My house is run by cats.

[OTheHugeManatee]

I know this because:

• Cat A demands that I open the sitting room curtains before I leave for work, so she can enjoy a nice view of the garden from her personal piano stool by the radiator.
• Cat B insists that DH patrols the garden with him every evening at dusk, with said cat sat on his shoulder like a parrot. Cat B sulks if this doesn't happen.
• Cat A insists that I sit on the bed for 5 minutes after getting out of the bath, while she tramples up and down me purring and warming her paws up.
• Cat B HAS HIS OWN BEDROOM. Well, it's the spare room, but if anyone else goes in there while Cat B is sleeping they get a look like this only black and furry.
• Cat A brings a wine bottle cork into the bedroom every evening at lights out, in the expectation that someone will throw it so she can chase it.

I could go on

Is your house run by cats? What made you realise?

Cat 1 and Cat 2 both sleep on my bed at night. I find myself waking up and having a look to see where they are before changing position so I don't disturb the cats .

DS often comes into bed early hours of the morning and I wake up just before he climbs into bed and instinctively say "mind the cats!"

I have also imagined seeing the cats on my bed in a sleepy haze, laid there in an uncomfortable position, only to hear them chasing each other around the bedroom.

I find myself waking up and having a look to see where they are before changing position so I don't disturb the cats

BertCat likes to spoon under the covers and as cute (yet somehow creepy) as this is, it gets annoying after the fifth time of wanting to flip over, but having to check that I'm not going to flatten the cat first. We have renegotiated the bedtime routine and sleeping while wrapped round my head is deemed an acceptable alternative for 4 nights of the week and every other Saturday.

MrsBertMacklin that reminds me of the Siamese cat we had when I was a child. He also liked to spoon under the covers and if I dared move an inch - he would growl aggressively.

I would like there frozen still and get cramp most nights.

Our household is run entirely for the benefit of the cats. They know this. We know this.

We are required to vacate our bedroom no later than an hour and a half past sunrise so that they can take advantage of the windowsill for people watching and sunbathing purposes. On days without sufficient sun, they will require the bed with their preferred blankets, and will require the bed for alternate hours throughout the day. If either of us is working from home, they'll also require their radiator bed available in whichever room we're working in. All food preparation must include their tithe, and their dinner is to be served by 6pm promptly. After dinner is playtime, and the aim is to see who can go round a corner the fastest without losing control or being tagged by the other. At 11am and 11pm, fuss and hugs will be required, and it doesn't matter what you thought you were doing, it's their time now.

They're not fixed in their routine - they'll happily sleep on the sofa or on whatever chair you thought you'd temporarily vacated, and have been known to order dinner as early as 4pm.

SayraT I wonder if your cat is actually asking for you to carry him round his morning patrol, so his feet don't get cold?

Seems reasonable to me

I work from home. More often than not, my cat sits on my office chair while I sit on the floor.

I recently had a breast cancer operation and came home with a dressing on my chest/underarm.

On going to bed I was woken up by fat old cat nudging me and getting all her head under my arm and pushing as hard as she could.......

........because she wanted me to turn the other way so the dressing /offending area was no where near her when she got in bed!!

Errr, OK then cat, I'll move, don't you bother finding another position to sleep in

These stories are all brilliant

Maybe he does Manatee sometimes he likes to me to go out with him, he goes to the stairs (we are in a flat) miaows, comes back, repeat until I follow him out.

I found mine like this in bed the other night, head on the pillow and everything, right in the middle. Sorry no space for you human!

DubCat must have a lap to sit on as soon as she come in from her outside adventurers, if a lap isn't proffered then she will sit on the edge of her butchers block and glower. If anything not belonging to Mr DD finds its way into her butchers block, she will walk off in disgust. She must have her portion of any meat offcuts, and is quite happy to sit between the two dogs, but as soon as all the treats are finished she will hightail it back to her butchers block. She also likes to sit and stare at dinner plates-this makes MrDD feel very sorry for her and offer her some of his dinner, which she will ignore. Unless it's pizza, she reigns to eat pizza.

Evening rituals are dictated by whether the lap she wants to snooze on is wearing jeans or some other fabric. Corduroy is acceptable, as is heavy cotton blend slacks, but woe betide you if a skirt is being worn. The hammock effect in the few millimeters between closed thighs is just not acceptable, so DubCat will spend the evening casting a dissapproving eye until jeans are worn. Whereupon she will sit on your lap for approx. two minutes and decide that the floor is cooler.

Bedtime rituals must be strictly adhered to. One must play with DubCat for no more than 15 minutes and no less than 14, otherwise much stalking around the bed will be done, and howling for more playing. Underbed drawers will occasionally have their contents removed by way of a claw fishhooking the corner of whatever is closest. The item will then be left on the floor to offend the eyes of DubCat, who will howl and scream in the middle of the night for it to be folded and placed back in the drawer to be fishhooked out again. Rinse and repeat.

At some, unspecified time in the AM, DubCat will decide that ribs are good to sit on, and manages to shift her tiny weight to become The Heaviest Cat In The World(TM) Don't roll over onto your back, or collarbone sitting will ensue. Get out of bed, stub toes on whatever pair of shoes MrDD has left on my side of the bed, and turn DubCat's bowl a quarter turn to the left, dip finger in water bowl and wiggle around so DubCat can lap at now soaked finger-but never the bowl, oh no!! Open bathroom window so she can sit across the frame and let the freezing cold morning air ruffle her whiskers and wake me up. Depending on how much birdsong there is, jump down to the garden path, or turn around and go back to bed.

