Our lovely old cat is very ill and will need putting down imminently - problem is DP is in denial so I think we'll have a battle on when the time comes - WWYD?

[MadreInglese]

Our 13yo cat has a large tumour in his abdomen which is causing v unpleasant toileting and the vet has said it's inoperable as too large and he is too old so they want to put him down in the next week or so It's very sad as he's quite a character but he's a good old age and it's just his time.

As he wasn't apparently in any pain or discomfort and is still merrily eating they've let us bring him home with some steroids but have warned us that the decline will be rapid and already he's slowing down (not that he was fast before!) and looking a bit dopey and unsteady.

I don't want to prolong it any more (we've already known for about a week and DD is distraught enough as it is without dragging it out) but DP keeps wittering on about he doesn't look any different to him and maybe he'll go on for another month or so

He's in complete denial and it's pissing me off now as I don't want the poor cat to suffer but as it's "his" cat (from just before we were together) I can't seem to force the issue without seeming like a heartless cow, but I think he should be the one to take him as he's mentioned wanting to bury him afterwards. It's looking like I'll have to deal with it and bring home a dead cat but I'm heavily pregnant with hyperemesis and feeling like shite so would rather not (am also thoroughly sick of being the one who has to 'sort' everything) but apart from it being totally unfair on the poor cat I don't want to be on maternity leave having to deal with horrendous cat diarhorrea daily just because he's too cowardly to accept the inevitable.

How to I get him to man up and sort the poor bloody cat out?

Would just take it to the vets tbh. Tell dh he deteroiated rapidly and you had to take it asap. Not nice for you but it's a whole lot less nice for the cat being so ill.

Poor cat.

I'd sit him down and spell it out for him.

His cat is ill and in pain with no hope of survival and his unwillingness to accept the inevitable is causing additional pain to everyone involved in the situation.

Could you ask him what he would want if he was as ill as the cat is?

That is how I dealt with knowing our poor old boy had to make his last trip to the vet.

I think hun, that over the next few days, it will become more and more apparrent that the cat is ready to go Hopefully, then dp will see for himself and deal with it. Also tell him the vet told you that a s apregnant woman you should not go anywhere near cat diarohea (sp?) which menas he simply has to sort it.

it doesn't help that he's mentioned that he can't believe the cat is terminal as he looks so well to MIL who has now started rabbiting on about getting a second opinion, it's also giving false hope to DD(13) who is trying very hard to deal with it in a grown up way, bless her

we've already spent £150 on scans and tests to tell us what we know now, why another vet would say any different I don't know, and at 13 it's doubtful he would survive an anaesthetic anyway, or that an operation would leave him in full health if he did survive it

I just wish he would DEAL WITH THINGS

It's really sad and hard for us all but I'm sick of having to be the bad guy who makes the shit decisions.

I really sympathise, if you know and the vet knows the time has come then you are the one that has to say. "This is the end,we must be responsible".
If your h is dragging his heels because you have spent so much,use the throwing good money after bad approach.
Dont engage in debate ,now isthe time to do the deed.
My experience was putting our kitty down, after steroid treatments she was no longer responding to for her neurological probs and which were damaging her.
16yo dd and h were in tears in the vets office, but needed someone else to make the decision.
Youwill cry, but you are not the bad guy, you are the responsible caring adult the cat needs at this moment. Keep your eye on what the cat needs.

just to add ,can the vet handle disposal of your cat, given your condition?

Any chance of a vet coming to your home to talk honestly about your cats prognosis, and have him put to sleep there? It might cost, though, but if DP is set on burying him you won't need to pay a cremation fee. Surely DP will see that being with his cat in his final moments is preferable to not being there while it is being operated on, and dying during or shortly after, with none of his familiar human family there?

In my experience, vets will do whatever they can to preserve life in an animal that has a reasonable prognosis and quality of life, but if they are saying your cat doesn't have that, his condition is serious.

There are books available dealing with grieving for a pet, would something like that help your DP to come to terms?

so sorry to hear about your poor kitty MI. I think you have to do the sensible thing here, which is take the vets advice. This is causing you stress which is not good for your situation.I think you have to overrule your DP on this occasion

oh he's no stranger to the process, we had a dog put down a few years ago, he just shies away from all the crappy jobs and they're left to me, well not this time

I will insist, it will happen, and I know he'll do it in the end, I just wish there didn't have to be such a bloody battle about it

(and he's a farmer FGS, you'd think he'd be much less sentimental about this kind of thing!)

second getting the vet to the house. it is much less traumatic all round. When my dog was at the end we dithered a bit and eventually I realised I was putting it off for me, not for him. Try putting it to your dp like that.

