Extreme puppy blues - don't know what to do

[ThrowawayName987]

We're 10 days in with our first puppy. We've planned this for months, chose the breed and breeder carefully, had a deposit on him since he was a week old, travelled a four hour round trip to see him twice and then to collect him - we had thought this through so carefully. And he's perfect - calm, content, and a great fit into our family.

So why do I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life? I keep imagining the relief I would feel if we returned him to the breeder. I can no longer think of a single positive reason to own a dog, and I just want to disappear. I had terrible pregnancy and postnatal depression with my first child, and I'm back there again. Feeling incredibly low and very dark.

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? Should we return him? He's the sweetest, gentlest little thing - I want what's best for him. My children (4 and 7) already adore him and would he devasted if we didn't keep him I feel totally trapped.

Please be kind with me, I already feel like a monster.

I also felt like this when I got my puppy - it was all a bit of a whirlwind and she sort of just landed in my life. To be clear - before her I had never so much as committed to a basil plant let alone a dog. I had never had to consider another living being in my home ever.

It was a shock to the system and I also thought WTF have I done?! I an also a massive over thinker and had thiughts like yours. I an ashamed to say that I even opened the wood green page in absolute tears.

But I didn't fill in the form. I had one friend who told me quite seriously that I would regret giving her up and I cannot put into words how relieved I am that I listened to him. I type this now as dog and I are snuggled in bed 2 years on, and she is the absolute gem of my heart.

I think you would massively regret rehoming him OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all, and I’m glad you are recognising it and speaking to your GP. Don’t underestimate the good dogs can do for people who struggle either - you may find when you look back in a few years that he was the best thing you could’ve done.

Puppy Blues is normal, but I'm going against the grain of "it gets easier". It does, up to a point, once they're toilet trained, lead trained and have their adult teeth. But in some ways the worst is yet to come because you need to factor in adolescence. The period from about 7 or 8 months up to 18 months/2 years can be far more challenging than the baby stage. This is particularly true with larger, stronger breeds (do we know what this puppy is?) because they have a baby brain in an adult size body. This is the stage when a lot of dogs (especially males) end up in rescue.

For me, puppy blues came late and adolescence was the more difficult phase, so I do think this needs to be factored in here. You can't just think all is fine after the first 4 months, because it isn't always the case.

This is my biggest fear at the moment - that I grit my teeth and wait it out but it doesn't get better. He's a whippet, and I think their adolescence can be pretty testing (although hopefully not as bad as some other, larger breeds).

I feel an absolutely overwhelming sense of dread this morning. Been holding back tears since I got up. Waiting to hear back from the GP, so trying to be proactive here!

Respectfully, I disagree that in some ways the worst is yet to come. To my mind, nothing is more stressful than the baby phase when they are weeing and pooing everywhere, biting everyone's hands & ankles and crying & fussing when not asleep (thank God they sleep a lot or I feel fewer would make it to adulthood). You're also sleep deprived so it's more similar to having a human baby than you expect it to be.

I respect that some people find the adolescent stage as hard or harder but personally I found it much easier and I have had 2 Labs which are a fairly large and boisterous breed. Even if they do pull on the lead or jump up inappropriately etc, at least they can go on walks and release some energy and be tired once back home. At least you can start to leave them for increasingly longer amounts of time. At least they stop biting you all the time, or should do. They settle into a night time routine so everyone gets more sleep. You understand each other better & begin to be friends whereas when they arrive they can feel like little strangers that you would quite like to go home.

Again, I appreciate that some people may also struggle with the adolescent stage but @ThrowawayName987 may not.

I really do feel for you. I know what depression is like. I hope you can get some support, be it a short course of medication or some talking therapy, just to get you through this difficult period.

I have never found the teen stage to be worse. During the first weeks you have to watch them all the time, they have no bladder control, they bite you, they are so fragile yet studpidly ballsy. When they hit the teens you will have developed a bond with the dog and you will understand them much better. Yes, there will probably be moments when you feel like all the training you have done has gone out the window and you are back to square one, but it's nothing at all like the baby stage. Whippets are lovely dogs too. Usually very affectionate and smart. Good choice of dog.

Even if you do decide to return him, I don't think this needs to be the case, @ThrowawayName987:
And no, I would never consider another puppy or dog if this situation ends up in us returning him to the breeder.
Well, not another puppy obviously but I don't think you should rule out adopting an adult dog when your children are older.
I've never had a pup and after reading about them on MN, I never will! An adult dog is a big adjustment but nothing in comparison to a pup by all accounts.

