Extreme puppy blues - don't know what to do

[ThrowawayName987]

We're 10 days in with our first puppy. We've planned this for months, chose the breed and breeder carefully, had a deposit on him since he was a week old, travelled a four hour round trip to see him twice and then to collect him - we had thought this through so carefully. And he's perfect - calm, content, and a great fit into our family.

So why do I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life? I keep imagining the relief I would feel if we returned him to the breeder. I can no longer think of a single positive reason to own a dog, and I just want to disappear. I had terrible pregnancy and postnatal depression with my first child, and I'm back there again. Feeling incredibly low and very dark.

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? Should we return him? He's the sweetest, gentlest little thing - I want what's best for him. My children (4 and 7) already adore him and would he devasted if we didn't keep him I feel totally trapped.

Please be kind with me, I already feel like a monster.

Honestly, if you're saying he's calm and content (by which I assume he's not a raging landshark etc) then yes I would re-home.

If the puppy was being as awful as some puppies can be, I would stay stick it out. But if you're not even struggling with the puppy itself but the idea of him that's very different to struggling with behaviours. Even when puppies are being horrible little piranhas and you want nothing more than to lock them in a different room to you, they should still bring you joy. If your boy isn't doing that, then it's not a good fit.

Dog ownership isn't for everyone (I assume this is a first dog?) and there's no harm in that.

Give it another week. Make sure you get time away from the puppy. Do normal stuff.
It does get better, and you'll not remember these weeks.

I’ve had dogs for 25+ years and have 10 month old at the moment with 3 other adult dogs and some days I could murder the little little rat.

If you feel like this with a calm lovely puppy which is the easy part then in his teenage years it gets much harder so in your situation I’d say contact the breeder.

The first few weeks are hard but in comparison to 8months - 2 years that’s like newborn days.

is anyone helping you? DH for example what’s the family set up are you home all day?

I would suggest you talk to your GP, if you’ve got a history of postnatal depression. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with the puppy itself but perhaps the transition to this new responsibility has knocked you off kilter.

You sound as though underneath the shock of the new you might really like your pup OP. You say perfect - calm, content, great fit into our family, sweetest, gentlest...it sounds as though you are a bit smitten.

The shock of a new dog is quite overwhelming for everyone, do you think you just need time to settle? Especially as you've just had all the stress of Christmas, school holidays and things? What's your DP saying? Is s/he bearing half the responsibility of puppy duties? Are you managing to get on with your own normal things too? 0

Sounds like the new puppy has triggered the old long buried post natal feelings

Id see your GP asap. Perhaps a short course of medication could work to lift this current black cloud. Doesn’t sound like it’s anything the puppy is ‘doing’ to cause it so it’s clearly your hormones at play here

make sure you’re getting time away from the puppy and as much support as you need to get over what I’m pretty sure will be a blip. It’s extremely common.

if you don’t feel you can work to overcome this then re-homing is your other option

You're not a monster, and your puppy sounds lovely and in theory a good choice. I think it's normal to be stressed by a new dog and find it an adjustment, but in your case it sounds like it's very much triggered your postnatal depression which is a much more serious thing. Agree with the poster above who suggests talking to your GP or finding some other help.

You say 'we' - is there a partner there who could take most of the responsibility for the puppy for the time being?

If not, it'll cause upset, but your own wellbeing has to be the no 1 priority.

A dog is a massive change to your life and routine. I've had dogs all my life and every time we get a new one I wonder if I should have decided not to this time around. It passed and you can't imagine life without them.

They are, however, a tie. So if you're used to the freedom of not having to think about when the dog needs the loo, how long they've been left etc, it can seem even more overwhelming.

I'd give it a little longer, and maybe use whatever coping mechanisms you learned to pull yourself out of the pit before. If you still want to contact the breeder then, then go for it.

My friend had extreme depression and anxiety after getting her puppy. The puppy is 2 now and everyone is happy but it was a really rough time for her! Puppy blues definitely a thing.

I think you should return him to the breeder. The sooner the better. I'm thinking of you but also the puppy. He deserves to be loved and wanted and he will be sensing your low mood and anxiety. The kids will be upset for a while but childen quickly get over things and realistically they aren't going to be the ones looking after him. It's a shame but at least you know that a dog isn't for you and I hope you won't be persuaded into making the same mistake again. You won't be the first. Often the reality of pet ownership doesn't match the dream.

