It's been a month and I can't really think about my dog's last moments

[estrogone]

So my much loved whippet boy (15y11months) was slowing down a lot - really noticeable since about the middle of the year.

He was profoundly deaf, resistant to walks and slept a lot (not unusual for the breed). I could tell he was in pain walking up and down stairs and infrequent bouts of vomiting and diahorrea.

I took him to the vet in early October for a wellness check. Vet agreed that old age was a factor and we set out to monitor him. She picked up a minor / new heart murmur at this visit.

Fast forward to 20th Oct when he started with diarrhoea - we treated him at home. He seemed lethargic but looked a bit brighter in 21st.

On the 22nd I got up to diahorrea in the lounge. My William looked so sad. He was shivering so I cleaned him up and covered him with extra blankets. He didn't have any food and refused his usual morning drink. I sensed he was very unwell and made an emergency vet appointment. He truly loathed the vets - would shake and shiver and be terrified, so I made a decision that if it was very serious I would not leave him there in his own and would discuss euthanasia with the vet.

We got him to the vet - I carried him in and he just lay in my arms (very unusual he was not a lap dog). The vet examined him and agreed that he was very poorly - with a high grade heart murmur.

The vet wanted to admit him, for tests and fluids (risky with the heart murmur). I didn't want to leave him there, terrified. So I made the decision to let him go peacefully. He was just laying in my arms not trying to get up, not shivering or shaking like he always did at the vet- they brought treats to tempt him to eat and he wouldn't.

He died in my arms and I am now haunted with what ifs. I keep thinking I should have admitted him. I feel so traumatised because I made a decision that the vet agreed even though she wanted to try and treat him.

She had never met him before (our usual vet knew how terrified of the vet he was).

Not sure why I am posting. I can't talk about it in real life - still too raw

I’m so sorry you lost your pooch. It sounds like you did the most selfless thing you could have done for him. Keeping him alive would have been more for you than for him. God bless x

I feel your pain. You absolutely 100% did the right thing for him. Possibly not for you but that’s the deal when we love them and put their pain and distress above our own feelings. Good for you. Been there done that and I promise you that it will get easier. Hugs x

I honestly think that sounds like the kindest ending possible. I’m sorry for your loss and how painful it is. But you truly have nothing to reproach yourself for. I think trying to find what we could have possibly done differently is part of grieving and will pass. 💙

Oh, OP, I have tears in my eyes reading this. Your lovely dog - you did the very best thing by him. He was such a great age and so very unwell. You must miss him so much, and it’s a deeply painful loss, but please don’t feel guilty. You did what was right for him, knowing him and loving him as well as you did.

Having done this more times than I can count, you absolutely did the right thing. You didn’t leave him, he died with you, right there with him and he was with his favourite person. Leaving him in the vets, which he hated, at his age and with his medical conditions would have been for your benefit, not his. You did what was best for him, right until the end. It’s utterly shit for you I know but for him? You did your very best. And he absolutely knows that. Much love op, it’s bloody awful 💔

you absolutely did the right thing for him. He was an old boy, admitting him for fluids and monitoring would have done nothing but prolong his suffering.

you did the right thing.

Rip beautiful William.
Op in October totally out of the blue my lurcher had a stroke one night. I didn't take her to the out of hours vet as I didn't want us with strangers. Our lovely vet agreed a stroke and pts was best. After our 10pm bedtime to our saddened loss was less than 12 hours. A shock. Big. But it was the best for our Polly. As was for your boy. Leaving him for tests at his age would have been much worse and likely the same outcome.
So sorry you've lost your friend.. They leave such a hole.

I am autistic and focussed on the fact that the vet wanted to admit him. She agreed with us that euthanasia was the only other option. I felt that admitting him would be unkind to him and would be prolonging the inevitable and would risk him dying alone. I can't describe how guilty I feel.

Thank you for your kind words. They are very helpful.

I'm so sorry. It reads very similar to my experience, although ours was our beloved cat. He was a real softy, affectionate, loving boy. He wasn't old, coming up to 11 years, but he was a pedigree Ragdoll. He had suspected IBD. We did investigations and treatments for him but in the end, he just wouldn't eat properly and was skin and bones. The vets always suggest more, but the vet we saw the day we PTS our boy, he said he would have done what we did. There's only so much you can put them through. The vets will always suggest more options but it's often kinder to let them go before they worsen.

