could have had 6 miserable years of life in some hell hole - I found her as a kitten via a newspaper advert and the house was an absolute disgusting hell hole and I had no choice but to take her it was so awful. That one really did not help 'cheer me up' because she was only 6, and regardless of what family she had she should have lived longer.

I am really torturing myself with so much it's awful it's like my brain isn't working right. I stood out on the road the other night too trying to work out WHAT THE FUCK it is super well lit with lots of brand new halogen street lights and a big long clear straight road of 20mph. There is virtually no traffic between 9pm and 6am as it's a village. So unless she ran out at the very very last moment, I'm feeling so angry was someone going 50mph? Did they find it fun to hit her?

Today I had to go to the shops with DD and further up from my house I crossed at a pedestrian crossing and some fucking twat drove straight through the red light as me and DD started to cross.

I think I am in the angry stage of grief

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ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 09/04/2017 22:55

I feel for you. I am a vet and have also lost 2 cats to the road. I always say you need to cherish the good memories, don't dwell on the bad. We don't know how long we are going to have our cats/dogs/parents etc. But all that matters is the time we were allowed with them. Remember the life they had and smile, rather than remembering their demise and being sad xx

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 09/04/2017 23:10

Thank you
With my DD's we laugh about her a lot when we talk about her I try not to get upset around them.

The time she pissed ON THE HOB. I mean.. of all the places? Why the hob? It was so random. Like the most angry dirty protest I have no idea what she was thinking, ah, this seems like a good place to do a wee...
she was always bringing us gifts, they were often the same colour as the hallway carpet (grey/brown) so we all got caught out squelching barefoot on a dead vole a few times. And sometimes she even brought them home still alive, which ended up like a carry on film. My youngest DD got really good at dead/alive rodent removal

She was so funny

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PorklessPie · 10/04/2017 04:13

My dd was the same when our Malcolm died. She said it wasn't true. She still struggles with her grief and she's only 6. We have him buried in the garden and she enjoys decorating pebbles from the beach to put around his grave. She drew a beautiful picture of him (which I shared on my thread). I also bought a willow tree ornament (not a collector it came up Amazon when I searched for cat ornaments). It is called kindness and it is of a little girl holding a cat.
Take it easy op, it's hard not to torture yourself. I've never had such a bond as I did with my cat even though I had 3 others here too. Thinking of you

iloveeverykindofcat · 10/04/2017 06:13

Truly, I don't think she would have suffered even if she didn't die instantly. I have it on good authority from a doctor that mammals receiving a fatal injury don't 'feel it' in the way we imagine they would, they just go into shock. Please don't torture yourself with that.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/04/2017 09:19

Try not to get angry thinking the worst of the driver either, if you can. Anger isn't always a healthy emotion and you don't know what happened.

I once had a cat run out from a hedge into my car - I was doing less than 30 but there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it, it was so quick. I did stop and lift him out of the road and find his owner, but I was frankly a blubbering mess by the time I found her ... I could imagine some people just wouldn't be able to deal with it unfortunately.

pilates · 10/04/2017 09:32

Horrible way to go, so sorry for you and your family 💐

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 10/04/2017 10:34

I'm trying not to be angry or sad but it just happens, lack of information makes you think the worst. Driver didn't stop - sorry I judge them.
They didn't even move her, to the side. I know that much. Then the person who moved her didn't take her to the vet either. So she probably got run over a few more times. So yeah, I'm fucking angry scum bag 'cowards' don't even have the compassion to move an animal they have hit so that other drivers don't have to hit it or pedestrians don't have to risk their lives going in the road.

I am not going to have any compassion for the 'poor person who hit her who didn't know what to do' who is a fully grown fucking adult old.

They just didn't give a crap did they

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ErrolTheDragon · 10/04/2017 11:16

Heck no, I didn't mean to imply they deserved any compassion. Whether they gave a crap or not, they certainly didn't give enough of a crap.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you more.

Original poster

Kikikaakaa · 10/04/2017 11:29

Sorry this is why I am angry. The road itself is a nightmare sometimes. It shouldn't be but some people have no respect for human or animal life. I don't even let my kids cross it at certain times of the day. People never let you pull out of the turning. Yesterday some man drove through a pedestrian crossing red light while DD and I were on it, Someone else killed my cat and drove off leaving it in the road. A girl was killed on the same road (further up) a few years ago. Like I said, it's a village. I'm angry that people drive over twice the speed limit on the road and although I don't know how fast they were going, I know they were scummy enough not to take responsibility for their actions and for that I hate whoever it was.

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