When is it time to say goodbye? (handholding needed please)

[shovetheholly]

My poor cat was diagnosed with lymphoma in early January. It is the large cell type, and doesn't respond well to chemo so he is on prednisolone.

I am aware that I am going to have to put him down in the near future. This is the first time I have ever had to do this, and I don't know how I will 'know' when the right time is. What should I look for? How will it happen?

He is still very interested in food and purring when stroked, but he looks like he's in a bit of discomfort now. He's lying on the bathmat on the tiled bathroom floor (very unusual for him), and he's hunched over in an awkward position and very quiet.

The vet gave us tramadol to administer for the pain. I tried this yesterday but it sent him completely doolally. He stared into space in an anxious way for hours and hours. It clearly stressed him out hugely.

I have rung up again and the vet has suggested codeine, but this won't be in until tomorrow.

I am worried about doing it too early and depriving him of precious hours that he has left. I am equally worried about doing it too late and leaving him to suffer.

He has been such a brilliant, sweet, loving cat and he deserves the best end.

I had surgery myself a week ago and I am not coping mentally, emotionally, or physically. I feel both overwhelmed and helpless and scared.

There's nothing they can say to make it better - is there? And though they are trying, it's a futile attempt really. But it's not radio silence, or "cheer up, love". They probably have good intentions and know, really, that the words are not enough.

You can be as self indulgent as you like - and it would be a very wierd reaction indeed, if after all this you just "dusted yourself off" and carried on. As you said about the inlaws, they have an emotional piece missing.

Thinking of you, and your sweet cat.

Shove, your current experience is ringing several bells with me. If you suffer such a loss when at a very low ebb, you need TLC. I am very sorry you are not getting that with ils. Quite the opposite by the sounds of it. Grief is grief, for goodness' sake.
I'd tentatively suggest having a word with your GP when you feel up to it.
I and other pet lovers on this thread know how devastating a loss can be even when you are on fine form. The less understanding, such as your ils, should, at least, be able to grasp the concept of "the straw that broke the camel's back".
You go ahead and grieve for your loss. Trying to recover from illness is shit and a blow like this is horrible.

When I lost my Darling Twoago - a cat to whom I was closer than almost any other - I was in a state of devastation for a good week or two. The loss of his personality was a true bereavement and I was also going through some bad things in my life so it was a real double whammy because I felt completely rudderless. He just wasn't there anymore and I wanted him to be there so very badly.

I think that what you're describing may be akin to what some people mean when they say they have a 'cat-shaped hole' in their lives. My cats act as reference points for me - they're often quirky but always intensely pragmatic and they make me grin. At myself as much as anything.

I don't think I managed to put things in perspective until Darling Oneago came to live with me and filled in the cracks that were gaping. He only had two interests in life - himself and me - so I adjusted to that all over again. With a lot of laughter - and that had been missing in my life for a good while because Twoago had been ill for so long that it was more or less a long goodbye in the last few months.

Your ILs are missing a piece or two in their emotional makeup? So be it because it's pretty well down to you now. Grit your teeth even though it's tough.

You will laugh again - and look back on your lad with fondness (and gratitude for the time you had together.)

There's no right way to grieve, and people say what they think will help. Each of us grieves in a very different way and there are phrases or expressions which help some people but not others. Try not to be angry with them, nor angry with yourself, it sounds like you've had a really shitty time and this is the last straw.

I had to have our beloved family pony pts before Christmas and it hit me really hard, I felt that the bottom had dropped out of my world for a while, and I still cry for him now. However I keep telling myself that it was right for him, it was the only option and that he didn't know about it and he was pain free - the alternative if I hadn't had it done was a horrendous death from colic, in the field on his own.....

You've done what you had to do, think of the happy times with dcat and I do think sparky is right in suggesting a visit to the GP as it sounds like this loss has triggered something much more serious.

Take care of yourself, and don't ever think you shouldn't be sad or cry because "it's just a cat" - there's no such thing as "just a cat".

Thank you, all of you, so very much for sharing your stories with me. It helps a lot to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I can relate to so much of what you say. I think, as cozietosie said, there is something about the sheer absence of an animal that is so very tactile that is just agonising.

I know that I am being unreasonable about my PIL. They are the lightning rod for the anger I feel about all of this, and it is not their fault. We are just very different. I am the kind of person who needs to cry, they are not. When we went back to visit just after MIL's father died last year (and then again for the funeral), she acted as if nothing had happened. We all had to go to stately homes and for afternoon tea (that noone but they could eat) as if we were on holiday, and pretend that nothing had happened. The same expectation has been placed on me this weekend, and I have completely failed to live up to it. Frankly, I appear exactly what I am - a mess.

I am going to see a counsellor on Wednesday (it's been scheduled for ages due to the fact that we recently discovered I can't have children) so I will be able to explore this in more depth then. I will try to get an appointment at the GPs too if possible, though it's very difficult to obtain one at my surgery (as at so many others) at present.

No wonder you're feeling so bad, you've an enormous amount to deal with - I hope the counselling helps. I know it's a bit (or even a lot) of a sweeping statement but I do think it's a generation/age thing and I do get where you're coming from re your in-laws. Parts of my family (and in-laws) are a bit like that - the old stiff upper lip and pretend it's not happening thing are alive and well in them too, I got with dpony "oh well, never mind, these things happen, what's for tea?" a few times. Good luck with everything.

Oh op no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Have you begun to consider another cat? I know your beloved pet can't be replaced but it may help to have something else to focus on? Rescue centres are crying out for people like you and full of cats needing loving homes.

I think what you are describing sounds like anxiety/depression triggered by grief and I would hope talking it through with your dr would help.

It will get easier op be kind to yourself

Frosty - yes, that's exactly it! My inlaws are quite old for their age too (if you know what I mean) and very traditional so it's not surprising really that they deal with things in a very different way.

Rehoming is not for me yet. I have another cat who is quite anxious and elderly, so I am reluctant to rehome a further rescue cat at present. It would stress him out significantly - it took him about 3 years to get used to my other cat at the start. Also, it would feel like I was 'replacing' my old cat right now, and that wouldn't be fair on the new cat because he would deserve space to be his own animal.

I never left my cats more than a few days for a holiday, because I didn't want them to feel lonely or abandoned. I know my (very patient) DP would like to do some travelling, so I think when my lovely, cuddly old boy goes we will have a period with no animals for a bit.

I am sure that at some point in future it will feel right to adopt again, though.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and how you're feeling now. Your post wasn't self indulgent, it was an honest description of how you feel. For those who understand, our animals are our friends, family members, very much loved; and bring love and fun into our lives because they want to and can, not because they should or need to. Of course we miss their presence when they've gone. They are irreplaceable.

You will keep going, one landmark at a time, if that's lunchtime or supper, or next week, next year. You will be fine, it's important to understand that. Give yourself time to grieve, then maybe one day (I hope soon) you'll find that the hole in your life is no longer a void, but space for another little guy who won't be a replacement, but another fun, loving and slightly bonkers friend.

Take care of yourself.

BTW, you're not being unreasonable about wanting to punch people who say things like 'he's got his wings'. What rot. Punch away.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss; we had exactly the same thing this week. I had to have my beloved cat put to sleep this morning because she had a very advanced, aggressive lymphoma and she was suffering a lot. She wasn't herself and it was the kindest thing to do, but I know it just hurts so, so much. We're going to bury her later this week. My deepest sympathies xx

......you'll find that the hole in your life is no longer a void, but space ......

I think that that's a good thought, Hecho. It resonates with me, certainly.

I'm very sorry, catlovingdoctor. It's a desperately hard thing to do even when you know it's right.