I had this. Very horrible feeling. I loved my dog as a puppy, but I also experienced the feeling of dread. It passed as I adapted to him being in our lives. It’s a big change. I absolutely love my dog to bits now. I don’t even understand where those feelings came from. Maybe give it a week or two and see how you feel. If you don’t feel any better, ask the breeder if they will have him back. If you don’t feel right, please don’t force yourself to continue because you’re worried what others will think. Put your mental health first.

I don’t think this is about the dog - it’s about the trauma following your birth. I think you might need therapy for that. At the very least try a huge brain dump every day by writing / journaling all your feelings. It needs to come out and be processed. Maybe on mumsnet on a different board about what you experienced?

You have my greatest sympathies OP, i'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself, and try to prioritise you and your mental health as much as you can. I've been there, so have some thoughts to share.

The reality is that having a puppy is as rough as having a newborn, in some ways worse. Disrupted sleep, noise, mess, pressure to train them - all on top of your usual responsibilities. I think you would have to decide that you will just pull up your sleeves, accept that it will be really tough for a good while and crack on. Remember: you raised two little children from newborns. You are able to look after a puppy. If you think you can push on and through the cloud you're in, then you can do it. Only you will know if you can.

But on the flip side, it's okay to admit that this is not for you, especially considering your mental health. At this stage, the puppy will be quickly re-homed and won't even look back or remember you (sorry, it sounds harsh, but it's the truth of it and honestly for the best). Don't keep the puppy to please other people, including the children. Keep the puppy because you want to, and because you can commit to the work. Your children will be sad if he goes, but that's ok. Be honest with them in an age appropriate way. Don't lie about it. And let them speak openly about their feelings as much and as often as they want to. I think it's actually modelling a healthy level of responsibility to teach them about recognising when we make the wrong choice, rectifying it responsibly and being honest. From the children's perspective, they will be far better off with a healthy and mentally strong mother, than one who is suffering for the sake of a puppy. Then, don't get another puppy or dog or at least for a good long while. Take this as a message from the universe telling you it's not right for you.

Either way, the decision is yours and it will all be ok. But do look after yourself, and take care.

It’s very very common to feel the way you do.

When we got our first puppy I tried to rehome her three times! Eventually accepted keeping her. (And decided a good plan was to get a second to keep her company! 🙄).

It did pass. I got used to the life changes. And got used to her. And she became more independent. I struggled with her following me everywhere when I was home.

It’s a huge adjustment and so so many people feel like you do. I’ve read many many threads on here over the years with people struggling just like you are.

It will pass. 4 weeks in I almost returned our puppy. It was exhausting and she was a bitey demon. She's now lovely and I wouldn't be without her

You're not a monster 💐. If I had a pound for all the extreme puppy blues threads I've read on here over the years I'd be rich. It's hard going.

I am so grateful for these kind replies, I'm in tears reading them.

There's a tiny voice in my mind, telling me that I'd regret giving him back and that a dog - one exactly like this - has been part of my dream for our family for a long time. I grew up with dogs and was devasted when our last family dog was PTS a few years ago.

I will contact my GP in the morning and ask for a short course of medication, and I'm going to try to access counselling to try to understand why I've reacted this way.

I've told my husband that if I'm still feeling this way in two weeks, we will reconsider whether this is the right decision for us and for the puppy. He is a beautiful, lovely boy - I know he'd find a wonderful home in seconds if it can't be with us. And no, I would never consider another puppy or dog if this situation ends up in us returning him to the breeder.

Thanks again for the kindness in this thread, I feel so ashamed of how I'm feeling and your replies have helped so much.

We got a puppy in Aug, he was a pretty good lad and I really struggled for a few weeks. Just felt like why have I tied myself to this beast when my kids are growing up and becoming more independent... He was very clingy and I felt smothered etc etc. I'd hide in the bath crying!!! He didn't feel like mine.

It got better so quickly and how he's 8 months and light of our lives. We've got used to doing things with (and sometimes without) him, it all works.

It sounds hard for you as this has triggered a lot of the post natal depression. I'd just see how you feel in a few weeks and be accepting that it's fine to feel crap about it, you've not failed at all. From what you say you really wanted the dog and when you all get used to each other and you are able to sit with your negative feelings you'll be fine. It's weird with dogs as you're not bonded with them as you are a child so it takes a while for them to feel truly part of the family. But it will come in sure xx

@ThrowawayName987 don't forget that new puppy time requires being in the garden in the middle of the night for the first week or so, which results in sleep deprivation. And EVERYTHING feels so much worse when you're exhausted.

