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Original poster

When is it time to say goodbye? (handholding needed please)

36 replies

shovetheholly · 19/03/2015 13:12

My poor cat was diagnosed with lymphoma in early January. It is the large cell type, and doesn't respond well to chemo so he is on prednisolone.

I am aware that I am going to have to put him down in the near future. This is the first time I have ever had to do this, and I don't know how I will 'know' when the right time is. What should I look for? How will it happen?

He is still very interested in food and purring when stroked, but he looks like he's in a bit of discomfort now. He's lying on the bathmat on the tiled bathroom floor (very unusual for him), and he's hunched over in an awkward position and very quiet.

The vet gave us tramadol to administer for the pain. I tried this yesterday but it sent him completely doolally. He stared into space in an anxious way for hours and hours. It clearly stressed him out hugely.

I have rung up again and the vet has suggested codeine, but this won't be in until tomorrow.

I am worried about doing it too early and depriving him of precious hours that he has left. I am equally worried about doing it too late and leaving him to suffer.

He has been such a brilliant, sweet, loving cat and he deserves the best end.

I had surgery myself a week ago and I am not coping mentally, emotionally, or physically. I feel both overwhelmed and helpless and scared.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 13:22

Holding your hand here. It's awful - so I guess my only advice would be better a day too soon than a day too late. (As I know to my cost from Twoago where I couldn't bear to let him go even though there was no real hope.)

I'd be letting him go while the sun is still shining for him a little and before the discomfort becomes extreme.

It's very hard though - and you being still unwell doesn't help.

Take care.

thecatneuterer · 19/03/2015 13:22

I think it sounds as though this is time. A day too soon is much better than a day too late. If he appears to be in pain then I wouldn't wait.

I very sorry for your situation, but giving him a good death is the kindest thing you can do. I'm still upset by the thought of the cats I left a little too long. On the other hand when I think of my cats who 'had a good death' I am now able to think about them fondly and without guilt and remember the good times, rather than the last few awful hours.

Do you have someone who can help you through this?

sparkysparkysparky · 19/03/2015 14:01

I had this dilemma recently. I went by the notion "is she still enjoying being a cat"?. TBH If I could go back in time, I would take her for her final journey the day before she stopped enjoying life instead of the day she had clearly had enough.
I really think doing it "too soon" is better than doing it too late. Luckily our vet was very kind and the experience was very gentle (sedated cat first).
It's SOO hard to make that decision. I really feel for you. Please share this burden if you can because of your own health.
Your cat has had a life of love and care - this is clear because you are even having these thoughts. The last act of love and kindness is very hard for you but the best for your lovely pet.

Original poster
shovetheholly · 19/03/2015 15:18

I will speak to DH when he's back from work this evening. I'm going to have a home call, as I can't bear talking him to the vet for the last time (and I will not be able to hold it together afterwards).

OP posts:
Original poster
shovetheholly · 19/03/2015 15:19

*taking, not talking

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 19/03/2015 15:46

Please consider this message (and others ) as a virtual hand hold at this shittiest of times.

fenneltea · 19/03/2015 19:40

I also think that if strong pain relief is needed, then now is the time.

I've always found that although there is always a feeling of guilt at losing a life, there is a knowing that you've done the right thing, especially with a terminal condition, and that you can prevent suffering by acting sooner rather than later. That's the greatest act of love we can give our beloved pets. Flowers

girliefriend · 19/03/2015 19:54

hand holding Flowers I dread having to make this decision one day Sad

MessEnoughClean · 19/03/2015 20:10

Sorry you are in this position, it is so horrible. Both of my lovely cats were put to sleep in the last 18 months (aged 18 and 19). One of them had bowel cancer and he went downhill SO fast it was a total shock, it went from 'i think this is the end we'll have to make arrangements in the next few days/week' to 'we have to do this NOW and should have done it already' basically overnight. I wish I had've done it a bit earlier. He was affected mentally on his last day and I could tell he didn't recognise me when I said goodbye, that was horrible.

