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The litter tray

Think I've made a huge mistake getting a kitten [sad]

43 replies

Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 12:24

Please be gentle with me, I really need some help and advice. Brief history, we lost our lovely old lab on Friday due to a bone tumour. Obviously all (me, DH, and 2DC aged 9 and 7) completely devastated. On saturday, still in shock, we went out and bought a new kitten as I was so desparate to try and 'fix' things and give the DC something positive to focus on and give our 4 year old cat a playmate (not intended to replace our dog but i know it might come across like that!). I should add here that I lost my sister last year and my dad the year before so have had a lot of grief to deal with and I feel I was just completely unequipped to deal with our dog's death.

Anyway, the long shot is that I cannot bond with the kitten. I feel I've made a big mistake. Our existing cat is stressed and is hissing and growling at her and I feel guilty towards him, towards my DC, towards the kitten, towards our old dog ... I feel like I've messed up big time and I realise I should have given it time to process what happened with our dog. I have never ever been this rash before and normally think very carefully about these things.

I have already spoken to my DC about maybe not keeping the kitten if our cat is getting too upset and they fully understand that. Truth is, I think the main reason I wouldn't want to keep the kitten is because I think it was a mistake getting her and I can't bond with her Sad. We got her from a breeder so would go back there. I am feeling so anxious about the situation that I cant stop crying, can't eat and haven't slept properly the last couple of nights. What do I do for the best?

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dingit · 16/09/2014 12:27

Give it more time. When I got our kittens, I hated them, as they kept peeing everywhere until they got the hang of their litter tray.
Your other cat will also come to accept it.
You are still grieving for your dog too Thanks

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frownyface · 16/09/2014 12:30

Oh dear. I feel for you and the kitten. You were very foolish but you obviously know that.
How have you gone about introducing the cats? Its not something that can be rushed. You got the cat too early and introduced it to the other cat too fast. You need time, as does the kitten and your older cat. I hope this makes you tjink twice over buying an animal on a whim, for whatever reason.

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frownyface · 16/09/2014 12:31

And the breeder you baught the cat from was very irresponsible :(

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VenusRising · 16/09/2014 12:37

Rehome asap your kitten and be easy on yourself. The breeder will find a family for her.

Sometimes we do things which at the time seem to be the right thing to do, but aren't actually.

Have you had bereavement therapy with anyone yet?

I ask because maybe I know a little bit of what youre feeling, I lost my sister and father within 6 months and found that talking about them was very cathartic- my friends only could hear about them so many times before they started backing away!

I went to someone to figure out why I was so very upset, and when that clicked, I could move on without the need to fill up the space they left, or lose friends by crying over them every time we chatted.


Fwiw I also rehomed a 10 week old kitten last week due to strangely developing an allergy to her after a week.

I thought to rehome sooner rather than better was best for the kitten, and so it's proved to be. I still feel pretty bad about it, but I see the week we had with her as a fostering arrangement, and important for her socialisation. Just a pity we couldn't keep her- she was fab.

Be kind to yourself and cuddle your DCs and old moggie. Take it one day at a time.

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VenusRising · 16/09/2014 12:39

You're kind of living up to your name there frownyface Hmm

Perhaps read all of the OPs post before honking up your judgy pants. This isn't AIBU ya know. Easy tiger.

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frownyface · 16/09/2014 12:40

Perhaps you shouldnt have given ur kitten up after a bloody week because of an 'allergy' i hardly think u are in a position to judge

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frownyface · 16/09/2014 12:43

Sorry OP. Its a hard call to make, do u give it time and see how u and your family settle or give the kitten back to the breeder asap. Only you can make that call.

venus i apologise for being a grumpy moo. Sorry.

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Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 12:45

Venus - no I haven't had therapy but maybe I cd do with some as I really feel emotionally out of control and can't trust any decisions I may make. My gut feeling is telling me to re-home the kitten but I worry about my DC who have just said goodbye to their dog Sad. They do seem to understand though and it wouldn't be as traumatic as losing our dog if its done sooner rather than later.

I am so sorry for your losses.

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Legionofboom · 16/09/2014 12:46

I agree that you should arrange to rehome the kitten as soon as possible.

The situation is far from ideal, you can now see what you did was rash and ill thought out but don't be too hard on yourself. Losing a much loved dog so soon after the loss of two close family members is a huge amount for you to process.

Take a deep breath, rehome the kitten and then perhaps consider Venus's idea of some bereavement counselling. Flowers

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Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 12:50

Frowny, believe me, I have had many pets in my life and this particular situation is completely unique and out of character for me. I think the death of my dog reignited the overwhelming feelings of grief from my other losses and I acted foolishly and rashly. I am doing all the right things for the kitten - she has her own space and things and older cat has only just today been allowed to see her nose to nose for a short time.

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Legionofboom · 16/09/2014 12:51

Don't worry about your DC having to say goodbye to the kitten too much. It sounds like they understand and they probably don't like seeing your cat so upset.

What is more important is that you are able to get back to being able to eat and sleep.

Do it quickly for everyone's sake.

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Leveret · 16/09/2014 12:54

Sounds like you should speak to the breeder about the kitten. My experience with a good breeder is that they would happily take back a kitten if there were any problems whatsoever. It isn't as if you had reserved her for any length of time from what you say.

Having said all that, if you do keep her I am sure it will be fine and you will bond with her over time.

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/09/2014 13:00

Either call the breeder today, apologise profusely and take the kitten back.
or
Make the effort - if you are having a bad day, just think how the kitten is feeling..... ? Not having a go, but the post is all about you. The kitten has had it's own bereavement of sorts.