Perhaps I'm unusual then @Twiglets1 and @Snoken in finding the puppy stage far easier than adolescence.

All 9 of our dogs were good, calm, quiet puppies. I never found the toileting, biting stage an issue. I rear free range with no crate and teach the pups to settle quietly, without stimulus, right from the start.

I don't know if the size is relevant to this, but I have a 50-60 kg giant guarding breed that is a world away from a whippet. My breed is boisterous and headstrong in adolescence, so I stand by what I said, though it may not be relevant for most, and probably won't apply to the OP now that we know what her breed is.

I really feel for you, OP. I don’t think it’s necessarily the puppy, but rather the change to your life. I too struggle with things like that, especially now during the peri menopause stage of my life.
Just give it more time before you make a decision. Putting pressure on yourself and overthinking it will just make you feel more and more overwhelmed.

I wish I had known that puppy blues was a thing, I would have expected it! I miss the freedom to do what i want when I want, but I wasn't really enjoying that freedom much anyway.

If you can afford it put puppy into home-style 24 hour daycare once a week, once again takes the stress off you, i found it a godsend and i was always glad to see her again,

If you haven't already can I suggest crate training puppy and working to a fairly strick routine? I am the world's worst at routine but it does mean that you know, for example, between 2 - 4 pm puppy is safe and resting, and can't get into trouble?

All the best with puppy, it is unlikely to really be a mistake because you didn't just do it on a whim and you are used to having a dog.

I agree that the teenage stage doesn't have to be awful. But some people find different ages harder, all dogs are different and breeds mature at different rates with varied quirks. A whippet is a gorgeous choice – not too big and with quite obvious things to work on training-wise.

I refused to acknowledge the existence of a teenage stage and as such my (spaniel) girl either didn't have one or it was so slight as to be limited to a few bad walks. I went hard on training and pushed her – my choice! – and she prevailed.

By then I loved her so much and she had stopped biting me constantly and was clean in the house – I think the relief of that stage being over propelled us through the next bit.

Oh, is that where I went wrong? Clearly I should have "refused to acknowledge the existence of a teenage stage" 😏 Maybe OP should "refuse to acknowledge the existence of a puppy stage" then and all will be well.

It's probably a bit like children.

Some of my friends said things like "teenagers are more trouble than babies" and I always thought - not in my experience! But everyone's different.

I seem to have low tolerance for the baby stage and higher tolerance for teenage stuff. Hope you find the same @ThrowawayName987 if you do decide to keep the puppy.

OP it’s a huge responsibility and overwhelming initially. I’ve had adult dogs always rescues but not for 15 years until 3 years ago when I got my current dog as a 9 week old rescue. She too was an absolute dream but I constantly had feelings of oh my God what have I done? Have I made a massive mistake? Because I just had the realisation that for potentially 15 years This little creature is my complete responsibility as they don’t grow up like children to be able to look after themselves 😂

She is three now and she is still an absolute dream and so easy. As a result. She’s my little wing man and I would not be without her.

I had children the same age as yours when we got one of our dogs and I remember vividly the feelings of overwhelm that I had so if you can’t cope I think it’s a good idea to think again in a few weeks. No shame at all.

I hope you got on okay at the GP

Honestly I cant thank you enough for these replies. They're really easing the shame and humiliation I'm feeling about this reaction.

I was playing with my son earlier while the puppy was snoozing on the sofa. It was an idyllic scene, and exactly what I'd wanted when I imagined bringing a puppy into the family. But I was so paralysed with dread and anxiety that it felt like I wasn't in the room. I've also realised that I've lost 5kg in weight since Christmas.

This is mad isnt it? He's just a puppy. I feel so stupid.

Puppies are hard work! My elderly spaniel died back in 2014. She was a dream. Got another spaniel 4 weeks later. My boys were 18 months and 6 year old at the time. I was a shock! After a well behaved elderly dog to a puppy that was into everything! I had days where I wondered what on earth I had done. Fast forward to today, that annoying hard work puppy is now an 11 year old girl. She is the most loveliest, happy, well trained and well mannered dog I could ever have wished for. The first year or two were hard but out in the time and effort and you’ll have brilliant best friend. We are looking at getting another spaniel puppy this summer. I know it will be hard work but I know what I will be rewarded with at one the puppy/teenage phase is done!

From what you've said here it is really nothing to do with the puppy but with your state of mind.

I was similar with our puppy, I used to have dirt and allergy related OCD and he triggered all that... I remember his first walk with my girls in the woods and he was chasing them and they were laughing, it was totally idyllic but I was freaking out!!