Also if you've never been through this before be reassured that it is so peaceful and not anywhere as traumatising as I thought it was going to be Flowers

MessEnoughClean · 19/03/2015 20:16

Just realised I sound a a bit cold at the end there, when I say not traumatising I mean the actual putting to sleep itself, I hated the thought of seeing them take their last breath etc and thought it would haunt me (so much so I wasn't actually with the first cat, my boy) but when it was time for my girl to go (heart failure among other things) I forced myself and it was peaceful and felt lovely to be there with her

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 19/03/2015 22:05

I'm so sorry. It does sound like it's time though. I hung on to my boy longer than I should have because I couldn't bear to let him go, and I wish I had been braver.

Give him all the love he can tolerate but then maybe let him go. It was incredibly peaceful when Morph was put to sleep and it comforted me to see him finally out of pain. ((HUGS))

Grange · 19/03/2015 22:21

I can't put in to words how you know. I'm still in pain from making that decision very recently following my cats accident. I just think in the end it's a feeling that overwhelms you from your stomach.
I had another cat 7 years ago that lived up til a right old age but her last year she was on a lot of drugs and had started to look like she was in pain....With her, I remember one night just cuddling her and she looked at me and I got the same feeling. Listen to your heart xx

Original poster
shovetheholly · 20/03/2015 07:17

He is gone. He died yesterday at sunset and I am going to bury him during the eclipse. It feels fitting that the whole light will go at that moment because that is how my life feels.

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TheAmyrlin · 20/03/2015 07:24

Flowers so sorry for your loss. Our beautiful cat died in November, and is now under the laurel tree in the garden. He was 19. It is utterly heartbreaking when they go.

sparkysparkysparky · 20/03/2015 07:36

Thank you for updating the thread. I know how hard it must be to talk about him in the past tense. What a lovely idea for his send off. Thanks

girliefriend · 20/03/2015 09:56

Flowers thinking of you.

cozietoesie · 20/03/2015 10:11

So sorry.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/03/2015 10:13

So sorry for your loss Flowers

It's just heartbreaking when they go

chockbic · 20/03/2015 12:07

That's a nice way to remember him.

Grange · 20/03/2015 21:16
Flowers
jaspercat2002 · 20/03/2015 22:37

Sorry for you loss - I'm so sad for you Flowers

Dreamiesrcatopium · 20/03/2015 23:28

I'm so very sorry. What a lovely way to bury him. X

Original poster
shovetheholly · 23/03/2015 09:59

Sorry, this is going to be very self-indulgent. I am in so much pain. I have had to spend the weekend with the in laws who do not understand. (They have an emotional piece missing and they don't really grieve for people, let alone pets).

I have been ill and unable to work for the last year and a bit, and I've spent the last four months doing very little else than caring for my cat. Now he is dead, I have no role.

I feel that I just can't go on. The sense of constant despair, of hopelessness, of an enormous gaping vacuum in my life is overwhelming. I feel intense anxiety, verging on panic. At the same time I feel physically like I have been gutted, my intestines have been stamped on, and then reinserted. I know I have to keep going, but just getting to lunchtime, not even to tomorrow, seems like climbing Everest.

People keep saying awful, cutesy things to me, like he 'got his wings' or 'went over the rainbow bridge' and I just want to punch them. The standard expressions of 'I'm so sorry' on Facebook feel like an insult and not a help. I know I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/03/2015 10:09

Oh dear, I can imagine spending time with your il has made it ten times worse hasn't it?.

Some people don't have empathy at all, but live by the sword die by the sword & all that.

You can be dry eyed when it's their turn.

GRW · 23/03/2015 10:16

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. He was obviously a wonderful loyal companion, and has left an enormous hole. Even though you did the right thing for him it is still really painful, and when those around you don't appreciate that it makes it worse. I hope you will feel that you can offer a loving home to another cat when the time is right.

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