I wish I could talk cat. I would say...

[TastesLikePanda]

Darling Matthew - just because I am walking into the kitchen, do not assume you are going to get fed again. I go in there for lots of reasons!

Dearest Jeffrey - I love you a lot but please do not walk on mummys brand new laptop with wet and muddy paws.

Oh and...
Darling cats - I have been going to the bathroom on my own for over 30 years. Do not feel as if you must accompany me there for every visit. I'm not doing anything exciting!
(and if yu try and cuddle me when I am dying my hair you might end up splodgy...)

Darling cats, when I go up to bed it's because I want to go to sleep, not because I want you to spend 15 minutes attacking my feet through the duvet. Then just as I am about to drift off please don't feel the need to use my head/stomach/(insert vunerable body part as applicable) as a launch pad for you to leap onto the windowsill. Also, if you feel the need to use the litter tray please don't wait until the minute I sit down to eat my dinner. It really is not nice to have to clean up your poo and then sit down to eat my dinner with the waft of cat poo in the air. Thank you, ThistleWhistle x

I know you are getting old but you are still capable of opening your own cat flap I should not have to do it for you. Also you do not need me to stand by your bowl while you eat. The food will taste the same even if I am not there.

Dear Ginger moron, just because it's raining is no excuse to crap in the floor right next to the litter tray

Dear Snowshoe, learn to jump!

Dear Jemima. It is a wheelie bin, not an alien space craft. You do not need to howl like a banshee every time you see it.

Daer Jemima. Actually, this bed is mine.

Dear Puss, I never eat mouse for breakfast. Especially not from my pillow. Not even if it's still warm.

at all of these.

Dear Arthur, I know you love ds very much and he is your human. But please can you leave his hair alone? Licking his hair clean at 5am wakes ds's daddy up. And ds's hair isn't dirty by human standards, honest, it does get washed regularly!

Dear Max. I understand that you get a poorly a tummy and when you need to go you need to go NOW. I cope with your mess because I love you but if you stopped eating the crappy Whiskas that your 2nd home gives you you wouldn't get a poorly tum quite so often. Dry biscuits may not be as appealling but I give you them for a reason.

PS. I know that you love me. You really do not need to bring home live insects for me. I don't actually like them that much.

PPS. This summer you still will not be able to gtet back odwn if you try if and jump through the living room window. Please stop doing this. It's gets a bit boring having to rescue you every hour.

Dearest tabitha, we already have pet rodents (as you are fully aware) we do not need any more, especially baby rats! Love you

"i'm sitting down, Johann, I'm not a seat"
"please don't use the newspaper around the litter tray to do really smelly poos, it's not nice and i have to clean it up because it makes me sick"

"sebastian, dearest, I have an alarm clock. It's set to go off at 7:45. I don't need a Feline alarm clock to wake me up at 1/4 past 7"

P.s I know you are being friendly, but the hamsters don't want to play

Dear Harry Potter,

I'm sorry you have a boy's name even though you are a girl. Blame ds.

1. You are not allowed under the kitchen cupboards, deal with it.
2. Well done on picking up on the fact meowing is not appreciated at 6 o'clock in the morning.
3. If you were to come and sit where I am, I would stroke you more, but you prefer to do your own thing, which is fine. I'd like you to be more affectionate but accept that a cat will do what a cat will do.

Dear Blue.... thank you for the rats,shrews and mice and I am extremely pleased you are no longer bringing them live into the house. However it might be best if you would stop leaving their remains right outside the doors where my children step in them on their way out to play. Also, could you please stop digging up my only flower bed to crap in. And finally, the grey mouse is a toy... your kittens (who are full grown and you hate) won't come and eat it no matter how much you meow for them and it's quite irritating whilst we watch tv.

Dear Muggs.... you stink, please clean yourself. And if I catch you crapping in my kitchen again I will be forced to murder you so for your own safety please don't do it.

Dear Samhain... we don't bite, honestly. You've been handled since the moment you were born so there's really no need to jump every time we move. Why is it that you only want to cuddle us when we're on the toilet btw? We're just as friendly the rest of the time.

Dear Dude.... You're daft as hell but we love you

Dear Petie... Stop kneading everyone half to death sweetie... we're not your mommy, your mommy is the one walking around with a toy mouse howling for attention. You're a sweetie though and I forgive you.

Dear Chairman Mao,
If it is raining at the back door, it is raining at the front door.
I do NOT need to come and see the spider you've just spotted. Especially at 4am.
Chicken, fish or whatever I'm cooking is human food. Not Mao food. Get stuffed and eat your own.

Dear Chairman Mao,
If it is raining at the back door, it is raining at the front door.
I do NOT need to come and see the spider you've just spotted. Especially at 4am.
Chicken, fish or whatever I'm cooking is human food. Not Mao food. Get stuffed and eat your own.

Dear Ginger Moron, yes I know your tail is curly and bushy but you dont need to swish it in my face every time I sit on the sofa, especially if there's pooey bits in it where you havent kept it out of the way...

Dear Snowshoe, the catflap isn't a portal to another dimension. Really. It isn't.

STOP SHITTING IN MY GARDEN YOU BASTARDS! [ANGRY]

ooh, smileys don't work with caps lock on, well I never.

Felix,
Ginger Kitten is trying to make friends, he does not want to kill you - chill.
Oh, and don't try to hang yourself in the roman blinds, life's not that bad.
(Have taken them down now, dozy cat)

Have laughed myself silly at these.

Dear Katie. Please do not come and sit on my head in the night when you have poo crumbs attached to your bottom.

Why did you eat the whiskas every day last week and this week keep walking away from the bowls as if it is poison and crying for something else?

Why do you have to have a comfy seat all day and night when all the cats I see in mags and on tv are sleeping on mats and in baskets

To any cat, not just mine: what IS the deal with newspapers? Why is sitting on them so irresistible? I get ripping them up, must be very satisfying, but really, are they that comfy?

Also, to Arthur - the reason we put that scratching post string round the bannister was so you could scratch happily without damaging the wood. We know you need to sharpen your claws. This was a compromise. So why have you now started to attack the other ruddy bannisters? We've given you one, could you possibly leave the others alone?

Small cat, please stop pooing on the doormat. And the doorstep. And in the bath. And on any item that is left on the floor.

(I would then repeat again, at 3 minute intervals,as small cat is product of very close feline relatives getting too close, and thus is not the brightest. This also explains the poo issues)

Diva cat - DH may fawn over you like the godess you believe yourself to be, I however am made of sterner stuff and will not permit you to steal my side of the bed - again.