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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

Think I've made a huge mistake getting a kitten [sad]

43 replies

Canshopwillshop · 16/09/2014 12:24

Please be gentle with me, I really need some help and advice. Brief history, we lost our lovely old lab on Friday due to a bone tumour. Obviously all (me, DH, and 2DC aged 9 and 7) completely devastated. On saturday, still in shock, we went out and bought a new kitten as I was so desparate to try and 'fix' things and give the DC something positive to focus on and give our 4 year old cat a playmate (not intended to replace our dog but i know it might come across like that!). I should add here that I lost my sister last year and my dad the year before so have had a lot of grief to deal with and I feel I was just completely unequipped to deal with our dog's death.

Anyway, the long shot is that I cannot bond with the kitten. I feel I've made a big mistake. Our existing cat is stressed and is hissing and growling at her and I feel guilty towards him, towards my DC, towards the kitten, towards our old dog ... I feel like I've messed up big time and I realise I should have given it time to process what happened with our dog. I have never ever been this rash before and normally think very carefully about these things.

I have already spoken to my DC about maybe not keeping the kitten if our cat is getting too upset and they fully understand that. Truth is, I think the main reason I wouldn't want to keep the kitten is because I think it was a mistake getting her and I can't bond with her . We got her from a breeder so would go back there. I am feeling so anxious about the situation that I cant stop crying, can't eat and haven't slept properly the last couple of nights. What do I do for the best?

OP posts:

TalkinPeace · 17/09/2014 22:00

Canshop
So, so glad that you are unloading everything on this thread
and
that your cat (being a darned cat) does not give a toss, but is pleased that you are relaxing.

If they are not growling, all bodes well. Sit back and enjoy : cats are v v well tooled up - if they are unimpressed you'll know
and use the soul baring to clear your head of lots of things

clouds / silver linings / good outcomes

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 17/09/2014 22:26

Talkin - lots of growling from little cat but not from big cat. Time will tell... I'll let you know.

OP posts:

TalkinPeace · 17/09/2014 22:37

((canshop))
when I introduced thick cat to bowling ball there was about three days of hissing and then within a week they slept curled up together

compost was different in that she had clearly been a v v v dominant cat : its going to take time to get the other two to realise she's no longer in this room!

cats are daft things
BUT
plonk your emotions on here where they will flow away
and save your affection for your pets and family

yawningbear · 18/09/2014 07:51

Sounds like you have had such a difficult time Canshop, so sorry for all of your losses , glad to hear things seem a little more settled on the cat front.

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 19/09/2014 22:17

Looks like the furry terror is here to stay! Big cat has asserted his authority by 'covering' her several times a day (lots of growling and pissed off face from kitten but he's not hurting her). Big cat now taking on responsible role (unheard of!). He is shadowing her every move, either sitting back and watching or intervening if he thinks she is getting out of hand. She has wormed her way into my affections too, despite the fact that she knocked my lovely Jo Malone candle in glass holder on the floor and smashed it.
Feeling so much better.

OP posts:

ShoeWhore · 19/09/2014 22:46

Oh so pleased to hear it's working out canshop that's really lovely.

yawningbear · 20/09/2014 07:14

Excellent!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/09/2014 07:43

Glad things are improving. We adopted two cats this time last year (it was DH and the DCs who really wanted them and it took me a long time to agree to it) and it also took me a long time to adjust to having them. I really didn't feel the love for a long time and did wonder what on earth we'd done. We're ok though.

KatieKaye · 20/09/2014 07:52

Brilliant news!
I did a similar thing when my cat died - rehomed a 7 year old black male whose owner had died. He was a vert strange wee beast at first, doing thing like opening cupboard doors and crawling behind the space at the back! I took things very slowly, and gradually he bonded with me (hated the ExH though). Over about 3 months he became incredibly attached to me, more like a dog in that he simply had to be near me. If he was sitting beside me he would purr and drool with pleasure!
One of the loveliest cats I ever had.
Good luck and hope all continues to go well.