Maybe some therapy beneficial? It might actually do you good to explore how you are with the puppy and why. He may mend something for you.

I'm also one of those who think the teenage stage is fine and once they're sleeping ok, know the house rules and you're in a routine any boundary pushing by the dog is easily manageable. But as I say, doesn't sound like the dog anyway. All the best op xx

@Aubrielle No need for that – as discussed together, many times, that is the approach I took with my dog. That is how I approach a lot of things in life, dog and non-dog, and it works for me. As you have said, and as we have discussed, many times, you had a happy puppy stage. You were lucky! I had a horrific puppy stage as I have described here and on other threads before. I was lucky to find a way to cope with the teenage stage and for me that involved refusing to acknowledge it and to have a stiff upper lip about it. That's the way I'm made.

I don't wish to derail OP's otherwise very supportive thread with semantics. All of us here are giving her support when she's having a tough time and sharing our experiences. Obviously these are not universal.

@ThrowawayName987 You’re not stupid at all and everything you’re feeling is fine. He is just a puppy but also he’s a new life you’ve got to manage and it’s perfectly OK to feel however you do about him. It is mad but if you want to and do come through it, you will, I hope, remember this bit and have a gentle chuckle to yourself when he’s snoozing next to you as the very loved trouble-free dog you wanted!

@brushingboots To be fair, your first post did come across as a bit flippant - refuse to acknowledge it and it won't happen. Your second post explains it more and alters the nuance IMO.

I wasn't around for Pupsy's puppy stage, but she sounds like P. She was awful as a puppy - my worst one by far. But once she hit adolescence, she was a breeze.

@SpanielsGalore I wasn’t even on here when she was a puppy in the horror stage because I felt so embarrassed that a tiny little cocker spaniel could cause me so much pain! I would never have started a thread on it or asked for help. I just lurked and cried. I was horrified by my reaction, which is why I always offer support to people who ask for help because I didn’t and I should have. I just suffered on my own in this freezing house with no help except a man 200 miles away in a barracks saying ‘she’s just a puppy, how hard can it be?’ Actually mate, fucking hard.

Perhaps ‘refuse to acknowledge’ was the wrong phrase but I strongly believe that the reason why I have been successful in various aspects of my life is because I haven’t accepted that what I’m being presented with, or what society/experts/other people say/s I'm about to be presented with, is the only option. This is a random example but I’ve never had a cigarette in my life because when everyone else at school was smoking I refused to believe that peer pressure was something I had to acquiesce to so I just… didn’t smoke. I didn’t allow it to be part of my worldview. I apply that to a lot of things and it works for me.

In fairness to pupsy she wasn't a bad puppy at all – I just didn't know what to do.

I've heard that cocker spaniels are one of the hardest puppies @brushingboots because they are often hyperactive.

A friend of mine got one a few years ago and ended up rehoming him ... she was trying to work as well as raise him and he didn't respond well to being left alone. I think she was possibly a bit naïve about how hard it would be ... then again so was I when I decided to raise another puppy after a 20 year break. It's easy to think " how hard can it be?" but the answer is Very hard.

@brushingboots Good job he was 200 mies away. I'd have punched anyone who said that to me about P.
It probably wasn't because you didn't know what to do either. P was my fourth dog and she was horrible. I sat crying on the kitchen work top to escape her biting, telling her how much I hated her. I was covered in cuts and she ripped several items of clothing. She was up during the night and at the crack of dawn, so I was sleep deprived too. So once she was past all that, adolescence was easy.

Sorry @ThrowawayName987 . Our posts about our awful puppies are probably not helping you. Or perhaps they are, in that you are realising your pup is easy compared to some.
Sorry you are struggling, but it does get better.

I planned my assistance dog for over a decade and got her at just the right time, when the circumstances felt completely right. I was given a well-trained adult dog I had wanted for a very, very long time. I felt...completely overwhelmed and really struggled! I knew about 'puppy blues' but I didn't have a puppy and the dog was perfect so I didn't think that applied to me. I was googling stuff like 'struggling with my assistance dog' and not getting anything relevant back (this was before I found MN). I felt guilty because the charity had been very supportive and generous so I told myself, 'I'm just going to have to deal with these feelings for the next 10 years' (the approximate remaining lifespan of the dog).

Of course, these feelings eased a little each week until a few months later the dog was completely indispensable. It now is nearly 10 years later and I'm focusing hard on appreciating every day I have with her - every hug is to be cherished because she's the best thing about my life.

I hope this helps.