Oh my goodness me, I could have written your post. I just came on here to get some help/advice as our 12.5 year old sweet girl was just diagnosed yesterday with exactly the same thing.
She's also at home, having had a steroid injection, and is still eating and drinking happily. She hasn't reached the diarrhoea stage yet, and is still using the litter tray, but she is a bag of bones and just lies on our bed all day.
Sorry, I'm not really helping much advice wise, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. My cat is my baby, (she really was my baby substitute til I had DD), and I'm absolutely distraught, (as is DH). I don't think she's quite ready to go yet, but hope I'll have the strength to know when it's time.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to you and your family, (and cat). x

so sorry pmg

unmumsnetty hugs back to you x

Can I just say, having lost a fabulous cat 6 weeks ago to a tumour around the kidney (inoperable), and another last week to heart failure, that, however gut wrenchingly awful it is to take your beloved cat to the vet for the last time, you can console yourself (later) with the knowledge that you've done the right thing. I pushed my very emotional, in denial, DH to have the first cat put down - he was outwardly ok, but the vet was definite that he only had a week, maybe two (the cat, not DH!)and that he might not die in his sleep and that he might not go peacefully. I was going to take the cat to the vet myself, and tell DH and DS that he'd died in his sleep, during the day, although it broke my heart to think about it, but as it turned out when I told DH the terminal prognosis he was too upset to go to work, so we both went to the vet with him the following day.

Fast forward to last Wednesday night, cat number 2 (who had had a funny turn a few weeks before which I'd secretly googled as possibly heart failure and so was keeping a close eye on him) hid under our bed, and by 11pm he was breathing with difficulty. I won't go into the detail, so as not to upset anyone, but when he died, downstairs with me, at 2:30am, while I was weighing up the timescale and cost of an emergency vet, I felt like the most horrendous owner ever for putting him through that, and if that had been cat number one, who was more like a dog he was soooo friendly and loving, I'd have been even more absolutely distraught. (I hope that doesn't sound callous.)

Genuinely, I/we loved those cats, and I, hand on heart, can say that having our cat put to sleep was a mercy, and the least I could do, to give him dignity and a peaceful end, without suffering. I'm even blubbing now, writing this, but it's true.

Sorry if this is a bit over-emotional, but it's been a hell of a time, losing 2 cats in 6 weeks, having not lost any in the 11 years while I've been the "responsible adult" i.e. no parents at home to "deal" with it. I hope you can sort things out, and do what you think is right for your cat.

i think if it was mine id put the cat to sleep ,its had a good life and its not fair on the cat,belive me ive been there !!

So sorry to read about your cat. We were in exactly the same situation a couple of months ago. Our (well actually my DH's) cat had a tumour on her head. He was told it was inoperable. Within a couple of weeks she was limping and had a lump on her leg, but according to my DH she 'seemed to still be enjoying life'. I was really cross with him as clearly she had got a secondary tumour and the fact that she was limping meant that it must, at the very least, be uncomfortable. Should add that my DH is very much an animal lover, just that it was less painful for him to believe that she was still OK rather than face the difficult decision (he was very emotionally attached to that cat).

I made some gentle suggestions for a few days, but he shrugged them off. In the end, I sat him down and said it would be cruel to the cat to make her carry on any longer and he needed to have a long hard think about who was actually benefiting from keeping her alive - him or the cat? As a compromise, he agreed to take the cat back to the vet the following day. Our lovely vet gently persuaded him that it would be best for the cat if she didnt come home with him.

He is relieved now that he ended her suffering when he did rather than wait any longer.

How is your cat now?

Poor cat is still hanging on in there, he doesn't seem in pain but just very lethargic and unenthusiastic (although still eating)

DP is still in denial he still keeps wittering on that he can't see anything wrong with the cat so I suggested he call the vet to discuss it with an expert but he won't, I've told him if he tells DD one more time that the cat might be ok "for a few months or so" I'll hit the roof

The ultimatum now is that unless he makes an appointment this week I am taking the cat on Friday and I don't care any more if he thinks I'm a heartless cow

So we'll see if he steps up........

I can understand your frustration but you really can't take his cat to be put down without his knowledge and permission, especially if it is his cat.

You could discuss the cat's health with the vet and then talk it over with your husband as to where you go from here.

I totally sympathise as my cat is unwell and I have no idea how long she will be with us, but your husband is probably desperately sad and doesn't want to face reality .

Oh no, I've told him the ultimatum FAB, wouldn't do it without him knowing

He is desperately sad about it, we all are, he's a lovely lovely cat, god we've all cried buckets but keeping him going just because we'd be sad to lose him isn't fair on the poor thing

(and I'll be on maternity leave in a week so it'll be me nursing/cleaning up after/witnessing most of the dying cat's last few dragged out days/weeks which isn't something I want to do)

What is wrong with him?

Has your husband said why he won't take the cat tot he vet?

He has a large tumour in his abdomen that the vet says is inoperable because of his age, it's rapid-growing and there is no treatment. They wanted to put him down when I first took him to get checked out but I couldn't make that decision on the spot without DP so we brought him home with some steroids to keep him comfortable

The steroids are now finished and the decline in him is quite obvious (despite DP's oblivious denial), poor thing gets halfway across a room then lies down for a rest

DP's said he wants to "keep him as long as possible", he is gutted about it, but I've said that it's not fair on the poor bloody cat and he does begrudgingly agree - he just usually avoids dealing with crappy stuff in the hope that it'll go away, but this isn't going to

Have you asked him (calmly) if he would like you to take the cat to the vet? Maybe that would be a compromise as he can't face taking her.

yes I know I sound pissed off and ranty but all convos about it have been calm

I've said I'll take the cat, but then he says he'll sort it then he doesn't - and on and on in a loop

he's said he'll book an appt for Friday morning then he can bury him straight after at the farm

Has he booked yet?

I am sorry you are about to lose your cat .