EATmum · 20/09/2014 08:06

So lovely to read that things are settling for you after such a difficult time. I think bonding can take time for sure. When our cat died (the one from before children, who we treated as if she was our child), I was devastated. It took about a year for me to feel ready to get the pair we have now, and while I liked them, I knew I didn't feel the same way about them.
It really wasn't until one of them got into a scrap with a car (he's daft, he actually ran into the side of the car and probably ended up with a ringing head) and ran off for a couple of days, that I realised how much they had become essential to our family. Enjoy your kitten and give him/her and you time.

MandarinCheesecake · 21/09/2014 09:16

Don't feel bad OP, I lost 2 of my cats last August and by the end of September I had 2 new kittens to contend with.
DH made the decision to get them, for me it was way to soon but he wasn't grieving the way I was, so it was easier for him.
I was the one who had to pick up and bury the 11 month old kitten after being hit by a car.
I was the one who had to take my very ill 11 year old cat to be PTS 4 days later.

To him they were just gone and although he was sad and missed them, he didn't see them go iykwim.
In hindsight I should have stopped him but I didn't.
It took me 6 months to accept them especially as one wasn't properly litter trained (farm kittens). I spent lots of time thinking the way you do and also couldn't get over the fact that the new kittens were not the cats I had lost.....I wanted them back so badly and resented the new kittens being there. I did what I had to do to look after them but the bond wasn't there.

All I will say is take one day at a time, yes you will have shitty days where you will think you have made such a huge mistake and your grief may hit like a ten tonne lorry and its at these time's it is very hard to think rationally as you have all sorts going through your head.
But then again you will also have the good days where you feel guilty for even letting the thought of rehoming the kitten cross your mind.

It is such an emotional roller coaster and I finally accepted that the new kittens didn't ask to come and live with me they were chosen. It wasn't their fault that my previous 2 were gone. They needed me and in time I realised I actually needed them too. We are now a nearly a year down the line and I love them both to pieces now. They are my babies and I wouldn't be without them.

So its baby steps at the moment, one day at a time. It wont be easy but if you realise that you need do to rehome then you can at least say you tried your very best Xxxxx

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 21/09/2014 16:59

Thanks Mandarin - so sorry for what you had to go through with your previous cats. Yes, I have taken the same stance you did as in the kitten didn't choose to live here - we chose her and its not her fault I got her too quickly after losing my dog. I also told myself that she is not a substitute pet, but a creature in her own right who needs our love and care. I am enjoying watching her and big cat play fighting - it's certainly livened him up a bit!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 21/09/2014 17:07

Now that she's staying, I thought I would post a photo. Thanks again for all your support.

Think I've made a huge mistake getting a kitten [sad]

OP posts:

TalkinPeace · 21/09/2014 17:52

THAT is a pretty kitty.
You will come to love her and obey her absolutely : as one always does with cats
they have domesticated us, not the other way around

CatKisser · 21/09/2014 17:59

That is the most beautiful kitten I've ever seen!!! Including its pissed-off face!
When I unexpectedly took in a tiny kitten, my older cat Snowers was so wary but very soon starting roughing her about, in a playful way, even though it worried me. They were fine and now she's a bit bigger she really gives him what for.
I also got Snowers very soon after the death of a much loved cat...of course it's a snap reaction but doesn't mean it's wrong.

CatKisser · 21/09/2014 18:00

Is it a tabby/bengal cross?

EvilRingahBitch · 21/09/2014 18:04

Gosh isn't she striking.

You could try Feliway to smooth the process for your older cat.

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 21/09/2014 20:52

Thank you Talkin - very true words!
Catkisser - she is a Bengal.
Evil - thank you. Actually big cat is quite relaxed now thankfully. I did consider Feliway at one point but think its going to be ok between them. I found them curled up together in the drawer under my bed earlier - I was so chuffed .

OP posts:

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