So sorry OP - please rest assured that you 100% made the right decision.
I had to do the same thing last June with my cocker spaniel - same as yours, heart murmur detected, v unwell. They wanted to do heart scans and whatnot, but I could tell it was the end. Rather than put him through all that (he also hated the vets) I made the decision to let him go.
I've never doubted that decision - and he went to sleep in my arms - heartbreaking, but the kindest thing to do.
Sounds like your dog had a lovely life and lived to a good old age 💐

I truly believe in my heart you did the right thing by him. I’ve heard so many pets recently being put through so much trauma at the vets for test etc and there’s still be no hope for them and they’ve passed anyway, in terms of being a dog- 15 years adored by your mummy (good innings for a pooch!) and then passing away with no pain or fear in her arms, well I think that’s the way he would have chosen to go and wanted to go. Many doggies aren’t as lucky to have such a selfless and brave owner, you did right by him.

At almost 16, he was a very, very old dog and you did a wonderful job getting him to such a great age. His listlessness at the end was him letting you know he'd had enough. You did the brave thing - you made him feel safe and loved in his final moments.

You did exactly the right thing for your dear William. He died peacefully in your arms and that is surely the very best good night for our beloved dogs.

He was an old boy, you loved him right to the very end and made the best possible choice for all the right reasons. You knew he hated the vets, it was so brave and selfless of you to spare him an overnight stay. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

I would say that there can barely be anyone who has been in your position who hasn't had feelings of was it too quick, did I do the right thing, should I have done something else, was it too late, was it too early, did I give my darling dog every chance. You are not alone.

Be as gentle and as loving with yourself as you were with William.

It was time and he was telling you that. He went quickly and peacefully with the one he loved after and long and wonderful life. You are the best. My last boy died July 24 and he went at home, when he decided it was time. They know when they are done with life. He lives on in your heart. I now joke that my new boy is talking to my old boy in the garden.

Trust yourself. You knew him.

OP, your lovely pooch was clearly much loved and had a long and very happy life with you.
He died peacefully, with you there , after you made the hardest but kindest decision for him. Grieve, but you did it for him, and purely out of love.

Thank you all so much and for sharing your stories. I am so sorry for those that have been through the same.

I think my usual - very experienced and known to us vet would have told me how it was. She was very pragmatic.

Anyways - he was worth every bit of guilt I feel now. It was peaceful, quick and painless and your posts are reminding me that was the most important thing.

Please don’t feel guilty. I have heard the saying, better a week too early than an hour too late. Putting him through lots of treatment and invasive things wouldn’t have made him happy. Focus on the fabulous life he had with you and that you were there for him, and especially at the end. He will be safe and happy over the rainbow bridge.

Sweetheart, I did exactly the same thing, around the same time. I have had the same worry. I think the same things. But the truth is that we know our dogs. We know they would have hated being away from us while the vet treated them. That wasn’t the way they wanted to spend their last hours, in a cage, on a drip. We did the best we could even if it was hard, and even if we didn’t really know for sure. We did the most loving thing we could.
Maybe the vet could have bought our boys more time, but then maybe they would have spent their last hours without us. We did the safest thing.

It’s just so sad. 💐

Someone told me years ago that vets are scientists, and their whole training has been to learn to treat illnesses. Our responsibility as the owner is to know our own animal and to know when it’s time to stop, for the best interests of our own friend.
It’s a heavy and painful responsibility and it sounds like you acted with love and did the best thing for your old friend. I’m sure he had a great life with you. Look after yourself now, this bit is so hard x

Something that helps me when I am having a wobble is to close my eyes and say to myself, "Everything you did for SeaAndStars Dog was done with love and the best very best intention for her". It is the truth and it reminds me of that when I need it most. I hope that helps you OP.

Op I am so sorry.

You did 100% the right thing for William.

Be kind to yourself

The thing about a situation like this is that you’d have felt guilty either way. If he’d been admitted and then died, you’d have been so upset that you weren’t with him. It doesn’t sound like they thought he could have been successfully treated.

Wow, your dog was coming to the end of its life and you totally stepped up for your beloved pet and held him in your loving arms whilst he passed across.

I promise you that your dog felt consoled and loved as he fell to his final sleep. Perhaps he chose to go then as you were there.

If you hadn’t done what you did he would’ve died alone, or had to be put down.

You are sad of course, but I think you’ve done a really loving thing for your dog and he was very lucky to have you.

X

Im so sorry for your loss. It's perfectly normal to feel as you do. I put one of my fur babies to sleep 3 years ago and her sister 18 months ago. Even now I question if I did the right thing at the right time, despite knowing in my heart that I did. Dogs are very stoic and will go on regardless of their pain and discomfort. You gave your dog the best life, I hope you can find comfort in your memories