I'm really sorry your lab has passed away.

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marne2 · 16/09/2014 13:15

So sorry that you lost your dog Sad.

It took me a long time to bond with our cat, when we first got him he was a nightmare, the kids were scared of him, dh was moaning about it scratching things ( which made the dd's even worse ), I had to shut the poor thing in the bathroom at night so it wouldn't jump on the dd's when they were sleeping, we considered re homing him. He was then very poorly and we almost lost him, since then we have bonded and the dd's have got used to him, he now sleeps on my bed ( sometimes in my bed ) and he's the best cat anyone could with for.

I'm sure your other cat will get used to the new kitten, when we brought a puppy home my cat was mortified and his upstairs for a few weeks, they are now best friends ( has taken over a year for the cat to come and lie down with the dog ).

If you really feel it's not going to work then do contact the breeding, explain the situation, maybe in a few months or a years time you may feel ready to get another dog or a cat, at the moment you are still grieving for the dog you lost.

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Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 16:48

Thanks Marne, it's helpful to know that others have struggled with bonding too. I have never had this issue before but I guess it's because I am grieving and need time.

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chockbic · 16/09/2014 16:52

I think you do need time to grieve afterwards. Although its tempting to try and fill that dreadful gap they leave.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

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TalkinPeace · 16/09/2014 16:56

Give it a week.
Tell the breeder just in case.
But give it a week.

I had my cat put down yesterday and still checked her spot on the sofa as I came in today.

When old cat died years ago (and we then had no pets) we stupidly got two rescue kittens on the rebound.
One of them is now our much adored bowling ball cat
the other went back to the shelter as they needed to be separated

give it time

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McGlashan · 16/09/2014 17:02

It took me ages to bond with our 2 new cats even though the cats they were replacing had been dead a while. Don't know why. Even if you haven't just lost a pet there can always be the WTF have I done when the cats don't get on to start with. They will eventually.
I just stuck it out and lovebombed them. After a month or so I was fine.

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wantacatplease · 16/09/2014 18:28

Have no other advice but here's Brew and Thanks. Go easy on yourself.

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Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 21:40

You've all been so lovely even though I know I deserve a flaming!

Talkinpeace - sorry about your cat Sad.

I am going to give it some more time and give both cats lots of attention and see if I can make this work.
Thanks again.

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ShoeWhore · 16/09/2014 21:48

Oh OP I am so sorry for your losses. Flowers You've had a lot of grief to deal with over the past couple of years and it's not surprising that you're not able to think straight at the moment. I'm sure that how you are feeling right now is not just about your lovely dog but your sister and dad too.

Perhaps you just aren't really in the right frame of mind for dealing with a new kitten right now? They are gorgeous but maybe more than you really need to take on?

Good luck with deciding what to do.

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Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 21:51

Thanks shoewhore.

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Legionofboom · 17/09/2014 11:11

I hope you slept a bit better last night having made the decision Canshop

Look after yourself as well as the cats. Flowers

BTW when we got a kitten it took a while for the cat to get used to it. He hid under the bed mostly. The kitten was fascinated by the cat and one day when they were in the same room the kitten got close and the cat sent a paw out and pinned him down by the back of his neck. I was about to rescue the poor little thing when the cat proceeded to lick the kitten clean for about 5 mins. After that they were best of friends.

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VenusRising · 17/09/2014 12:30

Legionofboon, that's so cute.
I hope things go well for you canshopwillshop.

Take it easy on yourself, and look into that talk therapy.
It's amazing how just talking can help- I found grief to be a twisty road, there were times when it was clear ahead, and times when I was blindsided by something round a corner.

I thought that I'd got over everything, but when my little cat died suddenly last year I was pitched back to feeling sad, and cried and cried: couldn't stop for days. Cried at work, cried driving, cried cooking dinner.

This year I felt it was time to get another cat, but out of the blue was a sneezing and wheezing wreck - my immune system acting up like crazy, and totally unexpectedly, so we rehomed the little kitten who was perfect, except I couldn't go near her!
Still bawled my eyes out- it was awful to bring her back, but she's happy as anything, and I can breathe again. I'm going to have some allergy testing as I picked up a parasite on my hols (nice) and have obviously done something to my immune system.

Frownyface, you're fine! Sorry if I was a bit sharp with you Grin rehoming is an emotive issue, but sometimes it just has to be done.

We are all rooting for you Canshopwillshop Flowers hope they settle in together and you find your footing. Think about the therapy with a bereavement specialist - it doesn't have to be a religious experience, just having a chat, and finding a way to express your feelings. Cake Brew

Let us know how things are going.

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Canshopwillshop · 17/09/2014 21:55

Legion and Venus - thanks for asking after me Smile. I slept much better and feel much calmer today thank you. I have been really trying with the kitten. She seems to have found her confidence and has been a little mad thing today!
Not sure what big cat's behaviour is telling me - he is very curious and vocal and doesnt seem stressed but keeps trying to get on top of her (not in a sexual way, he's neutered). Is it him just trying to be dominant? She is a little spitfire and having none of it!
I am still taking each day at a time but have also got a back up plan if things don't work out. My nephew and his wife have said they would love to take her in and at least she would stay part of the family.
Venus - like you, I have been blindsided by the grief Sad. Losing my dog triggered it and sent me spiralling backwards. I spent hours yesterday with one of my closest friends who told me to write down everything that was in my head - 2 sheets of A4 later and I did feel better!

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