That phase will pass, hopefully quickly depending on the breed. Collies, for example, are usually pretty quick at going overnight. After you start getting some sleep back, it'll feel less overwhelming too.

Good call on contacting the GP. It's not always easy to recognise when you've fallen back into a state that requires help, so well done.

Oh love. I felt exactly the same with my blessed girl, now asleep on my lap, aged 2.5. I had longed for her and yet I hated her. She was a perfect puppy and somehow I couldn’t stand being around her. I thought I had a kind of PND – having not had it for real, that felt like the closest comparison – and went to the doctor crying. It all seems very silly now but it didn’t feel silly at the time. I think ultimately it was the upheaval in our lives more than anything else.

I offered her to everyone I met on walks – my parents were nearly having her, my partner, who works away, was going to take her to work with him to give me respite. I used to tell everyone how amazing she was – when she was asleep! I couldn’t stand her being awake and in the house. The stress gave me hives – it was ridiculous. And then one day I told myself to get a grip and to take control of my life again and I did, and it was all fine after that – genuinely. I know it sounds glib but I found a way to flick the switch in my head.

I appreciate my girl so much more because I found it tough to start with. As much as a dog can be someone’s best friend, she is mine. I can’t imagine life without her, but the beginning was tough and lots of tears were shed – I had some very dark days and nights.

There’s nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about. You can do this! But if you decide that you don’t want to, that’s absolutely OK too.

Honestly, I totally get this. I had bad puppy blues when we first got our Labrador, who is now 14 months. I think for me, it was how naughty he was and the huge upheaval in lifestyle and commitment (and sleep deprivation
!). I'll be honest, I still feel the same sometimes but it's getting less. My honest advice would be to give it some more time but don't sit too long on making a decision, and don't feel bad if you rehome them. You got this puppy with the best intentions and sometimes things just don't work out. As long as you rehome in a responsible way (i.e. through the breeder) then I don't think it's a problem at all. I'm not saying this to put you off, but even at 14 months it's still difficult. I'd say persevere for the better dog on the other side if you feel you can, but only you know if that's something you can do.

The puppy blues is very, very common. If you goggle it you will see lots of results and lots of Mumsnetters have talked openly about their feelings. I raised a guide dog puppy for one year and despite knowing that my time with him was limited to just that short amount of time, I still cried on occasion with frustration, regret and sadness that I had sabotaged my nice quiet life.

By the end of the year I cried again when I had to hand him back. He had become such a lovely part of my family and was so much easier once housetrained and once he could be left alone for up to 4 hours. Tiny puppies are so vulnerable & needy it can make us feel trapped like with a newborn. The big difference is, they grow up within a few months.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t want to minimise your feelings. I didn’t suffer from PND and maybe the puppy is triggering negative emotions in you that make the experience of owning a puppy far harder for you than it was for me. I think it’s good you continue talking to your husband and maybe a counsellor honestly about your feelings. You’re not a monster you sound like a lovely person who is struggling. And you won’t be to blame if you do decide ultimately that you do need to return the puppy. If you do then I’m sure another family will quickly adopt such a lovely puppy so you don’t need to feel too guilty about that decision.

I am so glad to see that you've had some really lovely responses and words of support on here OP. I'm sorry you're struggling with your thoughts, I honestly think you need to stick it out and accept/recognise these thoughts you're having, keep reminding yourself that these thoughts will pass, and make sure to have moments of fun and relaxation while you ride it out.

It sounds like dog ownership is not for you. Return him to the breeder asap.

What you are feeling is totally normal when you get a puppy. It's just not quite as lovely as it seems when you see other people with puppies. I'm on my third puppy now and I felt absolutely jaded for the first 2 months of having him. Now he's 6 months and he is an absolute dream. So funny, so cuddly, sleeps for 10 hours at night, loves playing with other dogs, loves his walks etc. It's a completely different dog to when he first came.

I do think though, because of your history with PND, you should perhaps consider some counselling or medication in the short term. It sounds like there is a lot of love in your family for this little guy, delegate the care if you need to but please don't give up on him. It does get so much easier quite quickly.