This is just the basic stuff.

PeppermintCat also does rib sitting. And collarbones. And patting of faces, first gently and then with claws.

My cat likes to sit miaowing by the front door so you let him out. Only for him to run directly round the house to miaow at the patio door to be let back in. Over and over. Even at 3am. He also likes to miaow loudly for food then turn his nose up at it, run away and then when you take it away to stop the dog scoffing it he suddenly wants it. Not to mention the pretence that he's in a friendly mood and wants to be stroked, only to decide actually he wants to roll over and rabbit kick your hand. He's a little delight.. Haha!

Had to buy an old school "china cabinet" to protect my lovely Royal Doulton tea-set from being hurled onto the floor. For fun.

He's a proper dick.

He's lucky I luffs him.

Perhaps he should live in a locked china cabinet?

Cats bowl is where he tumble dryer is, cat will miaow and miaow unti dryer turned off so he can eat, he's a bully. We never get anything dry....

YY to Heaviest Cat Ever. I swear they have a special way of making extra pointy toes so it really digs. in. between. the. ribs. while they purr loudly and stick their whiskers up your nose.

If I'm on the PC her Mistyness jumps on the windowsill and wails piteously. I have to ask her if she wants to go out. If she does she walks up and down and I open the window. If she doesn't she sits and wails. I may still open the window but her stillness signifies she wants to sit with her bum inside the window and her face out, she prefers to so this in winter.

She sometimes sleeps on a pillow, but more often than not she sleeps on me

We have 3 dogs and they get some processed ham with their meals. On the shopping list as dog ham

willow cat will not drink water off the florr but only on the sideboard water will be rejected if is place in any other position. She does not want to be inside or outside but some positon halfway in between. to achieve this she yowls loudly and paws at any door or window to try and achive this mythical intra-window position

PeppermintCat likes to sit under bent knees - you sit up in bed, he sits underneath. You may not flatten your legs until PeppermintCat decides you are allowed to. Any attempts to put your hand inside the duvet, eg to scratch your leg, and you run the risk of losing a finger.

He then manages to lie on the end of the bed in such a way as to become a duvet-sucking centre of gravity so we end up without being able to roll up in the covers. Attempts to move the duvet and/or the cat are met with crushing disdain.

He also likes to cuddle visitors' shoes.

Oh yes, shoes - Mrs Plumptious and Daughter pace the floor as I remove my shoes and then grab them and rabbit kick furiously; except for lace ups when they each chew the laces of "their" shoe. Cat chicken is breast pieces from Tesco but I'm expected to go to Harvester and bring back ALL my chicken from there ( have sandwich bags in my bag to remove it from plate) at least every fortnight. And when I come home with chicken multi-wrapped in bags they miraculously appear from nowhere as soon as they hear the car and tell me how much they love me. Never happens with any other cat treats, just harvester stuff.

Mummy cat insists on being combed and then brushed with my late father's silver backed brushes before I'm allowed to read my book. No other comb or brush will do - I have the scratches to prove it. She also decides exactly when too much is reached and whips round to bite me like a snake, including one time when she bit through web between thumb and forefinger and I had to wear a dressing and was lucky to escape tetanus jab. It gushed blood which went on her, so I had to explain to neighbours that it was MY blood, not hers and I was the injured party while she paraded around her stained fur with an air of pathos.

Can't remember when I last had a full night's sleep as they both hog the bed especially where I am trying to sleep and do that furry oozing thing so I find I'm clinging to the edge of the mattress as they've pushed me out of the warm spot.

I could go on, and on, and on. As you say, this is their house and I am the very unsatisfactory domestic manager, never managing to meet their standards. But they have The Purr and just occasionally when I've got something right I get a purr and feel royally rewarded. Constant striving, that's my life!

PeppermintCat likes to sit under bent knees - you sit up in bed, he sits underneath. You may not flatten your legs until PeppermintCat decides you are allowed to. Any attempts to put your hand inside the duvet, eg to scratch your leg, and you run the risk of losing a finger.

The Lamb does this, she's doing it right now. But she doesn't bite or scratch, just shifts her weight irritably if you bother her. Should you be sitting on the sofa without building her a blanket fort she'll try to burrow under your spine until she ends up trapped in the back of your jumper. Then she gets upset.

Loving this - so good to know we're not alone!
I have recently broken my arm which is great for the cat because what is a plaster cast for but a feline headrest?
I have recently taken to shutting him out of the bedroom at night as I can't stand the trampolining/high speed circuits/leaving of disembowelled rodents by the bed for me to step on as I get out. This leads to howling, growling and supplicating furry paws coming under the door, making threatening gestures.

He has ideas above his station and considers cat flaps beneath him. So he sits and punches the effing thing repeatedly, then gives you the teenager-style eye roll until you get up and open the sodding door as befits his lordship.
FML!

Loving all these stories of furry dictatorship! I thought my house was outrageously run by cats, for cats but some of you are making me feel much more normal

(I am posting this from the garden, where I am sitting on a bench with getting cold, on twilight cat bodyguard patrol duty as DH is not home yet.)

It is really difficult wiping ones nether regions on the loo with a cat stiing on your knee, don't you find?

I think I meant "sitting"!

I used to have a cat that would bite your ankles while you sat on the loo if you dared go for a wee before feeding him in the morning